Depression

[NotCoping]

I haven't been posting a lot because I often don't know what to say. I'm really depressed and have been since I returned from N.M. - maybe before then. I don't know what is going on half the time because I'm having what I believe to be panic attacks about every three days. I don't know what triggers them.

Perhaps my inner ear problem while on my trip has made me ultra sensitive, but when these "attacks" start, my hearing changes. Actually, it's as if the sound in the room (tone) changes. Then, my heart speeds up and I have to keep walking around the house because I feel if I sit or lay down, I'll pass out. I know it makes no sense. Has anyone else experienced this, and are they indeed some sort of panic attacks.

I do continue to read the posts here, and while I feel so horrible for all of us, it does help me to know I'm not alone with this, and that there are people out there who know what this horror is like. I don't feel that others understand at all who haven't been through it.

It will be seven months for me on Wednesday and it feels like yesterday that I lost the love of my life. When I look back at the last few months, it feels I've done nothing but cry, but when I break it down, I have done some things including my trip to N.M. I planted a garden even though it was painful. My husband always planted a garden, and I did it this year because I felt that I was somehow letting him down if I didn't. I also recently enrolled in an online course to get my A+ certification since I need a real job to make ends meet. It's not easy to concentrate, but I force myself to get through the lessons.

I've also made a lot of mistakes because I made big decisions without having a clear mind. Perhaps the biggest mistake was renting out my basement apartment because I needed the income. I did that in April. The renter moved out last week. Now, I don't know if I'm making a mistake or not by renting it again to someone different, but I sure can use the $$ while I'm getting certified.

I'm still going through the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. My husband thought I was the best wife a person could have, but I look back and I just don't know that I was especially in the last few weeks of his life. Things were so stressful, and I was so scared that I fussed at him for trying to do things I didn't think he should be attempting. I should never have fussed about anything - he didn't deserve that.

Thanks for listening.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Mel

it's good to see you posting, but I'm sad that it's because you are suffering this way.

FYI, I also got an ear infection a while back, and actually, it could be a TOTAL coincidence but if I have a "wobble" (panic attack) yes, my hearing does seem to be affected too ... perhaps it's blood pressure going up caused by the panic attack?? Not sure. I do think that you should get a doctor's appointment to be checked as they are happening so often (recently had my blood pressure checked and for the first time ever in my life, it was high - no surprise there). (If you're anything like me, you won't bother ) I also feel like I MUST stand (and want to keep moving, but very slowly - plus I start getting worse if I can't hold onto something, like the back of a chair, worktop, sink or something and I have to take a big gulp of air, almost like I was suffocating) ... very weird and frightening. Historically, (before Cliff died) if I was really terrified of something (like a mo-fo spider, or a near miss/car accident/ fight breaking out near me in a bar) my ears would "ring" and it was like I could feel pressure in my ears, so perhaps we are both predisposed to our ears being linked to stress. Thinking about it, every time I get a lot of stress I get recurring ear problems. I'd love to know if anyone else experienced something similar.

I truly wish that guilt/ regrets/ coulda/ shoulda wasn't part of grieving because I find that part the worst (apart from the actual longing and sadness obviously) ... because they aren't there to console you and tell you that you didn't do anything wrong - so I tend to crucify and torture myself endlessly - it's so awful. I know what you mean by what you said, but think about this: your husband knew you better than anyone else ... he probably would have found it strange had you NOT fussed. Then today, (if you hadn't fussed) you'd be feeling bad for not fussing and letting him do stuff. It's a process that you can never seem to win. Just as I lay stuff to rest in my head, it seems to come back again and again and again ad infinitum

Mel, since I "met" you on this board/forum, you have accomplished some pretty amazing stuff ... much more than I have in fact. You inspired me to drive all the way to Denmark and back and I am thinking about gardening (but have done zilch about it), and I can't even begin to contemplate learning something right now. Didn't you also do the project for a young student who is terminally ill.

Go gentle with yourself ... you have also had the shock of finding out that your husband's friend in Thailand passed away and that must have been bad for you because it brings everything back doesn't it?

Don't know if you are already meeting regularly with a counsellor, but I can tell you that it really helps me a lot.

Please get your blood pressure checked Mel, just in case ... I know it's hard to bother, but Rascal needs you

Take care hun

xx

[NotCoping]

Hi Boo,

I hate this is happening to you, but I'm glad to know it's not just happening to me - it's really scary. I'm sure my BP goes up when I'm having these things, but otherwise, when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, it was normal.

Thanks for your input.

[Boo Mayhew]

Mel, I know exactly what you mean. Quite honestly, I'm amazed we don't die from shock when our spouses die , I can remember my heart banging so hard and loud in my chest for a whole month ... no wonder we get physical reactions to this happening such as panic attacks, raised BP, depression etc etc. I think it was Kathy Papajohn who said that she had to be prescribed eyedrops because her constant tears had made her eyes so sore.

