Too Much Pain And Loss

[partner]

Hi everyone: It's been an extremely hard few weeks and Mother's Day wasn't any better. I have called my son and daughter-in-law twice in the past week asking if i can see my grandson's and haven't gotten any response. A couple of nights ago i was in the store where she works so i decided to apologize for my part in yelling at her on the phone. She thanked me and i said that i would like to see the boys as i hadn't seen them in awhile. She said of course i would see them so i left it at that. I still haven't heard from her as to when that will be. She had told me before that she would never use the boys against me but i guess my unreturned calls say different. I am going in a downward spiral as time goes on and losing them makes everything worse. I miss them so much especially my 3 year old grandson. It seems that my son has chosen not to have a relationship with me and while i know that i can do nothing about this, my emotions are at there lowest right now. The pain of losing my husband is enormous, going through this game of theirs with the grandsons is compounding it. I tried one last time today and called asking to please see the boys, and almost begging them not to keep them from me. As i said before my daughter-in-law thrives on having the power in situations and it seems will get her way this time too. I can only imagine what she has told my 3 year old grandson when he asks about seeing me. My head keeps spinning and my emotions are raw. I don't know what else to do. I have lost so much, why this also? It's so hard being here and i wonder what's the point. God didn't help my husband, now he won't help me either. Last week was the closest i've come to wanting to stop being here and all i feel is pain. Being with my husband would be so peaceful and my pain and hurting would stop. I don't know how to cope with the loss of my grandsons, i miss them so much. All i have done for the past 2 days is drive until i'm exhausted. At times i'm crying so hard i shouldn't even be driving. I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when i think i can't hit any lower, something else happens and i do. I'm sure i'm not the only person who has gone through so many losses. If anybody has anything that might help me get through this i would really appreciate it.

[fred]

I am sorry to hear of all of your losses and especially this horrible game your son and his wife are playing. While I wish I had some advice that would help ease this situation quickly, all I can offer are prayers and virtual hugs((())). We all know here how it is impossible for those outside of our situation to understand what we are feeling and going through, We still hope they will never have to experience this pain themselves. Perhaps in time they will understand. You would think that especially on Mother´s day they would make an effort, but you already seem to know your daughter-in-law quite well. There will soon be a time when they need something from you; to watch the children, or something like that and then you will know your prayers were heard and things will get better. For now try to be extra good to yourself and get as much rest as you can. This is a very difficult time and this added stress will not help. Just do the best you can and things will change. (((Hugs))) and prayers

[mrspapajohn]

Partner - - I am so sorry for your loss and for the way you are being treated by your daughter-in-law. It just doesn't seem right. Your grandchildren would provide at least some measure of comfort. Everything passes, even anger, so I'm sure that things will change. Is there a reason that you cannot contact your son directly?

As for thinking it would be easier to be with your husband, I can absolutely identify with that. Sometimes I wonder how I have any tears left. When I visit my husband's grave, all I want to do is lie down beside him and just stay there. Life is very difficult and even more so without the one person you love and who loved you back. But, I know that is not what my husband would want for me, and your husband would not want that for you. One thing is for sure, everything changes and everything passes. Even this darkness and this sadness. We may never be the same, but we will be better than we are now. I think about how hard my husband fought for life, and I know that I could not just throw away something that he found so precious. None of us know what the future holds for us, but we do have a future.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking about you and praying that things get better.

Kathy

[Boo Mayhew]

Partner

I just wanted to share with you a note that one of my oldest friends sent me when Cliff died. I am pasting it below and hope that it will give you some comfort, as it did me.

let me say something, even though it is such early days - I promise you that his light is still there, it is only that you are in such darkness now that you may not be able to see it for awhile...but you will, someday, and it will be a comfort. For now, though, darkness will prevail.

The friend who sent me those words had previously lost her 2 year old son, so in my humble opinion, "knows what she's talking about".

I really can't comment on your son's behaviour. It just stuns me that family can attack its own when they are at their lowest. I'm so sorry that they are behaving like this - it's not fair. Have you got a brother who could approach them? Or another son who could tackle the issue on your behalf?

By the way, my counsellor told me that it IS quite normal to feel that you want to join your husband (so long as it's passive ... i.e. you want death to happen TO you, as opposed to doing anything actively about it). You are welcome to read my blog entry on my darkest hours:

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/deep-dark-place.html

Wishing you strength,

xxxx

[kayc]

Partner,

I am sorry you are going through such a compound situation, I wish I had some answers, but all I can offer you is a listening ear and (((hugs))). I hope something turns around for you soon and will pray that your son and daughter-in-law realize the importance of keeping in touch with you, especially for the grandchildren's sakes.

Kay

[LostnEmpty]

Partner,

I am sorry you have to deal with such inconsiderate family. It is so horrible that they will not let you see your grandsons or give you support in your time of need. They sound like very selfish people. I also have to deal with selfish people in my boyfriend's family. Even when he was alive all they wanted from him was money and nothing has changed since his death. They keep on bugging me to pay for everything that has to do with his funeral since he left me money even though I have already paid a big chunk of it. Marc had left me the money so i can provide for our child i am going to be giving birth to next month and it hurts that none of them care about that. I know how it is to have to deal with family that doesn't care. Even though are specific situtations are different we are still dealing with family issues on top of the deaths of our loves.

I also know all to well what it is like to want to just leave this earth and go be with him. I still feel that way everyday but know i cannot act on those feelings for i have Marc's baby to take care of and for me she is the only reason i am still here today and will continue to push through life. You also have a reason to continue on and that is your grandsons. i hope your family soon realizes how insensitive they are being so you can have the relationship that you want and need with those children- they will help you in your time of loneliness and sadness. Maybe you can write your son a letter if you cannot get a hold of him any other way and explain what you are feeling and that keeping his children form you is only making matters worse for you. i don't know what else to suggest and am sorry i cannot be more of assistance. I really hope things work out for you and you get to see those boys. Just keep on trying for your grandsons and for your husband-I know he would want you to.