Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Questions And Tough Days


Recommended Posts

Trying to look at things objectively sometimes helps me to figure out what needs to be done, where I need to start, where am I headed. The big difficulty in trying to look at things objectively is in realizing that I no longer have the attention span necessary to follow through on long term projects. I now need to start them over and over again, trying to remember where I left off and what the next step is. Here I am trying to put myself back together and to learn to live again. I am no longer the man I was when happily married and I know that while it is possible to be accepting of life alone, it was never enjoyable in the years I spent that way.

So the premise is that I am not happy (obviously) and it is unlikely that I ever will be while alone. For some time, I had questioned the idea that it might be possible for someone to achieve contentment by themselves and as this may still be a valid option for others; it isn´t likely for me. I realized that at some time I will have to get out into the world and try living again and that, for me, this may be a lengthy process;so I have begun slowly. Now, I am not a recluse, I have friends, lots of friends; but everyone has (or is seeking) to build their own family life (or is content and accepting of their own solitude). What I would want most of all, is to return to the happy married life I once had, but as this is certainly not an option; I have to consider that my new beginning means to think about dating and all of the trepidation that goes along with that subject.

And so, I have begun. I don´t even know what constitutes a ¨date¨ and have been so far removed from that subject for so long, that it is necessary to look into the matter as a bona fide research project. Among my younger friends, there are some that have been actively seeking to begin their own families. Conversations with these individuals reveal that today´s dating experience is much different than what I was involved with thirty years ago! Everyone is busy today, so many activities and obligations they all seem to be moving in so many directions at once. Sometimes they meet people through their work and pastimes or through friends, but many are using these online dating services. Well, since I am still a little unsure of the whole idea, and as I have made many friends here; this appeared to be a way to ease into this new world.

Before you elect to take such a step, I suggest that you prepare yourself carefully. It can be quite overwhelming and intimidating. I had several false starts and tried a couple of different sites before I found one I could be comfortable on and still I am unsure whether these things are really a good idea. But time went by and I was asked out by a woman after trading a number of e-mails over several weeks. It was a very tentative dating relationship, if it can even be called that and suddenly it ended. Nothing horrible but it didn´t work out and I find myself a bit withdrawn today. A flashback to much of the grief experience. Again, nothing really bad, but others have commented on how these setbacks seem to open the door back into our earlier grief and we miss our spouses anew, all over again. I will try again. Tomorrow. Or the next day, because then I will be back to feeling lost in my solitude again and I know I don´t want to live there forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fred, dear, I'd like to recommend a hopeful and uplifting book that you might find helpful at this point in your grief journey: The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman. By clicking on the book's title, you can read the description and reviews on Amazon's Web site.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...


I understand your not wanting to live your life alone. I found myself looking through the church directory for single men. (My kids freaked out over this, mind you.) I wasn't really serious, but I was curious. Kudos for being able to get out there. I got myself a dog instead ^_^ .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Way to go, Kath! Us dog lovers have to stick together!

Although I haven't progressed to dating (after John), I am trying to keep active and take advantage of any opportunity to have fun and get out as I don't think it's healthy to stay in and be lonely. Tonight I am going to a "jam session" at a local hangout with a new friend, and tomorrow night after singles group I've been invited to go listen to a band. It doesn't really matter to me whether I do things with guys or girls (okay, guys have more spark to them) but just so I get out and do things besides cleaning the house. :blush:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...