Our World Is Moving On....or Has Moved On?

[LindaG]

Hello Everyone-

It will be four months since my Joe died of a sudden coronary on Wednesday. His sisters talk only of their children and planning vacations. Our friends the same. Everyone with exception to my Mom and his, have "moved on" from losing Joe. No one mentions his name unless I bring it up first. My father asks me every Sunday on the phone if I know what I plan to do as yet...I can't plan... I can't think beyond the four or five hours in front of me. I'm exhausted and still soooooo sad. The crying and grief come over me still without warning. Someone will start to tell me a story about planning a cruise or something their children did in school and I feel sick to my stomach by their insensitivity but stop myself from saying anything as I feel like the continual wet blanket. I find myself avoiding people - good people to protect my feelings.

It seems like the isolation of grief grows as time passes and people have moved on with their lives. I'm just wondering if any of you are sensing similar feelings and how you handle them.

Thank you for listening.

- Linda G

[Sharon3]

This absolutely happened and continues to happen to me...I would say to myself how can they be so happy around me when my life is like a horror story. \i have learned to protect myself from those people . \i know we can't avoid our family but I choose who to trust with my felings and with my sorrow and I avoid those perople who are so insensitive....I have said from the beginning I have learnt a lot about myself and a lot about other people. There are a lot of insensitive unemotional people walking around mascarading as our friends and then there are sensitive emotionable people who think they will upset us if they talk about our loss...................it is so hard but we all experience it. It is how we choose to deal with it that is different. good luck to you i know your pain with this and also the pain of sudden, unexpected loss.

[kath]

Dear Linda,

I definitely remember that time. I wrote "Why I think of you" in the poem section just for that. I had to say his name. I thought of him constantly. I didn't want to be the wet blanket either, but that is who I was. It even bothered my son that I would talk about his dad, even joking at times as I remembered the good things. I told him that is how we keep him alive in our hearts. We need to talk about him, out loud, for all to hear.

It's different now. I tend to mourn in silence, alone. This week I took a day off work to do just that. It all catches up to me at times. But you know, those that know me, came into my office for the rest of the week and very gently talked about their losses. I talked about mine and together, I got through it. One guy just asked about Bob, his illness, how it has been for me. Two others lost their moms really young. They are wonderful men and it gave me hope for my son. I see the other boys with their dads at Boy Scouts and they have advanced in ranks because they have their help. My son is pretty much on his own for those things. I am so proud of him, but as a mom I worry constantly what his lot in life will be.

Don't worry about what others think of you right now. Do what you have to do. It is still about surviving and you are doing really well at that.

Love,

Kath

[Kat2005]

Hi!

It will be eight months on the 23rd of this month that I lost Pat. I have felt so lonely and lost lately. I still have a loving family and wonderful friends but they think I am adjusting to my new life but I'm not. I guess I am getting good at faking it in front of them. Most of his family lives away and their calls are far and few between. Pat's name is not brought up anymore in conversations and I still feel the need to talk about him. I am thinking of him constantly. I have a picture of him that I keep in the car because we worked together and we always rode in together. Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is healthy. I just can't help it. I need to feel that he is still with me. Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling. Forgive me, I'm just rambling. I am just not having a good night. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I am just so thankful that I am able to come here on nights like this because I know everyone here understands what this is all about and is willing to listen.

Thanks again, Kat

[LindaG]

Kat-

I give you credit for comforting those around you as I think that is why we put a smile on our face. I thought I would be stronger by now and it scares me that in some ways I am less able to gain control. My inclination is to not fake it down the road but eventually I guess we all have to - to some extent to keep living.

There is a part of me that still feels he will walk thru the front door at any time, although in my head I know that will never happen.

Valentine's Day without your husband - how horrible. Every month is a birthday, anniversary, or holiday or a constant reminder or who is not here. The fact that fewer and fewer people mention Joe's name or his passing, is so hurtful and yet I have done it myself when I look back. I guess more understanding and less sensitivity? I don't know.

Thank you for sharing.

