Yes...but.

[marsha]

Why is it everything I've done over the past 16 months seems negated by what I'm feeling now - and that's in the trough. Don't know what precipitated this one, I never know until I'm in it. But this morning I cried - thinking of those 4 months of cancer hell. The same thoughts and doubts enter my head - I know I couldn't have changed anything, but was I enough for Joe?? I have this nagging feeling that he was expecting me to..I don't know, save him? Be the perfect angel on earth for him? He sat across from me, a week before he died - he said "I don't feel like I'm dying." What the hell could I say? I knew it was a matter of time - I was so unbelievably scared, for both of us - heartbroken, praying constantly. Why is it I feel I need forgiveness? From Joe? From myself? Sorry, guys, I had to get this out. Hugs, Marsha

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Marsha, I wish that I had some words of wisdom. I'm new this site and this grief journey but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I guess as long as we are honest and accept the emotions we are feeling, we are doing the best that we can. Hugs to you from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[MartyT]

Marsha, dear, it really doesn't matter what precipitated your current grief attack; what matters is that you're feeling a need for forgiveness ~ and such feelings aren't always rational or deserved ~ they just are. Yesterday I read a series of articles having to do with guilt, regrets and forgiveness, all by Irene Kendig, that I think you may find helpful. You'll find them here:

How to Release Regret

Compassionate Self-Forgiveness, Part I

Compassionate Self-Forgiveness, Part 2

[kath]

Hi, Marsha.

Please don't think everything you have done is negated by how you are feeling now. I think we just go through those times of wanting it to not be so. We dreamed of a future with our spouses and cancer was not part of that dream. The times of doubt sneak up on us and it's still so incredulous to think that something, anything, couldn't have made this have a different outcome.

Lonliness is a terrible state to be in. It is those times that my "stinkin' thinkin" is at it's worst. I had a bonfire tonight and spent most of it by myself with my whole life running through my head...my life with Bob. If you really think, about all those times you had with Joe, I think you'll see your answer. You were enough for him. He loved you and you him.

I was fortunate early on to have attended a weekend for people who lost their spouses, either through death or divorce. It was called Beginning Experience, and one of the "sessions" was a role play where different counselors acted like different people in our lives. We were able to ask for forgiveness and forgive them if needed. It was amazingly powerful and really helped me to move past a lot of the guilt I had been carrying. It still creeps in, but luckily, the duration isn't as long. We miss our spouses. I think we tend to fill the gap with whatever we can to get through it, whether we deserve it or not. Go gentle on yourself, my friend. You have done so much, maintaining your deli and all your journeling. It is such a hard trek. Don't give up now. That would be the real injustice to Joe.

Love you,

Kath

[Boo Mayhew]

Oh Marsha, it's awful isn't it .... you are kind of swimming along and the current isn't too strong, then you get hit by a tsunami out of nowhere .... and suddenly you are gulping for air .... I think we gradually adjust to being here without them ... but after a while those primal feelings are still really there, and will come back to visit us. It's physical almost - the shock of it - isn't it?

Remember my mantra:

Breath. Breath. Be still and it will pass.

Love you

xx

[marsha]

Thank you, Linda, Kath and Boo - this morning the wave has abated, in no small part to your loving words and to Marty's thought provoking articles (thank you, Marty!). I'm not giving up - I'm too damn stubborn. Sometimes, though, I need to sit on my behind, cry my eyes out, and take a breather. And when it's overwhelming, I've got to write it out. I went for a walk on the beach this morning, 30 mph winds, I was getting sandblasted - but I stayed to watch 3 windsurfers leap on the waves, fly the surf so fast - it was like a gift to watch them. Day to day...Hugs to all, Marsha

[Korina]

Marsha:

I am glad the tidal wave has abated. I know my feelings of guilt haven't settled, yet. Still working on them, and taking it one day at a time.

Hugs,

Korina

[marsha]

Korina - try reading the articles Marty posted - gives one something to think about. Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Thinking of you Marsha.

Glad that today was better than yesterday for you. Me too. I have been down lately and crying more and yelling and longing and wondering why I keep stumbling into this pit. But today, at least for now, I have crawled back up and feel brave enough to take on a new day.

We are proud of you Marsha...all you have coped so well with. Joe would be proud of you too.

Onward,

Valley