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No More Road Trips! :(

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My dad and I loved to travel and do road trips. So we loved going to Las Vegas spontaneously to catch a show and just eat. Our last road trip was to there. My mom couldn't make it, so it was just us two. We just saw one show, ate at a few restaurants, and did some shopping, a little gambling. We were going to see more shows, but it didn't pan out, so we promised we'd schedule them next time. Funnily enough, the show we wanted to see next time was Danny Gans' show (he died recently). I really love the city, but I haven't been back since. I miss the place a lot. I just had a panic attack this morning because it hit me that I'll never get to go with him again. I mean, I know that intellectually, but sometimes the thought hits me afresh, and it's hard to believe it.

I love the place and would love to go back, but then I realize I want to go back like it was BEFORE. I don't think I want to go with anyone else or by myself. When my dad was temporarily delirious in the hospital, he was talking in his sleep, and he said that he wanted to sit in the front row. When he woke up, I asked him what he was dreaming about. He said he dreamed we were at a show, and he was telling the usher where he wanted to sit. I think I said that before. It kills me.

I've been listening to songs that we listened to while we were there. I then dive into dreamland and pretend we're back there, sightseeing.

How do I handle this? I love the place a lot. Am really yearning to go back. But I know I'll fall apart if I go there because I don't want to enjoy the city if my dad can't; it feels like I'm rubbing it in his face. My memory's too good. If I walk in the places we were before, I just know bits of conversations we had will pop into my head, stuff like that. I just want to go back IN TIME to the place. What would you do? Does anyone have dilemmas like this?

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Hi Em

I don't know to be truthful. Music and places are so evocative.

I can tell you that I LOVE to hear my "Dad's music" again now, and that it took 3 years for me to be able to listen to it.

I can also tell you that Paris was "our place" my Dad's and mine, and on my first wedding anniversary I went back there with my Cliff ... and it was fine, but that was 10 years later.

I hope this doesn't depress you, because it's also important to say that we all grieve along differing timescales, so you may be able to go sooner than that. Pick your companion well. Don't push yourself to go till you are ready.

One day ....



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I think I understand what you are going thru.

My family went to the same place in FL for over 20 years. The year after my mom died (my dad was alive but too sick to go) we decided to go back. Hardest thing I ever did. It was such an emotional time, lots of anxiety, sobbing..etc. Everywhere I looked , was filled with memories. Now, having said that I want to tell you we still go every year and its such a place of comfort for me. I love being there and feel so close to my parents there. Sure, there are still moments that take my breath away. I have trouble watching sunsets, my mom's favorite part of the day. But after I got thru that first visit, I love being there. It was my parents favorite place.My brother does not like going back there, its too hard, so I guess its different for all of us. Its strange, I can go there but I cant drive by their house and havent since they died. I am so sorry you are going thru this. As always , you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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I too had a place that was very special to all of us. Initially I wanted to avoid that place for some of the very reasons you stated. But then??

I just took the plunge.. went there and...... cried. (aka: "Lost it")

In the end?? So what? I cried. It was a normal expression of my grief.

And afterwards.. I felt better. That expression of emotion gave me a different attitude about that place. I no longer want or need to avoid it. Instead, I look forward to sharing it with my friends and loved ones and making new memories there.


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Hi Em,

It is so weird that you posted this thread, as of many others I guess Las Vegas was a special place for my parents and I... As of a matter of fact my parents and I were on one of our many visits to Las Vegas which the trip I am speaking about was a present for a graduation gift for me from my parents... We went in 2005 and as you minght of guess we loved Las Vegas very much.... On our second last day of our vacation my mom came down ill so my dad and I took turns staying with her while the other one took a break... We than settled down for the evening and I woke up early on our last day to get ready for the trip to the airport... My dad woke soon after and we packed up all the suitcases but noticed my mom not awake yet so I went over to wake her up and could not... She was still breathing so my dad came over to her and pinched her on the shoulder with no response so we looked at each other and not living in United States decided we needed help and called the front desk the hotel doctor came up and saw the way my mom was and phoned the ambulance and fire department and they came and worked on my mom for about forty minutes and than rushed her to the hospital and my dad threw some money down and told me to stay put in the hotel and he would call as soon as he could... As it was the end of the trip we did not have much money left so the hotel paid for me to eat and one of their resturants during the day... Dad came back to the hotel and said mom did not wake up and we need to make arrangements to stay a few more days and we needed to phone back to Canada to talk with my sister and brothers about mom and what had happened... My dad has never cried infront of me until that day...My mom went into the hosipital on Friday morning and died on Monday evening.. My sister and two brothers did come down to be with us before she died and one other brother could not be there but we know he was there in spirit... Anyway it was three years later and I did make the trip to Las Vegas with my sister and a few friends as my dad passed away shortly after my mom in the same year...I had a really emotional trip but I am glad I did go back and now I will probably just remember the memories of all the times my parents and I went and I will not return... I hope this helps... Shelley

