Have You Changed Physically?

[marsha]

I know this may be a strange post - but have any of you changed physically? A friend of mine lost her 40 year old daughter suddenly a week before Joe died. When I see her, I see the face of grief. And I see it in the mirror. I've lost a lot of weight I don't need to lose - right now I'm the same weight I was in eighth grade!! (and that was a long, long time ago!) When Joe was sick, we both lost pounds a week, him because of the cancer and not wanting to eat, me because I literally couldn't put food in my mouth. But I'm stabilized now, and I do cook for myself. It's just scary looking at myself in the mirror sometimes - actually it's better, now, but it was scary skinny 5 months ago. I just look so different now. Marsha

[PattyAnn]

Marsha,

Oh yes, I have physically changed. Taking care of my husband by myself was a 24/7 job (it was my honor), and it took quite a toll on me. I got down to 91 lbs!! I've gained some of it back over the last year, but not in healthy way. I've eaten more junk food then ever before. I haven't been up to cooking for myself.

But what really makes me sad is when I look in the mirror and see a strange woman looking back at me with a sorrow in her eyes and frozen, pale look on her face. Who is that woman? Will I always look like that? Will I ever be able to smile again, sing again, laugh again?

I know I will and have started to some, but then I see my husband's picture, or handwriting or clothes and I slip back into a reality of my own. I spend a lot of time in the past where it was warm and secure and filled with love. The present moment seems so cold and so lonely.

Well, sorry, I sound so dramatic, but your question struck a cord in me. Sending you a hug...I do understand and I care about you and your pain, as well.

With Love,

Pat

[fred]

Well, it`s not just the two of you that have lost your appetite. My wife was a a magician in the kitchen, I gained seventeen pounds the first year we were married (and only had to buy new dress shirts with bigger collars, guess it all went to my head). I have now lost all of that and more, wouldn`t even dare to get on a scale right now. It must show because everywhere I have visited in the last week, they send me home with trays of food. Well it certainly beats my cooking (as in when was the last time I turned the stove on). Tell you what, I`ll buy the pizza whenever you want to hang out!

((( )))

[Rosemary T]

I also lost a lot of weight (not that I couldn't stand to!) but what has really changed is I just look sad and worn out. I see that person in the mirror and she does not look like the old Rosemary I used to know. My eyes look empty, without twinkle, and all the lines in my face look deeper.

Saddness and grief age a person; I am living proof.

[kayc]

Weight is definitely affected by stress or a loss such as this. When George died I lost 16 pounds, then gained 26 pounds...and I didn't need to gain it. Stress can affect us in so many ways...we may "not feel like eating" or we burn that stress energy, causing us to lose weight, or we may "fill the void" by doing mindless eating, not caring whether we're eating healthy or not, and gain weight. I am finally on track now, trying to take care of myself, walk twice a day, eat healthy and try to eat right amounts...I'm trying to lose the excess weight and it's a slow go but it's going in the right direction. With all that I am going through, it helps to have SOMETHING in my life that I can control.

I feel for those of you have lost too much weight, that can be serious...I've heard it said that it's better to be 20 lbs overweight than 5 lbs underweight. Can you try any of those drinks out there that help people put on weight? Have you talked with your doctor about anything you can do? I am worried that if you go TOO low it could have serious repercussions for your body. Please take care of yourselves and don't let it get too low...95 lbs doesn't sound healthy for an adult and neither does being at junior high weight. I guess I can't complain about the 20-25 lbs more I'd like to lose!

[marsha]

Kay - Ensure tastes like chalk! Yuck. Marsha

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Marsha,

I've aged 10 years since Pat died, my hair is starting to go gray, I ceased menses while he was ill, & I lost weight. I've been sick more in this last 14 months then ever before. Now that I look back, I truly don't know where I found the strength & endurance to go through what we did, & still work, & keep a cheerful positive attitude for Pat. I had faith that he would be transplanted, & we would have many more years together. We even started dreaming & planning for a new future, moving from Phoenix to the Texas hill country. Knew we couldn't live at his cabin, for the nearest hospital is 2 1/2 hours away, & not one Dr. in the little town.

I look at my newly lined face in the mirror, & don't recognize it..I used to look younger than my age, my eyes sparkled, & I was full of laughter & teasing. I can only hope that what I've lost in physical beauty, I've gained in character, & empathy. In our current society looks, & youth are the gods & godesses, & no one has said to me for a long time, "you look great".

Remember that old TV show, the Love Boat? The dwarf/midget was Hervez Villa Chez, & he always used to say.."It's better to look good, then to feel good". Well, I'd just like to Feel Good!

