Time

[fred]

Some of you are new here, many have been here a while and a few for years. We all have experienced, or you may yet share, in the same feelings and trials common to all of us that have lost our spouses. The journeys are often so similar we realize instantly when others know exactly what we are talking about, and we draw comfort in knowing we are not alone; in knowing that someone has walked this path before and is still here to tell about it. We have, or you will, hear the common myths the outsiders think will comfort us: time heals all wounds, the first year is the hardest, I know just how you feel (when obviously they don´t), you´ll get over it, it´s a good thing you´re young, and on and on. But what is it that gets us through? When does it get better? How long does it take? There are no set answers. Just as you, your loved one, your relationship, your situation are all uniquely different from everyone elses; so your journey will be just a little different than someone else´s. There are many things we will have in common; but the place in our grief, the time that these milestones occur may be different for all. And then there are those things you should try to do to keep this from being any harder than it has to be. Don´t fight against your grief, don´t try to force your way ahead, to pretend that there is some way of avoiding any of what you will have to go through. Take care of yourself; try to eat when you should, not just when you feel like it, try to rest as much as possible, accept as much help as is offered and be open about your feelings, do what you can when you can and don´t beat up on yourself if you don´t measure up to anyone´s standards (including your own). Your loss is not something most people can relate to. If you find someone that can and is willing to help you through, great, if not we are all here and we do know what it is like.

I started this thread because I realized today that there is so much that we need to work through in our grief, that we will not begin to heal until our bodies, and minds, have recovered from the side effects of our loss. For me, that means trying to make up for almost eighteen months with very little sleep. I lost twenty-five pounds and struggled with a mind that couldn´t work through a relatively simple task or remember what it was I wanted to do three minutes ago. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks and God knows what else aren´t things we bounce back from like a bad cold. There are reminders and pitfalls we will endure as we try to begin to assemble a new life. What I realized is that there are so many things in grief that we have never experienced before, that it is not until we have been able to deal with all of them that we even start to heal. Even the beginning of the healing stages are a roller coaster ride that tosses you back into the midst of your grief. You will need to climb out of the pit, or find your way through the forest over and over again until you know how to do it without being overwhelmed by the pain and shock of finding yourself set way back, or even sent back to the very beginning, before your grief begins to subside.

But there is hope. There is strength in knowing that others have done it. Take comfort in one another and in the love you can draw from knowing that you know love, and what it means to love and to be loved; and that someone cares for you as much as that very special person you hold in your heart. You can do this. And you will.

Love, (((Hugs))) and Prayers for all that walk this road

[mrspapajohn]

Fred - - I just want to thank you for your post. It came at a time when I really needed to be reminded that this terrible grief is a journey that I must take and that sometimes I will feel that I am starting from the beginning. All that raw pain overwhelming me again. But, like you, I know that this will pass. It will never go away, but it will get better.

Kathy

[Boo Mayhew]

For once I have very few words ... what a great post.

x

[valley]

Fred,

Thank you for your post. I totally agree that "there are no set answers", but I admit for a brief time I was looking for them. I thought I could not survive the daily pain and wanted an activity, a philosophy, something.....to save me.

I think now I have surrendered to my grief. I am allowing myself to take the time to really feel what I feel and I have the luxury of being able to do that. I do not have a job I have to be "up" for, or small children that need my care. I can be confused or not sleep at night. I am not looking for answers, but just to walk the path I need to walk through my own grieving. Reading the posts on this site does help me, makes me feel communion with others.

Take care, Valley

[kayc]

Fred,

I think this post reminds me why I consider you such a dear person. I have been double-grieving it seems lately, and one of the things I've encountered since John and I split up is people discounting my feelings by saying "you just need to move on", "get over him, he's not worth your time", etc. I found a lot more understanding from people when I was mourning George than I did mourning John, yet the truth is, we grieve the loss no matter what the cause. Your summation of the grief experience is simple but good...it takes us time, our OWN timetable, and it's so important to acknowledge and let others know that.

Thank you for sharing with us...

Kay

[marsha]

Fred - a wonderful post, and you've clarified what I've been trying to struggle with for almost 11 months. Healing is like grieving - it's got to be done in baby steps. I've found I'm healing and grieving, all at the same time. I didn't realize this until I looked back to where I was, and to where I am. And I continue to take steps forward and back, in both. You are truly a dear man! Hugs, Marsha

[Lucia Abeytia]

Fred thank you,this helped me realize that i am not on a timetable i can take my time with my grieving again Thank you Lucia

[fred]

Thank you, all. Sharing is why we are here.

[KathyG]

Oh, Fred, thank you so much for your beautiful post. It's exactly what I need right now.

I haven't posted here in several months because I felt I needed to spend more energy moving forward and less energy grieving. And my strategy seemed to be working. I found myself having less trouble keeping focused on my work, and now I feel closer than ever to the way I was able to work "before." I've been getting more sleep, and building stronger ties to friends and family. And I became a hospice volunteer; in four months, I've developed a great, rewarding friendship with a homebound patient I visit regularly.

But (you knew there had to be a "but" in there somewhere), May 21st was the 18-month anniversary of my husband's death, and May 27th would have been his 60th birthday. Because of this, for the past 5 weeks, I've been an emotional mess, crying constantly and feeling hopeless. The emptiness and pain feel as strong again as they were in the first weeks after Bill died. And I've regained some of the extra weight I lost before and right after Bill died, which is eating away at my self-esteem.

Your reminder that grief work never ends and backslides are normal is so wise and reassuring. As you described, our journeys will continue (and won't always be moving straight ahead) for the rest of our lives. Your words have made me stronger and rekindled my determination not to give up. Thank you!

[fred]

Kathy,

Glad to hear you are progressing and making the effort to keep up your health and spirits. I think you have found some of the keys to healing and, as you mentioned in your latest thread, you can now see some of the triggers to the difficult times. My only concern is your work as a hospice volunteer. I hope that it is not too soon for this type of effort; knowing ahead of time the final outcome and that you most likely will spiral well back into your own personal grief. I do hope that this will not be the case. Maybe Marty or one of the other much more experienced members here can address that.

Love, (((Hugs))) and prayers