Six Month Anniversary

[Dale&Sue]

Hi everyone; I'm writing this from work. I really shouldn't even be here. I'm afraid I'm just going to go on and on, ad nauseaum, but I know I have to get this out. I feel like I'm going to die.

I met my partner, Dale, at my workplace 20 years ago. I work in an academic library and assisted him with some research he was doing. It's never supposed to be "healthy" but it was love at first sight. We both felt like we had known each other for ever, and we quickly became partners for life. Six months ago today, the company he worked for had to send someone here, to my workplace, to tell me he was gone.

I don't want to scare anyone new, but the pain is even worse than it was when they first told me and I dropped to my knees when I found out he was gone. I know I was totally in shock and that's worn off. But I also know it's worse because of some of the things that transpired after he died. I believe those events have complicated the grief process and I really don't know how I can ever heal. Dale had two children from other relationships, so of course, this situation was rather difficult for all of us. I thought I was really close to his kids, they are adults, and I always supported him in being a good father. I expected no less of him. Almost from the moment he was dead though, both of these kids began to attack me in the cruelest manner possible. His son demanded that I immediately hand over Dale's motorcycle to him and bad mouthed me to all of Dale's family when I said I need time to go through all our finances etc. His daughter attacked me verbally right after I'd walked with Dale's casket out to the hearse. This kind of stuff went on for several months...not once did either actually ask how I was doing or offer any help whatsoever. To top it all off, Dale and I were supposed to be buying a house we'd lived in and rented for 15 years. It was our home in the country. We thought we had an agreement with our friend and there was just paperwork to be done. We'd already transferred part of the money to the friend's account. The final transaction had not occurred when Dale died. So, our so-called friend phoned me two days after Dale's death and said I'm not selling you the house. You have six months to move out. I have to hand over the keys on Saturday, April 24...6 months to the day we held a memorial service for Dale. I've had to go through all his clothes and other personal belongings and organize this move at the same time.

I don't know if I can make it through this...sometimes I really don't care. Sorry for the run on note. I just needed to write this out. Susan

[kayc]

Susan,

I am so sorry to hear of all you are going through. I, too, have been in those overwhelming places where you feel everything is spiraling out of control and you feel helpless. Please know that this situation is temporary and it will not feel like this forever. Also, please accept my heartfelt (((hugs))).

You don't say how old his kids are but if they are young adults, it's possible they are immature and also in going through their own grief they are not thinking of you in yours. I'm so sorry! Families can be disappointing and seem unfeeling at times. I hope someday it changes between you but if it doesn't, at least you can hold your head up knowing you've done your best and your Dale would understand.

I wish I could give 50 lashes to your "friend" that is reneging on your agreement! Do you have anything in writing that would back you legally? I, too, have had people dear to me that have "taken" me and can only leave it to God to sort out in His way and in His due time.

You are doing what you must for today, the sorting, packing, etc., I know it seems unbearable. Do you have any friends that can help you with this? Sometimes just not being alone with it can help. Do you need to sort out all of Dale's belongings right now or can you just throw them in boxes and go through them later on when you're more up to it? How I wish I could give you more than just words! I will be praying for you, please try to hang in there, it will get better.

Love,

Kay

[Dale&Sue]

KayC, Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. I have been unable to write about some of this until today. It hurt dreadfully to lose Dale but I have truly thought I would go crazy with all the others issues piled on top of that.

As for the friend and the house: We had no formal agreement. Because this was a close friend, or so we thought, we had a verbal agreement, very casual. We had transferred the money to his account just to show "good faith." I could probably take him to court because everyone knew we had a verbal agreement and I have the proof of the transfer of funds. I decided not to do so. This guy's whole extended family has farmland and houses all around the house and 5 acres we lived on. Why push myself where I'm so obviously not welcome. On a happier note, I have bought a quarter section of land right down the road from where we lived. With the help of many friends and family, I'm going to be building a small cabin. It's for Dale. I simply cannot leave the area; that is where his spirit is and I won't leave him.

I shouldn't make it sound like I'm going through this move/grief entirely alone. I have people who loved both of us, and they have been right there helping me and often crying with me. For that I am so grateful. Thanks Again. You have no idea how much you have comforted me. Susan

[kayc]

Susan,

I am so glad you will be able to build a cabin there...I hope you feel Dale close to you there as you did in the home you shared together. I still think that "friend" is rotten but hey, we'll let karma deal with him. You sound very wise and I'm sure that wisdom will carry you. I'm glad you have a good support system and real friends that are there to help you. (((hugs)))

Kay

[Korina]

Susan:

I reiterate everything Kay has said. Also, I hope this 'friend' has returned your downpayment! What an awful thing to do! As for the kids, hold your head high, do what you can, and as Kay said, perhaps with time, they will come around.

This whole first year has been so hard, and six months for me was right at Christmas - arghh!! It is now 10 months for me, and while I guess, this new reality has taken on a quality of routine, my heart always has this tear in it. And I continue to have episodes, usually at night, but they can hit ANYTIME. It feels like crying is the only thing that will relieve this swelling in my heart (not a good swelling, like when you fell in love). On the other hand, I do have other times that are quite good. So I am learning to just take the good, the bad, and the sad as they come.

