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Life Without My Dad


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I've been finding lately that more and more I am having split seconds where I think my Dad will be back someday to fix all this, it's like my mind thinks if I wait long enough he will come home but as I said it is literally a split second I have this feeling for. Anyone else feel like that ? It seems to be happening more frequently to me and then my heart just skips a beat with the reality. I have such a hard time grasping this is forever, this is not changing, it cannot change. Sometimes nothing at all feels real. (all split second feelings!)

My heart is just so broken beyond "repair" and as time passes my old happy life with Dad is slipping further and further away from me.

I will be 100% honest here, I hate life now as much as I love my Dad so that's one big lot of emotion! I don't think I will ever ever be happy again, there is nothing that can make me happy anymore. I am wishing my life away, wishing for the day I HOPEFULLY get to be with Dad again (don't get me wrong, I've NO INTENTION of doing anything about this, wouldn't dream of putting my Mom through that). But I just wish it was over, I've had my good times here, I have no mass on life anymore, I've had enough.

Nothing is good enough anymore without my Dad, nothing has any meaning anymore for me.

I get so scared at the thoughts of having to go through this again someday if anything happens to my Mom and I just hope I won't survive that, that God (who or whatever) will just take me too.

The real truth from the botton of my heart is that I actually don't even care that I feel like this, I don't care about happiness anymore because to me it's just as impossible as my Dad walking in the front door hugging me.

I wonder is this "normal", am I the only one who feels this, do others hope for happiness (I think they do!!) It's not like I hope someday I'll be happy again, I simply don't care, I just don't want and I don't want any help changing this ....that's the raw truth from the bottom of my broken heart :(

I guess it's easier to post here, I know my friends hurt when I talk like that (so I lighten it a little when talking to them) and I definitely don't want to hurt or worry my Mom, I would never tell her this. (she knows how sad I am coz so is she but I know if it wasn't for me she's told me she would just want to be with Dad)

hope I don't sound too nuts :)

lots of hugs and love :wub: to all

a broken niamh

xo

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Niamh,

I do feel that only the body is lost but the soul lives on. Our loved ones are there for us and if we can find them in our heart, through our responsibilities then we will feel them again. Please concentrate on yourself and be nice to self. I still believe that although we can not see them , they are here and everywhere. I read a book Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra and it may be unbelievable or not easy to grasp that we can not see our loved ones but we believe in our loved ones and have faith that our beloved souls are here for us.

Sincerely,

Kavish

Edited by MartyT
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My sweet friend,I'm sitting here this morning with tears running down my face.I'm having a very hard time too.I have been thinking I'm going crazy,because every day,I think I see my dad..driving,walking,at gas stations.My phone rings,and I think it's him.Is this denial?I didn't think I ever had that step.I know he is dead,but my heart is rejecting it.(its split second feelings for me,too.)I will be 100 with you, only here,only right now.I hate my life right now as much as I miss him.I think my fiancee and I are gonna split.Every relationship I have had is crumbling.I have NEVER felt this alone and lost.Then again my dad ALWAYS had my back.He ALWAYS listened to me,never judged,and was there for me,everytime I needed a shoulder.I want to talk to him sooo bad.I'm in so much pain,REAL pain,in my heart.I have no one.I feel like I'm fighting a battle I could never win.I feel like happiness is gone.It makes sense because I have never met anyone half as funny as my dad.I feel like my smile is gone with him.I dont care about anything anymore.I try,but it's just exhausting. Hang in there Niamh, I'm your friend in grief,love Lila

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I have heard of that book.I want to read it.Do you really feel sure that our love one's live on?I want to believe so badly.A medium that read Deepak after his father died,and did a great job(they say) is coming to a town near mine,and I have tickets to see her.She will be doing readings,and I CANT WAIT.I just hope....

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My dear friends in greif, Niamh and Loulou, I am so sorry that you feel like this. I have my moments of the same thinking but, the way I get thru it, most of the time, is that I know that mom would want me to enjoy life to its fullest until the time we will be together again. I will never be the same person I was before she left me but, I am trying desperately to go on as this new person I've become - sometimes very sad, sometimes able to go on..... I try to think of her - she was very funny - when I feel sad. Also, I talk to her often. I really do feel like she can hear me. Everyday is a new day. Niamh, you are not nuts. This is the way you feel. My feelings change with every second of the clock. Hopefully, we will eventually find our way.

