My Dad And His Cancer

[SHeiss]

My name is Sharla and I am 25 years old. My step dad (who I claim as my dad) was diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer September 28th 2009. He is going to be 47 years old April 6th. I have 2 sisters, Amber is 22 and Kelsea is 16. I have always been the glue that holds my family together and lately I am falling apart.

I know that my dad is dying and it is killing my inside. I never show him how badly I am hurt because I know it will make him hurt more and if my family sees me falling apart, everything will fall apart. I know I am suffering from anticipatory grief. I know he will die by the end of the year (or at least this is what the doctors have said). I hurt for him, I think he is scared to leave us girls here without him and that kills me inside. I am scared for my mom and my sister Kelsea as my dad is everything to the both of them the thought of my little sister hurting is gut wrenching to me.

I feel like I could have prevented this and that since I have not that it is partially my fault. He came into my life after my dad left us and took over the position that my biological father chose not to. My dad opened the world to me in a whole new light. I have experienced snowmobiling, camping, hiking etc. He has helped me become “me”.

I am not a “lovey” person. I don’t like to say it as it makes me uncomfortable but I feel almost obligated to tell him that I do a billion times a day. I just want to hug him and never release like that may save him from dying.

Whenever I try to be happy, I feel bad for doing so because I should not be happy while my dad is scared and suffering. I am starting to doubt life and the point of it. I am not a religious person but if I was I would curse God. I really just wish there was a miracle that would fix this, I just know better. I am trying to hold it together but I lose it everyday when my husband is still at work and I feel like fire is running through my veins and I am unable to stop crying.

I don’t feel comfortable talking to my family or my husband about how I am feeling because I don’t want them to feel sorry for me while this is going on. We have more important things to think about than my feelings. I just want someone to listen to me without judgment.

Sorry this was written badly and everything I talk about is so sporatic, I am just not in my right mind today.

Thanks!

Sharla

[Daughter2010]

Sharla,

I can imagine how difficult all of this must be for you and your family. Not knowing how long your step dad will have left on earth can be heart wrenching. That kind of news can be devastating for anyone. I went through something similar with my father who passed away 5 months ago from stomach cancer. It was something we never saw coming since he always had great health. When he was given the news about his sickness, it was a very difficult time to all of us, but to him it was the trial of his life. At first he was taken aback by the news, got a bit depressed, and jumped right back up to fight his disease. The doctors would tell us any treatment at that point was just to prolong life. He responded very well to chemo, and it gave him another year to share with us, his family. His chances of beating the sickness were 8%, we all knew that but we all made a vow to fight it, spend time with him, make him feel comfortable, and try to lead a normal life whenever possible.

Doctors may say one thing according to their experience, but in reality no one knows how long they have left on this world. All you can do is show your step dad how much you love him and how much you care about him. He needs you to be strong, to enjoy every single minute and every single moment with him, that is the gift you can give him.

It is ok to cry and to feel down, but just remember tomorrow is not promised to anyone, enjoy every moment with your step dad, he may be with you a few months, a year,or a few years. Do not give up hope, look up to the future, be realistic about things yes, but also be hopeful and live, enjoy every moment with your step dad. That is the best gift you can give him. I know its hard, but try not to worry about the things you can't control, and instead cherish every single moment.

We did that with my dad and i can tell you that even though I miss him a lot, I look back and I am glad I had the chance to show him and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. No one can take that away from you.

Be positive, look on the positive side and be there for him because now he needs you more than ever. If you ever feel like you have a bad day, or need to vent, or just want to be heard, just come by and drop us a line. We will be here offering as much support as we can.

Know that you are not alone in this.

Big hug,

-L

[SHeiss]

L,

Thank you for your response. I am very sorry to hear about your dad. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this. I noticed getting it off my chest yesterday made me feel so much better. Just being able to express the hurt and anger I am feeling to people going through the same issues is very relieving.

