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Good morning all,

Just wanted to share an experience I had yesterday. Cost me 20$ and 20 minutes. While continuing with tradition yesterday, Black Friday shopping, I stopped in at one of the little shops that offer 20 minute massages for 20$. Felt so good to have some of my tension worked out. Just enough time that I could relax, short enough time that I could hold it together. Did something just for me and it was worth every penny. I was told by a Dr that our immune system can be weakened while we are working through grief and we can be more likely to have injuries partly in fact of being so tense. Just know it helped me sleep last night and relax, if only for a short time. I looked at it as if it were a co-pay for a Dr. visit. That helped ease my mind about spending the money and getting off track on my budget. Which by the way, I don't really enjoy this whole new budget thing! Blessings to all. Debbie

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Hi Deb.

Since my Scott went to heaven, I have been getting massages twice a month. Scott used to rub my back every single night until I fell asleep (yes, I know how blessed I was) The massages have helped me sleep, heal and yes, even grieve. The first few, I cried the entire time but that was healing too. I reminds us to drink water, to slow down, to feel and to not ignore our pain like the outside world is expecting us to do. I recommend everyone to try this. You can pay more in prescriptions, co-pays and missed time at work all due to grief, so to me it is so worth it.

I used to drag Scott out with me to black friday shopping at 4-5 every year and he did so with a cup of strong coffee and a kiss as it was import to me and he was my best friend. This year, I could not do it as I would be in the mall, by myself, in the dark hysterically crying. So, I waited until it was light and then I went. While I was shopping, I passed a salon, I walked in and asked them to wash and dry my hair and gosh that was the best thing I did. I have long hair and it felt so nice to relax for a minute, drink my water and have someone else dry and style my hair. It was the best 20.00 I spent yesterday and I felt better.

I guess it is all about putting the focus on ourselves so we can continue to move on and give to our families through these hard, difficult times. My heart is so broken without my very very best friend and I am trying so hard to honor him and be a good mom to our boys. Some days I feel so so completely alone in this world! We decorated every space in this big house and this year I just don't care and don't want to do anything but put a tree up. A tree that will be dedicated to Scott and our lives together.

I am so comforted by the love that each of you share on this site. We all have so many similarities in the love we shared. There are so many others out there that don't even appreciate their spouses and what they have.

My love and blessings to all of you and thank you for your post Debbie

Laurie

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Hi Debbie & Laurie,

My Pastoral Counselor suggested I go for a massage and she gave me the name of a woman who does massage plus energy work. I'm still considering the idea. Then last week my Spiritual Director asked me what I have done for myself since Brian passed away. I couldn't come up with an answer. I guess I've been so focused on the grieving that I haven't considered taking the time, energy, or money to do something special for me. I am at the beach for a few days so I guess that counts since it is peaceful and healing. I think when I go back home I'm going to schedule that massage and perhaps get a manicure / pedicure. I'm not sure I want to go alone so maybe I'll see if one of my sisters or a friend will go with me. Tears still come at surprising times so I want to be prepared.

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you as we walk this grief journey and try to make some small sense of the new lives which we have to live. Thanks for sharing and for understanding. We do not walk alone.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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I think these are all wonderful ideas. We have a hot tub because Adrianne also had rheumatoid arthritis and we loved getting in it at 5:00am. Now it is hard for me to think about getting into it alone. The massages sound terrific but being a man, I would not want another man giving me a massage. Now here's the rub (pun intended), If a female does it, I'm afraid there would be some sexual arousal going on. Now I know that no one has brought this subject up because it is supposed to be too soon, too much grief and other excuses, but, I don't know about the rest of you but but I still have desires and they didn't die with Adrianne. Another female poster who is absent at this time (hi Rochel) suggested I bring the topic up. So let's hear it from the rest of you if you dare.