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After my husband, well, you know, I saw he had ripped out a page on Kauai. We were married in Kauai 10 years ago, and I had mentioned earlier that I would like to go back there for our 10th. To me, this meant he was thinking about a trip there. I have such special memories of that island (and other trips to different islands). I don't know when I am going to be able to travel to tropical places again, particularly Kauai...


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I'm feeling an incredible surge of guilt at the moment. I'm freaking out. :( Please talk me down. Story:

Dad and I took a weekend trip to Vegas (as stated in the first post). Had fun. Ate, caught a show, etc. He wanted to come back, and I, of course, agreed. The time he wanted to go for the 2nd time, though, interfered with this stressful final exam I had to study for. I wanted to do it the weekend right AFTER my exam was over so I could fully enjoy it instead of worrying about the exam. I've always been an A student, always tried my best. It's actually hard for me to procrastinate or do schoolwork halfway. I think my parents instilled that in me. I always tried my best in school and extracurriculars to make my parents proud. It really made me happy when I heard my dad talk about me to others, saying he was proud of the things I've accomplished.

After the exam happened, dad was due to return to another city, so he'd have a long drive. Plus, he had a flight scheduled after that to another country, so I guess he didn't feel like cramming Vegas in now that his international trip was so close. Later, I told him I wish we had scheduled that second trip to Vegas anyway. He said, "Well, you didn't want to go." I told him that wasn't true. I wanted only to delay it until after my exam. Man, am I regretting what I did. I keep playing his words in my head: "Well, you didn't want to go..." Over and over. I could have had another wonderful trip to remember my dad by, but I blew it off for an EXAM?! Am I crazy? I had no idea that he'd be sick during his international trip and pass away, preventing ANY trips at all in the future. Had I known, boy, I would have taken an F- in that class. I'd have dropped out of school entirely for him.

So I was e-mailing my friend about this, and she wrote this to me:

you're a wonderful daughter! You shouldn't beat yourself up over not going to Vegas the second time around. You said it yourself- you didn't know. don't torture yourself and accept that you were the best daughter a dad could have. Not very many people, sadly to admit, get along with their parents let alone even talk to them. But you, you were his best friend. Thats amazing!

Wanting to study over going to Vegas again well, if it were me, i would have said **** my final- Vegas here i come! But thats me, i wasn't always the best student. You were always into getting A's, i was more about- I'll take the A/B, sometimes C(horrible, i know). i just wanted to feel free and enjoy my life. i didn't hate school, in fact i loved learning and reading and of course meeting you! school was amazing- great professors, wonderful classes.

I was a good student, but you were a great student.

i remember you would turn down going to the movies or the mall so you can read and study- i always admired your dedication and your intelligence. Thats who are and when you turned Down Vegas, you were just being you, nothing wrong with it. The only advice i would like to give you is to think about your experiences going forward instead of just the final result. You could earn an A and hate a class or you can create great memories in your life and settle for an A-

Im not saying to be a bad student, but remember that the key is to build relationships with your professors and impress them to create career connections. If that means getting A's, so be it. Just don't make a grade the only attention you get from your teachers. i don't know if im making sense...

All i can say is that a GPA is not as important out in the workplace as i thought it would be... Just enjoy life, you deserve to.

Im glad that your dad got to see Vegas. If you ever want to go just to visit and chill there, i will totally be there for you if you ever need to talk.

