Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Make Your Mind Up


Recommended Posts

Hi All,

I just off the phone with some family members and they want me to bring the remains of my parents to a meeting that we are having to decide what to do... I have been given the remains to keep them safe until the family came together to decide what to do with them.... Well it has been five years almost and the family figures they have given me enough time to decide what to do... I want to keep them forever and not do anything but I know that the rest need to deal with their grief in their own ways... I can not just threw the remains just any where and the family thinks that it will be against mom's wishes to have them put somewhere.... I would be fine with putting them somewhere like burying them and just add a rose bush on top somewhere quiet and safe... Please help if you can thanks Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Starkiss, you are already so raw at the moment, I wish they had picked a different time. Have been thinking about you today.

When Cliff's Mom died, her ashes were put in different places:

spread in the park that overlooks the sea near where they live and the family all take flowers there when they want to

in Cliff's Dad's garden buried, funnily enough with the roses

in the sea in Holland because Cliff's sister lives there, so that she has somewhere to take flowers too

on the beach in Ostend (Belgium) because they had such good memories of trips there together

Cliff and I only went to the spreading of ashes in Holland. We all went as a family to that one. Just Cliff's Dad and one sister went to the other places.

I have just ordered this locket off the internet because I have decided to do the following with Cliff's ashes and I can't quite bear to let go of all of him. It would feel like more sorrow and loss. I know on a rational level that he is not in the ashes, that he is somewhere else, but still, having them here with me gives me comfort.

So Cliff's ashes will be put:

on the beach in his old hometown (I will spread these with his pallbearers - his closest friends, who are in my estimation, "real men" that he respected and loved, when I am ready)

in my garden over where our rottweiler is buried (I will spread these alone when I am ready) and I don't plan on ever moving from here.

in Stockbury where he was fostered by a lovely old couple who are long dead themselves - it was the only time he was ever happy as a child so it felt right to do this (I will spread them with his big brother who was fostered by this couple with him, and then he's taking me for lunch, when I'm ready)

a little bit of his ashes will go in my locket, along with a lock of his hair, and a rose petal from the wreath on his coffin, and I don't think I will ever take it off. In fact, I am going to have it added to my will that when I die I must be cremated with the locket on! It already states that I go with my wedding ring on, just like he did.

The rest of the ashes (the majority) are going to go up in a mo-fo firework. Fireworks were a big thing with us, and believe it or not, our rottweiler - he LOVED them and Cliff actually put up balastrading and a baby gate on the decking to keep him safe whilst he was viewing the display. In the UK, you have to get the firework especially made in the presence of an undertaker (if the fireworks contain human remains/ashes) and ... it just so happens that we know someone who owns a firework factory. He used to let Cliff have the fireworks usually only allowed to pyrotechnicians, so he is going to take care of that side of it. Cliff was also a wizard at making cocktails, so I am going to use some of his own recipes, make some cocktails, and invite some friends and family up and send him off from my garden. That way he will be all around me. Again when I am ready.

The reason I bought this locket is because it has a double chamber - and I didn't want to put his ashes, hair and rose petal all in one space in a locket. I know it sounds silly, but you will understand!

And now I am thinking, it's a double chamber locket. Starkiss has lost her Mom and Dad ... she could put some of her Mom in one side of the locket, and some of her Dad in the other side of the locket. You may hate the idea initially. I sure did. I pondered on it for sometime, and now I like the idea, in fact I will be relieved when it arrives so that I can wear him next to my heart all the time. You don't even have to wear it ... you could just have it somewhere at home safe if you preferred.

Here is the link to the locket:

http://www.memorialjewellery.com.au/Silver...ocket_p_46.html

Be aware that this site is in Australia, so check out the exchange rate to US$.

The reason I've gone into so much detail is just to show you that everyone in your family, including you, can be comforted in dealing with the ashes in their own way and in their own time too. Think some, then talk to your family. Perhaps even take a little from each of their ashes before the meeting, so that if there are arguments at this meeting, you have the safety net of being able to deal with this the way you want, and when you want.

I don't know if this will help you because we are all so different in the way we deal with and think about these things. You may hate the locket, or you might not like the idea of putting the ashes in different places, I don't know. It's just an idea.