- Linda

[kayc]

Linda,

What you are experiencing is not only normal, but typical. Life for us who have been dealt such a severe blow, is never again the same. You are still in the early stages of grief and can't possibly be expected to have "moved on" from this. It takes much time to move through the stages of grief to the point of "acceptance"...which Marty once defined, not as agreeing with or liking, but as somehow coping with better...the word I recall she used was coping, and it was explained that we get more adept at it as time goes on. We may learn to cope or adjust, but that does not mean our lives have moved on as in liking it and we never become indifferent to it. The fact is, it is such a crushing blow it affects everything about us and our lives. For some people, the deceased was not the core of their world and it did not affect their lives as much as ours, and so, yes, for them, life continued more as it had before...that is how they can plan their vacations seemingly unaffected.

For you, you lost your best friend, your lover, the person who contributed to your income, the person who shared household chores, the person you confided in, the person who appreciated you, the person that gave you purpose in life, the person with whom you shared all of your holidays, your weekends, the person you slept with, the one you shared meals with, the one you talked over your day with, the one you parented with...and that person cannot be forgotten or moved on from.

Others have shared here how they let the world think they're doing okay...and to some extent that seems to be what we do, but we know that we are never again the same. We become selective about who we share our innermost thoughts and feelings with, and we do so for self-preservation as well as our of consideration for others...it doesn't do any good to upset the rest of the world because our world has turned upsidedown. We find those that do understand, that don't mind our opening up to them, and it is to those kind souls that we sometimes turn to. We come to this site where we can say what is really on our hearts...and we cry in the wee hours of the night, or when we're alone, driving, or at the oddest moments when it suddenly strikes. But eventually, the tears turn to a hollow feeling in the pit of our stomach and we carry it inside, this stoic knowing that we aren't the same, life is not the same, we're hollow survivors trying to find some kind of meaning and purpose in life. Ahh but I've been at this nearly five years...as has Deborah and Evelyn and Walt...I have tried everything to "move on" and believe me, if there was a way, I would have found it by now. I have learned it is not so much a moving away from as it is my focus...trying to keep a positive focus, trying to fill up my life with something, anything, good...trying to learn how to exist. But no, it's not something you "move on" from, not in that way. I am truly sorry for your pain...it does numb somewhat, but it takes time and you will have to be very kind to yourself and gentle and understanding of yourself...you will have to stand up for yourself to well-meaning people...in a kind way, but firm nonetheless. Sometimes they can be out of line, especially the persistent insensitive ones. In time they'll back off from telling us what to do...funny too how that works, when you lose a loved one, everyone seems to feel they have permission to run your life...maybe it's because we're at a loss to, but we're not brain-dead, we are capable of making our own decisions, it just takes time and patience...one day at a time.

Just never forget, we're hear to share in this, all of us.

[Susie Q]

Dear Linda

I feel that my being able to 'fake it' among family and friends is some measure of a little adjustment to this new life. I certainly couldn't do that two months ago. Being able to park my raw hurt somewhere else for a short time has allowed me to go to a few family parties and go back at work (with tears flowing in the bathroom or while I'm making a coffee but not in meetings etc).

I remain sad and lonely. Who wouldn't after all that we've lost?

I think that people have to go on with their lives. I don't blame them for talking about their activities - what choice do they have? I'd hate for all conversation to stop when I come into the room and in reality, it's not just talk of vacations or celebrations that can upset me - what they're cooking for dinner can make me feel desolate.

I'm at the 'getting through each hour' stage of grieving. Just hang in there too.

[Korina]

Somedays just suck, and other days are better, for me. I tend to do well when there is a lot of activity around me. However, it is in my solitude that it just hurts so much.. But at my best, I try to embrace that pain, because it acknowledges our love. (I won't go into the woulda shoulda couldas....). And I am grateful that there are several people with whom I can talk about Scott with smiles, laughter, and sadness. Sometimes there is awkwardness, but I understand it isn't easy for them, albeit in a different way than it is for me.

Take care,

Korina

[Sharon3]

Kay C thank you for your post it was so awesome how you captured the depth of our loss and why. It made me cry but made me understand even more why I cry.