Happy And Sad

[JeanneC]

Hi Everyone:

I need a little help with this one. I don't know if I am a good person or bad person having these feelings.

A friend of Alex has Hep-C. The cause was of his own doing (intravenous drug use). He wound up with a bad liver. His wife was able to give him part of her liver and he seemed to have responded very well to that. But a couple of years ago his body rejected the liver. Around the same time that Alex got sick, his friend was diagnosed with needing another liver. He progressively got worse and was bed ridden. I don't know much about the disease, but he at times would be incoherent and would not recognize anyone. He eventually was able to be put on another liver donor list. I was just told by another friend that he got the call two weeks ago for another liver. We probably won't find out the outcome for awhile.

Now, Alex's year anniversary is at the end of the month and all of these emotions started coming forth from me. I started having these mixted emotions about his friend and some weren't so nice. I was happy for him, but I was also resentful in that why could it not have been Alex to have some miracle happen. I know this is not a good thing the way I am feeling. I don't begrudge anyone from good health, fortune or anything good that comes their way. It's almost like that saying: Misery loves company". But this is not the kind of person I am and I definitely don't want to be that person.

Please tell me if these feeling I am having are normal.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[LarrysGirl]

Jeanne, I think you are only human and these feelings would be natural. I've gone thru this very thing recently. As you all know Larry waited over four years for a liver but it never came, he was only 49. Recently in our area a well respected police officer was needing a liver and was also very ill. The community rallied behind him, the newspapers, local television and he indeed did receive one. I haven't heard lately how he is but seemed to be recovering. Of course, I am happy for someone to get the desperately needed organ and their life be saved. I was so happy for his wife, not to suffer like myself. I even wrote a letter in the newspaper to promote organ donation and to wish this family well. Did I wish it was Larry?? YES! Do I wish our outcome was one of happiness and celebration??? YES It was hard to watch this unfold in our area and not wish with all my heart that we had had that chance. Please don't feel bad about these feelings, Deborah

[kayc]

For where you are at in your stage of grieving, I would say your feelings are normal. I would only add to be careful not to express those feelings to anyone whereby it could get back to him. Act in good faith, letting him know you are happy for them that things turned out so well for them. In actuality, you don't resent his good fortune, but rather begrudge you and your husband's misfortune. None of us know why things happen as they do. We've all known cantankerous people that live, and wonderful people who have died and we've asked ourselves this question...I don't recall getting any great answers from God except that He alone knows why He allows how He does. I only know that in time I was able to accept it, but it did take time.

[JeanneC]

Deborah and Kay

Thank you very much for your advice.

Kay - I definitely will act in good faith. Nobody, except this group, knows my feelings. In fact, I happen to really like this person. He was one of Alex's first friends that he introduced me to when we were first dating.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[MartyT]

Jeanne, dear ~ this is precisely why I so often say that feelings are neither good or bad, right or wrong ~ they just are. Sometimes what we feel is completely irrational and may not make any sense at all ~ but we still feel the way we do. Besides, feeling sad about your own misfortune does not mean that you would wish the same misfortune upon another, and it certainly does not mean that you are a "bad person!" What matters is not how you feel, but what you do with what you're feeling. In other words, judge yourself by your behavior, and not by your feelings. You were brave enough to disclose to us how you are feeling in this particular circumstance ~ and in so doing, you're only letting us know that you are human. None of us is perfect, and I'm sure most (if not all) of us would feel exactly the same way you do if we were in your shoes.

[Boo Mayhew]

Jeanne, I am not at all proud to admit that I harbour similar feelings of resentment toward my neighbour who is an alcoholic and is in recovery right now. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her for her selfishness and how badly she has hurt her husband and kids, how scared they were when she almost died recently. When she got drunk recently I didn't even trust myself to speak to her, so I didn't.

Then I remember that I am priveleged ... that my parents and Cliff gave me a very strong foundation on which to build along this scarey journey ... and she is not blessed with the same gift. We are all different and some of us are stronger than others.

But I know exactly what you are saying. Thank goodness we have this board to sound off in!