Time With Dad-The Next Stage Of Grief

[bflyrn]

I know this is stupid. I'm beating myself up. The nurse in me is in the back of my head; I recognize the stages of grief. It doesn't help. I just can't help but play over in my head when I saw my dad last while he was "mostly there" (as much as he could be after so many strokes). It was Christmas day 2009. He was at home with Hospice. He had lost his ability to get up. He could move his arms somewhat, but couldn't grasp anything. I brought some peanut butter cookies for everyone. I made sure to get a couple for him and helped hold them so he could eat them. I worked with him to open and close his hands, pick up his arms and move his legs-it's what we call range of motion-it helps keep people from loosing those abilities. I remember talking to him in that nursing voice, telling him that he needed to work on moving his arms and legs. I told him "maybe by next Christmas, you will be able to hold the cookies yourself." Why did I say that? I remember thinking as soon as I said that, I didn't think he'd make it to next Christmas. Despite this thought I still left after an hour and a half at my parents to go to my in-laws. Why didn't I stay all day long? Of course I had my list of excuses as to why I had to leave so soon. It was a 2 hour drive home and I have 2 dogs at home, I couldn't stay because my family are chain-smokers and I was getting a headache, my sister was driving me crazy, my in-laws were waiting on us to start dinner. None of that should've mattered. I knew my time left with him was short, why didn't I just stay longer? I should've been camping out at my parents house. We had just moved 2 hours away in November and the drives back and forth were wearing on me but I should've endured one more. God, I wish I would've said screw going to my in-laws! I wish I could've kept the dogs in a kennel and stayed a couple days. I know I can't change it now, but I should've thought about it then!!! Just like one of the other members, I'm 32 years old and I just want my Daddy.

[loulou]

I too,have so much guilt.All the things I didn't say.All the things I didn't do to make his life any easier.I lived 5 min. from my dad and didnt even spend christmas,or thanksgiving with him this year.I didnt know he would be gone on new years.I talked to him everyday,but failed at telling him how much he ment to me.I know how your feeling.If only we paid a little more attention.I also know this is the stages of grief,but I feel so bad.The what ifs are always playing in my head.I just want him back for 5 min.Do you think they can hear us now?I hope so.It's the only thing that makes me feel better.Good luck to you,and myself,to make it through this phase.

[niamh]

hi bflyrn,

like you I just want my Daddy, I am 35 and feel like a big baby these days.Please try not to think anything you say or feel is stupid.The one and only piece of "advice" or words I've taken from anyone I know is to be kind to yourself and allow whatever feelings you feel to come. My head goes through so much, lots of mush sometimes it gets so confusing but that's it, they are my feelings now and nothing will change them.Like so many others here I too have this guilt thing, why didn't I ask the nurses or doctors to check my Dad's heart (he was a heart patient) and wonder what if. My Dad had no knowledge of going anywhere and leaving us, he wouldn't let my Mom cancel a 3 hr trip the day after he was "due" out of hospital because he was going on that trip regardless.I keep thinking if his heart was checked they could have fixed the problem and I wouldn't now be living this nightmare coz it's just all wrong.

Something odd went through my head the last night I saw him, I wanted to tell him what I had got for him for Christmas, I didn't have any clue why I thought it and I just put it straight out of my head thinking "he'll kill me for telling him, sure I'll be giving it to him next week". His presents are still in my car, I can't take them out.

So many regrets that we can't change now and so many frustrations that a hospital wouldn't check a heart patient's heart. I hate that his last days were stuck on a trolley in the corridor of the ER room, I wish I'd fought for a proper bed for him but he was only in with a kidney stone.

I get flasbacks of leaving him so soon because he was coming home the following day, it wasn't serious, we didn't need to spend time with him when he was so tired, I just thought we can have our chat tmrw.I just keep picturing him going to the bathroom all alone in pain and then just dropping in there, wondering if he knew what was happening, if he knew he was leaving us all alone at Christmas, the worst time of the year.

I have no words of comfort for you coz I just don't think there are any. One book that I use over and over is called "how to survive you grief" by Susan Fuller. It just lists about 50 emotions we may or may not have and little explanations on each. It's easy to read and it just lets you know that these feelings are perfectly normal.Some I didn't feel at first but have over time and it just helps me know there is nothing wrong with any of what I feel.

hugs to you. I hope all our Daddy's are right next to us and someday we can feel them.