Hugs to you today, I know it will be hard on you.

xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry I should have mentioned too:

Cliff's Mom's ashes were disposed of as per her own wishes

The decision regarding Cliff's ashes are my wishes - we never discussed anything beyond the fact that we wanted to be cremated, but I can't help but think that he would approve, and his family and friends certainly do :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Boo,

Thank you for your help, I personally would love to keep them forever but I know that my family needs to get closer too so that is why I am going to their opinion about the rose bushes and burying them underneath... I just do not know if I can spread them and let the wind take them just anywhere... Take care Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All,

After five years of thinking and wondering what will happen with the remains I have been praying for along time and come to the decision that some of my parents is better than none... So now I am willing to give a little in the decision we have to come up with.. Before I would not even consider spreading their ashes but none I willing to take a little piece of them and be happy for that... After all I have now realized that it is just remains and their spirits have left and I was also concerned that God would not be able to find them if they were spread everywhere but He made them so He would be able to find them anyway ...Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Boo,

I thought by spreading their ashes around it meant I was throwing them away but now realizing that God has them and these are just the remains of their bodies than it was easier to come up with what to do... I still want a little to have just the same... Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Shelley - I don't post a lot here, but I've been reading your thread, and I do so understand. I had a memorial for Joe 3 months after he died. I was going to put the whole urn in the ocean, but decided just to put a portion of his ashes in the ocean. Some of the remains I gave to my stepson and stepdaughter. On the one year anniversary we timed it to put some of Joe's ashes in the Pacific (they're in California), and here in North Carolina. Afterwards, my stepdaughter emailed me that she felt such a joy - Joe loved the ocean. I felt the same. These are our loved one's earthly remains - it's not their spirit or their soul. Boo had a lovely idea about putting some of the ashes in a locket - I still may do that. Do what feels right to you - Hugs, Marsha

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Shelley and All,

I have Tom's ashes with me at home. A potter friend made a lovely urn and we put them in that for the Memorial service. Now they are with me. Right now in British Columbia it is really HOT and many, many forest fires buring all over our province. People talk of their evacuations and what they take with them. I am not near a fire, but I thought I would take Tom with me. And then how silly that was. I would take ashes, so that he wouldn't be lost in a fire. I realize I am very protective of the ashes.

Like Boo I have thought of what I will do with them once I get to a place where I can scatter them. I am not anywhere near that yet. I want to go out in our boat on our lake and spread a few, as Tom was so happy in the boat, on the lake. And maybe some under one of the trees he planted.

But the locket is also what I have decided to do. I was going to have a jewler friend make the locket. Not really a locket, but a design I have in my head. I for sure am going to do this as right now I wear a heart shaped locket with the first photo taken of Tom and I....we looked so young, so shy, so happy. I like to reach for it and just feel it. Once I have the one with Tom's ashes I will feel him even closer. I know. I know. It is not him. But it also is him. For now he sits in the house with me.

I love the locket idea and will look at the site you mentioned Boo.

My brother was a surfer and when he died his girl friend took his ashes out on a boat in California and spread the ashes in the Pacific Ocean. It seemed very fitting. And my husband's sister's ashes were spread from a low flying plane over a river she oftened fished in and loved.

Take care all, Valley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Valley, when I collected Cliff's ashes from his Dad's house, I made a big fuss of strapping him into the car with a seat belt. As if it mattered! But it did, enormously, to me at the time. I too am protective of his ashes and if I had a fire at home, I would take my dogs, his ashes and our most precious photos.

Shows just how much our world has shifted on its axis, and how our perspectives on what is important and what is not is today.

xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey guys, I too have Steve's ashes at home but also have some of his ashes in a cremation locket, mine is a dove and I purchased mine on Ebay a couple years ago. Boo I seat belted Steve's ashes too when I brought him home and felt such a wonderful sense of relief once he arrived back hme where he belongs.

Love Always,

Wendy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think all the locket ideas are wonderful. My Scott was not cremated, but was buried beside his father. His mother will be buried on top of his father, and they have given me the option of being buried on top of my husband. For me, I kept his wedding ring and had a pendant he gave me out of the blue a couple of years ago (and at the time, he simply told me he was proud of me) set inside the ring on a hook. I don't take this off. A part of him, and a gift from him to me are with me always as one. And his sister and husband have a jewelry store, so they had the work done for me. That is my special keepsake of Scott and our love. And, of course, it will go to our daughter, one day.

