My Heart Is Broken

[Peggy1617]

I met my husband Rich when I was 14. He told my parents that he was going to marry me one day. We met up again when I was 17 1/2 and eloped after I turned 18. Everyone said our marriage would not last.

We had our son and while pregnant with my daughter my husband had emergency surgery in 1975. He had Crohn's disease. The doctors put him on medication and said he had maybe 5-10 years to live. My husband being the fighter he was amazed the doctors all the time with his determination to stay alive. He was on medication and was constantly in pain. The disease played havoc with his body. He was always making everyone laugh. He kept active and worked through the pain. He was always there for his family and friends. If someone needed a hand whether a friend or stranger he was there.

In December he was having trouble keeping food down. He went to his primary care physician on 12/17. He gave him penicillin and sent him home. On 12/18 he wasn't hungry but I made him something light when I came home from work. On 12/19 we were getting a snow storm so he drove me to work. I called him in the afternoon (like I always do) and he said the he vomited and my daughter would pick me up. I didn't want to go to the hospital because he thought he had the flu. On 12/20 he was still throwing up and decided to go to the hospital.

At the hospital they determined that he had a blockage due to the Crohn's disease. He was operated on 12/22. He came through the surgery though he was week. My family and I were with him constantly. We brought our granddaughters to see him on Christmas Day. He was very tired. They had started him on a light diet. We were making plans for him to come home over the weekend.

On 12/26 the hospital called and said that he was having problems breathing. I panicked. They said he was okay. My daughter and I went to the hospital. In the parking lot we were called and told that he had gone into cardiac arrest. They did get him back but he was in a coma. I rushed into the hospital and took one look and know he was gone. They ran all kinds of test and determined that he was brain dead. He had aspirated and not received oxygen for about 15 minutes. The doctors could not tell me what happened. They just said they didn't have any answers and couldn't tell me why. We let him go on 12/30.

I am depressed and angry. I cry all the time and feel that I am losing my mind. My heart is broken. We would celebrate our 39th anniversary on 2/21. February is a very sad month between my birthday, anniversary, and Valentine's Day. I feel so alone. I have been told life goes on and I have to move forward. How do I move forward? I can't eat or sleep. I feel such a burden to my family and friends. I just want to be with Rich.

[JeanneC]

Hi Peggy:

I am so sorry about your husband and that you had to come to this site. But, if there is one place that you should come is to this site. It is something that you met your husband and eloped and would be celebrating your 39th wedding anniversary. Take solace in that it was a good marriage and you had children and grandchildren that love you. I know this is way too soon now that you lost your husband, but I do truly feel that it will get better. You will hear from many of us that will say the same thing. I lost my husband Alex 7 1/2 months ago. He was admitted to the hospital on January 28, 2008 and died June 28, 2008. Five months later. And he was in the hospital for the full five months. I went every day and sometimes all day. It is tough I know and it is hard to bear. I was married for 15 years and with him for 20. We did not have any children though. The pain does lessen, but it might not ever fully lessen. I don't really know, because it is a short time for me also. This week it has been a little hard for me. I am remember the things that happened to him last year this time. It's all about getting through one day at a time.

Remember that you have very caring people here. I don't know what I would do without them. They have become my dearest friends.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Lily]

Dear Peggy, you must be hurting so bad...and no matter what anyone says, words just don't help...sometimes you just want everyone to just keep quiet

and just listen to your pain, just sit there and let you cry and cry and cry...I just wanted someone to (who really cared and loved me) to hold me, to let

me cry and talk about Rich (that's my husbands name also)...but it always seemed as though my crying made people uncomfortable, they felt compelled

to say things - like they have to you - "life goes on"/"you have to move forward"/ "would Rich want this"...so I eventually just began to hold things in when

around others - but, Peggy, I still cry and I still hurt and I wish I could tell you otherwise....but I get through the days by forcing myself - and I mean

forcing - to do things -only the basics but I feel that if I sat with nothing to keep my mind busy, I would lose my mind, but yet not lose the memories and

would hurt even more if that's possible....Like you and your Rich, my Rich and I met when I was just 17; we would be celebrating our 47th anniversary

this Feb. 24 and I miss him so. I can't believe that he will never be in my life again. I know the awfulness of the pain and lonliness you're feeling.

I wish and pray for some peace for you and for all of us in this group. Coming here is really the only place of contact with good and kind friends who

don't feel the need to tell you life goes on and you have to move forward or you can't cry everyday, it's not good for you. Peggy, you're not a

burden on those who really matter. You've lost a good man a strong man in his love for you...you can't not have a broken heart....if I could hold you

and hug you while you cried, I would....instead all I can do is to let you know that writing here helps....I always say it helps for only a while....but

every little bit of comfort we can get is so necessary. Lily

[fred]

Peggy, Lily and Jeanne are right, we are all distressed when someone new joins us. And this journey you are just beginning will go on for some time. We all know about not being able to sleep, or not having any desire for food and there is so much more you will endure. Don`t fret about trying to move forward, grief has its` own timetable, forcing it makes it more painful. Don`t worry about being a burden on your family and friends, you will discover how much they love and care for you as they try to help you through this. There aren`t any words that will make much of a difference right now, but over time you will hear a few that give you the strength to keep going. Please take that time when you can`t sleep to come here and post and read back through the pages of the journeys that the rest of us have lived. This will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but it is a testament to the love you and Rich shared. You won`t ¨get over¨ him or ¨move on¨ quickly, and you shouldn`t. Your heart is broken and will need time to heal. For now, just try to be easy on yourself.

[WendyJ]

Peggy I want to welcome you to our family and I too am sorry for the loss of your husband. I met my husband when I was 15 and knew from that moment I would marry him some day, well I did just before my 21st birthday and sadly I lost him March 7th of 2007 so in a few short weeks I am coming up to my 2 year anniversary and a short time after that would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. I lost my Steve to a unknown blood clot that traveled to his heart. We are all at various stages of our grief and will be here for you whenever you need us.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Peggy1617]

Jeanne, Lily,Fred, and Wendy,

Thank you for letting me part of this special group and for all the support and encouragement at this time in my life. It is comforting to know that you are able to help and support others after what you have all been through. I can only hope that I will be able to provide that support to others in the future.

Peggy

[kayc]

Peggy,

Life doesn't go on all that quick or easy as people would expect. You had a whole lifetime with this wonderful man and adjusting to your new life is the hardest thing you'll ever be called on to do. I'm glad you found this site, it has been a lifesaver for me. Feeling like you're going crazy is a normal response to what you're going through. Everything in your life has been changed in the blink of an eye! We're here for you, I wish you didn't have to be here, going through this, but you have the company of others here and we've all been through it.

Kay