I know she didn't mean to, but her e-mail just made me feel so much worse! Don't get me wrong. I KNOW she's absolutely right. Life ISN'T about grades. But the fact she tacked on that advice at the end of it drove the knife in deeper. I am already feeling absolutely gutted about the fact that I took studying for an exam over my dad's offer to go to Vegas (silly me thought delaying it a week was not a big deal...I didn't know my dad would just drop the trip altogether when I didn't want to do it on the weekend he wanted). Also, if you remember my story, I flew back to school after staying for four months 24/7 with my dad overseas in the hospital. I flew back home to arrange for better care for my dad for when he did return and to go back to school (I'm already very behind in the program, and I had some critical classes to take). He passed while I was at school. I will never forgive myself for declining that second trip when he wanted it AND for leaving my dad to go to school. I really thought he needed to stay overseas to recover from his surgery and to see his doctor for scheduled followup appointments and prescription refills. He was VERY underweight and malnourished (but he had a feeding tube, so he was supposedly getting better--that's what the docs told me, which is why they released him to a less-serious recuperation hospital). So though he was recovering, he hadn't recovered enough yet (it would be slow but sure, according to the docs). I thought he was therefore unfit to fly since a 13 hour flight would be stressful, dirty (all the circulated air, and he had an open wound in his body from the feeding tube, which always leaked and wasn't really healed). So my plan had been to go back to school while scheduling appointments with better doctors, outfitting his house with equipment for his wheelchair-bound state, etc. Then after his wound was better and he'd gain weight, he could come home to everything taken care of. I had appointments with great docs scheduled, extra equipment now that he couldn't walk, extra health insurance, etc.

It's funny. I also wonder if God (or whoever) meant for us just to have that one Vegas trip? We'd gone with other people other times, but this was the first with just us two there. And after I left my dad overseas to go back to school, my mom was there with him, just them two, just like before I was born. She was there with him when he passed. I wonder if that's by design. Like coming full circle. I dunno. I do know that had I been there to watch him die, I'd be crazier than I am now. OK, this is me trying to make myself feel better in a really pathetic way. <_<

Now that e-mail from my friend kills me. She's basically agreeing with me that my adherence to school is detrimental, right? I'm super sensitive these days, so I know I'm overreacting. I just can't shake this guilt and the way I perceive what she said. I'm taking everything the wrong way. I feel so emotionally raw. I'm such a nutcase these days. I swear I wasn't like this before. This is my first big loss. :wacko::blink: :blink:

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Em, first off let me say that I think that you did NOT let your Dad down by prioritizing your exam. You were being diligent, industrious, accountable and responsible. You were being the daughter that he used to speak of with pride. For such a young age, you were so considerate to him in ill health, much more adult or caring than many children would be.

I think your friend thinks the same as I do, but what she is trying to say is to take "you time" like she does. But the point she is missing is that she is content with the grades she has - you strive higher. I don't think that that is reasonable because it goes against "the grain" and everything your parents instilled in you. Itwould probably stress you out because it's not the way you work or study. And I hate to imply this but I'm going to. Perhaps it would suit her if you agreed to go have fun and give her company. But it wouldn't suit you?

Focus on the trip that you took - just the 2 of you. That is special.

When my Dad was dying, he told Cliff to take me away from the hospital, "and don't let her come back" because he didn't want me to be there when he died. I think that was a lovely protective paternal gesture, and hard for him to do. Like you I am relieved I was not there. He made the right choice and decision for me, without my knowledge at the time. I love him for it. Perhaps your own experience was similar. After all, even tho you were the closest of friends, you will have always, additionally, remained his baby/little girl. Fathers can't help it, even when we are fully grown they tend to think of us in that way, and it's wonderful I think :-)

Also remember that guilt is a part of grieving. We self torture over it. I found it the worse part of the first six months - the most agonizing, torturous and hard part.

Personally, I think you are a wonderful daughter and it's clear just how close you were, which makes me think ... your Dad would hate for you to be feeling like this. Easy for me to say, I know, but I honestly mean what I have said. I'd be proud, anyone would, and honoured to have you as a daughter. And lucky, I might add. HUGS xx

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Thanks, Boo, for your words. Do you think I'm overreacting by being really angry about what she said? I need an outside perspective to tell me because I'm in my bubble and can't tell anymore. She has always been a very caring and sensitive friend, which is why I'm surprised she said that. I know she says she doesn't blame me, but why add that advice at the end if she doesn't? Basically, in my first e-mail to her, I was crying about how I chose school over Vegas with my dad. I was beating myself over that already, and then she has to add that advice about not putting school first all the time? It made me feel so much worse, like she was agreeing with me. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. I wrote her that I feel like a horrible person, especially after her advice, because it's my poor decision-making skills that robbed me of extra time with my dad. She wrote back:

Oh no, you are not horrible. You're blaming yourself over a situation that you had no control over. Had you been a psychic and saw all that was to come and still didn't take action, well then you can talk. But you didn't know. You had no idea that God was ready for your dad. Theres a reason why you werent there- what if you did stay... You would have messed up your opportunity and not been able to save your dad because you cant play God. Maybe your dad saved your life- maybe God knew that he couldn't have you there for whatever reason.