-Sharla

[MartyT]

Sharla, dear,

We all are so very sorry to learn of your step dad's terminal illness, and can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to feel so helpless in the face of this vicious, unrelenting disease. It is extremely difficult to witness your loved one's health and quality of life deteriorating this way, and as time passes you will find yourself experiencing all the emotions of grief in anticipation of losing your step dad. This is known as anticipatory grief, and the physical and emotional reactions involved are the same as those experienced in normal grief.

You say that you've always been the glue that holds your family together and lately it feels as if you're falling apart ~ you're worried how you will continue to function as the big sister as you help your siblings face whatever lies ahead. I think you will cope by just going ahead and doing what you are doing already, even though you are scared and you think you cannot do it, Sharla. Somehow we think real courage is about soldiers being the first ones to charge up the hill, or about firefighters running into a burning building. Yet real courage is simply facing that which we're most afraid of, and doing it anyway despite our fear. Somehow you will find the strength to do what you need to do in the weeks and months before you, and you will be glad you did. Think of how you would feel if you were unable to be with your step dad, and missed this opportunity to be there with him at this most difficult time in both your lives.

You don't say whether your step dad is aware of his condition, or if you've talked about it openly with each other, and I'm wondering if that may be part of what's giving you such pain right now. I can assure you that your step dad probably knows a whole lot more about his illness than anyone else does, even if he does not acknowledge it to those around him. Keep in mind that this is his life, and his dying, and he will do it the way that he needs to do it. Also remember that we human beings are pretty well defended – we hear what we want to hear and keep out the rest. That is how each of us just gets through the day. Your step dad will face his dying as he is ready to do so, and for all you know, he may have begun doing that already. As your step dad, he may be feeling a need to protect you by not expressing freely and openly what he feels and knows. I encourage you not to assume what he is thinking and feeling. The only way to know for sure is to ask!

When you're with him, you might ask him what he makes of his illness or what he thinks is going to happen to him – then take your cue from him. If he's ready and willing to talk about it and he knows that you are ready and willing to listen, he will let you know what's on his mind, and he'll want to know what's on your mind as well. The greatest gift you can give to your step dad right now is just to be there with him – to be open to whatever he needs to say to you, and to be open with whatever you may need to say to him.

I'd like to recommend to you two wonderful books that I think you might find helpful at this sad and difficult time. The first is The Four Things that Matter Most, by Ira Byock, M.D. He is an international leader in hospice and palliative care, and in this book he discusses how four simple phrases can guide us effectively through whatever interpersonal difficulties may stand between us and another person (and most especially when that other person is dying) to help us finish whatever unfinished business may be getting in the way. The four simple phrases are "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you."

The second book is Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying, by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. The "final gifts" of the title are the comfort and enlightenment offered by the dying to those attending them, and in return, the peace and reassurance offered to the dying by those who hear their needs.

Most of us find it very difficult to think about planning ahead for the death of our loved one. We act as if merely thinking or talking about a person's dying will somehow make it happen – or we act as if not thinking or talking about our loved one's illness will somehow make it go away. Yet the reality is that none of us has the power to cause the death of another being merely by thinking or talking about it – and illnesses aren't prevented or cured simply by choosing not to think about them. Facing the loss of a loved one is just as difficult whether it happens suddenly or over an extended period of time. But having time to prepare for what lies ahead can be one of the more positive aspects of anticipatory grieving. You can make the most of the time you have now by talking openly with your step dad about what is happening to him, and by making your remaining time together as special as possible, as you make those treasured memories that will offer you comfort later.

Make sure, too, Sharla, that you are taking care of yourself while caring for your step dad (by getting enough nourishment, relaxation, rest and exercise). And know that as you face the difficult days ahead, you are not alone. I know that every person reading this is thinking of you and holding you in our collective heart.

[SHeiss]

Marty,

Thank you for your time and your very helpful response. I am very interested in those books you mentioned and I think they will help me along the way.

