1 Week Since My Daddy Passed Away :unsure:

[proud2bmyself]

Hello to anyone who is reading...

I am 20 years old, a sophomore in college, and my father passed away suddenly, without warning, of cardiac arrest one week ago. I have so much more to say, but right now I'm just posting this so that anyone may respond with words of wisdom. He left 3 daughters, I'm the oldest, and my sisters are 10 years old and 3 years old. He widowed my stepmother who is 35 and not ready to be a single parent. She has been a stay at home mom for years, I'm so worried about my sisters. My parents' (meaning my father and stepmother) home life was very unstable...they were not happy together, and they could hardly afford to pay the bills. Money will not be an issue for now because of life insurance, but she will definitely have trouble snapping into super mom mode...she's never been a bad mother, but she can be slightly neglectful from time to time (even before the death of my father) and our family is hoping this will push her to be a stronger mother figure even though it will be hard for her...

As for me, I'm helping her a lot with housework, the girls, and arrangements now that dad is gone (but my family fears maybe a little too much, because I haven't been giving myself enough space to grieve on my own)...Of course everyone is a little worried, and it's taking everything in my power to worry about myself and my own grief for now, rather than go try and replace my Daddy by moving off campus and moving home to take care of my baby sisters. (I am a Resident Assistant on campus, and live only 15 minutes away, so luckily I can visit, but it's so hard to try and keep going as life is normal). I was so very close to my father, even though I've been off campus for a year and half, and I wish he was here....

Anything anyone can say, whether it be about grieving, if it gets easier, the shock, the family situations deceased parents leave behind...etc...would be appreciated. Maybe later I will post something more detailed and in depth, that will give a better understanding of my family background. In many ways it seems unfair that at my age I'm forced to be so worried about my sisters and how they will be treated, and how my father's side of the family is scattered everywhere across the country, but nowhere near me. My biological mother and I are in touch, but not extremely close, she came for the funeral to support me because she loved my dad for raising me so well, but anyway...I feel stranded and alone without my Dad. I have my sisters, and they're the only blood relatives I have nearby at all....(and they are my half sisters, by the way, but we are very close)

-Courtney

[kath]

Dear Courtney,

I am sorry to hear about your dad. My husband died less than two years ago and my kids at the time were 9 and 10. The first year was really tough and we are just now finding our balance. I'm glad you are close enough to help out if needed. You need to take care of yourself. This is going to be hard for you as you knew your dad the best and may be the one to grieve the deepest. Your stepmom, even though the relationship was rocky, will need time to adjust. This is really sudden for her, too. So, if you could take your sisters on occassion, just for the day, I think that would be a big help to all of you.

Young kids are resilient. The youngest won't really understand. Death is a hard concept, even for us adults. The 10 year old will grieve differently than you, too, so just try to be patient with everyone. My daughter (who was 10 at the time) just wanted to be like everyone else. Losing her dad made her different so she wouldn't talk about it with her friends or teachers. She also became more acutely afraid, especially of storms and things outside her control. The things she was good at, she perfected, like being a good student, it became an obsession to not miss a day of school. There are a lot of books (I like the Angel Catcher book best) that help them journal and keep momentoes and things for them to remember their dad. And give plenty of hugs. We don't have many of the answers, but by being a continuous part of their lives, you can help them regain their sense of security.

Here's a hug for you (()). I'm am sorry you have to go through this. I am also glad you found this site. There are amazing people willing to share their deepest sorrows and insights in an effort to help the rest of us. They've been my lifeline. I hope we can be that for you, too.

Kath

[InNeedOfAnAngel]

Courtney,

i lost my mom last year suddenly too, to a massive stroke. i had just turned 21. i was forced into taking care of everything for my mom cuz i was an only child. my parents were divorced and it was only my mom and i for about 13 years. i always had contact with my dad and he came to visit but it was never a real father daughter relationship, he just was a father when he felt like being one. now he's forced to help me financially with schooling and what not. he has no clue what to do. I kind of know what your going through and it's tough and absolutely no fun at all. but you do need to make time for yourself. i now at almost 22 own a house, 1.23 acres, 2 cars, and a lot of home furnishings. never thought i'd have all of this quite this early in life. i know school is going to be super difficult for you to finish but just try to buck through it and do the best you can to get through it and finish.