Your dad wants you to be successful. you're his pride and joy! You didn't do anything wrong. Please font blame yourself. Im sure your dad feels awful right now because he sees his daughter suffering so much. Im sure he wishes he can make things better for you. Please don't blame yourself- can you imagine what that does to him? Think about it.

i know this is an awful thing to experience and i admire you for trying to deal... Please dont give up.

I think I know I am not omnipotent and can't predict the future. But I'm fixating now on the choices I did make, period. It's like driver who hit a bicyclist accidentally, killing him. The driver didn't know he would do that, of course, but he feels extreme guilt for having done so at all. I know my dad wouldn't want me to suffer like this, but I can't think about his feelings right now to make myself feel better. :( My feelings are there nonetheless. It's so nice what your dad did for you by telling Cliff not to take you back. That's love.

I remember after my dad's first hospitalization, my dad told me I should take a leave of absence of drop out of my program entirely (because he knows I've been unhappy about some aspects) so we can take this trip to this city overseas we've always talked about. I told him I'd take a leave after one more semester, that I'd do it after the summer so I'd get Fall free. Because I was taking a really critical class I liked, and it was only offered once a year. Of course, during the summer my dad got hospitalized overseas, so I never got to take Fall off for the trip since he was in a hospital. I regret that now. Why didn't I take a leave to go on that trip? Now I have three things to feel guilty about.

Why am I so angry with my friend? I don't want to be. I get angry and hurt so easily now than ever before, and I really dislike being angry. It feels wrong in my skin. Do you think my friend does blame me a little? Otherwise why'd she say that, you know? I know it's important to take your time, to enjoy experiences, school isn't everything etc. It's actually good advice. But it wasn't the right time to give me that advice, IMO, when I'm already beating myself about my diligence to school. It was bad timing, I feel. I need some outside perspective to calm me down so I won't feel resentment against her, because we've never fought before (she's really a mothering type of friend, very sweet normally). To me, it's like I said, "Damn, I chose school over dad. Feeling guilty." Her reply: "Don't blame yourself. BTW, you should not choose school over anything in the future." Uh, thanks...

You're so kind. Thank you so much for your comforting words!

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I have to tell you that this bit of your post had me laughing out loud at my desk. Don't blame yourself. BTW, you should not choose school over anything in the future." Uh, thanks...

Right now, we are very vulnerable emotional wounded creatures. So the words and actions of others completely affect us. We are questioning the world as we know it. All that we completely trusted - our counsel - is no longer here. Keep that in mind ... and be tolerant of others' faux-pas - they know not what they do/say! Believe me, I have had the most stupid things said to me, where I stand there thinking, "you are STUPID" but all I say is "mmmmmmm"!!!! Her intention is good ... I personally feel that she overstepped the mark when you initially asked for her opinion. You didn't ask for a life-coach session - you simply asked for reassurance, yet she provided you with one, and the advice was inappropriate for the time and situation. I just don't think she thought it through properly ... but I can read between the lines that she cares for you a lot and has admiration for you. I think she's a good friend, but she just blurbed on without thinking of how you would read it. And as I said earlier, she is applying her values to YOU, and that isn't really the way forward.

I'd not confront her. Of course you're angry - I would be. Perhaps, I'd even feel a bit betrayed. HOWEVER, we are wounded creatures ... a little over-sensitive, which is to be expected and is normal and understandable. When you think about it in that perspective, and realize that she cannot begin to imagine how you feel ... she meant nothing but good ... anyone on this board would never have said that, but ... we have the empathy and insight. I'd be inclined to think of it in that way, rather than dwell on the resentment. Your friendship is more important. Seriously, I reckon she didn't read it through before clicking on the send button. And you know what, she's probably pleased with the way she handled it. ha! I promise I have had similar conversations ...

