Parenting Alone

[kath]

I had one of those days where I just yelled at my kids most of the day and doled out punishments. Of course, to them I'm overereacting, and I have to agree. As I thought about what it was that angered me today, it is having to do all this alone. The kids' appointments, dealing with doctors, dentists, orthodontists, eye doctors, baseball, scouts, camps, shopping, car maintenance, a broken washing machine, a broken door, a broken DVD player, lawn care, working, housekeeping and the new dog are just overwhelming me (again.) I'm sorry, I know this is my recurring theme. I just want to scream at the top of my voice that I did not sign up to do this all alone. I spent time at the cemetery crying because it is just too hard. I missed my nieces graduation party because I couldn't take on even one more thing. I want to crawl into bed and disappear and I don't even get a chance to sleep past 5 am.

I need a massage, a haircut, time away, someone that thinks I'm special.

I need Bob.

Kath

[mlg]

Wish I could help, but my arms aren't long enough to reach to MN, don't think you'd want me to give you a haircut and I can't bring Bob back (but I'd sure like to). All I can do is be here for you as well as the rest of the people on this site. Know for sure that we are here to support you.

Do you have another parent that you can split the drives with to sports and scouts at least. If you just had to take one way or every other time maybe it would help.

Hang in there kiddo.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Kath

I am struggling to cope WITHOUT bringing up kids. Dealing with my dogs is enough pressure! Sometimes I feel like I am not giving them enough of my time and that they deserve better.

On the other hand, I mourn the fact that I couldn't have Cliff's children ...

You have every right to freak out and to over-react ... at least you are coming here to vent. Keep doing that as we all care and understand how you feel and how much you miss Bob.

If your family agrees, perhaps ask them not to buy you gifts for Christmas and/or your birthday this year, but for one of them (whose company you enjoy) to take you for a spa weekend - just the two of you. My big sister is taking me to Italy for a weekend, all expenses paid ... and that my friends is the beauty of being the baby of the family ;-)

I like the idea of car-pooling - is that an option?

BTW, I just wanted to say that I have been meaning to tell you that your "signature" (the Eskimo legend about stars) is so beautiful, I really love it and it has helped me to look at the night sky on my own xx

[kayc]

Kath,

Wow, that could have been written by me except I don't even have young children at home. It's enough that the roof is coming off my garage, my truck is broke down (has been for a few weeks so I can't even drive the dogs anywhere), the screens need replacing on the house, the house and rails need painted, the weedwhacker needs fixed and then used extensively, on and on and on. I can't afford the time or the $ that everything needs from me. And to top it off my puppy ate my couch and has started in on my carpet, neither of which I can afford to replace either! It can get overwhelming sometimes. I know of no other guy, besides George, who felt so comfortable with me and so caring to partner in life with me to handle all these kinds of things, and still had time left over for an occasional back or foot rub, and always, always, the beautiful smile and love. I've had a little more time than you have to get used to the idea that I'm alone, truly alone, and have been since George died four years ago. I tried incorporating someone else into my life and that didn't work out, so for now, I'll just wing it alone, and maybe I'll die an old spinster with my place falling apart around me. There never seems to be enough of me to go around, it seems there is more work around a place than one person can do...I don't want to leave my place so I reckon I'll stay in it as long as I can and maybe someday I'll switch to a smaller place that's easier to handle...but for now, I want my animals and my place among nature and I'll hang in there as long as I can.

Do you have anyone in your family that can step in and help? A sister or anyone that can take the kids once in a while or a friend to help with yard work? I know, everyone is always so busy trying to keep up with their own plate, it's hard to get help...

Well you always have us to vent to...we're going through the same stuff, pretty much, and we care...I just wish we could do more than send you these (((hugs)))!

Love,

Kay

[kath]

Thank you, my friends. I know it is not easy for any of us and I'm sorry we are all in this boat together.

Mary Linda, I don't have any help from my family and when I have asked in the past, they are busy with their own thing, so I've learned to just grin and bear it. Then there are days, like yesterday, that I don't do the grin thing, but I know I still have to bear it. Mike's coach is his best friends' dad and he picked Mike for his team just so he could help get him to practice, etc. That has been a huge blessing because most days I'm not even home from work by the time he needs to be at the field. I think the guilt of not being able to be in more than one place gets to me at times, ridiculous as that is.

I, too, am hangin' on to my home as best I can and worry that it will be too trashed to sell when the time comes. Most little repairs I have learned to do myself, but I don't seem to have the strength that I used to have. Thanks for lettimg me vent. It would drive Bob crazy when I would vent and he couldn't "fix" whatever was bothering me. I don't think there is anything that can be fixed here, but just having your moral support means the world to me. Today was better than yesterday and nothing has really changed, except it is a new day.

