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This Was Supposed To Be Our Time


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Today was not a good day. All I did all day was think of those last days in the hospital. Tomorrow will be 4 months. It seems like yesterday. I am just not understanding why he had to be taken from me. I feel cheated. Our son just graduated from college and this was supposed be "our time" together but that will not be possible now. I get so angry sometimes I just want to scream. The future that we planned will not happen.

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself today. Thanks for listening.

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Hi Kat,

I am so sorry you are having a bad day and it is ok to feel sorry for yourself. All the emotions that you are feeling are part of the grieving process.When our loved one dies of course we feel cheated. I think it shows how much we loved them.It has been 14 months for me and I still don't understand why this had to happen but in my heart I know that it did and I have to accept that my husband is not physically with me but the love will never die because he will always be in my heart.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Kat

I also know and feel the pain of the 'lost future' and the promise of just 'tomorrow' doing ordinary things together. But I am not going to go down the 'why' track because there is no answer that will ever satisfy me.

That doesn't mean I have accepted it or come to terms with it, by any means. I simply still can't believe he is gone forever - my head knows it but I don't want it to be true.

I don't feel the need to apologise for feeling like I do. When we love someone and they are taken from us, we are truly a victim of horrendous circumstances and I know I'll be in a crisis and until I can find some way to move this raw hurt to a place where I can deal with it better.

Not sure when that will be but I really look forward to it happening. My thoughts are with you.

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Kat:

You aren't feeling sorry for yourself (and even if you were, WHO CARES???! you are going through a nightmare!). Your feelings seem to me to be perfectly reasonable, and certainly very familiar. And go ahead and scream - I scream into my pillow, if I have to, and use the bed as a punching bag - it tires a person out quite quickly, especially with the tears....

Take care,

Korina

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Oh, Kat, we are all here to listen to you. Of course it's not fair and you were cheated. I echo the other responses, let the tears flow as you need to. When you feel like screaming, scream. Apparently there is no way around this grief thing but to go right through it. I wish I had words of wisdom but I guess there really aren't any. Sending you hugs from Pennsylvaina.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Kat, I am so sorry that you have found yourself on this unwanted journey, but we are here for you ... it's fine to be angry. Of course you are angry ... you have had your heart and soulmate stolen from you. Your very world. You may also find yourself feeling guilt (which was my biggest demon) ... and feeling scared as well as unbelieving at times, occasionally questioning your own sanity, not to mention your faith and beliefs. Whatever you feel is okay ... (provided you don't hurt yourself or others physically, I think you can feel what you feel. No one else can tell you how it should be, or that what you feel is bad or wrong - this is YOUR loss and YOUR journey)

I'm at 9.5 months and have stopped bouncing around all those emotions that you initially experience constantly (for me for the first 5 months) ... then I simply stopped, and found I had less inner turmoil ... yet it made the pain the only thing that I had to focus on. It was at 5 months that I quesitoned my strength and felt panic. How did I get through it? I came here and wonderful friends such as KayC, Valley et al all told me that it was normal ... that I would be okay .... and I chose my emotion. Instead of panic, I told myself (aloud usually). Shhh, be still and it will pass. And it did.

Scream, break old china, rant, shout, sob ... get it out. Out is better than in.

xx

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Kat,

(((Big hugs))) you aren't doing anything the rest of us haven't done. No, we don't understand, how could we, it's so hard to come to terms with. I only know that after a few years, I quit wondering and asking and just accepted that this is how it is. We all feel the same about it, there are some things we just can't understand. I'm sorry you're missing him and hurting. We're here for you.

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