What I learned was to choose my sounding-boards wisely ... and as lovely as she is, perhaps you need to use others for this purpose ... people who are fairly analytical, look at it from a logical perspective, perhaps someone older. I do, because I am the opposite of analytical normally ... so that is the perspective that I normally lack and therefore seek.

What is awful about all this is even if she had said the perfect answer, and I did, and others did, the nature of the beast is such that you will continue to beat yourself up about this, until you are through beating yourself up about it. Which is why I found the guilt part of the process the most arduous and tortuous - because I excelled at it :-( and I have a feeling that perhaps you are too ... I hope that didn't sound patronizing because it's certainly not intended - I just believe in speaking the truth. It is hell, and I know where you are and I'm sorry Em. I wish I could make it stop for you. I get upset just thinking about those times. The only advice I can offer you, which worked for me was this. I started to categorize my own guilt into "justified" and "unjustified" guilt ... and slowly ... I found that all the guilt started getting consigned to the unjustified pile. But at first, I was stubborn, it was my "hair-shirt" and no one was going to take it off me - I just had to go through it.

Grief is so weird and hard.

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Yes, we are questioning the world as we know it! It's like I have to re-teach myself how the world works. I will try to be more compassionate towards others. I know they mean well, and I shouldn't be quick to see bad in good. She is a great friend, a loving person. I have to remember that. I usually am not very analytical/logical, but I'll try to be more so in the future. I feel like a completely different person!

I wish we weren't so good at the guilt part! We're practically experts. You were not patronizing at all. I fully welcome and am so grateful for your help through this. You're a godsend. :D

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Dear Em,

Guilt is very difficult. We ARE different people, we have been changed, and now we are trying to find out who we are. We are being forced to reshape and rethink our beliefs, and to look at things in new ways. It is hard to do this, with a lens of grief and guilt in front of our vision.

I think Boo has very good points. Even if your friend had said just the right thing, the guilt would still be there. I am thinking back to my guilty things that pop up in my mind sometimes, and it is the same way. Even if the logical part of the mind says, "You didn't know he would pass on," there is still that grief part that goes crazy saying, "You should have done better!"

I relate so much to what you are saying, about having then valued school so much and wanted to work to get A's, even at the time of your father's illness. I was the same way, continuing to work so hard in school, and now I look back and chastise then-me in my head and get so angry and sad that I didn't take time off school more and spend every day at my father's bedside.

My mother reminded me once when I told her about my guilt, that it is in the nature of a parent to want to do things for their children, to want to make their children happy. Your father was so proud of you, Em. He was so fortunate to have a wonderful daughter like you, taking care of him, being a friend as well as a daughter. I think, hard though it is, we must remember the loving dealings we had with our fathers, and remembering this, know that they would not hold any of our so-called "failures" in our minds against us.

I can also relate to your feelings on the Road trips, because I also have places that I want to/don't want to go again. I am afraid of what going to these places might do to me. And I feel it is extra hard for people like me and you, whose fathers were so loving and special that they treated us not only as daughters, but as heartwarming beloved friends. We have lost more than counselors, than the men who raised us and cared for us, we have lost our bosom companions with which we spoke from our hearts and told our innermost secrets, and shared the highs and lows and shallow and depthful parts of life. Now they are gone, and it hurts so much...

I think what your friend meant to say, simply, was that in the tough time you are now having (not referring to then and punishing you, but referring to now), it might be best to take a bit of lay-off from a stressful hardworking time at school. Like you and Boo said though, and I agree, your friend said things that were a little over-line, because like you said, striving in school is a part of you, instilled in you by your parents.

I hope that you can find a good "soundboard," someone who, in addition to your good friend, you can talk to and who can hopefully say the right things, or at least share and listen. I have just recently found again, a very good friend of my father's to talk to. Let me tell you, after months in which I felt I didn't have a lot of people who really knew my dad to talk to about him, it felt sooo good to find someone who really, really loved (loves!) my father. This is a man who loved my father so much, and in one conversation got choked up about my dad in one moment, and in another moment laughed out loud remembering a funny story about my dad. To find gem people like these, helps us to think in a more logical, healing way, I think. Look for diamonds-in-the-rough people. They are the perfect soundboards.

