I Would Have Done Things Differently

[Chai]

I thought I was okay in the whole "guilt" department because of having talked to people over the winter (although that was a long time ago) and having certain thoughts in my brain that worked to ward it off.

But now all those feelings are coming back. When I was thinking thoughts like "I should have visited him more when I was ill," I got help from his therapist, Diana. She helped me with my guilt over not visiting or calling more. And she helped me to feel okay about not having called him on the day he passed away...I got to talk to him the day before. It was a good talk.

Now these feelings are resurging. Not about the calling, but when I first found out that my dad was in the hospital, and later that he had cancer, I feel I should have rushed over there. But I didn't! I was so scared...I talked to my mom...we decided, to wait until he was settled at home, to visit.

If I had depended less on my mother, and trusted my own self, I would have been able to see more of my dad before he passed away. So all these regretful feelings are coming back...and after I visited him, I thought, "I want to be by his side every day," but I didn't do it. I fulfilled my duty as a student better than I fulfilled my duty as a daughter, I mean, wouldn't it have been better to take school off and be there? I would miss him even if I had been there every day, but my being there - that is something I had control of, so why didn't I take the reins?

At the same time, though, I had to contend with my dad himself. He had hope for recovery. I didn't talk to him about how scared I was, because I wanted to be sure to be encouraging. I think his being in good spirits helped him to be happier in his last two months, helped him last longer and be stronger for a while, against a cancer that there was no hope for anymore (since it wasn't caught earlier - metasticized melanoma).

Even so, these feelings of guilt come to me sometimes...asking myself, "Why wasn't I there for him more?" I wonder if I will have to live with this guilt and regret for the rest of my life. (Although he was so forgiving, he would not want me to feel guilty; regret is for my own sake, that I didn't get to see him more...)

How to cope with these feelings? I don't know what to do...I haven't been able to sleep very well lately, with these thoughts in my head. I think this all relates to my being too hard on myself - on my past, crazy sad self as I was during my dad's illness, and now this judgment of my past last-semester self is reflecting onto my present this-semester self and driving me crazy...

[emptyinside]

I understand you so well. I really relate to your statement about fulfilling the duties of a student better than of a daughter. I was by my dad's side 24/7 in the hospital for 4 months (cleaning him, feeding him, talking to doctors), then went home to go back to school when my visa expired and once they moved my dad to a chronic care facility, saying he was in the clear and needed recovery in a less serious hospital. I could have renewed by flying to a nearby country...easy. But I didn't. I went back to school, thinking he'd be all right, thinking, "Hey, I can now be more useful by going to school and making arrangements for his trip back home." I'm kicking myself every single day for what I did to him. I don't have any advice. You're not alone, though. I don't know if I'll have to live like this forever; I have a feeling I will. I'd definitely trade places with him now. The whole situation is strange to me now; hindsight is 20/20. My present self is looking back at my few-months-ago self, going, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT, IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S SERIOUS?!" At the time I thought we were going to be okay; he was in the clear, and if the doctors, who went to school for years for this, didn't seem worried, then I shouldn't diagnose him myself and worry, right? Turns out I was wrong. Dead wrong. I have trouble living with myself these days. *hugs*

[marsha]

Chai - I understand what you're saying. Guilt - thinking back to what should I have done. Or should have done differently. It's hindsight, now - now we have the time to think about it. Then, we did what thought was best. For me, I had to run our business. Should I have closed it and spent 24/7 with Joe? But we would have had no income. I know it sounds cold, but I still had to make money for us to live, while caregiving for him as best as I could. I think if you would have asked your father what he would have wanted, he would have said, continue school - continue your life. Our loved ones had their own path to take - we took their pain alongside them as much as we could. If only our love could change things! But no matter what you did, or didn't do, and for myself as well, we couldn't have changed anything. Your father knew that you loved him totally. Try to journal and get out your feelings on paper as a catharsis. P.S. we're all human, we hoped for the best and didn't anticipate the worst - Peace, Marsha

[mlg]

It must be the time of year because I have had a lot of the guilts again too.

First of all, I'll tell you what I've been telling myself. There isn't a darn thing we can do to change it. It's over and done. You did the best you could do at the time. I know if you had asked him he would have wanted you to keep things as "normal" as possible. Your life was going to go on even after he was gone and if you had taken the time off it may have been even harder to return and I'm sure that would have made him sad.

Just know that all here understand and are giving you hugs to get through this 1/2 step backwards. Maybe tomorrow it will be one step forward.

[AnnC]

I wrestled with this, also. I wanted to visit my ex-husband when he was ill, but he talked me out of it. He didn't want me to see him sick, and he didnt' want me to spend a lot of money going to visit him. But after he died, I was so upset and wished and wished that I had visited him no matter what he said, and that I had called him more often, that I had done so many things.

It helped me to read on this website, and also to hear from people in my grief group, that guilt is pretty much universal after someone dies. There were people who had not talked to the person in years -- and there were people who were there when their loved one died, and they all felt guilty because they thought they didn't spend enough time with them. No matter what amount of time they spent, they ALL felt guilty. It seems to just be part of grief, and the knowledge that now you can't spend time with them anymore, so all your regrets about time missed come back to you.

In reality, in most cases we did not know how serious it was, or we had to take care of children, or business, or otherwise keep our lives going. Or the person really wanted us to go on with our lives. There are many reasons, and they are good reasons. And if doctors were telling you he was all right, which was the case with my ex-husband also, then how would you know any different?

We are not God, we don't know when someone's time will come. We do the best we can. Certainly, if I had known my ex was actually dying, I would have gone to be with him. But I didn't know, so I had to forgive myself for not being there since I didn't really have the money to go and I didn't know he was dying. And I didn't have any leave time, and couldn't afford to give up my job or go on leave without pay.

