Can't Believe She's Gone...

[tobi234]

I just recently lost my mother on April 6, 2009. She was only 59 years old and as far as we knew, healthy. My younger sister and I hadn't spoke to her in a few days and we became concerned. My sister and her boyfriend went to mom's apartment on April 8th, and he found her dead on her bathroom floor. An autopsy was performed, but didn't give us any answers. They said there were no "physical findings", and now we have to wait up to 9 months for all of the other tests to come back and to get the final report. The worst of it is that we were not even able to see her because of the state of her body. It's absolutely heartbreaking to lose someone, especially your mother, but to know that she died alone and found like that is killing me. Not knowing what happened is even worse.

This is the third death in our small family. Our dad passed away 3 years ago from cancer, our grandmother 2 years ago, and now mom. Our mom was an only child, so there is no family left on that side that we are close to. My sister and I are 10 years apart, I am the oldest. I feel so lonely. My sister is the only one who really understands how I feel, but I feel I cannot share all of my feelings with her for fear of upsetting her.

It's been very difficult for me, even worse than when our other family members passed away. We were so close to our mother. I am the oldest and had to make all of the funeral arrangements and take care of everything. It was horrible having to go through her apartment and go through her things and packing everything up. I am 33 years old and feel like an orphan.

[Tonyia]

I am so sorry this happened to you *hugs*

I am 35 and have also lost my mother and father, I have a sister who is 10 yrs older than I am so I am the baby. We also have no family left and lost our brother when he was 3 yrs old.

I hate that you have to feel this pain I am still trying to get a grip on my pain and it's been 2 yrs since my mother passed and I was very close to her as you were yours, we were best friends. I just joined here recently in hopes someone would be here to listen and answer my questions because I feel there is no one to talk to about this. I am so sorry you feel so lonely, that is the worst part of it all and I wish I could fix this horrible place you are in.

I will be here to listen and try and help if you need me to, I don't want you to feel so lonely.

*hugs:

Tonyia

[cubby]

First let me say that I am sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to lose your mom no matter how old you are. I lost my mom in Nov, and I am 49. I have a brother who is seven years younger. I hope that by posting here that you will get some comfort and understanding. I know that it has helpe me to just "vent" on here and get my thoughts out. You know it may be upsetting to your sister that you are holding back your feelings. I know that I felt that my brother was holding back and it bothered me that he wouldn't share his feelings with me. We have talked and he is opening up. I have to remember that we all grieve differentl, so don't be judgemental of each other just try to be supportive. It may surprise you that your sister wants to be supportive of you, because you are older and have taken on most of the responsibility for making arrangements. Your sister is probably at a loss at how to comfort you but it can be very relieving to "comfort" each other. You may want to check and see if there are any grief support groups in your area. I have been attending one for the last couple of mionths and it has helped. Take care of yourself and take your time going through your mom's things. Don't throw out anything in haste. I hope your days will bring a little more happiness as time passes.

Cubby

[tobi234]

Thanks for your responses. I'm glad I found this forum, I think it will help me cope. Being able to talk to other people who can relate to what I'm going through will be a huge comfort. I think I will look into finding a councellor or someone to talk to. I haven't in the past, but I think this may be a little too much for me to handle on my own.

I've been on a crazy ride of emotions.... it's hard to handle at times. I seem to be fine one day and miserable the next. I just really miss my mom. Life throws all kinds of crazy things at you, and she was the one who I've always been able to go to in times of need. Now she is not here when I need her the most I just can't believe she's gone!

With my father having cancer, it was horrible, but we had time to process what was eventually going to happen - even though I think I was in denial. We were able to be with him when he died. He has been gone 3 years on May 29th. When my Grammie passed away 2 years ago in April 2007 (we were very close - she was like my second mother), it was unexpected, but we were also there during her last moments. She was 87 and had a good life, and was ready to go. I've made peace with that, though I still miss her terribly.

Mom had always said that it was good that Grammie died the way she did, quickly with no suffering and surrounded by her family. She was very independant and still able to get around on her own quite well, but it had always been a fear of ours that we would come home one day and find her dead.... we would never have known her last moments and she would have died alone. Now, ironically, my mother's biggest fear has become my reality. I will never know her last moments and she died all alone. Even worse she was there for 2 days without us knowing. I wasn't able to see her and have the chance to say goodbye. I have a vivid imagination and can't get those images out of my head.

I feel so empty and heartbroken..... and confused. I have so many questions that need to be answered, and the reality is that they may never be answered. Why did this happen to us again? Why Why Why?????

[MartyT]

Dear One,

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother and the mysterious way she died ~ It doesn't get much worse than this, and your longing for answers is certainly understandable. I applaud your willingness to seek some sort of face-to-face grief counseling, so you'll have someone with whom you can express and work through all your reactions to this ~ and of course you are always most welcome here. We will walk beside you on this journey, and you are not alone . . .

[Chai]

Dear friend,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. The loneliness can sneak up on you sometimes. We are here for you, to hold your hands, to hug, to cry with you. Please understand that you are not alone. I wish the best for you and your family, and that you can come to some moment where it feels right and good to share with and comfort your sister. I think that a natural moment will come, when you can cross whatever boundaries are there, and take comfort in each other.

Keep coming here and posting; it is a super supportive community.

((((HUGS))),

take care,

Chai

[tobi234]

Thank you again for responding. I am still having a hard time, though I am having more better days than I had been. This past week was hard..... it was the 3rd anniversary of my father's death on May 29th. I went to the cemetary and just had a good cry. I am comforted to think that they are together again now though, in a weird sort of way it makes me feel better.

I find that lately I am more angry than sad..... angry that my life has turned out this way..... self pity - why did this happen to me??? Angry at my mother for leaving, angry that she died the way she did. Angry that we have no answers. I know this is all a normal of the grieving process but sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! On good days I feel like the old "me" again for a little bit - which is good, but then something will remind me and it smacks me in the head all over again.

I wish people would be more understanding - it's almost like they feel I should be over this already, and it hasn't even been 2 months yet. I am very grateful for the friends who have been by my side through all of this and who cry and hurt right along with me.... I've needed their support more than they know. Then on the other hand I am hurt by people (1 person in particular who is suppose to be one of my good friends) who hasn't been there for me at all. She did come to the funeral, but didn't come to the wake or to see me at home. In fact the last time I saw her was at the funeral. I've only spoken to her twice since April 14th. She sent me an email apoligizing that she's been so busy, but I don't buy it. This is someone who I've known for 16 years and have been there for many times when she needed me. It feels like a slap in the face.... I though our friendship meant more to her than that. I don't know if I can ever forgive her. I feel as though she abandoned me when I needed her most.

[cubby]

Tobi, your friend may be struggling with how to help you. I've noticed that some of my friends avoid talking about my mother's death. Its as if they are uncomfortable dealing with the grief. Your friend may be uncomfortable or unsure how to help you. My mom passed away 6 months ago and I can tell you that everyone in my family has dealt with it differently. It has been a struggle for me each day. My family "appears" to be over it, but I know they also have their moments of sadness and feelings of grief. Hang in there. Don't judge your friends as I'm sure they will come back around. It is difficult to know how to help your friends especially if you've never had to grieve for a close family member before. Maybe you should call your friend and let them know how they can help you. They may need guidance as how to help you.

Cubby

[MartyT]

Good point, Cubby ~ and Tobi, you might find this article helpful: I Don't Care How Long It's Been ~ Can We Talk about My Loved One? http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=1315