[proud2bmyself]

Thank you to both of you...I think this site is going to be such a big help...because right now even though I'm 20 years old, I feel like a little lost girl without her Daddy in a big world of strangers....This morning I woke up okay, but I'm at work on campus right now at the front desk of our building and I am really feeling the hole in my heart....It doesn't feel like today's going to be an easy day....and the weather here is resembling how I feel...dismal and dull.

[proud2bmyself]

I just remembered how loud and goofy his laugh was when he would watch really dumb videos on you tube and show them to me....or when our kitties would go crazy late at night how it made him laugh....it's so hard to imagine a world without his laugh....

[AnnieO]

Proud,

I am 48 years old and still feel lost without my mom and dad. It doesn't matter how old you are , when you lose your dad or mom , you feel like a little child all over again. I hope one day when you remember your dad laughing at videos or your kittens, it will fill your heart with love and all the happy memories will bring you comfort.

[proud2bmyself]

Well, as of last night it was two weeks since he passed away. Some days are good, some are bad. Right now I'm sort of peaceful. Just taking it one day at a time, and today I'm listening to "Into the West" from Lord of the Rings, because it makes me think of my Daddy when he left this world and started a new journey just like all of us who were left behind without him. If you've lost someone, I recommend that song when you are sad. Now I'm starting to deal with everything left behind...a post office box, taking my cell phone off of his plan and opening a new account, my own car insurance, trying to figure out what to do for health insurance, and the will looks as if I will be owning the house soon, which is a whole 'nother story/problem in itself....Just trying to keep breathing. I loved my Daddy so much.

-Courtney

[MartyT]

Courtney, dear ~ What a beautiful song! Just now I found two renditions of it on YouTube:

Into the West with Happy Rhodes,

Into the West from Lord of the Rings, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v-eKTTVmNQ

Would you consider adding it to our list of recommended songs on our Grief Songs page?

(If you're not yet familiar with it, you can read more about our special Grief Songs Web page in this thread: Music, Share Any That Touches You )

Since you're a college sophomore, I think you may find the posts in this thread of interest as well ~ and be sure to read all the posts in the entire thread: Communication: How? When? Is It Necessary?

[southern eagle]

Hey there,

My heart goes out to you. I know that being the strong one is unreal. You have to take time to grieve in a way that is best for you....nothing more and nothing less. I know what my daughters felt who are your age when my parents passed and I know what I felt at your age as I started my journey of grief.

First step...take care of yourself...you are a rock star for the family, but take care of you first so that you can take care of others....cry, scream, and know that the pain is real and normal,,,it does get better.

Second step....let the family help you....they need the chance to make a difference and help you as well.

Third step...Know that grief hurts and that is normal...Crying, screaming, being cold or freezing is normal and means that you are a caring person...hug yourself for that.

Final step...you are still a kid in women's clothing.... reach out to those of us who take some of the weight off of you....

Patti

[RhinoGal]

Hi Courtney,

My Daddy passed away one day after yours did...2/18/09. The first two weeks I was able to keep myself together but today I just can't stop crying. I think that the initial shock/numbness is wearing off and the pain is coming to the surface. My mom died unexpectedly on 3/30/01 when I was 23 and it took me many years to get through that loss, and even now, I grieve her right along with my Daddy. Some things that really helped me when my mom died and that I am starting again are:

1. Join a grief support group, online or if possible, in person as well. Your local Hospice may offer these classes and they are amazingly healing;

2. Check out some books on grief. I am re-reading Bob Deit's "Life After Loss" and it is really helpful. It goes through the stages of grief, what to expect, and specific exercises to get yourself in touch with your feelings and to HEAL.

3. Try to keep the 4 legs of your table balanced. They are: Nutrition (including lots of water), Rest, Mental/Spiritual Fitness and Exercise.

I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and I know what you are going through. You are doing a great job of being responsible so please give yourself credit for that. Also don't forget that it's normal to feel heartbroken and remember to take some time to just cry when you need to.

Hugs,

Susan