Weekends . . . .

[LindaKoz]

Brian and I used to look forward to the weekends. Usually we had something fun and exciting that we wanted to do. But even if we had no plans, we still had fun together. Now, I can't wait for the weekend to be over. Yesterday morning I was doing some homework for my class and my mind began to believe on some level that Brian waas at work (he was a letter carrier so he worked most Saturdays). I guess I tricked myself into believing all was "normal" and that he would be home after work. Of course the realization that he would not be coming home hit me and my emotions became overwhelming. I cried a lot yesterday. I screamed and yelled at the injustice. How can I continue to make it through the days which used to be our favorite? I struggle to do anything more that I absolutely have to do. Today I wish I could just sleep the entire day away because then I don't have to think. I don't have to remember. This grief journey is so hard and I am so tired. It seems like any small progress I make can be erased by the sadness which permeates throughout my entire soul. There is no where to run. There is no where to hide. Reality follows me wherever I go. And the memories I cherish continue to torment me. I know six weeks is a short time to have processed the trauma of this shocking loss but it is a long time to live without the man I love.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[marsha]

Linda - weekends are harder, most definitely, because it was generally the time that we spent with our SO's. Joe died on a Tuesday - right before July 4th weekend. I remember working on the Saturday after, and after closing, just sitting there, not knowing what the heck to do with myself. Normally he would have been waiting for me on the beach, and we'd sit and watch the waves - I would read, and he would nap. It was the most G-d awful feeling to feel that void - the wrenching feeling of loss was indescribable. You're doing what you need to be doing right now, and if screaming, yelling, crying, posting, help, do it. My heart goes out to you! Hugs, Marsha

[azusaman]

Yeah Linda, I'm really finding that out too. Been 2-1/2 months for me and this weekend has been particularly hard. I had my daughter-in-law over to take some of Adrianne's clothes and it became too much for me. After she left I just grieved so deeply..I didn't think there was a lower level that I could go to, but I went there. I hope this is the basement level for me, but I don't know. Best to you,

Ted

[LindaKoz]

Hi Ted,

I'm so sorry that we all have to experience this deep sadness. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I want to run away but I know that the pain and the sorrow will follow me. I just want some peace. I want answers to questions which really have no answers. I want to know that Brian is okay and at peace. In my heart I know that he is with God but my a lot of really irrational thoughts enter my mind. Does he know that I love him and I will miss him for the rest of my life? Did I make him happy enough? I really do know that the answer to this is yes because he used to look at me and ask how he got so lucky to have me in his life. But I also know that I was the lucky one. Brian was so kind and humble. I imaginge he was amazed at how full the church was for his Celebration of Life service. He was an incredible songwriter and guitar player but he never thought he was that good. And, he truly played his songs for God -- not for applause or attention. He walked humbly and gently with God. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, and the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. What do I do now? How can I go on for the rest of my life without him? Some days I wish that God had called me home instead. Other times I wish we had been called together. Mostly I just want him back. Thanks for listening and for understanding.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Rochel]

Hi Linda,

I too had a rough weekend....I thought I would never stop crying Friday and Saturday...I realized what I liked about my husband the most was that he liked most anything I did...my looks, what I did around the house, cooking, etc; and a lot of what I did was to get his approval...I think that me wanting that approval is what has tripped me up so much lately...like I'm not worth much without him, but I remembered a message I heard on the radio...our mates are not who defines us, it is God who defines us and He doesn't make junk...When I think of the word "wife" vs "widow" wife seems like it is a person that is valued...Now, I have to change something in my head that I'm the same person and I am valued without Bob in my life...It is so hard to think that way, but for me and my sanity, I have to move from this low self esteem and value who I am...without the love of my life cheering me on...Very difficult, but with God's help I have to do it to get out of this heaviness...I pray for all of you to find out what makes you valuable...

Also Ted, Adrianne would be very proud of you for taking such a difficult step in getting some of her clothes out of the house...I still can't bring myself to do this...I'm so glad that there is not right or wrong way to do this..and if anybody tells you how to grief then you are going to have to "hit" them...figuratively speaking of course...I hope this is the basement level for you too...I'm so glad that we are all here for eachother...hugs from Arizona....Rochel

Blessings, Rochel

[kath]

Dear Rochel and Linda,

It takes a very long time to work through all of this as you are finding out. I really hated losing my "wife" status and abhorred the title of widow. But now, I'm really listening to the stories of the Bible and hearing the value of widows as they are held in high esteem by God. The lessons they teach are often of hardship and suffering, yet their capacity to love and to give is extraordinary. Something good needs to come from all of this, and if it is the ability to understand, or even share this knowledge with others that are grieving, helps to lessen the stigma of being a widow. I've come to the conclusion that it is a much nicer option to check widow than single. Widow gives me a stature of loving someone until death. If it is our jobs as spouses to help each other reach heaven, we have done our jobs well. When you are ready, and you have gained some energy and momentum back, you will be a blessing to those put in your path. For now, walk gently, my friends and take care of yourself. It takes a very long time to heal a broken heart, but you are and always will be valued for who you are and what you have been through.

