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This Pain Is Unbearable

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My darling husband passed away unexpectedly on March 5th. He had a tough 2009 - aortic valve replacement and bladder cancer diagnosis 7 months later - but was doing fabulously well - heart valve working perfectly, cancer free - and his spirits (he was THE most positive man ) were soaring. We were so optimistic and grateful. Then, out of no where, he died....just like that. We had known each other since we were kids - married 45 years - and, particularly given all the health issues last year, became closer than ever. In a moment, it was all over. I am so devastated - life is just existing....breathing in and out. Thinking of being without him forever is just unbearable. My grown kids have been/are simply wonderful. I adore my grand children. I have a great job. None of this matters. I am so angry at the "universe" - like someone played a cruel trick on us. I know the answer is "one day at a time"......but I can hardly bear the pain.

Thanks for listening. I know if you are reading this, you too are hurting badly.

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Dear Alone 27

The pain of missing someone is like nothing else. I also had no warning that my husband would die. You'll find that you do bear the unbearable - don't ask me how! At eight months on, I cry and feel the physical agony of his loss every minute, but then to most of the outside world - I'm coping. It took me 6 months to be able to seem 'normal' - I look forward to a day when it feels even a tiny bit that way.

I'm so sorry that you too are hurting like this. This site is a great help to me - return ofen...Susie Q

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Hello Alone,

I to feel your pain and am sorry for your pain...my wife passed unexpected 2/14/10 she was supposed

to have at least 10 months more after already fighting 9 months and beating all the odds, the cancer started

last May, I find strength in going each day thinking and knowing our loved ones would not want us to

be so hurt and unhappy yet we are, my wife and I spoke about that she told me to not be sad even though

she knew I would be she said go each day remembering all the love we shared and all the happy times we had

and she'd be with me everyday in my mind, heart and soul...because nothing can ever take away the memories...

keep comming back and we will all help each other with our loneliness and challanges we now have to overcome....

here's a quote form one of my other greif brochures from a local group I attend and it makes so much sense....


"Greiving requires enormous energy, but pretending that you're not greiving requires even more.

You begin to sense that your world is anxious for you to get on with your life,

and no one understands that this is your life and you are getting on with it..

"This is it folks"

Then others times you pretend and wear a mask and preform like a trained seal

just to keep what's left of your world from leaving you"

~By Sue Catherine Holtkamp Ph.D.

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Hi, I'm Terry, from Louisiana. This club that no one wants to be in, gets bigger everyday. My husband also, had a AVR in May, 1999. Ten years of coumadin and lovenox shots, takes its tole on a person. Then the big C hits and sometimes it's more than a body can bare. It has been six weeks for me. I went to social security today, to sign up for my 255 dollars, when the funeral cost 12,500. We had been married 35 years, he had been ill off and on, mostly on, for the last 30 years. I know I would do it all again. One thing I know now is that he is no longer in that horrible pain.

My husband had bile duct cancer, which is abou 2 out of every 100,000 cases of cancer. I should have known that he would get something that is so rare.

A friend of mine took me out to eat last week. I have a shirt that says "My husband was so brave, that God made him a angel". The lady who showed us to our table, read it and gave me a big hug, and put something in my hand. It was a coin with Jesus on one side and The Last Supper on the other. Simple things of kindness, is what we need more of.

As long as I keep busy, I usually do OK, not great, but OK. It is the afternoons after work and weekends that get to me. I spent the day today with my daughter, thank God for her.

I'm like you I wish I could wake-up from this nightmare, and he would roll through the house with his yellow wheelchair. I can't hardly look at it without crying.

I'll pray for you, and you pray for me, maybe we'll make it together.

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Yes the pain feels unbearable. I am so sorry you lost your husband. Please come here and share any time...there are a lot of people here going through the loss of their spouses and there'll be someone to hear you and respond.

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Alone - I am so sorry for your loss. There is no answer, and for me, just getting through every day was an accomplishment. Like, am I still here? What for? The day to day isn't a platitude, it's survival - which is all you need to think about right now. I know you're just existing. It's ok to just do that. It's necessary to do just that. You'll find support here, and that's crucial - to know that what you're feeling and going through is normal, the new normal.

Note to Terry - My Joe died of billiary duct cancer as well. It's very rare, yes. I remember going on line, and everything said was basically, he's a dead man. Once it's diagnosed, it's terminal. It took 4 months - from a healthy 210 pound man to 120 pounds - it was beyond surreal. I'm praying for all of us..Hugs, marsha

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Thank you all for your kind words - I'm still in a state of disbelief......waiting for our # to show up on an incoming call and know it's him.He was always concerned about me - was I worrying too much? Was I handling things appropriately? More than anything in the world, I miss the touch of his hand - always there to anchor me. He was doing so well - we were filled with hope - all reports were great. Then, suddenly, he didn't return a call....not at all like my Joely. When I found out he missed a routine Dr's appt I immediately knew he was dead......and, it was so. It was like a bad cosmic joke - build us up, give us hope, then this. He taught others how to live - he was positive and full of love for life. He carried around a fortune cookie saying that simply said......"just living is a wonderful thing!" That was Joely....and now he's gone.

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I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is horrible, and I feel it also. My husband of nearly 20 years, Michael died unexpectedly of a massive coronary on January 13, 2010. I was in the hospital for total knee replacement at the time. It is still like a bad bad dream, and I keep hoping I will wake up. Like you I have wonderful grown children, grandchildren, a great job, and wonderful friends, but right now none of that seems to matter a lot. My heart goes out to you. To me one of the biggest regrets is not being with Michael when he died....he was alone at home, died sometime just after midnight. He lay on our dining room floor until late in the afternoon, when our daughter found him. At least he was surrounded by his animals who loved him, our Corgi girls, and a big old crippled sheppard mix who he had rescued. They guarded him until my daughter came into the house, and even then did not want to leave his side. He so loved animals, and I feel that their being there was a comfort. At least it is a comfort to me.

We are all in this boat together, and I am so glad I found this forum, where people understand.

I will be thinking of you.

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Your description is so heartbreakingly familiar. I am 42, and contemplating living the rest of my life without Scott seems, well, to be an eternity. He was my soulmate. I miss our conversations SOOOOO much.

At first, breathing in and out, and surviving each moment is really all you can do. It helps to have a project to focus on, sometimes (gives your brain something else to think about). Remember to eat, and perhaps get some exercise (go for a walk, or whatever you enjoy). This process is terribly stressful and exhausting, so you need to be kind to yourself, though it is the last thing you probably feel like doing.

Please continue to check in here, reading about others, and sharing your experiences really does help.

Take care,


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