[Kavish]

Hi everyone,

I do used to look back, but I look at what I am doing now, and whatever i am doing now I feel my best friend, is helping me to be myself and not to see what i lacked, because she never saw in me what I lacked although others would not see me likewise. I was who I was in her eyes, and she never saw me differently ever. I dedicate my self to being what I am and work towards it to feel who I am.

Thanks,

Kavish

[speaking]

My mother died on December 7. It took me many weeks just to be able to say that. I didn't want it to be that real. All I could think of for many days after were the things I didn’t do for her or could have done better or should not have done or said. For years, I had dreaded being somewhere else for her final moments. A friend of mine assured me there was nothing I could do to make that happen. I could dose off, go to the bathroom or be preparing a meal when… By some divine miracle, when I was doing paperwork for just 5 minutes with the hospice nurse, I slipped back into Mom’s room to get her Medicare card from her handbag. She had slipped into unconsciousness (not sleeping), and the nurse had told me she was “actively dying.” I looked at Mom, and her breathing which had been very rapid all day had eased. She opened her eyes and took two soft intakes of breath, and then closed her eyes. I ran to get the nurse. Then, the nurse examined her and said, “She’s gone.” I was there. I share this because you wanted so much to be with your father, and I so completely understand that. I moved from New York to Virginia last March to make sure I did whatever I could do so we could have that. I wanted to take you to that moment. I am sharing this also because, I got to do the two things I wanted to do, that Mom and I both wanted: that she would be at home as long as possible and that I would be with her. STILL, there is so much I have been tortured over. If only I had done a better job of caring for her. If only I had known more about making her comfortable and helping her to eat or drink. If only I had known what it would be like as she slowly ate and drank less and less and that there were more ways to keep her hydrated that I read in a newsletter that came a month later. If only I had said something when she said to me the day before that she thought she was dying. I said nothing. I couldn’t think of one single solitary thing to say. I looked at her, wiped a tear from her eye, held her hand, sat there with her and cried. I didn’t know if she was scared, although I imagine she was. I told my mother how much I loved her many times. I told her in every possible way that she was the best possible mother and human being. Yet, I can count many more ways in which I feel I failed her. I have run them through my mind a thousand times and cried and cried. All my friends and relatives have told me that I must stop beating myself up for all the things I thought I did not do. They are so right, but it doesn’t make any difference. The feelings are still there. There are a few things that are starting to help me ease the guilt. One is to just feel what I am feeling and not try to make it go away, or to muffle it, or explain it, or hide it. A day or so after the services, I wrote Mom a letter, asking her to forgive me for all those things. Then, I wrote a letter to God, asking him to forgive me. Then I remembered an incident about 10 days before she died when I did a terrible job of moving her on the bed, and she ended up in a truly awkward position. I was just undone and asked her to forgive me. She looked at me with a frown and a hint of a smile, as only a mother can do, as if to say, “What is there to forgive you for? You are my child.” I have gone over each thing I feel guilty about, one by one. I am beginning to realize that I really have to forgive myself. Neither God, nor my mother blames me for anything. Little by little, I have started to see that if I had done things differently, there is no way possibly to know that it would have changed anything. I keep reminding myself of that. Feeling bad about what I did is so familiar and comfortable in this time when everything is so strange, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I think sometimes I am afraid that if I stop feeling the guilt that I will let her go, and I don’t want to do that. I am beginning, just beginning, to find the courage to love that I love my mother so much and to love I baked her enormous chocolate cake (her favorite) for Thanksgiving that she could not possibly eat. She appreciated it a lot. This was a very long post, but your message touched me. Thank you.

[speaking]

Thank you, Kavish and niamh for your posts. May you both continue to heal.

[Brittany H.]

Hi guys,

I understand the guilt you feel. I lost my mom 2 years ago, i still feel a lot of guilt as well. She'd had a stroke as well 7 months before her death. She drank heavily afterwards, and i wish i could've stopped her. i refrained from telling on her everytime i found the alcohol, i was only 16 at the time, and thats a big source of guilt. I also wasn't home the night she died, and i thought if only i couldve been home that night, maybe i couldve saved her. However I'm trying not to feel so guilty, but its hard. I understand its hard, but try to ignore the guilt, because its not worth it. Your father knew you loved him, and thats all that matters.

