Alone

[Tea]

Hello Everyone,

It's been one month, seven days, 8hours and 3 mins since allen past. Today has been very bad for me. mostly because i received allens remains.I could not help but to cry even more . His remains came in a big plastic bag in a hard plastic box.It is so hard to know that is him.Then i was send all his photos from my cell to the computer to save them. I had to look at photos from the funeral which was very hard but i did do it, just in case something happen to my phone. I feel like I'm all alone. No one to really talk to. yes i type to you all but it still not the same. some people i use to talk to acts like i have some sort of disease like they can't talk to me since this happen . There excuse is I don't know what to say to you. It helps just to have people around you sometimes because when i'm alone at home with my children and i'm crying some of them don't understand. the older ones do but they go out with there friends and i'm left at home alone. some familly members call but its not the same as having a conversation in person.

I have been running around everyday just so i won't be in the house alone. I have 18 year old i adopted he is handicap, 16 year old twins that are in chicago for the summer, a 14 year old, a4 year old, a 2 year old foster son, and a 15 year old sister in chicago for the summer as well. allens kids live in chicago. so with the older ones gone the younger ones and the handicap ones don't understand. I try not to cry in front of them but sometimes i can't help it.

Now to top that off I smoke cigars (Black and milds)i was down from five a day to 1 and a half but now i think i smoke about 7 a day. I was trying to quit. but with the stress i'm smoking more everyday. I know this may sound like nothing but one cigar is like five cigerettes and need to quit not only for my self but for my kids aswell but its hard.

[kath]

Hi, Tea.

You had a really tough day. I'm so sorry. You have a lot on your plate and that is going to make grieving harder and easier. While there is nothing we can do to stop the tears and the rush of feelings, taking care of children certainly forces us to live each day. They need us. As soon as some of the older children are home to help out, see if you can find a local support group for widows and widowers. You are right about needing that face to face conversation. There are usually plenty of hugs there as well and they are a safe place to be yourself and shed those tears.

Maybe instead of smoking a cigar, you can gather everyone for a walk. The 4 year old can pull the 2 year old in a wagon. Does your handicapped son have a wheelchair? It is good for the soul and a much healthier option. Kids love going on walks as a family. It gives them your undivided attentiona and girl, do they like to talk during that time alone! Please, please, please do what you can to take care of yourself, Tea. I know that is much easier said than done, but you are so important to your family. Children grieve differently, so gather as much information as you can. I'm sure that weighs heavy on your heart as well. I continue to pray for you and all the others here each day.

Love,

Kath

[valley]

Dear Tea,

The loss of Allen is still so new for you and it sounds like you have so much responsibility. I am thinking of you and sending you strength right now to just get through each day...each new day.

Yes, we do miss talking to the ones we love and trust. My love goes out to you and to your family.

Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

Tea, I am so sad that your friends are not pulling through for you when you need them most. Perhaps you could approach your closest friend and explain how you are feeling and how much you need her? At this time we don't need to feel any shame whatsoever in asking for help, whatever form it comes in, whether it is company or something practical.

I'd like to give you some practical advice about smoking, but that would be hypocritical ... I smoked incessantly in the days following Cliff's death, and eventually (after around 3 - 4 months) my smoking went back to what it had been prior to him leaving. My attitude at the time was, "why not?" as it seemed to help me at the time ... at least you are aware .... don't get too stressed about the cigars or it'll be harder to cut down. I reckon your smoking levels will normalize after a couple of months.

HUGS and more HUGS

x

[Tea]

Hello everyone,

I thank you so much for getting back with me. I spend a lot of time with them going on walks, going to the play ground and even taking them swimming as you all know it is very hot in las vegas, but i smoke the most when i'm not doing things, if i'm bored or even on the computer.the best thing is now i want to stop even more because of my kids. I feel my kids need me now more then ever it's just us now and i can't afford to have something happen to me because of my acts like smoking getting in the way of me living as long as i can for my children. I know you will never really know when you will past away but i don't want to help get here faster by smoking I'm not going to let this take me down. I have enough on my mind trying to cope about allen and taken care of my kids alone.

As for my friends I don't know what to say for them. My friends that live far from me do call but its nothing like talking face to face. my friends that are here makes me feel that they have let me down. and if that is really the case then maybe they where not my frends to begin with. No biggy I have made some wonderful friends here. I may have not seen you all face to face but you all don't even no me and you all have showed me so much love through just your words and kindness thanks sooo much.

xoxo

Tea

[kath]

Dear Tea,

I'm glad to hear you are getting out and about with your kids. It's weird how we think about our own mortality after losing our spouse. I was asked why, after all these years of living with a sleep disorder, did I finally seek help. My only response was, "I'm all that's left (for my kids.") I sure didn't want to die in my sleep and leave them with more trauma.

You're right about the friends we meet here. They do become our family and their understanding is uncomparable to the others in our lives. (I like how Boo titles them the "Untouched.") The members here have been my lifeline. One thing I really struggle with is raising children solo. We had our children late in life and Bob died early, so it offers a whole new set of challenges, as you well know. There are a few people in the same situation, so continue to talk here. I think, together, we'll be able to handle the rip tides.

Take care,

Kath

[kayc]

Tea,

I want to say amen to everything that's already been said here and am glad you do walks with the kids...maybe you could talk to your doctor about getting something to help you quit or cut back on your cigars...so many kids depend upon you, you have them for incentive!

It's good that you stay busy and having the kids around is good...but it'd be good if you could have someone else watch the kids once in a while and you could get out with an adult friend. Having lost your main support and biggest fan, it's good to treat yourself as your own best friend...think of what you would tell your best friend if she was going through it...then tell yourself that. We'll be here to listen and care, that's what this is all about!

Kay