Still A Little Off!

[kath]

I have been off all day. The confusion and disorganization was extreme when I first began this walk, but now today, I showed up a half hour late for teaching my sixth grade Faith Formation class. The whole class was waiting for me. The sad thing is I thought I had arrived a half hour early! The class was extremely loud and unruly and I wanted to just sit back and let them do whatever they wanted. They must have sensed my weakness because I have never seen them this wild.

I forget where I leave things and what I was going to say or do. I heard a comedian say that as we get older, we become our pets. We walk into a room and turn around three times hoping we'll remember why we came in there in the first place. That has been my day! I was even late for mass this evening. My kids think its funny when I drive right past my house or stop a block before it. (The suburbs all have the same 'look' to the houses and my night vision isn't so great which is the only reason I put up a few lights this season.)

There's a lot to be said for getting a good night's rest. I haven't in weeks because of so many stresses and concerns. In some ways it's sort of relaxing because I forget appointments and activities so it cuts down on my running around. I'd be curious to know if there are any permanent side effects to grieving or if this is one of those areas that was always there and has intensified because of it.

I love you all! Good night.

[Korina]

All I know is that up to this point, I haven't scheduled too much into my days. We will see how things go in January, when I go back to work, and have to put Kailyn into daycare. Ughhh.

Korina

[azusaman]

Kath, even though I think as we get older we do some of those things naturally, they are intensified with that big grief monster sitting on top of our heads. It's like the other comedian said after he got older, " I still chase women, I just can't remember why". Hang in there and stay warm up there in the frozen tundra.

Ted

[marsha]

Kath - I think what you're describing is normal - I hear this from friends who haven't lost a spouse! But like Ted said, add the grief monster lurking (especially now around the holiday), lack of sleep and too much on your plate, and the synapses just don't all fire. I've always been one to have a list going, but I swear, I now keep a daily list on a legal pad of every thing I need to do. I know Joe's death has turned me around 180 degrees, and I'm not sure if my behavior, my personality, is colored by that permanently, or that I'm me, just intensified. Am I making any sense here?? So I guess my answer is - I have the same question you do! Hugs, Marsha

[LindaKoz]

Hi Everyone,

I'm affected my memory lapses also. I try to write all of my appointments on my calendar and then make sure that I look at it. This grief journey is so overwhelming most of the time. I have to remind myself to do the laundry, take out the trash/recycling, and sometimes even to eat. Sleep is still elusive most of the time. Maybe it is time to break down and take those sleeping pills but honestly they scare me.

It seems like today is going to be a bad day. I feel that huge dark cloud looming all around me. I made it to church today but don't think I have motivation for anything else. Today I am sad. Today I will rest.

I'm sending my prayers and hugs to all of you. I'm thankful that we are able to share this great loss and to hold on to each other.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

Kath,

I have definitely become very absentminded since Pat passed at the end of June. I have locked myself out of the house and lost keys more than once. I can't count how many times I have gone to do something and turned around and forget what I was going to do. Just like Linda I have learned to write everything down because I can not depend on myself to remember things. We have talked about this in grief support group and it is definitely the journey we are on that consumes us.

If it wasn't for this forum I would think I was going crazy. Sharing with everyone helps to know that I am not alone and all that I am feeling and doing is normal. Again, I would like to thank everyone here. You have helped me through some really rough days. Days that I didn't know how I was going to get through. Thank you.

Kat

[Maryo]

Hi Kath,

Sometimes it feels like we have completely lost ourselves the way we where but things will calm down. Nothing wrong with making a list if we can remember where we put the list. That has happened more times then I care to remember.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for us all.

Mary Lou

[kath]

I was going to write some more on this topic and can't seem to remember what it was!!! Anyways, thanks for understanding. I really hope I'm not going crazy...

Marsha, you always make sense and I love reading whatever you have to say.

Maryo, I am still looking for my last list!

Tim, I'm really glad you found some help in medication. My doctor tried to get me started early into this and I refused. I worked too hard to detox myself from alcohol and prescription drugs in the past. So, while I have been tempted quite often, I have no desire to return to my former self. (Being stubborn has its merits.)

Ted, thanks for the laugh. That was the thing I missed the most amongst the sadness of grief.

To all the rest, I hate the reasons that brought you here, but am so glad you are. Thank you for your loving support. This site has been my saving grace.

Kath

[kayc]

Kath,

All I know is, it's been 4 1/2 years and I still am not the same and realize I never will be...I never did get my focus back and my mind doesn't work as well as it used to. I lose my concentration and do weird things, I'm sure my kids think I'm just getting old, but I know it's the shock to my brain June 19, 2005. Don't feel alone, I think for most of us, this is how it is.