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Delayed Grief

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im not really sure how this all works but i am so willing to try anything that might alleviate the pain i feel in my heart.

i lost my mom in a plane crash 3 years ago and I have had the misfortune of never knowing how to deal with it, so i have put it on

a shelf for 3 years. there has been so many other family of origin issues that i have had to work through before getting to the place I am now...

which seems, more prepared to deal with my loss.

the pain that i feel is so overwhelming that i honestly dont know how well i will be able to let myself feel all the insurmountable hurt that follows

the thought of not having a mom. she died when i was 24, and i rarely meet people my age that have lost their moms...most people, i have found, have lost

their dad.

i am reaching out bc i know i need to feel less alone in my grief, even though, individually, i know all of our pain is different. im just really scared to tap into

all the loss i know i have to face, and the realization that she is gone for the rest of my life is too hard to swallow. makes me wonder if all i will ever be able to do

is poke the massive bubble above my head that is filled with all the hurt that will coming pouring out if i let it.

i have worked so hard at trying to get to a point where i can even just say the words out loud, and often shame myself for not being furhter along with my grief bc

of the calendar date, and bc of all the idiots in the world that tell me I need to get a grip on the situation. im sorry, did you lose your mom?! makes me so angry and hurt...and I feel more alone.

just wanted to reach out...without the fear that i have always had since she died- which is that no one really thinks this is a big deal and i just need to get over it. i minimize my hurt

so much, and its breaking my heart in two.

i hate that i dont have a mom.


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Hello Stacey , Welcome to this site, I'm glad you found it! First of all- I'm so sorry about your Mom, I wish there were something I could say, and more than anything I wish I could give you a big hug. I lost my Dad suddenly on Dec.30th, 2009 , I have been grieving hard for 4 months now. Sometimes I have wished I could have just pushed all the pain aside and not dealt with it, but now after reading your story I realize that's not the way to do it either I guess? So it doesn't matter WHEN you start the grieving process, it's just important that you DO !

This site is a great place to get it all out, you can write all your innermost feelings (good, bad, & ugly), and No one will judge you, We will all be right here to listen, and try to help eachother! I wanted to ask you if you had any kind of family support? (Dad, or siblings?) I know what you mean about others thinking you ought to be better by now, As far as I can tell- after losing a parent it will be a long, long time before we are better(if ever) :(

I look forward to reading more posts from you, there's something about the sharing of stories here that does help in this healing process. Peace and hugs to you!, Jodi :)

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My dear Stacey,

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and it's good to know that you've found your way to our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups. This assembly of very caring, compassionate individuals is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself: the support and understanding of others who are mourning the death of their mothers and fathers, too.

In addition, I think it's important to recognize that yours is a unique sort of loss, in that your mother was killed in a plane crash. Those who've lost loved ones this way would be the first to tell you that what helped them most was the opportunity to talk with others who shared that unique, traumatic loss experience with them -- and it does not matter if the plane crash happened one, two, ten or twenty years ago. Please pay a visit to this Web site, Aircraft Casualty Emotional Support Services (ACCESS) and see all the support services offered there. As stated on their Web site,

ACCESS is a San Francisco based national non-political, non-profit, tax-exempt (501c3) organization established in 1996. It is the only organization dedicated to partnering those who have survived or lost loved ones in air disasters with Volunteer Grief Mentors who have experienced similar losses in years past. The ACCESS Volunteer Grief Mentoring Program provides support to hundreds of grief-stricken individuals affected by commercial, private, helicopter, and military air disasters, including those who lost loved ones in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. We are available to help immediately and in the weeks, months, and years following an air disaster. For as long as the grieving need support, ACCESS is available via the Toll-Free Helpline (877-227-6435) and Web site, http://www.accesshelp.org.

To get a better sense of how people have been helped by this organization, watch this video: http://www.accesshelp.org/video.html

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Stacey, I'm so sorry you are going through this but you have found a very caring site. There is also a section in here set apart for those who have lost a parent, you might want to read other people's posts there, you'll find you are not alone in your grief.

It is very hard when you lose a loved one unexpectedly and never got to say goodbye. (My husband died of a heart attack and we hadn't known he even had heart trouble). Finding a way to express yourself seems to help...I've used this site, art, and even write in a "Letters to George" file on my computer...it all helps to validate and give voice to your grief. Rituals seems to be of help too, some people light candles, others put flowers on a grave, but you can do whatever you find to bring you comfort and would be befitting your loss. It has helped me tremendously to know that they live on in our hearts...it's not just a mere memory, but their spirit that lives on. Finding your way is a unique journey that is YOUR way...not anyone else's. Some feel a deep need to rid their homes of reminders, others build shrines to them, and there's everything in between or a balance of both...the important thing to know is your feelings are normal, your responses are normal, and there isn't so much a right way or wrong way as there is our own way. Our thoughts and prayers go with you.


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hi Stacey,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. You had 24 yrs with her and only 3 without so of course it's still so very hard. Everyone has their own timelines with grief and I am sorry people are having expectations that you "get over it". I don't think we ever "get over it" (I honestly hate those words), this is not a bad day, a bad year that you just get over. It's the loss of such a huge important part of you, your life. I think we maybe just learn to live with it. I'm only 4 months in after losing my Dad suddenly and I think it will always be a big deal for me, it was my worst nightmare and now I live and breath it every single day.

I've heard some words that I too have felt minimise my grief and it is like a knife straight through my heart. Nobody fully understands the loss and pain, nobody because me and my Dad had a unique relationship, just like you and your Mom and each one of us on here who is dealing with loss ...each loss is unique, each grief is unique. But we find similarities here in our feelings and there's some comfort to know there are others who can relate to the pain.

You're last line really really struck me "I hate that I don't have a Mom" .....I too hate being part of the club of people who have lost their Dad's, my life shouldn't have been like this. But I do still have a Dad, he's just not with me on this earth anymore and I hope and long to know he is still around me altho I don't feel him and I look hard. A friend once told me "there never leave us, they just support us in a different way". I hope that is true.

so please keep writing, we certainly will not judge you and your grief. All we can do is share our feelings. And I know you've mentioned it's your Mom you've lost and for me it's my Dad. But if you read some of the other posts around the site, you may find you can relate to others in some small sense whatever their loss.

know we are here to listen, sending you lots of hugs


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