Vickie

[marsha]

vickie - I don't think it's at all uncommon for the surviving spouse to kind of fall apart. Think of it - when Pat was alive, you were running on adrenaline. You were putting 100% of yourself out to keep him going, and putting yourself second. My Joe's cancer was not as long as Pat's illness, but I found myself doing the same thing. I think what happens after our spouses die, and I mean after the numbness and shock wear off a little, is that we are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I have to laugh when I read about this or that celebrity in the hospital for "exhaustion". Yeah, right. And on top of that exhaustion, we have to back to work, deal with our grief, keep doing the things that life entails, because there's no choice.

But I also see friends who are widows and widowers, of all ages, who are 3 or 4 years out, who do look better, who have started to get that light in their eyes again. Dear Vickie, I have to believe there's hope down the road. And along that path, we can share our concerns and fears to each other here. Hugs, Marsha (p.s. the Gladys Hardy clip you pm'd me did indeed make me laugh; what a pistol!)

[kath]

Marsha,

None of your topics seem weird. As a matter of fact, they take me back to all the questions I had, but was afraid to ask (or didn't know who to ask as I had not found this site until a few months ago.) I remember looking in the mirror and seeing the sadness, the lack luster appearance, the tired, lifeless eyes and the gray hair. (Okay, the gray has been there for a while now, but the L'Oreal just sat on the shelf for lack of a care.) For me, the weight tipped the scales in the opposite direction. It seems like when I noticed my "face of grief" was when I was really sensing the loss of Bob's affection. The reality of anyone finding me approachable was unimaginable. (And I was okay with that, too.) It's 18 months for me today, and I am starting to recognize me again. I'm a little more worn, but there is a hint of a glint in my eyes once more. I can imagine what Bob would have said. He always told me I was a beauty...proof that love is blind!

I think you should take Fred up on his pizza offer...

Kath

[kayc]

Yes Fred, does New York have delivery that extends to Oregon?

Vickie, yes, I do think character qualities far exceed the loss in our appearance, and I think Kath is right, that somewhere along the way we recover the glint in our eyes, just be kind to yourself and give it time. We are sometimes richer for the hard experiences in our lives, not because of the suffering, but because of what we have learned in going through it.

[marsha]

Kath - you talked about "sensing Bob's loss of affection." You've put it very delicately, and that too brings up a subject that those who haven't lost their spouses to cancer might find hard to take. Joe's cancer was so aggressive, and happened so fast, as I've said before. When I think back, it started with a staph infection in his leg. That's when he went to the doctor for blood work, and to see about the infection, and when we found out his liver functions were so out of whack. It went downhill fast from there. He changed so much physically, it was like looking at a holocaust victim, G-d help him. He refused hospice after the cancer went to his brain - radiation helped a little bit. He wanted to fight so much. But - this is so hard for me to talk about - not only that, but he changed mentally as well. He snapped at me, and was sometimes just downright mean. This was not him - it was the meds, it was his fear, and I was the only person to take it out on. His doctor said to me, after he died, "there's fear, and anger, and he chose anger." Joe would tell everybody else how much he loved me, and was worried about me, but he would not express those fears to me. He slept on the couch for 3 months, couldn't make it up the stairs without me backing him up so he wouldn't fall. My heart literally broke when I watched him. I kept up a positive face for him, but I just literally didn't know what to do. It wasn't constantly like that, we had many good moments in those months, we would sit in the sun, listen to music, but looking back, he was actively dying from March on, and resisted it at every level - as did I. I lost myself in his sickness - there was no Marsha left. That's why it's so hard to bring myself out of that journey with him, one he and I didn't want to take, and just try to take care of myself. Oh, boy - I didn't know I was going to write this until I did - Marsha

[kath]

Dear Marsha,

It is hard to separate ourselves from the roles we took on during our spouses illness. After 27 years together, I didn't know how to be anything but Bob's wife. I enjoyed it immensely. His illness progressed fast, also, but the main symptom for years was extreme exhaustion. I'd get so angry at him, because I had so much to do with working full-time and caring for two young children. After he found out he had hepatitis C, he wouldn't even touch me physically for fear he would infect me. It was so hard. I loved him so much and would do anything to help him feel better. He started bleeding every time he took a nap and came up with some lame excuse about biting the inside of his mouth. I became so wrapped up in wanting to believe him, in not accepting that he could be terminally ill, I think I missed all the earlier danger signs. By the time I pushed him to go to the doctor, it was all downhill. He had been kind of a time bomb early in our relationship and being sick mellowed him. Our together time was mostly spent with me watching him sleep. I even drew a picture of him all wrapped up on the couch with the dog sleeping right next to him. He loved the picture and hung it up in his office. He talked only once about dying and he wasn't afraid. The incident that resulted in him contracting hepatitis (from a blood transfusion) nearly took his life. He saw the light. He said it was the most calming, beautiful and peaceful feeling he'd ever experienced. But at the time, he was sent back...it wasn't his time, yet. That was before I met him. I cannot imagine my life being anything without the years I had with Bob. He was my everything. And not a day goes by that I don't miss his affections.

