First Time...

[carrieboo]

I've been searching for anyone to talk to about dealing with the loss of my fiance, but its been difficult for me to find support.

Its been almost two years since my fiance drowned, we were together 6 years and he was only 33. In the past few months I have moved to a new city, got a new job, and only recently bought a house with a new boyfriend. Now it seems all this change has brought the grief back to the surface again, and i'm feeling intense guilt for moving on, I can't stop crying and couldn't even go to work today. I'm not happy and feel like selling everything and moving back home again, though I know this will not make the grief go away. I guess I need reassurance that moving on with another person is not a bad thing...has anyone else gone through this?

[JeanneC]

Hi Carrieboo:

I am sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your fiance after you have tried to move on. I haven't gone through what you're going through. My husband just died a little over 2 months ago. We were married for 15 years and together for 20 years. We always had intentions of moving to Florida when I retire in about 5 years. We were going to sell my house in NY. After he passed, I immediately said that I would move to Florida. I have quite a few friends there. But as time goes by, my feelings are starting to change. I feel very comfortable in the house that I own. Now that is that saying that I won't eventually move there. But I want to give myself some time and it may take quite some time, but I don't want to rush into something that I might get more depressed.

Since you have already moved on with someone else and bought a new home and have a job; I don't think moving back home again will help. I think this grief process that you are going through has to happen for awhile and then you'll probably fell better as time goes by. I am not an expert, but give this new life a chance and see what happens. Also, how heartbroken will you new boyfriend be if you decided to move back home? I wish you a lot of luck and hope everything works out for you. You know if you need to talk the people on this site are wonderful. They help me through a lot of tough times.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[dpodesta]

Moving on is not a bad thing, in fact it is probably the heathiest thing you can do. I was married for 11 years when my wife died 2 years ago and I am now 39. I have been dating off and on for the last year. While at times it has been difficult and memories surface I know that my wife would want me to live a happy life and not be alone for the rest of it. I am sure your fieance would feel the same and would tell you that if he were here. Yo are right that selling everything and moving back would not solve the grief you are feeling and it would probably cause even more problems in the long run with your current boyfriend. You are doing fine with continuing your life and with the choices you have made.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I have remarried but my new marriage hasn't turned out to be so wonderful and sometimes I feel it only accentuates the loss I feel for my late husband. You have your life ahead of you and it serves no purpose in being alone for the rest of your life. You've already made some decisions and to try to go back now would upset and hurt others. Could you seek the help of a grief support group in your area? It's not unusual to have mixed feelings or feel guilty for moving on, but you need to lay that to rest because it's not only natural for you to go on, but your late fiance would not want you to continue in misery. Perhaps it is because you moved that you are going through this, maybe you feel like you left him behind? Please feel free to express yourself here, you have plenty of company that understand these feelings.

[carrieboo]

Thank you so much everyone for the replies...

it really helps to know how others feel who have been through similar situations. I know going back would not be fair to my current boyfriend, and I don't want to hurt him, I guess in my emotions it does seem to be the easy way out...to return home to where things were familiar, where all my memories of my ex were made. THough I know my ex would want me to move on...its hard not to feel guilty, and how do I put that to rest?

I guess I have to ride out the waves of grief, however large they are...this one recently has been a large one. Combined with all the recent change...its all scary when my life was planned out, I was about to marry my soul mate, and then life is tured upside down in an instant, and suddenly it felt like I didn't have a life anymore, nothing to look forward to, I was lost. It was hard not to compare a current relationship with my past relationship, but that part is getting a little easier. I still feel lost though, and unsettled...like in the past year if I would go somewhere on a holiday I would want to return home, but when I got home I didn't want to be their either.

I also believe some of my guilt stems from issues with his mother..I understand she is going through different grief that I cannot begin to understand, however she put me through alot of added greif with regards to me moving on, and especially $$. Our relationship will not be the same...and I begin to wonder if its healthy to stay in contact with her when i'm trying to move on?

Thanks again for the support, I am trying to seek counselling but moving to a new city and being in a new job, I guess i'm putting that off.

[dpodesta]

The way you get through the guilt is to talk about it. Either through a counsler, if your boyfriend is understanding then talk to him about it. Also coming here. I think most of us feel guilty when we start to consider other people, I know it still hits me at times, when we marry or are getting ready to marry you start the process of being one with the one you love and forsaking all others so that when the person you love is gone it is hard to change that thought in your head. The main thing that I can think of is remember that you are human, you are alive and we as humans are meant to be with someone. And you have already said he would want you to be happy and find someone else. It is not going to be an easy road but you will get through it.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

carrieboo,

This forum is, oddly enough, the place where I feel most comfortable because these people understand and have been through the same things and have been here through everything with me. I hope you too will find some comfort and encouragement here. It doesn't matter if the loss is yesterday or ten years from now, if you are feeling it, you need support.