Best,

Ted

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I dare. In one of the books I am reading, it does in fact bring up the topic. I feel its like everything else we are going through. What one person may need or be ready for, others may or may not need that component in their lives just quite yet and for others it may be important. My opinion is that we all have to do what we are ready for. (It's supposed to be good for stress.) The Author stresses the point when and if ( long time from now most likely) we do seek sex in a relationship it's a different set of safety rules than when I was younger. Debbie

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Ok . . I dare, too. I am 48 years old so I have no illusions that some day I will have physical desires again. But, it's way too soon for me. I cannot even imagine being with somebody other than Brian. It would hurt too much and I would feel I was being unfaithful. I think there would be a lot of guilt so I'll be patient and wait for more healing. One of the dreams I had about Brian recentlyl was of an intimate nature. When I woke up I was able to feel his love for me. I guess for me intimacy involves more than just physical release it's also about connecting my soul to someone I love. I don't know whatthe future will hold and for now I try not to look too far ahead.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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I didn't mean to imply that it was ok to go out and start actively pursuing a sexual relationship. But I couldn't do the massage thing right now because of the temptation. Debbie and Linda, thank you for being honest and frank about the subject. I was a little worried that MartyT would give me the boot, but I guess it's ok to talk about. I just did the Jacuzzi by myself and it felt wonderful....lots of good memories of Adrianne.

Best to all of you,

Ted

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Oh, Ted, I'm so glad to hear that you relaxed in the jacuzzi with your loving memories of Adrianne. I'm sitting here watching the water on the bay. Going to take one more walk on the beach before I head home. I know it will be a sad return. I wish I could stay at the beach forever. It's peaceful and I can feel Brian's presence (he was a beach lover). Thanks for continuing to share this grief journey with me. I am blessed by your support and compassion. Hugs.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Ted,

I feel pretty much like Linda. Right now I would feel like I would be cheating on Pat. I do miss the hugs though. He was always a hugger. Right now my memories are all that I need. I don't know what the future holds but I will just take it one day at a time for now.

Take care,

Kat

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Linda, wishing you a safe journey home. Your time away sounded lovely and special.

These relaxation ideas are wonderful. I'm back to doing the mani/pedi thing and it is nice to do something for myself and enjoy the pampering.

Ted, it's a great day here for a jacuzzi. I may do that too actually. Thanks for the idea. As for the sex topic, Friends with benefits. He is a widower 2.5 years out (he's 52) and I'm just over a year (I'm 47). We've known eachother for 20 years so I didn't just run out and find a partner..lol. We have a standing sex date or two each week and we're both very happy with the arrangement. It works for us but I realize it isn't for everyone and I do know that people have very strong opinions on this but I always say that until you're in my shoes.....

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Can I throw in my 2 cents? Ted, if you had the masseuse I have, you wouldn't have to worry about being aroused - because a deep tissue massage hurts! (in a good way). I had 24 years of committed love with Joe. Before I met him, I had 10 years of intense partying (child of the 70's). So, having done the sex with benefits thing, and the married loyal thing - and after 17 months of widowhood, I've come to know myself. I look back and know that I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag, nevermind pursuing a relationship. It would have been detrimental to me, and not fair to the other person. So.. short of hiring a professional, self gratification is the key. I'm 53, (not dead yet!) and if anything's going to happen, it'll be when I'm ready, and not before. That's my 2 cents - hugs, marsha

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Marsha, your 2 cents is great advice, especially the part about it being detrimental to you and not fair to the other person. I loved being loyal to Adrianne and I know she was to me. Don't know if I'm ready to get killed (in a good way) by your masseuse yet but I'll keep it in mind.

Best,

Ted

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The story goes when he was young and playing in a "juke joint" down is Mississippi, it was winter and the only thing they had to heat the place was a pot-bellied stove. A fight broke out between a couple of guys and they knocked the stove over causing a fire in the place. Everyone got out safely but B. B. ran back in to rescue his guitar. The two men were fighting over a lady named Lucille, so that's what he calls his guitar to this day.