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Marsha,

I'm crying for what you went through, a trial by Fire. Joe couldn't help it if he snapped at you, some of us fight better with anger then any other weapon at our disposal. The med's do change people, too. As well as looking the grim reaper in the eyeballs.Your comment about Joe looking like a Holocaust victim, well..so did Pat. We went through this horrible teeter totter of fluid build up, & he he went from 190 to 120 lbs. So frail I could have picked him up. I had to dress him the last 4 months, for he couldn't button his shirts, pants or put on socks. Pat never bragged on how much he Loved me, nor did he ever get angry with me. He cracked jokes & teased the Dr's & nurses. His eyes lit up when I came home from work & made dinner, & in the hospital.

I still think the Hospital had their hand in Pat's death. 2 weeks before he died he was hospitilized, he fell down in the street getting the newspaper. His liver Dr. sent him right over to be stabilized..& the next day Pat was better. I met with his Dr's & they said they wanted to try a new medicine, but his body wasn't strong enough to handle it. The next day at work I was called by a hospitilist who ssaid Pat was now in ER...guess what? They gave him the new medicine. I rushed to the hospital & Pat told me, he almost had dyed, & they brought him back. 2 weeks later Pat was Dead. Only God knows. Pray I never go through this again, I'll carry a tape recorder & record ever conversation with a Dr.

I called an old girlfriend yesterday, & lost it. Wishing her a Happy Birthday, & seeing how her new grandbaby was doing. The other grandmother recently was Lucky enough to receive a Liver Transplant from a young man in her hometown. My "friend" commented well, Pat was too sick to survive the surgery. I just hung up on her. Pat was called a month before his death for transplant..another Bad Liver! People are so calloused!

Vickie

[AnnC]

My ex-husband also died of liver disease. He had a shunt around his liver and lived like that for 19months. He was very gentle with me (we were still very close friends), but sometimes difficult with his friends. He picked arguments with them all over those months, and broke up with his boyfriend. My grief therapist says that people who are possibly terminal sometimes do that, because it's easier to say goodbye to people you are angry with. Also they may fear being a burden.

I can relate to your concerns about the hospital. My ex's shunt began to fail, and they couldn't replace it or clean it out because the cirrhosis had spread so far. He kept calling his doctor to be reassessed for the transplant list, and his doctor kept telling him not to worry about it. Then my ex started to have the fuzzy-brain (hepatic encephalitis) that you can get with liver failure, and was hospitalized and got a staph infection. He had that fluid buildup too. While they were clearing that up, a liver became available. He was transferred to the hospital that had the transplant unit. But they were trying to stabilize him (they said), and he was in ICU for several days, and then his kidneys failed, and they took him off the transplant list, and he passed away. It's so hard to know for sure what really happened -- he was within a day or so of the transplant, so if they had reassessed him earlier, likely he would have gotten the transplant -- on the other hand, patients with his type of Hepatitis B are not always good transplant patients, so who knows. You can drive yourself crazy wondering.

Ann

[kath]

Dear Ann and Vickie,

I agree that we drive ourselves crazy with the wondering who to blame. Bob was supposed to make the transplant list the day he coded. Then, they said he would have been too sick to receive it. A week before he was hospitalized, I was pushing his doctor to have him evaluated. She kept saying, "It's a process and he's not there yet." Then, the Friday before (he died Tuesday morning) the U wouldn't take him for evaluation, because he wasn't "sick" enough. Hours later, they agreed he was sick enough, but I had to drive him, bladder bag and all. Even on his last day, a team of doctors checking on him said that they caused the fluid buildup around his lungs and they could fix it. Well, they couldn't. He developed septic shock and everything went. It's good to remind myself of all this. When I think I can't take losing him anymore, I have to remember all he went through to stay here with us. Did I tell you, Bob was my hero?

Kath

[marsha]

Ann - yes - my niece's thought was that if Joe made me angry enough, it would be easier to accept his death. Sorry, Joey, it didn't work! Kath, good words, and I agree. If I were to get a terminal sentence, I'm sure I would be cranky, pissed off, and generally just unbelieving, just like Joe was. He fought his fight with valor. Thanks, guys, for the healing words. Marsha