So...post Year Thoughts

[marsha]

my throat is raw. I just spent the last hour listening and dancing to the Rolling Stones - and I closed all the doors and windows and just screamed AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! . It felt damn good. I've been in a tailspin since the one year anniversary. Today I realized what the heck I was doing. I had been thinking, ok, went through the "grief work", worked hard to get where I'm at, now where's the reward? There is no freaking reward! When I realized what I was doing to myself, it was like a weight off my shoulders. Yes, I'm still here, still going through what I'm going through. But the bar I set so high? I threw it away. For now, but that's good enough for today, for today is where I'm at. Hugs, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

Marsha, I smiled to think of you dancing and singing and hollering to the Stones. They are great to play really loud aren't they!

Wish I could have joined you ;-)

I've only done this once in the past six months, Cliff used to say that I had the voice of an angel, and I don't feel like singing for anyone else ... nor dancing, but I reckon I might do something similar on the one year anniversary ...

Well done for throwing away the bar. Anyway, you've got through the first year ... who can impose any bar on you? You don't have to prove anything to anyone - you are a warrior!!!

HUGS

xx

[LarrysGirl]

Hi my friend, well I can almost picture the scene and the screaming! Grief has its own time frame and the sooner we get that concept the better. Its really not something to be completed or really even accomplished. We've had a heartbreaking loss and it hurts and with support slowly we heal. You are strong and you will find your way. Deborah

[valley]

Marsha,

As I get nearer and nearer that one year mark I feel scared. I can totally relate to what you feel and so glad you have freed yourself from the bar of personal expectations. Boo is right...you are a warrior. I like the image of being able to stand up to (maybe instead of fight) the pain and loss that has been thrown at you. Really what else can you do? But where is the reward? I sure don't know.

And I really, really, really like the image of you rocking out to the Stones.

I stood out on the porch in a giant thunderstorm the other night and did some big time screaming myself.

I ask myself sometimes, "so is this as good as it gets"? Then something really nice happens; a friend calls to see whats up, or my son stops by, like that. And I forget for a minute that I am so alone inside, so rootless. The person who helped form my past, who was active in my day to day present and who I made plans with for the future is no where to be seen. Tom and I went to see the Stones in California at an outdoor festival near the beginning of our relationship. On the other end of the spectrum we went to see Bob Dylan a few years ago in Washington State. These old musicians out lived our men.....who would have thought.

Think I'll go put on some music and do some dancing with you.

Valley

[kayc]

Oh Marsha, you are so right, there IS no friggin reward! I guess the so called reward is, we get to live...and some of us didn't want to do that! But I have to smile at the thought of you dancing to the Stones...me, my imitation was of Elvis this weekend (he's fun to impersonate!)...I was at my Sisters' Reunion enjoying being with my sisters, daughter, and niece.

I guess this rude awakening is hard to accept, but somehow we do, and somehow we make it through all of the stages and adjustments and eventually learn to accept this altered life that we're left with...I hate to say it because I always hated hearing it, but it takes time.

I love you!

Kay

[kath]

Dear Marsha,

I echo everyone else in applauding your performance (and getting throught the first year.) I can't help but think that there really should be a reward. It is the worst of times and you did it! I'm glad we are here to acknowledge that milestone for you. Living for today, you said it, there's no point in projecting to tomorrow. Today is right where we need to be. Keep on keeping on, my friend. You are doing a fabulous job and we are glad you are willing to share that with us!

Kath

[Maryo]

Hi Marsha and everyone,

Because I have passed the one year mark also I thought everything would be so much better and 2 days later after alot of crying I realized that I still needed more time to grieve. My crying is not over but it is less often and most times I can go on with my day. I made it through all the important dates but it is not over yet. I realized that I am very glad to still be here and am trying to think of all things to look foreward to in the future.

But I do get lonely and that can be the hardest part of all. It is very nice to speak to people who are going through this hard journey also.

Mary

[kath]

I've been thinking more about this post. I too, had expectations that the first year would be the hardest and wondered why I didn't feel better after reaching it. It was shortly after that I started doing what so many have suggested in earlier posts...making a conscious effort to look for good in each day, even if it is a small thing. As Marsha stated, throwing away the bar, gettig rid of those ideals and expectations and letting life happen is really liberating. The second year became more of a quest into finding out who I am, doing things I had put off (being a wife and mother took precedence) that made me who I am. Grief became not so much less of an enemy, but more a part of my being. It is what it is. I can't change it, I can only change how I react to it. I don't think it was accepting Bob's death as much as accepting my loss. The 27 years we had together are as much woven into the fabric of me as the one year without him. The "new" normal starts to make more sense. I don't have to let go of all that we were, and for a long time I thought that is what was needed to continue this path, but it becomes clearer that he is so much of who I have become. Having that, and loving that he is in me, is the reward.

