Three Year Anniversary

[LarrysGirl]

Today is the third anniversary of Larry's death. Right now three years ago they came and told me he had died. I remember every sound, my breath, my voice, the time, his face and my life ended right then as I knew it.

I wanted to be able to write today and be uplifting and positive but I can't. I still don't understand how it all ended in a moment in time. He was robbed of his life the day before his 50th birthday. I'm still angry, overwhelmingly sad, and looking for a purpose to go on. Yes I'm still here but nowhere near the person that I was. Yes I treasure the wonderful times and life we shared and wouldn't have changed a thing (except his illness and suffering). Will it ever be enough to make me try and put together a life again, I don't know. So many questions left unanswered.

I want others to know how special he was and the love we shared continues. I want to thank him for loving me. I will always love you and miss you Larry. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Deborah,

While I don't have the answers to why, I wish I knew myself sometimes. Try to look at it this way, he is in Heaven, where there is no more sickness, pain, hunger, etc.. everythin is perfect as it can be up there and he is happy. Unfortunatly we are the ones left behind that have to deal with the sorrow and the pain of missing that person. One day we will be united with them again, until then you know that they would want us to be happy again, to enjoy life, and to try and move on. I know it is difficult, very difficult however life is just too short. It can leave us in an instant as we are fully aware. I know today must be difficult, but just keep your chin up and take it one minute at a time you will get through this and we are all here for you to support you and help you.

Love always

Derek

[MartyT]

Deborah, dear, it's okay if you're unable to "write today and be uplifting and positive." This is one place where it's all right to be exactly where you are, and you don't have to explain or apologize for your position to any of us. We all know that this is a very difficult day for you, but keep in mind that it is really no different from any other day ~ simply a day on the calendar. It has only as much (or as little) meaning or power over you as you are willing to give to it. You (and several of our other members) may not have any hope right now that things will get any better, but please know that here in this caring place, we are more than willing to hold that hope for you until you're ready to hold it again on your own.

[kayc]

Oh Deborah,

I am sorry for how you are feeling today, but like Marty said, you don't need to feel bad if you're not feeling positive and uplifting today, these are your feelings and they're valid. Mostly I try not to look at what I've lost, it's too hard, so I try to stay with what is, but sometimes that's hard to do and I lose it. There is no one in the world that can replace the person we lost and we well know it.

God be with you especially todaym, Deborah.

Love,

KayC

[Guest moparlicious]

wow Marty your words touched my heart deep.

Deborah,

My dear friend, please know I am thinking of you and I will be holding my candle high tonight for all our Angels.

Your in my heart and I know we all feel pain here on earth, but they do not. I will never stop loving or missing Dan as I am sure you will not Larry. Together we try to move forward in this journey we have been given.

[WaltC]

(((Deborah))) - three years ago when they told you that Larry had died, I understand that you felt that your life ended right then and there as you knew it - BUT - it didn't!

You have survived these past 36 months and have helped others like myself continue. I thank you for that.

I know that it is hard (impossible for some of us) to be be uplifting and positive without the presence of our partners. Its human to be angry, overwhelmingly sad, and looking for a purpose for the rest of our lives. I know that you treasure the wonderful times and life you and Larry shared.

Yes - there are many questions left unanswered. I haven't found any good answers yet.

I do know how special Larry was, and still is - and the love you shared continues and will forever.

Take care of yourself Deborah - Larry waits patiently until you are with him again.

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Walt, thank you for your kind words. Even though its been three years, as you know, it still is hard for me. His loss touched every aspect of my life and its left a huge empty space in my heart and soul. One day I will learn to find my way on my own but until then I will miss him. Deborah

[kath]

Dear Deborah,

Three years doesn't seem like a long time at all when life as you know it has come to a grinding halt. I appreciate that you are still here and don't try to put on a happy face when you are not feeling it. It is the honesty in these posts that brings me back. Larry sounds like a wonderful man. Thank you for sharing him with all of us.

Kath

[LarrysGirl]

Kath, Larry was a great guy, warm, gentle, kind, loving, funny, and so caring. I hesitate to write sometimes for fear that any of the "new" people will be discouraged by something I've said. Honestly, grief is a slow process, little by little your mind and heart let the realty in, giving us a chance to adjust to something so painful. Three years for me has passed in a blur, holidays have come and gone, birthdays and anniversaries to remember yet most of this has just been in survival mode. Most importantly to me is that he be remembered. Thanks for everyones support. Deborah

[Ployd]

Dear Deborah

I know exactly how your feeling. My husband passed away a year ago this week. I was ok, until I got a card from Hospice and the funeral home, today. Everyone at work knows exactly what happened a year ago, but won't talk about it. It might have been better for me if someone would have said something. Today was tough, everyone I have to deal with internationally, had an issue. I almost started crying on the phone, I had to excuse myself and call them back later. I have been crying most of today, just remembering every moment of a year ago, our last week together.

I have to wake up everyday, I have to tell myself I have to keep going, I have a family (although they live far away,) they love me, no matter what. I have a picture of my husband and I tell him "good night" every single night.

I think of all of you who have lost a spouse or partner, we are all in this together.

This is a great site as I have said before, there are so many people out there who do care who will talk you and me through this.

Lots of hugs to you

Paula

[LarrysGirl]

Paula, thanks for your reply. Your first anniversary is tough, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to tell you I also tell Larry every night... Good Night, I love you, I miss you and of course yesterday I wished him a Happy Birthday and then I cried. I know what you are feeling and I will be thinking of you this week and wish for you some comfort. Deborah

[kayc]

Deborah,

"Most importantly to me is that he be remembered." I think this is a key point...to all of us here, it's important that our spouses be remembered and if we are here for ten years getting through this and remembering them, so be it, that's up to us. Our hearts are with you and I know it's been a struggle Hon, I know sometimes it's hard to see why we are left when we just want to be with them, I don't know any answers, only that we are still here and we've survived when three years ago we couldn't see how we'd last a week.

Love,

KayC

[marsha]

Paula - I have a picture of Joe next to the computer - I also say good morning, joey, every day. Thank G-d others do it; I just thought I was holding on or being strange. Deborah - I hope today is a better day for you -this is just hard - Peace, Marsha

[AnnC]

For me, it's been 4 1/2 years. I still miss him. I know I always will. I still talk to him almost every night. I talk to him in the car sometimes. I feel like his spirit is near me sometimes. I don't tell anyone else about this, they often say they think I should be "over it" by now.

But we just try to get used to our changed lives -- we don't get over it.

Ann

[LarrysGirl]

Ann, I think their spirits are around us. I feel Larry often around me and our dogs. People that think we "should" be over it, haven't had the experience of losing their spouse or partner. Like you should, we may still be here but we won't ever get over it. Deborah

[Ployd]

Hi everyone

Last night was pretty tough. Today, I am feeling better. Yes, I talk to my husband, Ken, while I am driving. I ask him to keep me safe. I talk to him in the house, I still ask for advise. Not that I get too many answers back. I just didn't realize what I suppose to feel like or do on the first anniversary. Deborah, I found that when I talk to everyone here, I do feel better. Although, last night, I just picked up the phone and called Hospice, I had to talk to a person. She was great, she actually had me laughing before I hung up.

You hang in there as I will get through the rest of this week.

Lots of hugs

Paula