My dad does know of his illness and was doing the chemo thing to "prolong life" he is on a break from the chemo right now, but I feel like he has accepted the fact that he will die and is not up to giving anymore of a fight for life. My dad and I do NOT talk about his illness. I try to keep everything happy for him when I am around and at least make him forget about dying for a while. I am upset that he has given up (though I realize this is his right and his choice) I just want him to fight and it upsets me that he has chosen not to. So we don't talk about it. I don't want him to see me cry or see how hurt I am about it. The thought of him hurting because I am hurting kills me.

I have things I want to say to him like I want to thank him for all he has done for my whole family and tell him I love him and that I am sorry for every single thing I ever did that may have hurt him when I was a kid and/or teenager. I just want him to die knowing that I look up to and love him and I want him to know how grateful I am for even being able to be graced by his presence. But I am not strong enough to tell him these things without crying and I don't want him to feel like I am telling him goodbye.

I am very upset by this and according to my husband it is obvious through my attitude and my actions (I don't see it) He suggested counseling. I was actually looking for a place to just talk about it and so far, this seems to be helping.

Thank you very much for listening to me!

-Sharla

[annette85035]

They say if we knew what tomorrow would bring,we wouldn't want to live today probably..

Well sadly, like your father(step) you know a "date" in a way..so perhaps you should not grieve about tomorrow,but make the best of today!

[SHeiss]

Annette,

Thanks for your reply. I have been trying to do just that. It is very hard for me. I do it in front of him, I just cant help but freak out about it at night. His birthday is Tuesday and we are all struggling with the fact that this may be the last birthday we have him for.

It is really crazy too because some days he looks so good (almost like the cancer has disappeared) then the very next day he feels sick and tired.

Anyway, I am starting to ramble. Have a great day!

-Sharla

[SHeiss]

Today is my dads birthday. I am finding it very hard to be excited for him. I realize that he is still here and that I should be thankful that he is (and I am) I just start to think that maybe next year by this time we will not be here with us and it hurts. I am going to buy him a gift after work and take it to my moms. I hope he is having a good day today as Easter was a bad day for him. It sucks to see your father who has always been the strongest person ever turn into something so weak. I have noticed since he has been diagnosed that every holiday when everyone is there he takes a step back and just becomes detached from everyone like he feels like we have forgotten about him. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I just wanted to tell someone that it is my dads birthday and that I love him!

[jodo]

Hello Dear Sharla, You sound like such a beautiful,sweet person ! I bet your Dad is SO proud of you !! First of all I want to say - I hope your Dad had a good day today, and a very Happy Birthday. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, It's so unfair- your Dad is so young . There of course are no words that will fix anything,But, I do want to tell you (since I lost my Dad suddenly,and never got to say goodbye or anything) Please treasure every single moment you have with him, and tell him how proud of him you are, and how lucky you are that he came into your life! I'm sure you've already said things like this (but sometimes it can be hard,because you don't want to make him uncomfortable or sad!) My greatest wish is that I could have my Dad back for just even 10 minutes so I could tell him all these things! I know he knew I loved him, but I don't know if he knew how Thank-ful I was for everything he did for me, and the great life he gave me! I, and everyone here will be with you EVERY step of the way, there are some things you just can't talk to family & friends about so it's great we have this ! I, like you am not religious so I don't have that faith thing to help me, and it's nice that I am able to say that and not be judged too harshly ! Where do you live? (You don't have to disclose it if you don't want!) I live in New Mexico right now but I hope to move, There's too many memories here, and everything makes me sad !! I hope to talk to you again soon, maybe I could e-mail you ! Take care!

