Thank God The Holidays Are Over

[Ployd]

I have been out of town. I was just reading everyone's post's. I cried reading a few. It's been a year this past Thanksgiving that my husband died. This Christmas wasn't quite as bad as last year. I don't remember much about Christmas in 2007, that was a blur. My sister's were great again this year, they gave me a special present just from them. They wanted me to have something special to open. Of course, I cried again. The Company I work for, we have a partner in Mexico, they sent me a special present in memory of Ken, I cried again. I have had some "alone" time to think about 2008. It was hard, it still is. I had to remove Ken's personal items, clothes, medical stuff, no one prepaired for that. One day I was so angry, I started going through the laundry room and I found in a box the mask that was made for his head when he was going through radiation. I took a hammer and smashed it to bits, cried and screamed a little. Ok, so I cried a lot during the Holidays.

As some of you said, people looked at me and said "you look good, you sound great." That's the way I looked on the outside, the inside, my heart just wasn't into the whole Holiday thing. I am not sure the Holidays will ever be the same.

I thought a lot about what all of you have said to me and others. Your advice helped me through many nights that I couldn't sleep. I keep telling myself we are all in this together. My friend back East emailed me about his Mother having colon cancer, again. She has about 3 months or less. While I was trying to console him, memories of Ken came flooding back about his cancer and what he went through.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I wish to you a better 2009. Everyone here is wonderful and willing to jump in to help and console each other. This is a place where I can come into and just talk and no one will judge me, well I hope no one will.

Lots of hugs to all of you

Paula

[dpodesta]

Paula

This was my third Christmas without Karen and I can tell you it will get better. Back in 1986 my grandmother who lived with us died and my parents got divorced. I was 17 at the time. My grandmother was my world and I was very devasted by it. So for many years I couldn't stand the holiday season, my family had been ripped apart. Every year since that time I got very depressed right after Thanksgiving and stayed that way until after New Years. This year even tho it has only been 2 1/2 years since Karen's death has been the first year I didn't dread this season. I had a rough time on Christmas Eve but that was about it. I can't explain it all I know is that it was better. My sister gave me a few presents from Santa to put under the tree so when Carson got up that morning there was a few things for me as well. I had to write her a card because if she didn't do that there wouldn't have been anything for me to open. I know it is all about our kids taht morning but it is nice to have a few surprises under the tree also. Anyway, I hope this gives you some hope that the season will get better, it will just take time.

Love always

Derek

[Ployd]

Derek

Thank you for that. I don't have any children, so that makes the Holidays, different. My sisters give me a present because they feel that I don't get any because Ken isn't here. They are right. Ken always made Christmas special. I was Ok Christmas Eve, being with my family but it still isn't the same. I guess I looked at them with their spouses and kids and I felt as if I was looking in. It was strange.

Anyway, now I have to look forward to Valentine's Day, that was my husbands Birthday. I seem to dread that day coming up.

Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

Paula

[dpodesta]

I know that on the outside looking in feeling. Birthdays and Anniversaries seem to be the hardest. Our anniversary happens a couple of weeks before the 3 year mark of her death. I can tell you those days get a little easier each time, not much easier but the do get easier. Hang in there.

Love always

Derek

[JeanneC]

Derek and Paula:

Derek, I am happy to hear that it does get better. I have even noticed a slight change in the way I feel. This was the first Christmas without Alex and it was tough. At the end of this month it will be 7 months since he died. I am happy the holidays are over and like I said I do feel a slight change for the better. That's not saying that I won't have some bad days. I think that is to be expected.

Paula, I don't have any children either and it is lonely. I think that is what I suffer the most, is the loneliness. The holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions will get easier, but I know that they will never be the same. The loss of our spouses will always be there, no matter how many years go by. It is just the way we deal with it.

I pray for everyone that is going through this.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[jackietnd1]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for sharing your experiences about the Holidays, this was my first Christmas without my Lawrence and was difficult, as well as lossing my mother just before Christmas. The most difficult part for me was that this was both of their

faviorte holiday and they both always made it special. I was just not going to do anything let the day just go by. However I did put the tree up, cooked dinner and had my sisters and brother and my dad over for dinner. And like you said Paula everyone looks on the outside and say you look good, however on the inside I was falling apart. I did get through it, lost my job in the process due to my own doing trying to self medicate once again. The one year mark is coming up for Lawrence and I am just not sure how to feel so today I am just trying to take one day at a time. I went to shop for myself this year as Lawrence always got me the best smelling perfurms so I went and got a couple that he would have got me.

and in momery of Mommie I was the family cook, which that is what she would have do. I am just trying to honor them and live as hard as it is some days, it been 9 months for Lawrence and almost 2 for Mommie, I pray this gets better.

Keep the Faith

Jackie

[AnnC]

Paula,

Actually, I think smashing that mask was a really healthy thing. Very therapeutic, I would think. My grief counselor said the hardest part about grief work is just letting yourself feel the feelings, screaming and wailing when you need to. Somehow, it eventually does bring healing. I learned from her to go ahead and throw myself into the grief when I felt it, scary though it was. I once cried so hard I threw up. I felt that I would never stop crying. But I did, and I felt better for having given in to it. People encourage us to be "strong", which usually means to be stoic and show no feelings. It's actually scarier, therefore stronger, to feel the feelings and get through them. It's the road to healing, even though "healing" does not mean you go back to who you were before, or that you forget, but instead that you eventually adjust to your loss and find meaning in life again.

