Feeling So Alone

[Kat2005]

It will be 4 months this week that I lost my husband of 25 years. We met at work and worked our entire lives together. We were together all the time. I have lost my best friend. He was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer September 2008. I didn't realize that it was so aggressive and that I would only have 9 months with him. I am second guessing myself. I keep asking myself if I should have noticed signs earlier. Could I have gotten him to the doctor sooner. I just feel like I have failed him in some way. I keep wondering if I told him everything that I wanted to since I thought we had more time. I think of him from the time I get up in the morning till I go to bed at night.

[kath]

Dear Kat,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear husband. Twenty-five years is a long time. Bob and I looked so forward to celebrating it, though we were together for 27, we were married for only 21 when he died.

It is normal to question everything for a long time. There's no doubt you loved him, and that love did not fail because it was his time to go. Because it is such a shock when it happens, we need to blame someone and it usually is ourselves. (We are kind of easy targets being so down already.) Please go gentle on yourself. Four months is really early on this journey and your love will carry you through. I still think of Bob all the time, too, even after two years. Just as our marriage to our loved ones is so important to who we are, it is their memory that will always be important as we become comfortable with who we are yet to be.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss. You came to a really good place here. We so get it, unfortunately.

Kath

[Maryo]

Hi Kat,

I am sorry for your loss. I also had 25 years of marriage with my husband. I am sure you have many lovely memories that will help you in this difficult journey. This is a good place with many caring people who understand.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Rochel]

It will be 4 months this week that I lost my husband of 25 years. We met at work and worked our entire lives together. We were together all the time. I have lost my best friend. He was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer September 2008. I didn't realize that it was so aggressive and that I would only have 9 months with him. I am second guessing myself. I keep asking myself if I should have noticed signs earlier. Could I have gotten him to the doctor sooner. I just feel like I have failed him in some way. I keep wondering if I told him everything that I wanted to since I thought we had more time. I think of him from the time I get up in the morning till I go to bed at night.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...I too had my head spin when my hubby of 34 years had an aggressive cancer and kidney failure...I took care of him for 4 months and still think if I said everything and did I do everything I needed to do to get him better...little did I know was that he was dying and I couldn't do anything to change it..I'm suffering daily without my sweethear..He would call me Darlin Girl and I will never hear it again..He too was my best friend...I will miss him dearly and can't believe that he is really gone...I can tell you Kat2005 not to blame yourself but it won't help...There are many thingsthat you will go thru and I'm finding out that it is one big painful process...please be good to yourself..and dump your tears here on this site...Bless you, Rochel

[Korina]

I have posted several times here about the guilt I feel. Could I have done something sooner, why didn't I save him, did he know I loved him, why didn't I stay with him in the hospital the night he lapsed and went on life support, and so on and so on and so on. Guilt is one of the worst part of this journey for me. But I can dump these feelings here anytime, and it helps. Keep posting.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

All I can add is my support, love, and prayers. I think the guilt is a "normal" part of grieving because I feel it too. If you think there are things that you didn't say, try writing letters or just speaking to him now. That's what I do. My loss is approaching the one month date and I talk to Brian all of the time. He too was my best friend. Grief is a journey we must all go through. Thankfully we have each other. Peace and blessings to you.

Linda

[Kat2005]

Thank you so much for responding. Your kind words have helped me. I think this is a good place to be. I think I will get alot of help with this terrible journey I am on.

[valley]

Kat,

I agree. This is a terrible journey. I am so sorry for your loss.

My husband also died from cancer, a complication from it. He dropped dead on the floor infront of me as we were busy trying to do everything we could medically to heal him. We always had hope. I suppose if he had died months later, in hospital, in pain, we would have both realized that he was actually not going to make it. We might have said different things to each other. I will never know. We did tell each other how much we loved one another. We always did that. Tom also always told his kids how proud he was of them and how much he loved them. So basically the main things were said.

But guilt! Yes, it seems so hard not to replay each move, each decision, each doctors appointment and think....we should have, we could have. I still let my mind go into this area of guilt and then I pull away. If we had only changed this or that....the outcome might have been different. I know in my heart I would have done anything to SAVE Tom.

Take care, be gentle now with yourself, and just handle today.

Valley