[loulou]

Hello Sharla,Im very sorry for what your going through.I lost my dad on Newyears,suddenly.I cannot imagine the pain of watching you father die a slow death.I always feel so lucky that my dad went very fast.But Im gonna agree with jodo when we say,please tell your dad how Thankful you are that he became your father.How appriciated he is.Every single day of my life I just wish for 1 more minute with him so I could tell him I knew how much he did for me,and how grateful I was to have him.I know it's hard to say those things,because it makes it real to him and you,that time is running out.I have really been wondering lately...what are we living for?what is life about?It seems brutal,to live life,make connections,have love,and then someone dies,and they go somewhere else,or nowhere,and the people left behind cant live their lives without being destroyed.You dont have to apologize for anything you write,because everyone here has been through loss,and we are here to listen,and share our own stories,because writing your feelings to people who truely understand and reading others,so you know people understand helps so much that I cant even put it in to words.The minute I wrote my 1st post,maybe even when I read someone elses post,I felt myself start to heal a little.Stay strong,you sound so very strong.We are here to listen.Keep your head up.

[SHeiss]

Lou Lou,

Thank you very much for your response. I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. I have been trying to find a way to tell him how I feel without either of us feeling uncomfortable or think about him dying. I have been working on a letter to give to him so far it has 1 paragraph. It is so hard to find words to express my love and appreciation for him without it sounding like a goodbye because the way I look at it is that he is still here and as long as he is, I am going to try to keep things as normal as possible. I try to make him smile and laugh everyday and when he is ill I try to comfort him and make him feel as best as can be. I have gotten past my denial of him being able to beat this despite the odds that his oncologist gave to us. I have accepted it and since I have accepted the fact that I am loosing my dad I have been quite emotional. My husband says I have been easily irritable and he thinks I should look into depression meds. I find myself getting angry with my husband because he still has both parents and does not understand me and him telling me that I need medication because I am sad or pissed off at the universe for hurting my dad is not helping. I am so glad that I have found this website! I feel like I can express my anger and sadness and anything else that this time in my life is making me feel like without judgment but with sympathy and understanding from people who have or are dealing with the same emotions. I thank you all! I feel like a billion pounds have been lifted off my shoulders just being able to talk about this.

As far as my dad goes, his birthday was great! He was having a "good day" yesterday and he had a lot of friends call and stop by with gifts and cards and even an apple pie (his fave). I was very happy to have shared that with him. He truly is fantastic! I bought him a jump box ( it is like jumper cables except you don't need a car) his old one had recently died on him. He seemed to rather enjoy it.

Thanks again ladies for all the kindness you have provided to me. Again, I truly appreciate all of you!

-Sharla

[loulou]

Sharla,it sounds to me like you are doing everything in your power to make him happy and feel loved.I think he is very lucky to have you as a daughter,you sound like his angel.I think a note would be the perfect way to say all you feel.

[magickitty]

Hi Sharla,

Wow, your emotions sound so familiar! I'm going through a lot of the same things over the imminent loss of my friend -- the losing it when the husband isn't home, the constant need to say "I love you", the feeling bad for wanting to be happy, etc. I guess I have the one benefit that he lives on the other side of the country, so I can let myself cry and he won't know (I did cry once when we were on the phone, and I think that bothered him).

Your dad sounds like a great guy. I wish you both, and the rest of your family, the best of luck in these tough times.

[SHeiss]

Hi Magic!

Thanks for your response. I thought I was the only person who experienced emotions like these until I stumbled upon this site. It is nice to know that I am not crazy for grieving the way that I am and have been.

It is super hard to be around my dad because I want to cry, but I force myself to spend as much time with him as possible and I try to make sure we have fun and that he is comfortable and smiling. I try to make him forget about his cancer and forget about death and to just live while he is able to when I am around. The other day he started talking about taking all of his toys and such in the garage to the dump because "what the hell will your mom do with it all when I am gone?" is what he said. I don't know if he is trying to get a feel for how I feel about him dying or what. I felt bad as I kind of just ignored the whole topic after that.

Anyway Magic, I am very sorry for your friend and if you do ever want to chat about it just email me. I will listen to you without judging you or your feelings.

You have my love and support and you and your friend are in my thoughts!

-Sharla