Ann

[kayc]

Paula,

I think smashing the mask was very therapeutic! When George died, I threw away all of his welding clothes, for me it was a reminder of something that I felt contributed to his heart attack, and I didn't care if it was expensive Carharts or what, out they went!

[Ployd]

Hi

I am home from work, the traffic is so bad here. Very stressful.

Jackie, you have had two losses in one year, I am so sorry.

When I was growing up, there were 4 of us. We were not suppose to "cry over spilled milk," so to speak. Everytime we did cry about something, we were told to stop and told that was not the adult thing to do. When my husband died and I had to go back East, I didn't cry in front of my Mother. So, it's always been somewhat difficult for me to show emotions. During the past year, I got better, no one was here and I cried every single time I felt the need. I soon realized that crying does not say I am weak, it says I miss my husband very much and wish he was here with me.

Some of you mentioned cooking, I don't cook, never did. My husband did all the cooking. Not to say I don't try, I do, very badly I might add. So, I eat a lot of frozen food I pop into the microwave. Not good choices but I feel that's better than fast food.

Besides smashing the mask, I had to go through all of his paper work because he was a teacher. I sat down one night and shreaded tons of paper. The next thing might sound kind of strange, Ken's dentures. I kept them. I don't know what to do with them. I did put them out of sight, but what do I do with them?

It helps to talk and write things down. Everyday things do get a little better. Although, I still don't like the Holidays. Glad the commercials are over.

Love and hugs to everyone

Paula

[JeanneC]

Hi Paula:

It seems that we are somewhat similar. I don't have any children and my husband did all the cooking (during the week). He worked from home so it was easier. I do cook, but he seemd to experiement more with different dishes. Also, my husban wore dentures. I did not thrrough any of his personal items, like dentures or glasses. In fact, I still have not given away any of his clothes. Maybe in time you will decide what to do with them.

I know that when Alex first died I did not want to do anything with his personal items. I still have them and I guess in time It will come easy to decide what to do with them.

Jeanne

[Ployd]

Hi Jeanne

It seems we are similar. I kept the dentures, Ken's glasses, his badge that he wore to work. I also kept his riding boots and hat. His clothes, that took me a couple of months. I kept thinking he was going to come back, he would walk in the door like he always did. It didn't happen and a friend suggested that we go through his clothes . She was right and I talked to Ken the whole time as I took each shirt each pair of slacks and neatly folded them and put them in boxes. I took them to a men's shelter. I didn't want the clothes resold. The men's shelter was perfect, they are being trained to go out into the work force and they couldn't afford to buy clothes.

You will know when the time is right. Get a good friend to help you. I also had to keep thinking he wouldn't have wanted me to keep everything. He also knew I needed the closet space. I have to laugh about that one. Oh, I also kept his favorite shirt that we bought in Hawaii. So, I don't see anything wrong with keeping a few "special" items that ment a lot to him. These items are not on display or anythng like that, they are put away.

When my neighbors wife passed away, he called me and ask me to go through all of her clothes and personal belongings. He didn't want to look at any of it. I did what he ask and he donated everything to a local church.

Take care

Love and hugs

Paula

[marsha]

Paula and Jeanne: Count me in as being right where you are. Joe's glasses and the gold hoop earring he always wore are on my kitchen counter. His sandals are right by the front door where he last took them off, still, after 6 months plus. It's not that I'm thinking he's going to walk in the door, they just give me comfort sitting right where they are. I literally cannot move these items - but that's ok. I've given away the items that he really never wore to our local hotline. I gave some of his extra large t shirts to my now 9 month pregnant employee, who wore them to work - that made me and her feel good.

Jackie - good for you for both buying yourself a present and for cooking for your family! I know how hard that must have been.

Peace to all, Marsha

[kath]

I still have a lot of Bob's things, too. Some clothing I've been able to give away. Our godchild actually wore one of Bob's sweaters to Christmas in his honor. That made me feel really good. Imagine a 22 year old wearing anything from a mature 56 year old man! A lot of other possessions I put in containers and moved under the steps. But, his presence is everywhere. His cologne is on his dresser and his coat hangs in the closet. I still trip over his boots walking in the door. It seemed what I had the most trouble with was the thousands of dollars of medication living in our home. I couldn't just throw it out and I kept looking for a place to bring it. Finally, after a year, there was a medicine collection drive in the next town. It was tough. Each time I let go, I feel a step further away. So, I continue to take it slow. Someday I'll donate his glasses. I know there is a huge need as people are less able to afford them.

Thanks to everyone for being here and if I haven't met you, yet, I'm sorry you have to be here. I'm working full-time again and am finding there aren't nearly enough hours in the day to get anything accomplished. I miss connecting to this site the most of all. But, I waw on the news that unemployment is the worst in history and I feel fortunate to have found a job I love. Take good care, Kath