A big hug from British Columbia (actually, physically, at the moment, from Quebec with Scott's mom).

Korina

[Sharon3]

Susan..isn't there a song that says "You find out who your friends are"..........how true it is. I am dealing with a so called friend who is ripping me off, not in the same way, and I have my husband's family who I have not heard from since Xmas Eve when they left my house and said they would call. Up until then it had been all me..so I decided to see if they would contact me and no but I know my husband knows I did everything possible over a period of 10 months to keep them in my life... so while our circumstances are different, bottom line is friends and family disappoint us and it is difficult to deal with on top of our grief..so try and look on the other side where friends and family have gathered around to support and love you. What goes around comes around and you can hold your head high..................I too had to deal with my husband's things 4/5 months after he passed away and it tore me apart but it has to be done at some point and when I look back, as difficult as it was, it is done......I have you in my thoughts today..Sharon

[wildcat15]

Hi Susan

I can relate to your sudden loss of someone who was so important to you. i lost my mom in a plane crash 3 years ago and

i cant even say that the shock of any of it as worn off. reading that you feel like you are going to die is so understandable for me on

certain days.

i am so sorry for your loss. as i attempt to find any words that might comfort you, i know there arent any...just know that

my heart goes out to you and you are not alone in your grief

stacey

[DeeGee]

I am so sorry that you too have had to go through not only the death of your loved one but also the mistreatment and being ignored by his family members. It does make a horrible time even more horrible.

I was in a 20 year relationship with my husband, married to him for the last 20 months of his life. As it happened, we made the decision to marry 6 months prior to his diagnosis with cancer. My husband had a job with good benefits that involved health insurance, life insurance, and a pension. But I came into the marriage more financially stable and with more resources than he had. And there was no prenuptial.

For all the years of our relationship my husband had his son named as beneficiary on his work insurance policy. Even at the time of our marriage, I did not ask him to change that. Then, 6 months prior to his death, HE contacted his work and changed the policy to name me as his beneficiary.

WELL, two days after the funeral his son verbally attacked me over this. This 30 year old brat, who lives out of state and had last been in town 9 months prior and had visited with his father for exactly ONE HOUR during that visit, had called my husband's place of work to "find out whose name was on the insurance policy" and "could not believe I was getting everything".

So, unfortunately, this is the kind of stuff that some of us encounter. As for the remainder of my husband's family, I had one sister at the luncheon after the funeral service asking if she could come over the next day to "reclaim" a piece of furniture that had been in her family. Fine, I allowed it. I've never heard from the woman since. Nor have I heard from the other sister OR his twin brother! So there you go.

I know it sounds harsh, but save yourself the heartbreak of thinking that his children will offer you any kind of comfort at all. They won't. When all they are looking for are the dear man's assets that quickly after his death, it tells you a lot about the character of that person.

Along with writing thank you notes for flower arrangements, I sat and wrote personal thank you notes to each of my husband's siblings for any and all assistance they had given to him during his illness (and it wasn't all that much, believe me) and for their attendance at the viewings and the funeral.

None of them ever has called me to see how I am doing. Not a call or a Christmas card over the holidays from any of them, and I know the one sister has the entire family to her house EVERY Christmas, because John and I went every year.

Who needs these kind of people in their life?

[kayc]

DeeGee,

I'm so sorry you went through all that. Sometimes adult children can be way different than they were raised to be. In this instance, I'd let it go and certainly reject any guilt. You were your husband's mainstay and he wanted to provide for you in the event of his death.

[Dale&Sue]

Hi DeeGee: I understand just how painful the attack by your husband's son was. I know, from my own experience with this stuff, that it is trauma piled on the trauma of a longtime partner's death. I was treated, like you, as if I was a "gold digger." Both of these adult children, one is 27; the other is 40, objected to the fact that I was "getting everything." The actual amount left after bills etc. is relatively small. Anyway, sometimes people don't realize that the person left behind has to rebuild an entire life and that their financial situation may not be all that rosy. What hurt me most..and I think you...is the lack of any recognition of this or concern about your welfare.

I know that my Dale would be extremely upset if he could see what his children did to me. I'm sure that your husband would feel the same way. Anyway, I kind of did the same as you. I comforted both, even after the attack, by immediately giving them some of his prized personal possessions and assuring both that their father loved them and would have done anything for them. I can see you did the same sort of thing...so, all I can say is we did the right thing and, as someone else said, we can hold our heads up high. And...as time progresses, I am more able to focus on those who loved and cared for both of us and who have been supportive and caring during this time of grief. I hope the same for you. Focus on those people. I hear you...my counselor told me that I have to accept the fact that as soon as Dale was gone, to the kids, I was gone as well. So Sad. Take care and hang in there. Susan

[annette85035]

Hello Sue-

You're in the right place so you know you are NOT alone in your pain!

We may be all strangers and we may never meet,but we have so much in common!