Love,

Kath

[LindaKoz]

Sadly, I cannot say I am a "widow." Brian and I met 3 1/2 years ago and planned to marry in August of 2011. Although we lived together, marrying earlier would have had financial my son is in college) and emotional ramifications (blended family / irrational ex-wife) so we were going slowly. Six months after we met, he asked me if I would become his wife when we were ready. A year later he bought me a beautiful ring and called it my "I will love you forever and always ring." In know that in our eyes and in the eyes of God we were totally committed to one another. I was more of a wife to him in 3 1/2 years than his wife had been in the many years they were married. But I'm still considered single in the eyes of the law. While I'm not a person to really be concerned about "labels" I was looking forward to the day when Brian and I would be married because we would have stood before our family and friends and pledged to love one another for always. I know that our friends and family could see how much we loved each other -- I've been told this mamy times since Brian passed away. It just hurts that so many of our hopes and dreams were cut short.

I understand that someday this devestating loss will help me in whatever ministry God calls me to (I'm currently a seminary student). I know that walking this grief journey will deepen my compassion and empathy toward others who will walk through these shadows. It's just so hard to be in this dark place right now. I waited so long to find Brian and after four days of being sick, he's gone. I'll carry on because of my son, Brian's children and grandchildren, my faith in God, and my need to honor Brian. But it is just so difficult right now.

Thanks for all the continued love and support. Hugs to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Rochel]

Hi Kath,

Wow, I just reaqd your letter and it blessed me so much...I will read what the Bible says about widows...and I'm sure widowers are in there too...I know that God is our husband now and he will see us through these very rough times...I will be relocating to Calif. the end of the month and having this website to take with me, I feel better about leaving....your letter hits home as far as how we are to value ourselves as widows and widowers...I think further in this healing I will get my compassion back for others....I used to be right there for the hurts of others, but since I am licking my own wounds I'm out of commission....I know that God wants all of us to be there for others...but He also knows that we all need to heal...I will be so gald when I happily greet the morning like I used to...I just ordered the book that Boo mentioned entitled "Hurry Up and Grieve" I know that we cannot, but maybe there are some things that I can learn....Thanks again for your sweet and wise reply...Bless you, Rochel

[Rochel]

Hi Linda,

I hear your heart and I know that you loved Brian like a wife and your pain is just as real as all of us are experiencing...your heart has been broken also....Our children are so dear especially at this time...I hope that you and your son had a good visit...I notice that after people are all around me and I'm preoccupied with them, then the grief is on hold..after my friends left on Friday I had a really hard time with feeling sorry for myself...I realize that when I get this way, I can't control my pain...It is awful and it is like a runaway train...I'm glad that you are going to go to your first grief group on Thurs...don't put this off, you will be glad that you went...I'm also glad that your big heart will be out ministering to others when the time is right..why do we have to suffer such pain to give to others...Did you read Kath's letter??? Even though you are not a widow, you loved "Well" and that is what is important and you and Brian made others feel comforted...and you loved him straight to Heaven.....His family is blessed to have you, you have a lot to pass on to them.....Bless your day, Rochel

[Fredzgirl]

Dear Linda,

Fred and I never married either. When I "check the box" I am checking "divorced" because I was married prior to meeting Fred. In my heart, I'm a widow. There was a lot of discussion among my children and Fred's when Fred died four months ago. The conclusion was and is that we were family no matter how the courts saw it.

Our grief has nothing to do with titles. For the first three months, I could hardly get through a Wednesday (he died on a Wednesday) and Sunday nights for some reason were very tough. After four months, it's a little easier. Unfortunately we all process this grief differently and there is no guarantee that you will feel better at four months. But for me, I've worked on changing my feeling of loss into something else. Now, I focus on his love surrounding me and how my life was so improved by the time I spent with him. I still cry now again, usually it's self-pity. I don't miss him so much because he's just here with me. It's different but good.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Fredzgirl

[LindaKoz]

Thanks. Today is a better day in some aspects. I was reading about prayer last night and realized that sometimes my prayer is more like a one-sided dialogue with God. Instead I need to open my heart and allow God to search for my pain and then hopefully healing can begin. I've been trying to recite "God give me peace" as my prayer. It has helped a bit. I'm not quite as sad today.

What is hurting today is the fact that my son has flu symptoms. He came home from college over the weekend and yesterday afternoon started feeling achey and tired. He now has a sore throat and a fever and has been sleeping most of the day. I stayed home from work because I got really scared even though he is 20. Brian had flu symptoms when he got sick and he told me he would be fine after a few days. Sadly he also had some type of infection in his leg which he didn't connect with how bad he was feeling. The infection is what took his life. I just need to be with Kevin to make sure he is ok. My irrational guilt tells me that I should have done this with Brian . . . but I know that I encouraged him to call the doctor and he really thought he would be ok. I keep trying to give the guilt away but at unexpected moments it comes back to me. I did talk about this with my counselor.

Thanks again for listening. I'm trying to walk this grief journey the only way that I can, one moment at a time.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[derby]

Linda,

your words have had powerful meaning,expressing care, kindness and love to myself and I am sure to many others. As you have lifted me up in prayer many times, I now do that for you, my friend, as well as your son. Blessings, Debbie