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Marsha,I'll just add one more thing to this discussion. I will be 67 on the 15th of Dec. but....gotta watch those buts....my sexual drive hasn't diminished hardly at all over the years. I think it's in the genes. My brother lost his wife 2 years ago and they were both 77 at the time and still had an active sex life. Because of all of Adrianne's health issues, we weren't intimate the last couple of years so I think that leaves me vulnerable. The big thing for me is the morality of sex outside of marriage. Maybe I'll change my mind at some point if I have a relationship with someone, but for now, I don't think so. Is this too explicit?

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Ted - no, this is not too explicit at all. First, let me just say that we're all very much in the same place in the early stages of grief - it's the later on when our past, our personalities come into play in how we then deal with it. Personally, I'm in no place to, nor would I, judge anyone on choices made. I can only speak for myself, and how I feel. For me, it's not just about sex for sex's sake anymore - been there, know what it's like, don't want to do it. It's been a long haul, emotionally, and it ain't over, yet. If I had taken the step to start a relationship, any kind of intimate relationship, it would have derailed what I HAD to do, grief wise. It took over a year just to get over the shock, and I didn't realize it until I looked back to where I was. Am I lonely? Yes, but for Joe only - anyone else would be a poor replacement. Do I feel? Of course - I'm as human as everyone else here. I'm just workin' it out, day by day, until I can figure out who I am. Then, maybe...Off my soapbox now - Hugs, Marsha

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Gosh, I must be so far behind all of you in my journey of healing. It has been 8 months since I lost Scott and I am 48 years old. The thought of any other man touching me makes me want to vomit!! Getting a massage from a woman as wide as she is tall is just a healing, spiritual 50 minutes for me. I pray the entire time and think about Scott. My 22 years with him was everything to me and we had a wonderful relationship .. in all areas!! and I will never find that again. The combination of physical, mental and spiritual is a "once in a lifetime" for me. It took us all 22 years to work at, and improve on!! :rolleyes: . I agree that we were all young and that physical didn't need the emotional but it sure does now and when you have had the best, it can't be recreated.

The loneliness is just horrendous and that pain is just debilitating some days but I am in no way going to sell myself short or the relationship that I had just to think it will somehow make me feel better. It just isn't me. I do understand that we are all different, have had different relationships, different lengths of those relationships and have different needs. I am in no way judging anyone, it just isn't me... for today.

Thank you all for you brutal honesty as this was a good topic for me.

Laurie

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I keep intending to get a massage - a lot of tension in my shoulders and neck. And a good friend is a terrific RMT - actually, Scott always said he was afraid to go to her because she might hurt him - hahah (she is very strong and excellent at deep tissue massage). At any rate, I should go and get the tension worked out, and I am also feeling a recurring compressed nerve area that in the past has put me into major pain for weeks at a time... I just have to find someone to watch the baby for an hour (this has been my excuse for not going).

Korina

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Linda, now that you've piqued my interest on this massage subject, I started looking for a salon close by. I have so much tension in my shoulder and neck area that I think it is one of the problems with my sleep. Maybe I shouldn't have discounted your idea so fast. I don't exactly know what to look for in a salon in the Phoenix area or what to ask for. I'll just have to educate myself.

Ted

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Ted,

Would your Dr. be able to point you in the right direction for one you would feel comfortable with? My Dr. added muscle relaxers but they don't really help. Don't make me tired, just spacey. This whole neck shoulder thing is very uncomfortable. It's interesting to see several of us are feeling tension at those spots. Going to attempt on returning to yoga after holidays and maybe that will with relaxing. Hope you find one you can be comfortable with in helping to relieve this "grieving tension", as I refer to it. Blessings, Debbie

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massage envy has several locations all across the country - my sister in colorado goes to one there, my mom goes to one in connecticut and there is are many here in virginia . very professional, warm beds and many different types of massage to choose from. It helps the stress!! and yes it helps the sleep too.

good luck

laurie

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