[kayc]

Kath,

That pretty much sums up what I've found. The first year was about getting through the details that needed taken care of, and crossing the "firsts without". The second year was more about rebuilding my life...although the way I went about it didn't work and I think may have set me back...it doesn't work to try and circumvent grief, you have to go through it. The third year for me was better, as I processed the losses and grief and accepted what was. The fourth year, for me, was self-discovery and I'd have to say I am happier now, but oh what a journey this has been! Never have I worked at anything so hard as this!

[marsha]

You guys are great - you've given me much to think about. Mary, I think the loneliness is a byproduct of our situations. How can it not be? I found early on that no matter who I spent time with, even friends and family who I love, didn't replace the void and loss of the one person, unique, who I miss so much. I accept that feeling, as painful as it can be - I know it can't be rushed. I never thought finding myself again would be such a work in progress - it's small stuff like re-arranging my home to reflect who I am. Sitting outside and watching the clouds; thinking, journaling. Losing the definition of myself as wife, and trying to replace that definition with just me, Marsha. Thinking heavy, here, ladies - hugs and love to all of you - Marsha

[Maryo]

Thanks Marsha,

I think you have made me understand a little better that loneliness is a big part of this journey. I am thankful when I spend time with my daughter but I always feel a deep rooted sorrow. I know that with time this feeling will be a little less intense. I can now look in the mirror most days and see me staring back and not a stranger.

I am trying to see myself as a single person. I am my own chief now and that was not something I would have asked for.

All we can do is take one day at a time.

Mary Lou

[valley]

Marsha and Mary,

I am lonely without my Tom. In a million ways.

Being alone though is not necessarily lonely. What I mean is, Tom and I could drive to Vancouver, a 9 hour drive, and only talk now and then. Sometimes it would bug me as he pulled into his head. Sometimes I would say, "what are you thinking"? just to get some conversation going. But now.....I have friends that I go out with and they NEVER stop talking. There is not one moment when conversation lags and I find myself coming home exhausted. I yearn for Tom and our easy give and take. Darn, I yearn for him. We were at peace with each other and we could also laugh pretty good about life and about ourselves.

Love to you both,

Valley

[valley]

P.S. Marsha,

I think it is quite wonderful when you say, "I never thought finding myself again would be such a work in progess". I find this inspirational!!!!! Because, I doubt my decisons all the time and lots of the time I avoid a decision. I need to move forward and move my furniture around too. I suppose it means taking some chances and realizing also that there is no one right way to do things and what the heck if I do make the wrong decision.

Enjoy the clouds.

Valley

[kayc]

Marsha, Valley, Mary,

I too found that "finding myself" took a great concerted effort, but one that is worthwhile.

I don't want to ever lose that again.

Valley, I know what you say about you and Tom...I think for most of us here we had the privilege of having wonderful balanced relationships, which serves to make us miss what we lost all the more. I've had to throw away any expectations I had about life and start again from scratch...coming to know who I am and what I want from life and go from there. It's not really such a bad thing, it's something that takes so much effort on our part, but right now at this point in time, I feel very healthy inside, happy, and am doing so well...much more than I ever could have expected...but then again, it's taken me quite a journey (of more than four years) and cost me quite a lot of pain and discomfort to get there. I can't regret any of it for I've learned so much. None of us would wish this on anyone, but being as we are here, we can look and see what we've gleaned from it. In psychology terms, they call it "having the observing eye", that is, getting out of yourself and looking in...that has helped me so much.

[valley]

Kay,

What you have said (written) has given me some happiness at goals worth shooting for.

Saying that you are healthy, happy and doing well is something I have not felt in a long time but I know it is a place I need to return to. My goal. My personal goal. For me it is so hard to separate "me" from "us". I have not developed the "observing eye" but believe that would be healing.

Thank you for all you have shared.

So much,

Valley

[mlg]

Valley

My problem is I don't want to give up the "us". I still want that and can't seem to get past it because as "us" we could do anything. There were many times that Tom didn't think he could do something but together we could conquer it and anything else. I always knew that no matter what he had my back and loved me even if we didn't totally agree.

It's over a year and a half now and even though I don't cry as much the "hole in the gut" feeling is still there.

Marsha,

I am glad that you have been able to make a transition. In many ways I envy you. I guess I'm afraid to let go for fear, like a balloon every thing will float away.