Rochel Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Today was a very emotional day...I asked 2 of my dear friends to help me to scatter Bob's ashes under his favorite tree...Extremely difficult but it was finally accomplished...We prayed, listened to music (his favorite) and circled the tree opened the box...and let them be scattered...I did a little bit and my friend Anita scattered all the rest..while Kathy helped hold me up...It hit me so hard and now I feel like I have a sinus headache...Another closure that had to happen and you get so mad because...there are such a whole gambit of things that have to be done...another ripping away of the one-flesh relationship the husbands and wives enjoy....I loved being Bob's wife and it is so difficult being a whatever we are being when you become a widow...I hate that word...Why have we become widows and widowers when we gave our blood, sweat and tears to our loved ones...It doesn't seem fair...I'm glad that you are all here to help me thru this..and I will be glad to catch you when you fall...we all need to support one another...Thanks for being here...Love to you all...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singledad2 Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Rochel, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It's been nearly 18 months, and we have yet to scatter Julie's ashes. Though the timing is based on something not emotion-related, I am not looking forward to that task. As for the widow/widower moniker, I think the word sounds absolutely terrible because it matches the feeling of the ones now owning that title. Each time I have to fill out some form or application, I still can't believe I have to check that box. Inside I'm used to brushing right past that, or even not noticing that it's there. For a split second, I think 'no that's not me, that's a title that my grandfather would have.' Then reality slaps me right in the face and I remember that it is indeed my status. I know that it sucks losing your spouse at any age, but being the dreaded 'W' word when you are attending your son's grade school concert is so surreal. I don't know if that churning inside will ever go away when having to claim my marital status. Even if I re-marry some day, seeing that classification available will likely always produce that 'kick in the gut' feeling. It's good you have people close by to help you through rough days like today. You truly learn the commitment of friends who are willing to help hold you together during your most vulnerable times. Just as you offer your assistance to all who enter the sanctum of the HOV forum, please know that we return that offer just as quickly and willingly. SD2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Oh, Rochel, I'm sending hugs and love to you on this very difficult day. We are all walking a journey we wish we never had to experience but one which we cannot avoid. I am thankful that you had such wonderful friends with you today. This is where I see God working in our losses -- the angels who will literally hold us up when we are unable to stand on our own. You are right that what we are all experiencing is not fair. It's not fair to us and it certainly isn't fair to our beloved spouses or significant others. I will always believe that my Brian was cheated. He had so much more life to live. We had so many dreams and hopes for our future. Many days I'm not sure how I am going to continue to go on without him. Most of the time I no longer know who I am. But, I keep trying because that is what Brian would want me to do. And, I know that he is still with me and our love will last forever and always. Walk gently, my friend. Take care of yourself and honor all the emotions which come your way. Cherish the memories you have of Bob and all that he meant to you. He lives on in your heart and your soul. Take one small step at a time. This is the only way we can get through our grief process. I'm hear to listen whenever you need me. I understand your loss as it mirrors my own. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kat2005 Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Rochel, I am so sorry that you had such a difficult day. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. When you have such good friends like you do it does make it alittle bit easier. It is so nice to have someone to lean on when you need them most. I too have a difficult time with filling forms out. I really didn't give it much thought till I had to check the box for widow. I actually checked the married box and then realized that I checked the wrong one. Another thing I have a hard time hearing is a "single parent" family. You are right this is not fair. I would like to thank you. You have helped me so much with your kind words of encourgement. I am only 4 months into this journey and I can't give too much advice because I'm still new at this but I will be hear to listen whenever you need someone. Take care, Kat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 The label 'widow' is just so foreign - it isn't reality, yet. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Dear Rochel, The tearing of the flesh will subside after a while. That separation, losing our "married" title seems so unfair. After dedicating our lives to partnering and caring for our spouses, it shouldn't have to stop so abrubtly, on paperwork of all things. In my heart, I will always be Bob's wife. When I talk about him, I say we knew each other for almost thirty years, even though he died after 27. Our relationship continues because he is in my constant thought and prayers. He guides my decisions and I still feel his presence in my children, my home, my photos, my soul and in the ring on my hand. All I ever wanted to be was his wife. To find a new identity in all this, is just too much burden. You took a giant step in spreading your Bob's ashes. It may seem like a gut-wrenching closure, but it doesn't have to be. It is the beginning of seeing with new eyes. That is what this journey is all about. Take good care, Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Oh, Rochel, I'm sending hugs and love to you on this very difficult day. We are all walking a journey we wish we never had to experience but one which we cannot avoid. I am thankful that you had such wonderful friends with you today. This is where I see God working in our losses -- the angels who will literally hold us up when we are unable to stand on our own. You are right that what we are all experiencing is not fair. It's not fair to us and it certainly isn't fair to our beloved spouses or significant others. I will always believe that my Brian was cheated. He had so much more life to live. We had so many dreams and hopes for our future. Many days I'm not sure how I am going to continue to go on without him. Most of the time I no longer know who I am. But, I keep trying because that is what Brian would want me to do. And, I know that he is still with me and our love will last forever and always. Walk gently, my friend. Take care of yourself and honor all the emotions which come your way. Cherish the memories you have of Bob and all that he meant to you. He lives on in your heart and your soul. Take one small step at a time. This is the only way we can get through our grief process. I'm hear to listen whenever you need me. I understand your loss as it mirrors my own. