Mom Gone 2 Years, Dad's Dating...

[Brittany H.]

Hi Everyone,

I'm 18, and my mom's been gone for 2 years. My dad's been dating for a while now and it bothers me. I feel bad cause i want him to be happy, but it makes me uncomfortable when he brings the girl he's dating over. I'm starting to be ok with dating part, but not with when he brings them home though. I'm just wondering whose had this experience, and how did you feel about it. Am i wrong to feel upset about it?

[loulou]

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.I'm sure it hurts very much to see your dad with another women.My dad died 2 months ago and his younger girlfriend of 12 years,with who my dad has 2 very young children with,is already going out to the bars,ignoring my phone calls and spending alone time[whatever that means]with my dads bestfriend.The situation is a bit diffrent,but I kinda understand what your feeling.My dad's girlfriend dosn't love me,never did.She is only 5-10 years older then me.She dosnt owe me a thing,yet I wanted something from her....compassion,sympathy,a person to grieve with.My dad loved her alot,and was super good to her.He had a heart condition and she refused to work.He died of a heart attack working over time.I cant get over the anger and betrayal,but I dont like love my dad's girlfriend,and it has only been two months.I know you love your dad,and want him to be happy.If he is ready,then I guess he can choose that.I'm sorry I don't have advice,but I can imagine how frustrated and confused you are...keep us updated.Take care sweetie.

[MartyT]

Brittany, dear,

Your feelings about your dad dating a woman different from your mother are certainly understandable, and No, you are not "wrong" for feeling as you do. Sometimes we simply cannot help how we feel. Even if our feelings are completely unfair and totally irrational ~ we still feel what we feel! Instead of passing judgment on yourself for feeling as you do, it may help to explore whatever reasons you may have for feeling as you do. For example, does your dad dating another woman feel like a betrayal to your mother's memory, as if he's somehow replacing your mother with this person? If you allow yourself to like her, would that feel as if you're being disloyal to your mom?

As I read your post, it's clear to me that you're trying your best to understand and appreciate your father's need for female companionship at this point in his grief journey, and I commend you for that. I hope your dad is equally understanding, appreciative and accepting of your needs as you come to terms with all of this. Are you able to talk openly with him about your feelings in this matter? If not, is there someone else in your family with whom you feel safe enough to share your concerns -- someone who will listen without judging you?

If you'd like to learn more about this matter of dating following the death of a spouse or partner, you (and others reading this) may find this post of interest:

New Partners, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3577&view=findpost&p=27207

[Brittany H.]

thanks both of you for responding, i really appreciate it.

It does feel a bit like betrayal to me on both of our parts. People tell me my mom wouldve wanted him to move on and date again, but i cant help feeling its not true. I dont feel he's trying to replace her though, i do understand that. I just want my mom back, i dont want another woman in our house, you know? We've talked about my uncomfortableness before breifly, but talking about it more is awkward, so we dont really communicate openly. Thankfully i can talk to my nanny (moms mother) and my aunts on my dads side about it when i need, im very close with all of them.

[annette85035]

When I was growing up I wondered about if something happened to one of my parents and they met someone new how would I respond..NOT WELL,I figured

But I'm glad that you realize that your had does deserve to continue living and be happy,as I'm sure your mother would want him to be.

They say that your fathers new lady friend should not TRY to take the place of your mother,but be your friend instead,if you let her?

[DoingMyBest]

Hi Brittany - I just saw your post, after posting my own angry rant about my father's return to the dating world after my mom's death a few months ago. I've (obviously) been thinking a lot about this situation, in part because my husband's father died 9 years ago, yet he's really, really protective of the idea of his mother seeking companionship. It's always seemed unfair to me - she is totally fun, a great personality, and she deserves to have someone her own age that she can talk about her life with. Because the aches and pains, and emotional struggles, and musical tastes, and personal values, and all that, that make people who they are really do depend in many ways on age. It's just different reference points, and understandings, that go along with your stage in life, and I've always been bothered by the resistance he puts up to her seeking anyone out to share those experiences and depend on for personal support. There are things that children just can't supply their parents.

I totally understand the fear of replacement, or the stigma of disrespect, that can come from this transition. So despite my own apparent hypocrisy in being so angry at my dad for what he's doing, I wanted to throw a few questions to you that I'm hoping will start a dialog for you about what you want for your father, and for yourself, in the future. Change is always so hard, but it is inevitable. The best we can do is try to manage it productively.

1) You're young. You're at the stage where you really need a female role model, like it or not. Learning how to own your presence, the sexual awakenings, starting to identify your career and future... you're doing all these pivotal, defining things on your own. You've made it through some of your most formative years without her guidance, and dammit you've done it just fine on your own. Is there any possibility this is resentment about encroaching on your autonomony? If so, I want you to know that you are and always will be the only person to whom you answer. Like anyone else in your life, she may offer an opinion... but you are still autonomous. You only answer to you. You don't lose that by having her in the picture.

2) Two years - it's not an insignificant amount of time. There's no magic number to when "it's right to get back out there", but do you have a sense of what would be more appropriate than 2 years? I've found that when you can express something more concrete, it is helpful to others so they can tell you yes or no as to whether they can deliver on your expectations.

3) Even if you can't talk to your dad, it's wonderful that you can talk to others. It helps the information get "out there" - are you prepared for (or hoping that) it will find its way to your dad that way? It almost certainly will, so be ready to have the conversation. Your dad probably wants you to be happy more than anything, but he's dealing with a daughter who's of an age where she's going to be leaving him... he's got to start thinking of his future. You will have the most adult conversation of your life with this one, but if you are prepared - and can do it in a fair, open-minded way - you will walk away from this feeling more like an adult than ever before, whether you get what you think you want or not. I will tell you, at almost 40 I'm not ready to have this conversation with my dad, but then again he's not seeing a real person for a real purpose. Those are my excuses right now anyway, I hope to get to a more zen like awareness soon :-). I offer that so you know there's no age limit on being mad at your daddy for what he's doing to your mommy. Be patient with yourself... and yet try to prepare so that if the moment comes when this conversation erupts, it goes as well as it can.

4) Lastly, and this is my own personal anger and fear talking, is this woman "real"? By that, is she someone of good character, who treats your father well and wants good things for him and his family? Or is she just a cheap plaything that is satisfying a physical need you've probably been taught should not be indulged without a spiritual connection as well? If the former, maybe you could give her more of a chance. If the latter, well, let me know how you make due. I'm struggling with the whole idea and welcome the learnings of others on this.

Best to you. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you get some peace with the New Woman.

[Brittany H.]

Thanks guys, you've given me somethings to think about. I'm not exactly sure how long i think its appropriate to wait before people start to date again, but i do think it should be before a year has gone by, and he started before a year. He's dated a few girls so far, and i honestly don't know what they are to each other, or how close they are, it makes me uncomfortable to think about it, you know? thanks again everyone for your responses, i feel better knowing that what i feel isn't necessarily bad or unusual.

Doingmybest, i hope things are going better with the situation, or that it gets better soon.