[bflyrn]

Thank all of you for your kind words. I will definitely write a letter to my dad, it sounds like a good way to tell him everything else I couldn't. I do believe he is watching over me. As a matter of fact, my father liked inclement weather. He used to belong to a group that volunteered their help when natural disasters struck. He loved snow and after he passed, we had several weeks of more snow than we'd seen in this area in awhile. I, in my better moments, would talk to my loved ones and tell them that my dad was having God "hit us hard" because he'd think it was funny. To niamh, I don't mean to second guess your father's treatment or give any excuses. I know nothing I can say is going to help but in my limited experience, if the ER was overcrowded like it tends to be frequently here (thanks to the bad economy), there's a good chance they put your dad in the hall on a gurney because they saw nothing life-threatening happening. I'm not saying it's the right thing. Coming from the stand point of a nurse, I always want everything done in the best way for my patients. Unfortunately, we work with what we have. Anytime a patient doesn't at the very least, improve, let alone get worse, we examine everything we do under our mental microscopes to see if there was something we could've done, anything we might have missed. I hope nothing I'm saying offends you. I just hope maybe I can take away some guilt, even if it's just a tiny bit.

I don't say this because I was trained by my employer. It's not a script I learned. I speak strait from the heart. I learned my best nursing skills (caring) from my dad. He was a firefighter and an emergency medical technician. So I guess I'm very much my father's daughter. It just sucks because I life close to a firehouse and everytime I hear that siren, it reminds me that he's gone.

Thank you all for your support,

Bflyrn

[niamh]

thanks bflyrn, I don't take any offense at all. Overcrowding here is a bad problem but it's due to the inadequate governing of our health care system,there are hundreds of empty hospital wards and beds but they cannot be staffed.....although very bad snow and ice forced hospitals to open closed wards over Christmas.......I guess that also frustrates me, for broken bones etc they will open wards but for people doubled over in pain are left on the sidelines and forgotten about ....my Dad had to constantly tell them when his drip was out so he had to monitor it himself. He had to ask for food/water coz he was always forgotten about, all that just makes me sad, I would have gladly gone in there with him the entire time to give him what he needed, to ask him regularly if he wanted anything. It was the first time ever my Dad complained about lack of communication in the hospitals and it's the gov't I am more angry with really, I know I'm not the first and by no means the last to have my loved ones last days be so stressful. The gov't live in cuckoo land on their enormous salaries, couldn't care less about little old me and my family and many others like us, they just want to cut cut cut everything on health system but there own salaries and expenses so we are left to deal with stuff that shouldn't have happened. I try to let go of the anger and not think about this,sometimes I just don't know who or what frustrates me....I feel I am starting to get a little frustrated with my Dad for leaving although I know it's not his fault.(I don't even want to say angry coz I love him too much)

wow, my post is just all over the place just like my head !!

anyways, just thanks so much to everyone here, I like that I have somewhere to go, can be honest and nobody judges or tells me what to do how to feel so thanks again so much !

hugs to all

[DoingMyBest]

speaking: "“What is there to forgive you for? You are my child.” I have gone over each thing I feel guilty about, one by one. I am beginning to realize that I really have to forgive myself. "

Wow, that is so true. I think of all the times my mom must have grimaced and felt bad for poking me with a diaper pin or dropping me when I was crawling, and I know I don't need to have an apology from her! The benefit of hindsight is there's always so many things you could have done differently - if only you'd known then. But we don't, and we do the best we can in the circumstances.

I hope you'll forgive yourself for feeling that you needed to respond to other demands on your time. One day I hope that story about the peanut butter cookies will make you smile about having had that opportunity with your dad, not just feel guilt about not spending enough (all?) of your time with him. My mom died 3 1/2 months ago... It's only within the past week or so that I've started having any good memories. You know - fun times, or funny times, or sweet things, rather than sickness, and guilt, and fear and loss and pain and all that. I was worried I'd never remember them, or maybe they never existed. Maybe if I searched my memory banks I could draw up a positive memory, but it felt a bit like a story book - artificial, third person. It's only recently that I've had any good experiences of those memories. I want more of them, but it's a struggle. Each one is a gem that surprises me, because for the most part it's still the pain. I will wish that you get a few such gems offered up to you when you are punishing yourself for not being all things. Anyone who brings PB cookies to a man when she knows she'll be in agony while delivering that loves deserves to really re-experience the good things.

