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Why is it after 6 weeks there are those that think my 22 years old son needs to move on????? Not usually one to get upset at my Dad, but today I shared with him that my son had a sad day yesterday. His response was that he would "have a talk with him about moving on." I am so angry right now. Why can't people educate themseleves on the grief process and understand if we don't deal with it now, it could cause problems in the future? I tried to help my Dad understand, but no way can you win with him. I love him dearly, but he has no clue. Derek is going out and just left for holiday with friends. SO what if he has a bad/sad day. His Dad was his best friend as well as his father. Another reason for me to really think about moving as far as I can get from here after a year has passed. Sorry, needed to vent. Debbie

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Hi Debbie,

It saddens me to learn that this was your Dad's responses. A lot of people do seem to have different ideas about this grief journey. I hope that by grieving authentically I can teach others that there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. For me, tears are necessary as is talking about Brian. Of course your son is going to have sad days. He should not be discouraged from showing his grief. We are all trying desperately to heal our broken hearts and to find a new way to live. At the grief seminar I attended this morning the difference between moving on and moving foward was lifted up. Moving on can be construed as leaving our loved ones behind. Moving forward (slowly, one step at a time), means we carry them in our hearts and we take our memories with us into the future. But, it won't happen over night. It happens as we do the grief work and I honestly believe it is work. It's hard. Sometimes we slide backwards. And it will take a long, long time because our love was so great.

I continue to hold you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Peace, love, and blessings,


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Debbie, I'm so sorry this happened to you ~ and coming from your father, I'm sure it cut you to the core. It certainly speaks to the fact that we all have a lot of educating to do, doesn't it? I don't know if you're of a mind to do so, but if you think it would help, you might consider printing out these articles, and giving them to your father to read. (If you like, you can tell him that your grief counselor suggested that you do so ;)):

Helping Another in Grief

Common Myths, Misconceptions about Grief

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning

Words of Comfort

Words to Avoid

Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

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My oldest sister (seventeen years older) slapped my daughter less than a week after her beloved grandmother's death. Snap out of it! She suggested EMDR. Five weeks later Ingrid was in the hospital with her first manic episode.

My story is so dramatic I fear I will be expelled should I write about it. And so long ago. Perhaps I can serve as an example of failing to transcend the events of Nov. 17, 1998. We were on our way home from my deeply, dearly beloved Uncle Bill's funeral, and Mom was feeling ill. I took her to the toilet and ... I still worry when people take a long time in public restrooms.

My mother and my uncle were extremely close. They died exactly one week apart, almost to the minute. My daughter did CPR on her dead Grammy the last 45 minutes of the bumpy dive into Denver.

My sisters were sitting in the front of the plane. They never came back to look at Mom. My oldest sister hissed, several times, "What did you do to her?" I felt, I feel, that her adoring brother just lifted her off the plane. From his mouth to God's ear, perhaps. Dad suffered; I had to be grateful that Mom's exit was swift. I was so overwhelmed by subsequent events ... clearing out the farm they had worked together for sixty years, my daughter's hospitalization and recovery, my recent divorce ... I just kept thinking she was with the angels. I still think so.

Just after, I spoke with an old friend, a devout Christian, who was horrified by my suggestion that my mother was simply "taken up." Who do you think she was? she said. An Old Testament saint? That's blasphemy!

I adored my uncle, and my mother, who was my partner in so many ventures, including caring for Dad. My uncle and my mother were my best friends.

I am here because I've just returned from four years teaching in Europe. It's hard to come home to a home I don't recognize. Denver is the next L.A. Boulder has changed beyond all recognition. I wonder if the farm is covered with houses. I don't like to go back home. My little town of 1500 town and country folk is well over 20,000. Things change, Kundun.

I read this at my mother's memorial, a favorite of hers and mine. I carry her heart in my heart. Her heart is my heart.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings


Grieving takes place in episodes, in my experience. I'm grieving far more than my mother, but my life tilted on that plane, and I've never really stood upright again.


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These articles are great, Marty. But your own words are very dear to me: those who love deeply grieve deeply, to paraphrase. However belatedly, I have much to learn from you and everyone else here. Thank you for helping us.

When my daughter was twelve, one of her classmates was killed in a bus accident on a school trip here in Boulder. Kevin was Rosie's only child, and she runs a grief group here in Boulder. I admire both of you. Thank you.


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How sad Debbie, when I'm around these type of people, I give them a wide berth immediately...I had somebody tell me the other day that "God wouldn't want me to keep grieving like this"...How do they know what God wants...Your dad is from the "old school", that your son should just "buck up, and be a man"...bull!!!!, I think it is great that your 22 year old son is allowing those feelings to come out...hopefully, he can be with his friends and really let it out...I like your venting, keep doing it...Bless your Sunday..Rochel

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You have to experience this journey. I was talking to one of my younger cousins the other day, I told him that I don't know when and if I will ever get over loosing Pat. He said, that maybe I should just pick a date to stop grieving. I had to chuckle .... if it was only that easy. I also feel that our parents were brought up in a society where they kept their emotions to themselves. Grieving was done in private. I know when my dad died I really didn't see my mom grieve. I know that she did but she never did it in front of my sister and me. I think people are more open to there feeling nowadays and are not afraid to seek help if they need it. That is why I am so greatful for the wonderful people that are on this sight. I feel I can express exactly what I am feeling and I will get such wonderful advice. Hopefully, all this makes sense. Like Steely, I have a hard time putting what I want to say into words. Again, thanks for being there for me. :wub:

Take care,


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Hi Kat,

I'm guessing if I have to pick a date when my grieving will be over, it will be the day that God calls me home and I am back in Brian's arms. I try to ignore the comments of people who don't understand and gravitate to those who listen to me, cry with me, and talk about Brian. Fortunately I have a great circle of friends from my faith community who were close to Brian. Many of them are still grieving. Brian played in our Praise Band and today I had a conversation with the drummer. He thinks about Brian every day and doesn't understand how he could have been taken away from us so quickly and so suddenly. He wants to start a memorial scholarship in Brian's memory for youth in our church who participate in our music program or want to study music. I felt so honored that he came up with this idea. It's so moving to know that our friends want to keep Brian's memory alive.

Maybe we can teach others that grieving doesn't have to be done in private. Maybe we can show others that each of us grieve in our own unique way. I don't want to be on this journey but I don't seem to have a choice. I guess if I can help others, there will be some small purpose.

Kat, you do a fine job of expressind what you are feeling. I can hear you pain and I know that it comes from the deep love you feel. Thanks for continuing to share. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for caring. Hugs.

Peace, love, and blessings,


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Ditto to what everyone has said (especially Rochel! :P ). Your Dad is set in his ways, and it may not be productive for either of you to try and discuss it. Maybe, if he sees that you and your son are healing by expressing your feelings freely, he may understand on his own...?

Take care.


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