Back At Work

[Korina]

Sorry I haven't been around for a bit, but the last while has been hectic. We got back home on Jan. 5 only to turn around and fly back to my inlaws for the weekend, as Scott's aunt passed away. Very tough for Scott's uncle, as he was really close to Scott, and then to lose his love of 30 years 6 months later...

It has been tough going back to work, not because of work persay, as that has been fine. Rather, Scott always called me or emailed me at work. I caught myself listening to the receptionist answer the phone, last week, wondering if it was Scott. First time I have caught myself in anything like that. The first couple of days had several teary episodes. And then walking over to pick up Kailyn from daycare...I always think a lot when I walk, and you can guess to where my thoughts wander.

And Kailyn has not been taking very well to daycare.

And last Friday, I left work early, picked up the girl, and went to the courthouse to pick up some corrections on my filing for letters of admin for Scott's estate. Even though the guard let me in as I got there just as they were closing (thought it was open until 4:30, but was only open till 4:00), when I went to the NOT BUSY AT ALL counter for probate, the woman said "Come back on Monday - we are closed." Not an ounce of compassion. At the end of the day, I am not very busy at work right now, so I was able to easily leave early today to pick up the papers, but still!

I remember reading some posts about how tough weekends were for people. Up until this point, one day was the same as the next (while on mat leave), so weekends didn't really mean anything. No more. This first weekend alone (except for Kailyn, of course, and the kitties) since starting work felt soooo empty. I miss Scott more than 7 months ago, if that is possible. What I really miss is our conversations.

Tomorrow (the 19th) is 7 months. I still do not believe it. I love my baby more than ever.

Sorry if this posting is a bit long, but it has been a while

Korina

[JohnG]

Dear Korina

I am so sorry for the grief you're going through. That seems so inadequate but going through the same thing it comes from the bottom of my heart.

Going back to work is tough. I jumped back in very quickly but that didn't help. I was unfocused and distracted most of the time, I just wanted to go back home but there was definitely no joy there. I was and still am lost. I do the same thing except with email. K would email and text throughout the day and I now find myself leaving those things up waiting not for her but for that loving communication I had gotten so used to.

As far as unsympathetic officials go, that can be one of the hardest parts of this journey. It's all you can do to get into work much less do your job for 8+ hours and then have to spend the afternoon/evenings trying to get official documents and communications taken care of only to be met by people who seem to feel that your grief is nothing compared to the fact that they are overworked.That can suck any energy you may have at the end of the day fast!

The weekends for me are terribly lonely. I don't know how I get through them. I dread them starting Thursday morning and then suddenly it's Monday morning. I just cope and survive but I'm baffled if there's any technique I use.

I will be thinking of you all day today. I understand the pain you feel missing Scott.

Take care.

Peace and Love.

John

[Kat2005]

Korina,

It was very hard to go back to work for me also. Especially since Pat and I worked together for so long. He was home for the last year on disability so we talked on the phone quite often. I still look at the clock and think to call him. He was not a computer person.

I actually thought I was going crazy but something you said made me realize that I am not. It will be 7 months for me on the 23rd and I miss him more today than I did yesterday. I really admire you that you are taking care of alot of the paperwork. I did what I had to do and I just can't bring myself to finish. I get that I don't care attitude. I guess I really should check to see if there are any time limits on any of it.

As for the weekends I still hate them. I try to keep busy and out of the house as much as I can. The quiet drives me crazy. That is one good thing about going to work but there is always that time of the day that you have to come back home to the quiet.

I will be thinking of you this weekend and keeping you in my prayers.

Take care,

Kat

[Susie Q]

I am feling like you are all writing my reply for me. I returned to week last week after 5 months off and I associate with everything you say.

Work is the same but I find it hard to get through leaving in the morning- missing the breakfast routines of many years and the goodbye kiss at the car and then finding my anxiety building in the early afternoon when I think about going home without him there.

I had the opportunity to go home one day last week because of maintenance problems on site. Everyone else left in ten minutes but I lingered at work for a few more hours, alone and in tears, becuase home isn't the wonderful place it used to be.

Just another set of things to go through and get over, I guess.

[Babs11]

Hi, Korina and Everyone,

Again we all have something in common..So many things we have to deal with and try so hard to be brave and strong for ourselves and our families but deep within we suffer..We all just miss the most simplest of things.. the calls during the day, looking forward to going home...

Korina you are so strong..you now have to go back to work, your beautiful baby is going to a new day care and you and your Scott would be working this out together...now it is you but with your husband pushing you forward...

We move forward but it seems like we never stop looking back..for that call..that laugh...that talk..that intimacy..to share our day..our life..

...I hope you all get that call..that email..that voice... SWEET DREAMS...

Love and Peace,

Babs

[kath]

Hi, Korina.

Daycare is a big adjustment for everyone, expecially moms. Kailyn is too young to tell you what she likes or doesn't like, but if you get a chance, drop in unexpectedly and see how she is doing. I used to worry so much and when I finally dropped in, saw that they were doing really well and it eased a lot of my fears. It was just the dropping off that they had a hard time with. So, I made up a little poem putting magic on the chair, and then had them sit on the chair so the magic didn't escape. It gave them the time they needed in the morning to get used to all the activity around them. When my son started preschool and there was a little boy crying because he didn't want his mom to leave, my son looked at me and said, "Mom, I think you have to teach his mom how to put put magic on the chair." At a really young age, they are just learning to trust that you will be back.

It doesn't surprise me at all that you miss Scott more than seven months ago. You are doing all the work right now and not having him here to help definitely intensifies things. Add to that the insensitive people you have to deal with and it becomes overwhelming. You are doing a great job and I hope amongst all the work and the new routine, you are finding time for yourself. We tend to put ourselves on the back burner when it comes to responsibilities and that, too, will takes its toll.

Kath

[Korina]

Thank you so much for your replies - they mean the world to me, even though I am crying right now. Lots of tears, these days.

Love,

Korina

[marsha]

Korina - I so wish you strength, and peace. For me it was the opposite. I went right back to work. Grieving took place every afternoon, when I came home. Weekends, oh boy. It's now, when I have some time off, and last year, same thing, when the time weighs heavily on me. And I worked with Joe. I saw him everywhere. Double oh, boy. Routine, for me, helped, but in the beginning it was g-d awful. It gradually becomes easier. Well, I meant this as a positive post - it is, though. I guess I'm saying the early steps are the most difficult, but with time, it does get easier. Hugs to you and your wee one - Marsha

[Maryo]

Hi Korina,

It is nice to see you back posting.I pray that each day will get better for you.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Korina]

Today walking over to daycare to pick up Kailyn after work, that feeling of looking forward to getting home to see Scott wrenched through my guts big time. To not be able to feel that again - it was almost unbearable (thankfully, the feeling softened after a bit). Sigh.

But, on the other hand, Kailyn was much better at daycare today. A BIG plus! By the way, tthought I would attach a photo from December (I'm a first time mom - can't help it!).

Korina

[Kat2005]

Korina,

What a little sweetheart! Kailyn is adorable.

Take care,

Kat

[MartyT]

Korina, dear ~ I'm so glad you've shared a more recent picture of your precious angel! She's just darling!