Ugh Friends I Am So Depressed

[moparlicious]

Hi all my dear friends,

I am so depressed and cry so much, the pain and hurt. If I mess up this post, I apologize, I am typing through tears and hurt. My younger brother called me 2 days ago to tell me, my father was found unconscious and is currently in ICU. He is awake, but cannot breathe on his own.This is the same father who practically abandoned me my entire life and the same parents who waited 9 months after Dan died to call ME!!!!! I have so much confusion in my head and don't know really how I feel. They are still my parents and no matter what I am still their daughter. They have no idea how I feel everyday having to face another day without the one person who I love more than anything in the world and the 13 months of hospitalizations, chemo, surgeries and pain Dan was in. They don't know what it is like to watch your spouse take their last breathe right before your eyes and you are so numb and frozen in time you can;t move,can't breathe. Part of my soul and heart is gone. They only said after 9 months, "he's in a better place". I keep dreaming about this so called better place????? Is the better place, not seeing your youngest daughter graduate high school??? Is this better place never seeing your children get married or have grandchildren?? Is this better place never seeing Dan again, holding his hand or having the one person in your life you can always count on. I am so bitter, I really am trying hard to live in the future and I am trying with all my heart and soul to forgive. I talk to my mother everyday and I did call the hospital to tell the nurses to tell my father I love him, as the tears slowly run down my face, for I may never get the chance to tell him that. I do love them both, I just wish it was mutual. Thank you my dear and true friends for letting me ramble and I am so grateful to have all of you while I work out all these emotions. I have had so much happen this last 1 1/2 years, I really cannot take anymore. If anyone asks me how I feel, my real and true answer is drained, just drained. Love, Kim

[kath]

((((Kim))))

[mlg]

Kim,

I understand how hurt you were by your family (parents) but at least now you are reaching out in some way to them. Do they live quite a distance from you? You are right when you say no matter what you are still their daughter. You have been through so much and I know you will still do the right thing in this situation too.

Yes, Dan and Tom and everyone on this website's loved ones are in a better place but that doesn't help our hurt in the least. We still miss them and it hurts every day.

Know that ((((((hugs)))))) are coming your way.

[Boo Mayhew]

MoParlicious

I'm so so sorry that you are having to contend with these extra feelings on top of what you are already going through. It's not fair. It takes a better, stronger person to choose to be different. You are that person. Even though you didn't receive the love that you craved from your parents you chose to be the parent that loves her children ... I'm so sorry that Dan is not with you to see you through this chapter of your life. Protect yourself through this experience, please.

xx

[kayc]

My dear sweet friend, Kim,

I am sorry, once again, you have so much to contend with. I swear you have the worst luck in the world, but hey, I'm close on your heels and we're both about due now, right? I love you. I know what it is to have parents that disappoint you, that aren't the way you'd pick parents to be. All I know is, you are doing the right thing by choosing to forgive and choosing to say "I love you"...it will benefit you way more than it will him even. When George was in the hospital that fateful weekend, his daughter wanted to tell him she loved him...he wasn't up to being on the phone, he was going to die and he knew it, but I insisted he take the call, and I'm so glad I did. She called him "dad" for the first time and told him she loved him. He waited all his life to hear that and I'm not sure if it sunk in or not because he had just received the roughest news of his life to process...that of his severely damaged heart and unchangeable condition. But it meant the world to his daughter, forever she will be glad she said those words to him...SHE needed to say it even more than he needed to hear it, if possible.

Having a mother that was mental and a father that was alcoholic, I can say my parents usually failed me when I needed them. But they were/are my parents. My dad has been dead for 27 years now and I still miss him. My mom is still a challenge and a struggle but I will miss her when she's gone...I think. I know how hard it is when they say inappropriate things or are devoid of a response they should give. The best thing we can do with it is learn from their mistakes and try not to let our children down in those areas. Thank God our parents didn't have abortions because otherwise we wouldn't be here! I know my mom did her best, it was just sadly lacking. But I look at it this way...if I'd had a normal mother, maybe I wouldn't be who I am today. There's those who might think that a good thing but seriously, who our parents are have shaped and molded us into the sensitive giving people that we are...if we'd been born to someone else, who knows how shallow we might be! You are one of the most special people I have met, okay haven't met, but either way, you're special and I am glad to have known you.

For your dad, keep loving him, say a prayer for him, and know that his lack of responses to you in your life are because he has problems, and have nothing to do with you as a person or how you are. If it went by deserving or needing either one, you'd have had a dad who was there for you.

Keep being yourself, Kim, and all will pan out in the end. Keep being a wonderful mom and friend to others...you are your own finest treasure.

I love you,

Kay

[marsha]

Kim - my friend, through this past year you've had more than most could handle. To reach out to your parents, irregardless of how they failed you in your time of need - that to me speaks of one exceptionally loving and strong woman. Of course your emotions are all over the place, how could they not be? Hugs, marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Gosh Kim, it seems like you've had so much to cope with recently, I'm so sorry. Please remember to take care of yourself. You know we all love you, Deborah

[kath]

Dear Kim,

It's no wonder you are drained. You have been on an emotional roller coaster for over a year. It's not fair. It's not fair that your parents couldn't be there to help you through losing Dan. It's not fair that they have been disconnected from you and that you still love them. It's not fair that your children have had to struggle with their illnesses and you, too. It's not fair that you had the added burden of a fire. It just isn't fair at all. Yet, somehow, some way, by some chance you have walked through it and still have the ability to care. If life were fair, who would we need to care about? There are lessons in everything and they may not be clear when we are in the thick of things. But what I see, is a shining example of resilience, and compassion and love and someone who deserves a really good nap (and possibly a massage if you're lucky.)

After my nephew's funeral last December, I was talking to a cousin. He has experienced a lot of loss in his life (his sister, his dad, friends, etc.) He came up to me and told me that Dustin was in a better place. I wanted to scream. I told him "someone had said that to my son after his dad died and my son wanted to know what was so bad about this place, with us." I told him because I was devasted at yet another loss and I wanted to let him know that it may not be the best thing to say to someone. His response was, "That's the difference between talking to a child and talking to an adult." I was stunned. For months I thought I needed to apologize to him because he was just being polite enough to offer condolensces and I wasn't gracious enough to accept it at that. but now, you've put into words all that I felt, but couldn't say. We mourn not only the person, but all that is lost with them, all the things our kids will miss out on, and all that we had planned. I hate even allowing myself to think about Bob not being at band concerts, award ceremonies, fishing openers or driving lessons. I can only take it as it is today. Today, your plate is full. Worrying about tomorrow will just overflow it.

Take care of yourself as best you can. And thank you for showing us (Kay, this goes for you, too) that even when life is totally not fair, you still have the capacity to keep on caring.

Kath

[moparlicious]

Here is a song that truly reminds me of life and for all of you, I hope this song touches your heart as it has mine. Love, Kim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g7nlpNTPwE

[moparlicious]

Thank you for all your wonderful responses and support. I am happy to report my father is off the ventilator and he is breathing on his own, with oxygen. He still in ICU, but I am facing this and all the emotions , baby steps. Thanks guys, and I truly love you all so much, you are the best people ever. Love, Kim

[kayc]

Kim,

I hope you had a good mother's day! Let us know how your dad is doing...

Kay