I'm the oldest of five girls, Boo, and don't have any offers to go to Italy, or even N. Dakota for that matter, from my sisters. It's okay. I'll keep plugging along. Mike will be gone to Scout camp next week, so it should be somewhat easier. I had a lot of time off while unemployed and it gave me the time I needed to do things I needed to do. I was pretty selfish with my time, going to different groups and being with other people, resting, reading, sewing, painting, etc. While I am really lucky to have the job I have, it is exhausting to me and I have lost all "me" time. I've never been good at finding a balance, it has to be all or nothing.

Kay, I wish we could have a puppy party. Mine is going to town eating my carpet and the sheetrock. She's already 28 pounds at 4 months and a bundle of energy. Like you, I'm glad she's here, but it takes a lot of effort to let go of what I thought my home should look like!

Love you all,

Kath

[kath]

Out of the muck...

One of Mike's baseball dad's came and looked at the pool I set up for the kids. He found the leak I couldn't see and patched it up. Seems to be holding air, so I won't have to drain the 3500 gallons of water I just put in it (or worry about it collapsing and flooding my home.) Then, I called the eye doctor and they are going to replace the lenses the dog ate under the scratch warranty, (I thought this was quite a stretch, but it was her idea, not mine.)

Bob's family is having a get together today, but neglected to tell me the time or place. I called and asked it they had set anything up, because we talked about it last month. I "jokingly" asked if they even wanted us to come, and it set them in a tailspin. My kids are starting to see how both families seem to exclude me from things and are hoping they don't do that to them. I started to wonder if it was only Bob they liked and not me at all.

I spent a good amount of time this morning thinking about all I've come through. There have been many times I didn't think it would be possible, yet I'm still here. We are not here by accident, my friends. People are put in our paths for a reason. Thank you for being part of my journey. I know I wouldn't be here without you.

Kath

[Boo Mayhew]

Kath, that made the hairs on my arms stand up!

I too feel that I was "meant to" find the HOV site ... and I will be forever grateful for the help that it and everyone on here gives me.

[moparlicious]

Kath,

just want to let you know you are not alone and I am sorry for the late reply but I have not been on in quite some time. I am also a single parent, although my children were almost 16, 18, and 19 and the time of their fathers death, it has not been easy for me either. My children have multiple illnesses which keep me busy. 2 out of our 3 have chronic illnesses and it is so tough. It will be 2 years in August since my beloved Dan has left this earth. He was 41 years old and we were married for 20 years and together for 24, we were high school sweethearts. Some days just seem overwhelming and life seems so unfair. I miss Dan with every ounce of my being and I always will. We have our wonderful children from our beloved husband, what a wonderful gift. You have been such a dear friend to me and I appreciate that. I read your updated post and hope things continue the way they are for you. I wish you much peace, love and compassion. Love you. Love your friend, Kim

[kayc]

Kath,

It sounds like your puppy would be a good contender for mine in Marley and Me's line "worst dog ever!" I just can't say that about my dog though, even though he's now eaten my loveseat (including the massage wiring), carpet, quilt, leg on rocking chair, two pairs of slippers, 3 dogbeds, countless toys and knicknacks, baskets, book, my favorite dress, my son's new shoes, the bottom of his food dish even! He even started on his own doghouse that I contracted someone to build for him...nothing seems to be off limits. He's eaten all the food when I've had guests over...sometimes I wonder what I should do with him...people (people who've never had a dog like this) say "you need to do this" or "you need to do that" but they don't realize, I'm really not a novice to this, I've owned dogs all my life...just not one like this! Nevertheless, he's wonderful company, and has the best personality of any dog I've owned (barring misbehavior). Maybe his purpose in life is to keep me too busy to "think"!

I want to wish you and all of the other single parenters a Happy Father's Day! There are many of you trying to fill the role of both Mother and Father, and I know it's tough. Try to take comfort that our loved one is cheering us on in all that we do. You are doing a good job, so is Kim, I know this is hard.

I love you both,

Kay

Oh yeah, I forgot about the ruined pickup windows...

[gatorman]

I thought I had problems. I married late in life because I was looking for the one woman I could give my heart to unconditionally. I found her. A week before the wedding my "son in law" moved in to our house with the three kids. Then it goes on from there. Lost my wife 3 1/2 months ago suddenly. As we all know this journey sucks and we all want to howl at the moon. Got a call at 11pm and it was my transplanted grandkids wishing me a happy fathers day. Closest I have come to being happy in a long time. When I think back and look at the carpet, torn patio screen, dents in the walls, etc... I know that it was worth it. Hang in there and as everyone else has said please share with us. I pray that we can be here for you.