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Walking Wounded


Guest Vickie O'Neil

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

As the death anniversary approaches...I find myself not well. I look at Pat's pictures...large blow ups from his service, & cry at the drop of a hat. I write really bad poetry...lean too much on the friends & family I have left, take care of our animals..& desperately attempt to be normal...& relate to

people,

I'm the walking wounded.. listen to all the advice...but the very best thing is I have not blown, my head off with a pistol...as I would like to...my brother comitted suicide at age 29..I don't care how bad I feel, I couldn't do that to my family....who would immediately get rid of my dogs..No doubt at the Pound. Not happening.

Wonder why death is so embarassing to deal with in our society??? Maybe in the old days people had it right? Widows & Widowers wore black for a year, black is a psychic shield, friends & neighbors made the time to come & celebrate, life..& the death...& help the widower/widow.. If a fence needed fixed, was done,,women brought food...& everyone, excuse the expression Visited.Sometimes for a week.

These days we rush out to the funeral...surround the bereaved with flowers, cards.. emails,. a token visit..& then disappear into the woodwork. People need ope, Hugs.., & Real Help after the death of a spouse...like when the toilet breaks, or a man that that needs a real home cooked meal.

I forced myself to go to my husbands favorite restaurant for Mexican food..last night...I felt invisible, lacking social validation as a single woman.looking at the happy couples. a man sat on either side of me,,,,staring at the TV. OK that's it...& Thanks for listening.

God Bless this Help Line...& I will Pray that we all are Healed & Happy..

Love,

Vickie O'Neil

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Vicki,

I pray that what I say to you will be God given....it's very hard for the words to help you through all this. Your pain is so evident and hard to even hear. Bless your heart for all you're going through. We all certainly are "the walking wounded." Just try to make your way through all this, it isn't and won't be easy but you need to stay here and keep that special person you loved, the memory here. I loved my husband so terribly much and it's taking time to deal with it, now 3 years, but I'm better and getting better all the time....that's all there is, is time. Please take care of yourselr and come back to us any time of the day or night. Someone will be here for you.

Your friend Karen ;)

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Vickie,

I also felt your pain. If you haven't found a grief support group in your area already, I would encourage you to seek one out. In the beginning it was hard for me to go but I have made some friends with which I do things like go out to eat, see a movie, etc. It makes it a little easier having someone to talk to who is on a similar journey as I am. I too pray that we will all find peace and happiness again someday.

Sherry

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Vickie -

Have you shared your story here? It might help - "grief needs to be heard to heal". Also, you could stop trying to be someone else's idea of "normal". You're grieving. That's like alien abduction. You've been taken, against your will, to a strange planet.

Your posts show a lot of pain. Have you looked for any sort of support locally? Many Hospices have grief support open to anyone. I have found it very helpful. It might be worth the effort to find one.

I wish I could offer more. We're here to listen, and we do care.

- Joe

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Vickie,

I have a friend who recently "celebrated" (if you want to call it that) her one year anniversary. She said the anticipation was much worse than the actual day. Then there are some who say the second year is worse than the first because you are so numb the first year. It just shows that there is no NORMAL in this journey.

Sherry and I go to the same grief support group and at first it was really hard and I could hardly say anything without my eyes filling with tears and my voice cracking. Now even though we are only 7mos and 6 mos out we are the "old" ones of the group and can now help some of the newer ones. There are some that have been going for over a year who will thank some of the new ones for their help and now many of us have become friends. I hope you can find the same thing. It really helps.

I hope you will continue to post here because hopefully there will be one of us that can help you through the problem you're having at the time.

Mary Linda

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Vicki,

The year mark is a difficult time. I don't know how many offers you ha of people that said "Just let me know if you need anything" but as difficult as it was for me I called in those offers when I needed them. Most of mine were for someone to help with my son or help cleaning rather than fixing things but it was still help. Anyway, just keep coming here and share, I promise you will feel better.

