What Do You Say ?

[eldersister]

I work in a fairly large office, in the social service field. I lost my brother just a month ago. I'm finding it dificult to find the "right" response to "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile, what's going on ?" or worse yet the , "how is your brother doing, I heard he was sick".......

Now, on some occasions I almost feel bad for them. Because in their innocent question lies a really horrible answer.

On one hand, there are times like this that I feel the tears well up, because I got caught by surprise, and I try so hard to keep my shields up at work....And on the other hand, there are times (especially if it's someone that I really don't care for that I have this urge to just say "he died". (I know, I'm bad at times!) and then there is the times when I can't get the words out, and I'm choking on my response.

And while I"m at it --- those who already know, and ask me "so, how are you doing ?" there is the standard, "well, it's a hard time for my family right now" -- truth but impersonal, and puts an end to the questioning, especially if I suspect that they really are not interested in knowing....

but then there is that evil and warped side of me that want's to yell "how the heck do you think I feel? "My brother just died, I have an 84 year old father who is grieving, I can't sleep at night, my teenager is questioning her belief in religion, and my sister in law is a mess, and I'M the one susposed to be holding it all together?"

So, I thought I'd post here, and see if any of you have some great responses that will save me from my sarcastic side....

[MartyT]

Dear One,

Here are two articles that may give you some ideas:

Don't Say You're Fine When You're Not

Answering the Question, "How Are You?"

And this thread may be of interest as well:

"Are You Better Yet?"

[loulou]

wow.Im struggling with this exact thing right now.My 49 year old father just passed suddenly a month ago.My close friends will call during the day[when I'm in bed in a fetal position bawling] and they say "why are you crying?I want to say "why am I friends with you?"I hate to hear,"he would want you to be happy"I just miss him.how could I be happy?People are always telling me how to feel.I get so angry at people, even my own family is cold about it and I get mad that I have to feel like the crazy one.

[annette85035]

I won't ever forget a co-worker of mine asking me "what was the last thing my husband said to me".I couldn't believe that question!

Some people just don't know what to say..saying"oh I'm sorry to hear that" just sounds like not enough or not for real.But atleast they're listening to you and trying to be consoling.

I hope you don't mind my little comment here-I heard that my (real) aunt died on friday.Her name wasn't allowed in the house-if that gives you an example of my mother and her relationship.And now they are back together in heaven(why wonder there was that earthquake yesterday)heaven will never be the same

[missyme]

I lost my brother on January 8. I work shift work where we rotate so I work with a different group every 2 months. I feel the same way. People either say "how are you doing" and I want to say "certainly not ok" or they don't say anything at all and that's almost worse. I spoke to my aunt the other day and said it is amazing to me that people will still talk to me about their "problems" which don't seem like problems to me at all anymore.

I think that too many people aren't in touch with their own feelings and ours can scare them. The kind of raw grief that I saw at my brothers wake scared me and I was going through it with them. It's too bad that we aren't better at loss.

[missyme]

One more thought....I wish so badly that I had someone in my life that was comfortable with me sobbing like I need to and talking about the things that are giving me nightmares. My blind Granmda who nearly tried to climb into my brothers casket. The almost inhuman noise one of my cousins made when we had to leave. These things need to be said outloud and there is not a single person that I can talk to about them.