It's relentless and cruel

take care

x

[kayc]

Mel,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, yes I have experienced panic or anxiety attacks, and there are others here who have also. I got on Buspar (Buspirone) and it has been wonderful in helping me be normal again and live free of anxiety. It doesn't have the side effects so many do, and it is non-addictive and costs abouyt $17/month without insurance. It doesn't make me a zombie or numb, it just deletes the anxiety. You might want to talk to your doctor about it, or go on line and read up on it for yourself.

It is very hard to focus after "death" enters your life, it's hard to think clearly and make good sound decisions...my focus has never been the same since and it's been four years...it shocks your system so bad and I have to wonder if it doesn't actually alter our brain. I try not to expect as much from myself, to be kind to myself, I stand up for myself and try to be my own best friend...that helps. Trying to take time to relax or do something soothing, calming, enjoyable, that also helps. I have been dying to go to the coast, it is such a healing restorative balm to me! Some practice yoga, meditate, pray, walk in nature, take joy in their animals, grandkids, or whatever favorite activity they have...gardening, cooking, art, dance, music...anything creative is wonderful to the soul!

It is so important to get what is going on inside of you, out...express it in some way, cry, scream, vent, post here, depict it in art form...but get it out and let it be heard. That also helps you process what you have been through so you can deal with it and move into a better place in your life.

Take care of yourself,

Kay

[mrspapajohn]

Mel - - Not only did my eyes get sore from crying (I still cry at least once a day - but nothing like before), my doctor told me I was suffering fronm PTSD. Out of nowhere, I would visualize Stephen's face at the moment he died. My blood pressure would go up (I am on BP meds now), I would get chest pain and it would become so hard for me to breathe that I had to yawn to get a breath. My doctor prescribed anti-anxiety pils for me and though they don't help the sadness, they help these symptoms. She (my doctor) told me that the pills will not interfere with the natural progression of grieving. Maybe you should see about it.

Boo is right. You certainly have been an inspiration to me. I have been to Ft. Worth three times now to visit my husband's grave, and I'm not sure that I could have done it had I not been so inspired by your journey.

I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but I can only tell you to be nice to yourself. If your husband thought that you were the best wife in the world, then you were.

Kathy

[Sherr]

I know how you are feeling. As my Mom just passed away May 21, 2009, my world went from bad to worse...long, long story...but I started to get anxiety attacks, and believe me, I have never had an issue with blood pressure, but it felt like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest, and that was when I was at a resting rate?? Go figure...I didn't like that feeling at all, and I knew that it was serious, but I couldn't control the pounding, so I went to the Dr's and got some meds for aniety, Ciprelex, (anti-depressant) and they seem to do the job. It doens't take all the sadness away, as things can trigger it for me, namely father's day...that was an extremely hard day for me, (MoM and Dad haven't been together for the last 30 years) so, emotiionally it was so hard, that I would never see my Mom again. I also went straight to therapy as now, my life just opened up a whole can of whoop-a**. It will be costly, but has been be done, for my sanity's sake and well being. So having said all that, I understand as well as so many others, but getting help always helps!! (((HHUUUUGGGSSS)))

[NotCoping]

Thanks everyone.

I know I shouldn't but a friend gave me some of her Xanax (I've had it years ago, so I knew it would be OK), and it definitely helped the "attack" I had last night. As soon as I started feeling that certain weirdness, I took it and in 20-30 minutes, I could actually sit down on the bed. Since my GP moved, I'm going to get an appointment with this friend's doctor. I hate to take meds., but anything has to be better than suffering physical symptoms when we already have the emotional ones.

I totally understand about PTSD also, that happens to me as well. I just can't get the images out of my head at times.

[kayc]

Mel,

I forgot to mention, too, that exercise also helps...I walk twice a day, and I think it helps stabilize moods and ward off anxiety/depression. I hope you can get some help from this doctor!

Hang in there...

Kay

[Boo Mayhew]

hi Mel, just checking in on you did the Xanax help? Let us know how you (and Rascal) are ... xx

[NotCoping]

Hi Boo,

I took a Xanax last Sunday evening due to the same sort of "attack" and it does help. Luckily, I haven't had an attack since. I was having them every 2-3 days or so since returning from my trip. Thanks for thinking of me. I'm here watching TV and trying to get through the Sunday blues.

[Boo Mayhew]

perhaps having the Xanax there "just in case" is helping you ... (seems to help me ) ... am watching TV too ... and about to run a bath and relax with my book. I hate Sundays too V pleased you've not had any more attacks ... they are scarey - take care Mel. xx

[valley]

"I'm still going through the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. My husband thought I was the best wife a person could have, but I look back and I just don't know that I was especially in the last few weeks of his life. Things were so stressful, and I was so scared that I fussed at him for trying to do things I didn't think he should be attempting. I should never have fussed about anything - he didn't deserve that."