You said, "I guess I have to ride out the waves of grief, however large they are" and I think that, to a large degree, is an answer for all of us. In the beginning, I did not want to live, I couldn't understand why I didn't get to die with George, we were soulmates, it was unthinkable that I should live without him! Two things, mainly, stopped me from taking my own life...my kids, and my faith...that and I also knew deep down inside that it wasn't really that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to face what I would have to go through...or didn't see how I could, it seemed overwhelming...everything seemed overwhelming. That is a part of depression, which is almost predictable with loss.

You asked about your fiance's mother and what to do about her...if the relationship or situation is not a positive one, I would put some distance between you. Right now especially, you need to be very, very kind to yourself, as you have really been through a lot. I know, so has she, but that doesn't alleviate any of your pain and confliction. Maybe send her Christmas Cards or call her once a year (on her birthday?) but don't stay in close continual contact with her. If she were supportive, it would be different. You don't need beat down for your decisions.

I know it was tremendously difficult for you to move and start over somewhere else, and I applaud you for your courage. The fact that you no longer feel so certain is to be expected. We can experience all kinds of emotions all at once...please remember that emotions are to be experienced and lived through, nothing more, nothing less...they are not a barometer of anything, that is not their role. It is okay to feel conflicting feelings and even if they don't make sense...they don't have to make sense, they are, after all, feelings. You have made some conscious decisions that seem to be positive...keep going with them. Have you considered a grief counselor to help you move through the letting go of the guilt process?

[carrieboo]

I've been to a counsellor, and did a telephone counselling session through EAP at work, but found they weren't much help. I may try to seek another counsellor soon, I was on antidepressants but didn't want to have to depend on them...so have been off for almost 6 months.

This forum is actually helping me tremendously, even though its only been a couple days. I haven't been able to share this experience with others who have been through a similar situation, and hearing everyone's thoughts and advice is a relief. thank you all for your support.

[dpodesta]

Carrieboo,

I was on anti-depressants for about the first 9 months after I lost my wife. I like you was afraid of becoming too dependant on them. However I also realized that I needed them at first in order to deal with everything. As time went on there cam a point where I knew it was time to get off of them. I can't tell you how I knew but I just knew. And I talked with my doctor and got off of them. If you need to take them righ tnow then that is ok, they help level out the huge ups and downs associated with thte loss of a loved one. I am glad that you have found this forum helpful to you.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Carrieboo,

Please keep coming back here, it helps to get it all out!

I was on antidepressants years ago and finally got off of them so when George died, I didn't want to go back on them either, but I think it's something worth considering, especially if the feelings of depression continue. With me, I don't feel I am clinically depressed, although depression is something I fight from time to time. If it were to be continual or anything deep, I would go back on them. I have had to get on anti-anxiety medicine though, although that has nothing to do with George's death, I should have been on them years ago, and only in recent months was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), although I think in reality I've been plagued with it for years. It tends to run in families and most of the people in my family are on something or should be. I found a medicine that is non-addictive and works well for me, it's mild, and it takes some of the edge or intensity off of my feelings of anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, need for perfectionism, and overreactions. I'm on Buspar and it has been a real life-saver for me.

I think deep down inside, as Derek expressed, we know if we need something, and also, we know when it's the right time to get off, with our doctor's knowledge and advice.

Sometimes it just helps tremendously to have people you can relate to, knowing they understand where you're coming from, and that in itself can relieve some of the feelings we are trying to deal with. I wish you the best in finding a good solution for YOU!

[Mrcelloboy]

Carrieboo,

I think we're (those of us grieving loss) all different and alike at the same time in ways.

I lost my fiancee 22 months ago when she was riding her bicycle and a recycling truck turned into her. We'd been together 10 years.

I have a new sweetie who's a wonderful soul. We've been together for a bit over a year. What I believe is love on my part doesn't feel quite like what I remember, and my passion isn't as strong; but we have so much in common that I feel it's worth a fight.

I battle with what I'm sure is mild depression and believe I'm healing slowly but surely. I won't give up believing that what still mostly feels like "just existing" will eventually bloom back into more of a passion for life.

We're both 53 and trying to figure out how to combine our households (in a down real-estate cycle) so that we both can get on with paying off credit cards, etc. and maybe still save something for retirement while still enjoying life a bit before we expire. It's a struggle.

We just cannot give up the dream that things can and will get better.

Maury

[kayc]

Maury,

Good to hear from you again! I'm glad things are going well for you. Wishing you all the best!

KayC

[carrieboo]

I'm sorry to hear Maury, thanks for your comments, I am also waiting for the moment that I begin to enjoy life again, I hope it does come.

[JeanneC]

Carrieboo - You should check out on this site the topic Hope and see what Lyn wrote. She seems to have found happiness in her life.