Desolation

[JohnG]

Are we all having these horrendous bouts of desolation or is it just me. I'm waking up in the middle of the night needing to cry out to anybody about how lost I am. There are overwhelming episodes of despair no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Words of comfort seem meaningless and all I hear is the silence around me and ahead of me.I know I have a future ahead of me but right now it seems like a very intermittent flicker of light above from the bottom of a deep, dark well that I have to climb out of alone.

I'm sorry for being so depressing but I just don't know how to capture that internal sense of moving ahead. My friends and family tell me I'm progressing but I don't know if that's just a way of difusing an uncomfortable situation the only way they know how or if it's true and I am getting better.I'm told to focus on good things in the future but I can barely make it through the night. Maybe I expect too much, too soon but I am in agony here alone.

[mrspapajohn]

John - - First, I am very, very sorry for your loss, but believe me about the depression; it is not just you. Losing someone who has shared your life, understood who you are and accepted the good and bad, loved you and was loved by you, is probably the hardest and most horrendous event that any of us will ever go through. You have found a site where members not only have experienced what you are going through and will empathize, but will support you whether you need to just vent or whether you post to share even the tiniest personal victory, like being able to sleep through the night. Right now there are probably no words of comfort that will help. Just remember to take care of yourself, eat, breathe and just try to get through each day as best you can. It may be hard to believe now, but it will get easier. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make us stronger so that we can deal with them. You are in my thoughts. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

[LindaKoz]

(((John))) I'm sending hugs and love your way. Desolution is part of this grief journey that we all share. We are walking in the shadows of death. The light which seems so very far away right now is life trying to lure you back. It will take lots of time and plenty of work to creep closer toward that light. Believe your friends and family. The other week my Pastor told me that she could see the light still shining in me even though all I could see was darkness. I do not believe that she would offer me false hope. We are on a roller coaster. We will find moments of peace only to be taken over by emotions of sadness, despair, guilt, and anger. It's all part of the grief process. And, grief is not linear. We do not move from one stage to the next but can slip back at any time. Accept the emotions as they come your way and work through them. I don't believe it is true that time heals all wounds but rather it makes them more bearable. We will always hold our loved ones in our heart. Their absence will remain with us for the rest of our lives. We loved them and our loss is great. But, we will all find a way to survive, to live again. Pleae be gentle with yourself. If you are unable to sleep at least try to rest. Eat when you can. And, remember to take those tiny baby steps -- try not to look too far into the future. Perhaps tomorrow is all you can handle at this moment. I will continue to lift you up in my prayers. I hope that you are able to hold on to good memories as you make your way through the grief. Seek those moments of peace.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

I am not sure how long it took for that feeling of downright emptiness in the pit of my stomach, or alternatively, the kick in the gut, to ease. Just a couple of mornings ago I woke up with that feeling again. What I know for me was that I took everything at my own pace, and didn't try to force myself into activity. And I am grateful that friends and family were there to support me, and not to push me. I had to wade through those early weeks one day at a time, with the dull understanding that things would eventually get easier. I am also grateful that both my mom and mother-in-law didn't pull any punches - they told me it would take a long time for things to get easier. False expectation was the last thing I needed.

Aside from a frenzied plan (which I thankfully did not follow through on) to move out of our apartment, the only future plans I focused on in the beginning were the memorial service 3 months subsequent to Scott's funeral, and ideas on how to make memories for our daughter. And even took the legalities on step at a time - there was just no energy to focus on more than a bit at a time. Beyond that, I didn't seriously try and plan anything for the future. It is six months (almost) now, and I have begun to reenter life, but again, at my own pace. For the most part, I only do things that feel comfortable and right. We are going through so many emotions and stress, that forcing activity seems ridiculous.

I found this site to be of great comfort, as I could and can sit down at any time of the day or night, write away, and know a response will be forthcoming in short order. We all feel each other's pain, understand it, and by helping each other, we help ourselves.

Take care,

Korina

[azusaman]

Man, John I can feel the hurt all the way over here on the west side of Phoenix. I didn't see any details of when your loss occurred but it sounds pretty fresh. One of my friends emailed me an article about how men process grief different than women and this has helped me a lot. We want it to get over with quickly and get on with our lives but it doesn't seem to go that way unless we become Superman. I am starting to climb out of that dark hole of grief coming up on 4 months since my Adrianne died but I still have my "days". I see you're a musician. Music has helped me a great deal, especially inspirational Christian music but I also like blues. I know it's an oxymoron, but sometimes the blues cheer me. Stay on this site we all really care.

Ted

[MartyT]

Ted and John, you may find these articles about men and grief to be of interest:

Stress and Grief: To Fight or Befriend

Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

And be sure to visit our Web page about music and grief: Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

[JohnG]

Thank you all for your compassion. Your responses actually allowed me to sleep a little more peacefully last night.