Dear Mel,

I am not sure how to do this quote thing...but.

I am exactly like you...wondering if I did the most that I could possibly do to save my husband. I try not to go there, but when I allow myself, when I feel strong, I do go there. It is a place I am not sure I should go.

I did try to respect my husband at this horribly streesful time, when every avenue seems to be a bad one, and still keep telling ourselves that things will work out. Maybe we should have been realistic and talked of the possibility of failure. But we didn't. To go on, we always kept pushing, telling each other things would be ok. We would get another number of years together. I tried to get my husband to totally change his diet...go on the O diet.....when what he wanted was what we had always eaten. I do believe he did not die from our diet. But each time we step into that area of analyzing what we should have done or could have done differently, we are walking into the unknown. And it can hurt so bad. The bottom line is we tried and we didn't succeed.

Take care of yourself. I don't have panic attacks but I do have trouble sleeping. My goal is to somehow find a way to do it without using medication. I haven't gotten there yet.

Thinking of you with love,

Valley

[marsha]

Mel and Valley - "what could I have done differently?" - that question has gone through my mind, oh, about a million times. And I have come to a conclusion - not a damn thing. Someone said to me, we all have an expiration date, from the time we're born, and I know in my heart it was Joe's time. And it was out of my control. Mel, those few months that Joe got sicker and sicker, the whole dynamic of our marriage changed. As I think I told Valley in a previous post, I hovered - I couldn't help but address the cancer in my head, and I was so frantic with worry and stress I thought I was going out of my mind. Trying to act normally on the outside, trying to share in Joe's hope for remission. My point to you is that while you're in the situation, there's nothing normal about it. It's only in hindsight that the guilt and pain surface. You did nothing wrong! You loved your husband, and tried to do the best for him. Hugs, Marsha

[kath]

Not wanting to talk about what "could" happen, even though all the signs were in my face was more than denial. It was holding onto every bit of hope I had for Bob's recovery. It is a difficult place to be, the spouse of someone so very ill. We are there to nurse, to encourage, to cheer the little accomplishments and to overlook the horrifying illness that seems to take over. We react the only way we know, with love, with fear, with prayer. The outcome is out of our hands. I've dealt with the "what ifs" off and on for two years. Some days I talk to his grave. Some days I write him a letter and burn it in a bonfire, hoping the smoke will carry it on the back of the wind to wherever he may be. In my heart, he knows I did only the best I could. It is a tremendous amount of stress to love someone so deeply and watch them fade from our arms. In their safe place, I think they worry about how hard we are on ourselves. The mistakes I made were not the first in my life or my marriage and I doubt they will be the last. We are only human. Forgiving yourself will not make the grief any easier. It continues, but it does seem to make it more bearable.

Wishing you rest,

Kath

[NotCoping]

Kath, I had a argument with my husband the night before I had to take him to the ER. I'll never forgive myself for it (even though I was right The next day was the last time he was able to speak to me. When I had to leave the ER because they were installing a breathing tube, he winked at me. I'll never forget it. I like the idea of burning a letter. I wrote a prayer to God and put it in my Bible a couple of weeks after Bob was gone. I wonder if I should do the same with it. It won't bring my husband back, but it maybe somehow he'll get the message of how much I love him.

[kath]

Oh Mel,

Some of those fires I thought I'd douse with my tears, but it was freeing in a sense to watch the smoke rise and carry my words away.

I had to transport my Bob from one hospital to the next hospital downtown Minneapolis, complete with his bladder bag during rush hour on a major holiday weekend. He was so thirsty. I was so tense. He wanted water so badly and I refused to stop. I just wanted to get him where I thought he'd be safe. He wouldn't stop begging for water and I finally gave him an old bottle that had been in the car for a week. The water was hot, but because they had limited his fluids due to his kidneys shutting down, I did not want to deliver him all messed up and have to start over again. I can't tell you how often I wished I could go back to that ride and stop for an ice cold water. I often wonder how I could have been so cruel. Even the readings I picked for his funeral were about not thirsting anymore. There are always going to be things that remind us of our failures as lovers, friends, spouses and then caregivers. The hardest part of this is to forgive ourselves. I still go back and forth.

Somewhere along this road it becomes less painful to look at what we did right. "Take care of your man." That was advice from my Grandma. There were many days I brought Bob that glass of ice water when he had asked or just because he looked hot and thirsty. Knowing what I know today, I would have stopped. Back then, it was all I could do to get him where he needed to go. He lived only three more days after that ride. Hell, knowing what I know now, I would have rode him off into the sunset, keeping him all to myself, with coolers full of ice water instead of going to the hospital at all!

Let me know how your bonfire goes.

Love,

Kath