Korina

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All,

I just received another call from the siblings and they have given my a deadline of August 25th to make up my mind about everything... That is my dad's 5th anniversary of the day he died... So now what do I do? Go ahead and give in to them or figure out that part of them is better than none of them... Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All,

We as a family met again today about my parent's remains and the others seemed to think we should scatter them at my sister's cottage, My brother brought up that my mom did not want to have a grave and that she did not want to be fish food... So here I am again wondering what to do, I do not want to scatter them up at the cottage but I would like to scatter them somewhere I feel welcome to going if I so wanted too... I think we should do it at my brother Barry's place we used to have family get togethers there and it was always a fun place for my mom... One of my brother's thinks it is a good idea but soon was taken over with the cottage idea... Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you scatter them at each of those two places so that you are all able to visit? I think it has to be a unanimous decision - please don't let them bully you into it just because two or three of them think it's a good idea. If you intend to visit the resting place, it has to be somewhere that you can go and feel welcome to go!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Shelly this is what I would do if I was in your shoes right now. I would take the ashes to a funeral home, does not have to be the one you used. Ask them to take some of the ashes and put them in a separate container for you, simple ones are very inexpensive. Then give the ashes to your family and tell them to do what they want with them. Believe me they will not even know any are gone and if I were you I would not even tell them you have some. You can even get some kind of container yourself, people use all kinds of things such as jewelry boxes, glass jars with tops etc. You could even eventually get one of those neclaces like I got on Ebay that you can wear around your neck with some ashes in, I had a funeral home put some of Steve's ashes in mine. Of course you can also do this yourself if it does not bother you to do so, I would have suggested for you to tell them you are keeping a small amount but it does not sound like they are willing to accept that, good luck.

Wendy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi:

I still have Alex's ashes in the container that they came in. I have to find something that is appropriate. The locket sounds really nice. I have a heart shaped locket with a diamond cross on the front that was given to me when I made my first communion by my god father.

But I do have intentions of sending some of Alex's ashes into space. I have contacted the only organization that does this. Celestel (spelling). My husband always said that this is what he wanted done with his ashes. It is something that you have to take time and think about. They only take a small vile of ashes. There are different levels of space travel. You can have the ashes orbit space and then into space and then deep space. It is a business and the price might not be right for everyone. The only problem is that you never know when the next space flight is and where. It usually is a year from the time you sign a contract. You can back out of the contract a month before. The organization said that there are times when the flights are prosponed or cancelled due to bad weather. So, this is something that I would have to think about because with my job I can't just make arrangements and then change them and then make more arrangements. Also, my sister-in-laws would like to attend and I hear it is a lovely ceremony. This is a commitment that I have to be sure about before I embark on it, but it is something that I really want to do.

Jeanne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Starkiss,

Just read your post, I can understand that you would keep the remains forever, but on the other hand the rest of the family needs their closuer too. Maybe you should keep part of the remains until you ready. You need to do what you feel is right for you.... Let the rest of the family do what they think is best for them. You don't have to tell them, this is your decision. We all know that losing someone is hard enough, and we all grieve in different times, there isn't a time frame on this.

Decide what you want, and need, this is very important. If you would like some of the remains spread in your rose garden its o.k.

Think what you want I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. I will say a pray for you. May God watch over you and guide you in your decision.

Deborah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

Hi All, I just wanted to add now the family knows about the abuse and as a family we have decided to do the right thing with the remains of my parents finally I think the family has realized that waiting for me to decide was the the right thing to do and now they are going to work together to deal with them finally after almost six years... Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All, Yes this meeting covered alot of different things including the remains most of my family believed me to be just a rude very moody person but now they know it is because of what I have been through and they are more understanding now... Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Shelley,

I hope you are owning the fact that you are one brave phenominal woman! It is because of your courage, your ability to persist and endure, to push through all the fear, and speak your truth; that your family is now working together in harmony.

It is both and honour and a priviledge to witness and I thank you for your "trust" of me.

I am so PROUD of you.

Your friend ~ Carol Ann

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi All, It is so hard for me right now, everyone is telling me to be proud of myself and feel good about what I have done... I do not know how to do this because i do not ever think I have felt proud of myself... I just know that I have had a much better week this week and if that is how it is after doing what I just did than I wish I had done it sooner.. Shelley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...