Loss Of Wife

[yousha]

It is amazing that I continue to experience a great sense of loss after losing my wife almost 10 years ago. I believe this has been intensified by losing my beloved sister a bit over two years ago. I experience various aches and pains as well insomnia. I do have real medical issues as well but I do believe my medical problems are embolden by my grief.

[mrspapajohn]

Yousha - - I am very sorry about the loss of your wife and your sister. I believe that one never gets over losing someone they love. There is always the grief. Time just makes it tolerable. I lost my mother four years ago and then lost my husband, Stephen, almost five months ago. Losing Stephen made all the pain I felt when my mother died come rushing back. It was like a double whammy. The person who once gave me the most comfort, my mother, was not there when I needed her most. Perhaps the death of your sister, without your wife to comfort you, gave you similar feelings. I still can't sleep without a sleeping pill, so yes, I do believe that your grief may contribute to your physical ailments. I can only advise you to try to take care of yourself, be easy and kind to yourself, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every one on this site is going through the same hard journey through grief that you are. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. I will be thinking of you. Take care.

Kathy

[yousha]

Thank you Kathy! I will be joining a grief group shortly and I expect it to help me. I believe that talking or speaking to one's feelings of loss would be therapeutic. Thanks, again!

[mlg]

Yes, this group and others like it, plus face to face grief support groups are some of the few places you can go and be yourself. Nobody else wants to hear how we really feel. They just want us to put on a happy face and go on. Like the huge holes in our heart aren't there every minute of every day.

It has all come rushing back tonight because I went to my grandson's "commencement" from 5th grade. Just another milestone that Tom missed. This was the thing he hated the most - the things like this that he would miss.

[mrspapajohn]

Mary Linda - - I can only imagine how hard it must have been to go to your grandsons graduation alone. I remember in the letter that Stephen wrote to the family who donated the liver he received. He could not thank them enough because now, he believed, he could be present for all the milestones in his grandson's life. How unfair that both our husbands got cheated of those special joys. You are in my heart.

Kathy

[yousha]

The issue for me is the emptiness I feel that no amount of support appears able to fulfill. I sort of look about and imagine myself and my deceased wife taking part in the activity of the day but then reality sets in and the loneliness sets in. Ten years of existence without my wife leaves me empty and angry and envious of what might have been. Guilt pervades because I could have been more involved with my wife. I took her for granted and feel retribution for it.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Yousha

I can see that you're online at the moment ... it sounds like you've been carrying a lot of guilt with you for ten years. I know that it is a natural part of the grieving process or journey. But I wonder if 10 years of guilt is bearable? Have you considered counselling? I have and it has helped me enormously. I'm sorry that you are going through this heartache.

[yousha]

I have tried individual counseling with minimal effectiveness. Yes, guilt is disabling. In the beginning, I was able to manage by working at my profession. Since retiring, hobbies (minimal) do little for me. My thoughts remain self defeating. I will try a group shortly and see whether it could be helpful. Wish me luck.

[kayc]

Yousha,

I'm sorry you carry this grief and emptiness around with you. You are right, it does help to express it, to get your feelings out, at least it has me.

A great many of us have experienced and dealt with guilt issues, both real and irrational. Guilt has a purpose in our lives, that is to bring attention to needed change. Once the issue has been dealt with and we have learned from it, it no longer serves any purpose but turns to shame. Shame is not beneficial and we need to learn to let go of it, it holds us down and keeps us from being all we could be. So guilt can have a positive affect, whereas shame has a negative affect. I think our spouses knew that we loved them, and it's only natural for us to not realize that we are going to lose them (what we consider prematurely)...we live in the temporal world, whereas passing on is of the eternal world.

I hope with you that a group will be beneficial to you. You are welcome to come here and be a part of our site here, this is like a family here, we all help each other through it and there is no timeline on grieving, it is our own unique experience.

Kay

[yousha]

Thank you, Kay! I will continue with this site regardless!

[yousha]

Unfortunately, I have been grieving for almost 10 years without coming to terms with my wife's passing. My feeling is that one adjusts to the passing which permits one to continue with life's chores or demands but for me, I have to struggle each day and the process of acceptance remains unresolved.

[kayc]

Yousha,

Everyone has a different grief journey. Some continue to struggle while others adapt, who can say why this is. I believe you said you'd tried counseling, to no avail...normally I would recommend that, if you've tried it and still gotten nowhere, maybe try another counselor. Ten years is a long time to go like this. Is there something that you know of that is prohibiting your acceptance? Are you holding resentment for her being taken? Is there anything else standing in the way? I don't know...I can only point you to ask the questions of yourself and get answers maybe from an expert. We are all sympathetic, and you are not alone. For myself, the missing will continue the rest of my life, the love will always be there, but I have accepted that he is gone, that I have no answers as to the why, but have accepted that it is so. In the beginning, of course, I could not accept that, I felt in doing so would be to say it was okay with me. It is not that it is okay, it is that I accept what I do not understand and cannot change and focus my energies on learning, growing, and trying to figure out how to live without him. I hope you find some answers within yourself to facilitate your much needed relief from this agony.

[MartyT]

Yousha, I too am pleased to learn of your plans to participate in a face-to-face support group ~ in addition to your membership in this warm and caring group, of course. Please know that it is never too late to do the work of mourning . . .

[yousha]

Thank you, Marty!