Love always

Derek

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

Thank you all for writing, it helps to know that I'm not alone on the Trail of Tears. Someone suggested I share the story, so maybe I'll do that. My sister is coming out in August, & she shared a lot of the illness & death when Pat was sick, & it will feel so good to have her here....for she truly understands what we went through. I feel so ashamed to feel this weak & needy of understanding to be reaching out to total strangers for support...& if one more person says "You'll be OK, you are a strong woman"....I may scream.

I just want to be whole & happy & loved again.

Thanks, Vickie

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Vickie,

You aren't weak and needy, you are a human being who loved someone with all your heart. It's like cutting off all your limbs and you would miss them because of all the things they help you do. We all have these giant holes in our hearts and we just have to wait out the time that this hole will fill in with memories and love for others. I think we'll always have some grief but hopefully there will come a time that we can remember more of the good things and not concentrate on our loss. Right now I am still to raw to look through many pictures because it makes me feel my loss, but I know it helps others. That is what is so great about all of the people in this group. We know that each of us walks to a different beat and we accept that. We may offer suggestions but you have to decide which dance is best for you.

Please keep reaching out to us because by helping you it is also helping us feel needed again.

Mary Linda

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

THanks Mary Linda,

Truly I feel like a hole has been shot through my heart. My husband's death has revived my Dad's death in my mind...from 10 years ago..Its all mixed in together in this giant cauldron of pain. I wasn't right for 4 years after Dad died...Heavenly Father, I don't want to repeat the pattern of pain.

The feeling of Isolation is so hard to bear, & I feel the need to be touched & held. I feel sexually needy, as well, at times. I hope that doesn't embarass anybody...perhaps it is normal to want to hold on to the physical, when a mate has died.

Years ago I read the requirements of a happy life...there were only 3 things.

Someone to LOVE..Something to DO...& Something to Look Forward to. 2 are now gone with Pat's death, & I'm not working either..as I was a Realtor until the market crashed. No wonder I feel so crappy.

Thanks for Listening to me blubber,

Vickie O'Neil

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Vicki, I am so glad you've found this site. I think you will feel very accepted and understood no matter what you are experiencing. We all have different ways of coping but we have the same loss. I know people in my life who haven't had this type of a loss would never understand if I told them that I am still "in love" with Larry. That didn't end with his death. They would look at my as if I've lost my mind but I don't care what they think anymore. Its not important. Just keep writing when you feel like it and you'll find support and kindess. Deborah

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Vickie,

What you say, you say for all of us, and you said it very well. You are so right, in our hurry-up society, we need to slow down and fully acknowledge death and be real and compassionate to one another. Practical help would be good too! I remember after my husband passed away, my sink stopped up...I'd owned my home for 28 years and it had never stopped up, but it did this time, real good! I called an elder in our church that lived nearby, because he was known to be handy, and asked him to look at it...he said No. That's it, just no. I called someone else and he asked if I'd called this other guy and I said yes. He said what did he say? I said, no. He said no?! Well he won't say no to me! The next thing I knew, they were both at my house with some equipment and it took a while, but they got it unstopped. This same guy that came to my rescue also rebuilt our ramp and rails that my husband had just taken down to replace. Sometimes we do need practical help. And yes, there are men that could use a button sewed on, pants hemmed, a decent meal cooked, or a child looked after. In this hurry-up world we need angels in people's clothes.

Please keep coming here and posting...and I seriously doubt you write bad poetry!

Love,

KayC

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

Practical Help ...Yes KayC.... like the toilet that leaks, & when the sink stops up..& the water softener springs a leak.

My husbands friends rallied around me after Pat's death, were very kind...all strong, handy guys. I called them 10 days before Pat died..we were still in the hospital, & asked them to visit. ... got permisssion to wheel Pat out in the chair..to an outdoor patio.. & we had a semi- normal conversation. Truly, I knew that day that Pat was going to die...we all maintained...no tears..we still had hope on the heart test results.

If the cafeteria had sold beer..I'd have bought a round..& I would have lit a cigarette for Bill Osburne. The big strong men...called me a Rock later..so if I need them I can find them...I sure hate to lean on people,

LOve,

Vickie O'Neil

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