[Daughter2010]

I can relate to all of your stories. My dad passed almost 5 months ago and to this day I am still trying to figure out my grief. The first 3 months were really hard, i couldnt stop crying, i went back to work a week after he passed because I just had to. Every night for those 3 months I cried inconsolably. Then it seemed like the pain started to ease a bit...or was I just going into numb stage? At work I am like a robot, I manage to do all i need to do and I dont break down and cry..somehow its like I am focused on what I need to do. Then I come home, and look at my dad's pic, and many thoughts run through my head...like how did this happen to us? how is it that my dad is gone? He was only 58 years old...and most of his life he was healthy and strong as a horse. The shouldas, wouldas, always pop in my mind. I am glad and proud to have the father I had, i am a daddy's girl, and I can't thank God enough for that. I could not have asked for a better father, but also there is the pain in my heart, i miss him sooo much, and there is nothing that can change that or make the pain go away. There are days where I wonder who I am....because at work I am ok and then at home I break down...and there are days that i feel ok and then I think..but wait my dad passed recently...so why dont I feel crushing pain? and there are days where I just wished I could pick up the phone and call my dad. There are days that i wished I could give him a hug one more time and see his smile.

I know my dad is at peace,and he is ok wherever he is now, but about the pain....do grieving people ever heal? My dad's passing has been life shattering..and at times I feel it is so unfair i dont get to see my dad or talk to him when other people get to see their fathers grow old. Why didn't I get that chance? There are so many things I would have wanted for my dad to see and experience...Maybe I am being a little selfish and I shouldn't because I now dad is ok...but then I wonder...does it really get better?

I just feel like a 6 yr-old girl who wants her daddy to hold her hand to cross the street...to guide her.Instead, reality is...that I'm a 30-yr old girl who's dad passed away.

[niamh]

Right there with you Daughter2010. It was 3 months for me on Wednesday.....it seems like only yesterday but at the same time it's like a lifetime ago since I talked with my Dad, sometimes my life with him seems like it was all a dream and this is now reality. I can't say I've had any good days, nothing brings a smile to my face,nothing makes me laugh,no joy whatsoever. I have days where I don't cry ...more like I can't cry.I find myself still getting stunned thinking did this really actually happen, why me, why my famaily.I try to think of the reality of this and sometimes my mind just won't let me and it's like I can't feel anything at all other than knowing some horrible has gone wrong with my life.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to mind me anymore, the loss of security that Dads bring is crippling.I wonder who will now say how proud they are of me,that was Dad's job and he did so well.I'm back to work and they have changed my role to make it easier for now.The support is great but I loved my old role but there's too much pressure with it, I can't handle it for now.But I am frustrated that I can't do it, I feel like such a let down now but Mom keeps telling me I need to just give it time, I will be able to do it again.Dad was so proud of me and now I can't do that job and he's not here to help.

I hate that I am now a changed person forever, that I have to live with this forever, it will never ever go away ...may it will seep deep into me where someday maybe it won't be as raw and visible to everyone but it will always be with me. I just want the old me, my old life back. I wonder where my Daddy is, does he really know how I feel now, how much I miss and love him, there are no words to say enough how much he means to me.

My Dad's brother hugged me Wed night and I just stood there aching so bad wanting that hug to be Dad but I can't have that anymore.

Truth is I feel like my life ended the day his did, I had almost 35yrs with him and now that he's gone I just exist.Even if this gets less difficult I don't honestly think I will ever feel true happiness again because even if something magically happens to bring me some joy, Dad won't be here to share it with so it just won't be the same joy I knew before.

If only I could wake from this living nightmare....

hugs to all and thanks for sharing your feelings,I think there is a tiny spec of comfort just knowing others feel similar things to me, that there's not something wrong with me still being so lost and struggling with this.