Sending ((((((Hugs)))))) and thinking of you,


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Chai, you're right. My dad wouldn't hold this against me. Odd, but I'm not thinking about how he feels. Whether he blames me or not, I blame myself. I try to tell myself that he wouldn't want me to be unhappy, but this smartass voice in my head says, "If he really wouldn't want me to be unhappy, why'd he leave?" Ah, it is so hard that we were friends with them, huh, Chai? :( Makes parting so harder. I'm so glad you found a good friend of your father's to talk to. I wish I had that. I think in my culture people tend not to talk about the dead. You are very, very lucky, and I'm so glad someone remembers your dad with you. :)

I've had a hard day. I found these pictures of people with their dads -- at graduations, weddings, just hanging out -- and I've been crying a lot. Maybe I like torture. But I'm looking at their smiles, feel their happiness, and I feel happy for them (because I know that time is so special). But then I remember I can't have that, and I start to cry all over myself. I know other people have their other parent or other pseudo-parents to help, but I don't have that. My mom and I are very different, so we can't talk like my dad and I talked. Feel utterly abandoned. Hopeless. I'm so scared.

So what do I do? I look up pictures of people with their dads. I think I might be cursed. Not only do I not have my dad, but some other things have also gone wrong to exacerbate the grief. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me before, so this succession of bad things has been quite an experience. I just keep looking at these happy pictures, hoping that if I wish hard enough, I can kinda be part of that again? I don't know.

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I think guilt is in many ways the most painful part of grief.

My ex-husband and I were very close phone friends during his illness. We had divorced 20 years earlier because he was gay, but we remained good friends, and became especially close when he was ill. We lived across the country from each other. I told him I wanted to come visit him, but he said he didn't want me to spend the money and didn't want me to see him looking sick, and once he got the transplant and was recovering, he would like me to visit. I accepted this, because I didn't have a lot of money, and also I had gained weight since I had last seen him and didn't want him to see me like that.

Then a couple of months went by when I didn't call him. I wasn't feeling well (had to have a hysterectomy shortly after that in fact), and was very busy at work, and whenever I would think of calling him, it was too late becuase of the time difference between east and west coasts. I kept thinking, I need to call him.

Then I got the call -- he had died waiting for the transplant. I was SO devastated! Why did I think I couldn't scrape together the money to go see him one last time! Why did I think it mattered that I had gained weight? Such stupid reasons! Now I would never have the chance to see him again! It was horrible. I did go to his funeral, beating myself up all the way since I HAD scraped together money to go to his funeral but I wished that instead I had gone to see him while he was still alive.

Anyway, it was awful, and I beat myself up for a long long time. And I was also so upset that I hadn't called him the last few months. Did he think I didn't care anymore? Did he feel abandoned?

Then, two plus years later, my father died. I was with him every day while he was put into hospice. I had gone home for Thanksgiving, and he had to go to the ER that night, and his cancer had recurred. The doctor said he would have a few more weeks. I had already been gone from work for two weeks longer than planned, so when we had my dad all settled and my other out of state sister came, I went home. Four days later, my brother called me, and my father had died with the whole family there -- except me.

The guilt still bothers me -- I cried writing that sentence. I tell myself, there was no way to know when they would die. You can't plan every single day around worrying that your loved one might die. Yet, we blame ourselves for things we can't change and couldn't foresee.

I just have to keep telling myself, we do the best we can, and if we had known how to do better, we would have, because we loved them so much we would have done anything for them. You know that if you had had any clue that your father would not be able to make another trip to Las Vegas, you would have dropped everything to go with him when he could. But you didn't know.

Also, I don't know anyone who has not felt guilty when a loved one died, even my mother who cared devotedly for my father every minute of every day through his cancer, then felt guilty because she was down the hall rather than right at his bedside when he took his last breath. What more could she have done? But guilt is part of grief. Remember -- we can't control when someone dies. That, and the knowledge of when they will die, is out of our hands.

Hugs to you.


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AnnC, of course you're right. We can't predict the future. I'm so sorry you had to go through your guilt, too. It's just that I wonder if there's a meaning or a pattern to this. Why couldn't I be there when my dad passed? Why was it just my mom? Was some power trying to make things come full circle?

So confusing.

Had a big grief burst today. I had to go to a hospital, and being at one just brought back horrid flashbacks and could've should'ves. Am feeling very deadened inside. No motivation. Just...blank. Then tears.

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