And I agree that your dad would likely not have wanted you to quit school.

I think we all struggle with guilt, but it does get better over time as you realize you did the best you could at the time.

Ann

[Chai]

Thank you all very much for your replies. I am still mulling over this in my head, and I can't say the guilt has gone away. Perhaps it is something that will surge up and then bury itself, surge and go, over and over. It is really good to know that I am not alone in this agonizing guilty feeling. We did the best we could, yet somehow we still find ourselves looking back and saying, "I would have done things differently, had I known." But that's just the thing! We didn't know, and so not knowing, we did what we could with the circumstances.

You guys are right. My dad would've said "stay in school" had I brought it up. He wanted things as normal as possible even for himself, for a while, I think, and he wanted it like this for me, too.

It's really tough when these guilty times come up again. But thank you all for being here. It makes it easier, and makes me feel stronger about it.

[JoyceV]

As a Bereavement Counselor, I have not had one client (myself included) who has not expressed feelings of guilt. What is helpful, is to look at what guilt actually is and what it isn't. Guilt is the feeling we experience when we have done something, said something, or not done something or said something to or for our loved one while he/she was still alive that haunts us. It is a powerful emotion that can hold us captive, isolate us, and change our perception of who we are. Regret, on the other hand, is what we feel when things did not happen to way we wish they had. More often, what grieving evokes in us is more regret than guilt. It reminds us that we are human and there are some things we simply could not control, i.e., the death of someone we deeply love. I am encouraged to see how you all have responded to Chai and each other. Sharing these feelings is certainly the first step. There are various exercises that can help us get past these feelings, one is writing a letter to your loved one, expressing these feelings of guilt or regret. But, I think the most important step is to remember all the things you did right and all the ways, over the years, you expressed your love. These are the memories that are to be cherished. Sharing your support with each other on this site is certainly another. Thank you all for your insights and compassion for one another.

Joyce

[Chai]

Thank you for your reply, Joyce. It is so heartwarming to discover people who are so willing to help others, as you are. Thank you for your wise words. I like this differentiation between guilt and regret - you are right. There was nothing done wrong, simply that time was cut short and so many more things could have been done and said. We are not in control.

This forum is so helpful! Without it, I don't know where I would be.

Chai

[cubby]

Hi Chai!

I think we all say I wish I had...... It is always easier to look back and see things differently. But as it has been said, we do the best that we can at the time. If we knew the future it would change how we do things, but who is to say that is the best thing? We would still have regrets. Don't second guess yourself. I'm sure your dad would have wanted you to stay in school. As a parent, I would want my son to stay in school and TRY to keep things as normal as possible. Of course we all want to be with our loved ones as much as possible. But you have to live your life too. I too have regrets. I frequently question myself about the what if's. But I think I did the best that I could at the time. I'm sure you did the best that you could do. Just keep the good memories in mind. But remember, none of us is perfect, not even our parents. Keep your head up and remember how proud your dad must have been of you!!!!!

Oh, About the support groups, Hospice has one in my area that meets on the last Monday of each month. We meet and introduce ourselves, tell something about our loss or loved one, listen to each other and comfort each other. Our counselor usually reads a story or poem. Our meetings are on a local college campus and last about an hour. Believe me... It does provide an outlet for the grief. We pass the kleenex box around but it is a good cry. I hope you can find or start a support group in your area. Good luck and take care!

[gatorman]

I cry after I watched your beautiful tribute to your father. I must also apologize that I stumbled onto your page having lost my wife recently and getting life saving results from this site in another forum. Your story intigued me because of a comment about guilt and regret, which, it seems, has been helpful to yourself and me. You are very brave and ingenious which I am sure that he wanted as his legacy. I pray the bad waves stay down, I understand. You are a great daughter. Keep up the great work. There are many great people to talk to here if it gets rough.

[valley]

Dear Chai,

You write about your father from your heart and the love you share comes through strong and honest. Such a wonderful tribute to the relationship, to the father, to you.

When my husband found out he had cancer his first concern was for our family. He loved his son and daughter so much and it was so difficult for him to tell them. He did not want to hurt them, to have their good lives changed in any way. Of course this was impossible, but it is what he felt. It is what he tried to say to them. "Please live your life". He enjoyed visitng with them, seeing them and hearing about their day-in and day-out activities. We traveled for medical treatments so they could only stay up with their father via the phone and occasional visits. One of the worst parts of his illness was the feeling that his children would suffer pain and loss. He loved them so much.

I am sure your father was so proud of you. It sounds like you shared a lot with him; learning to love nature and be relaxed in the natural world, the quest for spirituality and your place in the world. These are gifts that you created and shared with each other and that live on. Regret is natural, but not easy. The bond of love you have with your father is strong.

Love to you, Valley

[Chai]

A giant thank you to all of you...wow...everyone here is so sweet! I can't believe the kindness that comes from you. Please understand I am so grateful. This really helps, to read what you have to say, and to think of the gifts my father gave me.

Cubby, thank you, and thank you for the information on the groups. That sounds wonderful. I really should start something...

Gatorman, ((Hugs)), I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Your post went straight to my heart and sent this wave of sad/joy mix that felt really powerful. Thank you.

Valley, the story of your dear husband is very touching. He sounds like he was a very sweet man. I can see the parallels there, this unmatcheable giving that parents do for their children - it can never be repaid. We whose parents are so giving like this - your childrens' father, my father - we are so lucky to have them for as long as we do. Thank you for your words. They give me strength.

I shall go to bed now, with this feeling in mind - savoring and feeling sheltered by this wave of kindness I get from everyone on this website. =)