[bflyrn]

Wow! I am finding pieces of myself in everyone else's posts. I'm so glad to know that there's someone out there understands although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I guess the thing to remember is it wouldn't hurt so much if they didn't mean so much to us. I feel like I need to stop looking at what I've lost and remember how much I had. Some people aren't lucky enough to have a parent like that. We were. For that I am eternally grateful.

bflyrn

[loulou]

I can relate to all of your stories. My dad passed almost 5 months ago and to this day I am still trying to figure out my grief. The first 3 months were really hard, i couldnt stop crying, i went back to work a week after he passed because I just had to. Every night for those 3 months I cried inconsolably. Then it seemed like the pain started to ease a bit...or was I just going into numb stage? At work I am like a robot, I manage to do all i need to do and I dont break down and cry..somehow its like I am focused on what I need to do. Then I come home, and look at my dad's pic, and many thoughts run through my head...like how did this happen to us? how is it that my dad is gone? He was only 58 years old...and most of his life he was healthy and strong as a horse. The shouldas, wouldas, always pop in my mind. I am glad and proud to have the father I had, i am a daddy's girl, and I can't thank God enough for that. I could not have asked for a better father, but also there is the pain in my heart, i miss him sooo much, and there is nothing that can change that or make the pain go away. There are days where I wonder who I am....because at work I am ok and then at home I break down...and there are days that i feel ok and then I think..but wait my dad passed recently...so why dont I feel crushing pain? and there are days where I just wished I could pick up the phone and call my dad. There are days that i wished I could give him a hug one more time and see his smile.

I know my dad is at peace,and he is ok wherever he is now, but about the pain....do grieving people ever heal? My dad's passing has been life shattering..and at times I feel it is so unfair i dont get to see my dad or talk to him when other people get to see their fathers grow old. Why didn't I get that chance? There are so many things I would have wanted for my dad to see and experience...Maybe I am being a little selfish and I shouldn't because I now dad is ok...but then I wonder...does it really get better?

I just feel like a 6 yr-old girl who wants her daddy to hold her hand to cross the street...to guide her.Instead, reality is...that I'm a 30-yr old girl who's dad passed away.

Daughter...I feel like that.I just want my daddy.I have never felt so child-like.Yet here I am a 30 yr old.I want my dad back so much.

[Chai]

I guess the thing to remember is it wouldn't hurt so much if they didn't mean so much to us. I feel like I need to stop looking at what I've lost and remember how much I had. Some people aren't lucky enough to have a parent like that. We were.

I think you hit it on the head. It is so hard, and I feel so much what everyone here is saying. The guilt of, why didn't I do more? Why didn't I stay longer? Visit more? Say that one thing, or give that one last hug?

My father passed away from cancer in November 2008. I only saw him once before he passed away. I had all these reasons, like schoolwork, which he wanted me to keep on at, and waiting till he was at home with hospice instead of rushing down to the hospital, because of thinking, he wouldn't want me to see him like that. But now I wish I'd rushed down there, taken time off of school, and spent every day at his bedside.

I know that there are stages of grief, but I also think it works differently for everyone. I mean, I don't think you can put the guilt into one box of "here it is." It comes and goes. I'm at 15 months now, and I still feel the guilt come over me. All those shoulda woulda couldas.

Sometimes I feel like the harder memories come to mind easier. It hurts, but there they are, those sad images and wishes. But then a happy memory will pop up, and make me smile. Some of the hardest moments, for me, are missing the little things, like going grocery shopping at R+N with my father, or the moments when I see a beautiful sunset that I would love to tell him about, and he isn't there to enjoy it with me. No one else has that same love of nature that he did, and I have my moments of enjoying it myself, but it's not the same without him.

We can still talk to them, and I think writing letters really makes a difference. I've done it, and found it helps me.

Oh and back to what bflyrn said - however hard it is to see people with their dads, just think, those relationships, those fathers, might not be as good as ours were. We are so fortunate to have shared so much love with our dads.

I know I haven't really added anything new to this conversation...but I just wanted to say, my heart sings to the same tune as your hearts, and I hope that our hearts switch to a happy tune sometimes, so they don't hurt as much.

take care,

Chai