I'm Just Going Through The Motions

[Suzanne R.]

I'm just living with an unbearable knowledge that my husband is really gone. (I can't even say the word dead in the same sentence as Danny.) Right now I just feel so low and depressed and I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done. I feel dead unto myself, I have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, I am carrying a burden and I'm just waiting for my own demise. Everything that I have to do in my life is done and I am so depressed, I wanted to get off this emotional roller coaster, but I don't even have the willingness to do that, so I live day by day and I hate the sunshine, I despise the chirping birds and I loathe laughter and I feel indifferent to pain. What I loved most in this world is gone and it means nothing to me anymore, being at the beach with my husband, laughing and talking with our family, listening to music. It all means nothing to me now. There is no point to anything any more. But, I do have to say that all of you who has tried to help me with advice, understanding and have been supportive and you are grieving as well so I am thankful for doing your best to help and I pray God blesses you all.

[Susie Q]

Yes Suzanne - it all seems so meaningless and grey now. And I fear it will be like that for me for a long, long time. Accepting that it was going to be that way has made it just a little easier for me and it lets me use what little inner strength I have to do something positive each day. I hope you too find some solace over time..Susie Q

[LindaG]

Suzanne-

You are absolutely not alone. I am a week away from the six month anniversary of my husband's death at age 39. You will learn how to protect yourself from the people and daily activiities that send you into a spin. You learn how to "manage" your day. This is what I have found. I had spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at family dinners and wanted to jump out of my skin and run away down the road at each....so I hiked yesterday and listened to Joe's IPod. Sad, yes - but less stress than faking that you are not a mess.

I have given myself a year. One year before I take a plan of action as to what is next. That plan has changed thirty times in six months. There are days that I am strong and feel I could go back to an office/work setting and then most days I do not have it in me. I work from home. I read. I paint - keep busy. I still don't sleep more than a few hours so that cripples thinking clearly.

It is a fog - a sad fog. The best advice I can give is to figure a way in the next months to protect yourself from the triggers that really send you into anguish. I found building a routine and adding a few things each month has worked.

Our spouses would not want us to give up. My Joe would be furious if he could see me still crying every night. We need to be strong and work thru what we can as the more you can manage the more you do sense some relief.

I hope this helps.

- Linda G

[Lainey]

Suzanne, I read your post and it was very sad. I want to add to it, but I'm having technical difficulties with my computer.

Thanks, Lainey.

[kayc]

That is a normal response that we've all been through, for a very long time we feel like we're just going through the motions of existence. I'm sorry...I wish there was another way to evolve through this,

[Lainey]

Dear Suzanne, I'm hoping this works today, as I feel very bad posting your subject as if it were mine,

As I read your letter I could almost feel your pain and as everyone knows who is on this site..the pain can be unbearable. It reminded me of how I felt after the service was over, the relatives went home and the kids went back to work. My only problem was having to get through Xmas without Lars

I was at a bookstore and found On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. This book has many highlights marked, it is a very good book to read, especially the chapter on Afterlife.

Suzanne, you will start to enjoy all the things that you used to and you will begin to remember the special things about your life with your loved one. It comes back at very unexpected times and I know when it happened to me I felt like a heavy weight was lifted, even for a few minutes.

Do you think your husband wants you to feel this way, I think he is watching you with a heavy heart. He wants to see your beautiful smile that was special to him and he would love to hear your laughter again.

I believe that our loved ones are watching us at all times and it gives me comfort.

Another thing that I did was start a journal, at first I wrote every day, now usually every other day. Reading back in it I can see the progress I am making. I will always miss my darling but am learning how to go on. Hopefully you can do the same

Thinking of you, Lainey

Edited April 7, 2010 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Korina]

Suzanne:

I distinctly remember the moment, shortly after Scott died, when I really did not care if I lived or died. But I have slowly worked back into life, albeit life without my soulmate. Though this may not be the thinking for everyone, one thought that helped me was that it would be wrong to give up, for the sakes of those around me who cared about me. And I do believe that one day I will be reuinited with Scott, so though that day is most likely a long ways away, it is a comforting thought.

You are not alone, Suzanne.

Korina