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Thank you Linda...what a beautiful letter...I still do not know how to put a photo on this forum...do you...??? I keep reading the Grief book in hopes that something will change with my sadness...when I come here I read, post and sometimes feel better and sometimes worse...but all the time I feel heard and loved...we are all in the same boat and the Lord is pulling us along...I keep myself so busy sometimes that I'm really worn out... but when you stop, then you hear the quiet and it is deafening...Love to you Dear Linda...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Rochel, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It's been nearly 18 months, and we have yet to scatter Julie's ashes. Though the timing is based on something not emotion-related, I am not looking forward to that task. As for the widow/widower moniker, I think the word sounds absolutely terrible because it matches the feeling of the ones now owning that title. Each time I have to fill out some form or application, I still can't believe I have to check that box. Inside I'm used to brushing right past that, or even not noticing that it's there. For a split second, I think 'no that's not me, that's a title that my grandfather would have.' Then reality slaps me right in the face and I remember that it is indeed my status. I know that it sucks losing your spouse at any age, but being the dreaded 'W' word when you are attending your son's grade school concert is so surreal. I don't know if that churning inside will ever go away when having to claim my marital status. Even if I re-marry some day, seeing that classification available will likely always produce that 'kick in the gut' feeling. It's good you have people close by to help you through rough days like today. You truly learn the commitment of friends who are willing to help hold you together during your most vulnerable times. Just as you offer your assistance to all who enter the sanctum of the HOV forum, please know that we return that offer just as quickly and willingly. SD2 Dear SD2, I bet it is hard for you to put single dad...I'm glad that I made that next step however, today there is no purpose again and I have to be a self starter....very difficult...one foot in front of the other...I hope that you have a good support group or system that you can run to...It is a "kick in the gut" feeling...Hope your day has a bright spot...bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Thank you Linda...what a beautiful letter...I still do not know how to put a photo on this forum...do you...??? I keep reading the Grief book in hopes that something will change with my sadness...when I come here I read, post and sometimes feel better and sometimes worse...but all the time I feel heard and loved...we are all in the same boat and the Lord is pulling us along...I keep myself so busy sometimes that I'm really worn out... but when you stop, then you hear the quiet and it is deafening...Love to you Dear Linda...Rochel Good morning, Rochel, I tried several times to put a pic of Brian and me on this site but it didn't work. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Your post mirrors what I'm feeling and doing. I keep reading and searching for a "cure" which will make this intense sadness go away -- if even for a short while. I turn to God and ask for relief and I constantly ask Brian to give me the strength to go on. He was my foundation in life and I really need him to be my strengh even though he's not physically present. I also try to keep busy -- work, school, seeing friends and family. I don't like being home alone too much because I hear the silence, look at pictures, and become devastated over and over. But, now I am feeling exhausted. Take good care of yourself, my friend. Keep pouring out your pain on this site. We are listening and we are offering you love and support. Somehow we will get through this together. We understand each other's grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Rochel: To add your photo, I believe you: 1. Click on your name in the top right hand corner of the screen. 2. Click on 'Profile' 3. Click on 'Edit Profile' 4. Click on either 'Change Photo', or 'Change Avatar'. I am not sure which. I put my photo in both. I hope this helps/works. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 Korina...you have the best photo on here cause Scott is up close and personal...I always feel comforted by your photo...I can't seem to find one without so many pixels whatever that means...I guess I will have to keep trying...Thanks, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 8, 2009 Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 Thank you, Rochel - I have that picture in a frame, as well, but I have not yet been able to put it out in the living room. And I believe I ran into that problem, but somehow I was able to reduce the size of the JPEG, through Windows Media, I believe (that is what I use to manage my photos). If I can figure it out again, I will let you know. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 8, 2009 Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 Rochel - a heart wrenching day for you, I know. When I had Joe's memorial, 3 months after he died, I couldn't spread all of his ashes, just some, in the ocean, at which point I was tempted to jump in myself. The bulk are still here on my mantle. On the one year anniversary, his kids (in California) and me, (in NC), spread more of his ashes in the Pacific and Atlantic. Joe loved the ocean, so I figure there's an arm there and a leg here (sorry, gallows humor). But I know when I walk the beach, I look out and can almost see him out there, in the waves. Hugs and peace, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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