This has been said over and over again but, I will say it again. Everyone is different and deals with their grief differently an in their own time so don't feel like you're nuts or alone because I think everyone has those moments. I am trying to be as strong as mom was even though it's hard. My cousin said to me when mom passed (my aunt died 15 years ago) and I asked her if I'll ever be the same she said no but, in time, you will know where to put it all in your heart. I'm not sure I know what that means because I'm not there yet and it's a battle everyday. I went through a couple of months of denial but am past that now. I know mommy is not coming back but, she will always be with me in spirit. That doesn't help when I need that hug that only she could give to me but, as she told me in a dream, this is her destiny.

Loulou, I'm so sorry that you and your fiance are going to split. :(

As tear stream down my face, I wish you both and all peace.....

2sweetgirls

xoxoxoxoxo

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Niamh,

I am so sorry you are hurting as badly as I am. Our situations are a little different but I can relate to your emotions. I pretend to be ok around my family and my husband, but deep down I have a deep hatred for life since my dad was diagnosed. I have been questioning why we are here and I think that there is no point in life. Why do we have feelings of love and emotion just to have the person we love ripped away from us.

I have gotten to the point where I don’t care about anything too. I pretend that I am strong and I am ok, but I cry a lot and I have been experiencing what I think is apathy. I am just numb most days and I don’t even care. I don’t care to change it and I don’t care if everyone that I know leaves because of it. I have got to the point where I just don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t even care about my job… I go to work, but if they fired me I would not care. I don’t care about bills or what people think. The only person I care about these days is my dad and how he is feeling. I have managed to block every other person out and I don’t care if it hurts them or their feelings. I don’t care about their feelings. I am not trying to be rude… but my dad is the only priority I have in life. I care nothing about anyone elses.

I am sorry you feel the same way, because it sucks… I have moments where I get happy but then I go back to either a huge amount of heartache or numbness again. Plus, it is unfair for me to feel happy when my dad is dying. This is NOT a happy time.

I am here for you Niamh if you ever need an ear!

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a million thanks to each of you dear friends for just being there for me without judging.

Kavish, I wish I could find my Dad for real, truly feel him with me, I can only hope someday it happens, someday I really know it, I guess faith isn't enough for me right now, I need so much more.I wonder so much does he try to get messages to me, does he miss me and all that, I have such a huge problem thinking he's happy while we are in such pain, if he sees us why he can't come to us, if he doesn't see us makes me even more scared ....aahhh such confusion eh ! (roll on August, Im hoping Lila's Dad gives her a message and that maybe he'll have one from my Dad aswell ....they've gotta be good buddies now *L*

Lila hunny,denial is exactly what I've been thinking it is and I like the way you put it, our heads know yet our hearts reject it,tey can't take it in.Sweetie, I'm SO SORRY things are so hard with your fiancee, I really don't want more pain for you.

Yeah I hate the loneliness, I feel like Dad just desereted me but I know it wasn't his fault or choice.I just feel he went away without me and it's scary not having that one person who was 100% reliable and just always always there for anything anytime.Like you I just want to talk to him ...have a 2 way conversation. Nobody else is good enough, it's just so dam lonely.

2sweetgirls, thanks for sharing hun....I try not to think of things and just let the feelings come and try not to think of tmrw, try to just get through each moment that I live in, good to know I'm not nuts :).I try to talk to my Dad but its more like a vent here and there....maybe in time I can really sit and talk to him properly, altho I do write to him all the time and always hope he see it

Sheiss, wow my heart really goes out to you hun, I cannot even imagine your situation. I think you are right having your Dad as your top priority now, it's all about you and him. If only we could reverse all this. It's just so horrible being part of this "club" now and to see it happening every day to so many people.

I am just so glad that I am not alone with my feelings altho I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy and I wish I could take it all away from all of you.

I just found out this evening my best friend's Dad is dying. He's been sick the last couple of years and has been going downhill rapidly but now he will not be released from hospital after going in a week ago, they are literally waiting for it to happen. She had a relationship with her Dad like I did with mine but she kinda lost him a couple of years ago (losing oxygen to brain with emphysema)....his memory started going really bad, he barely engages in chat (he was such a chatty man) so she's told me she spent a year grieving already to a certain extent BUT I still don't think it's the same. They are now waiting for that dreaded call and I dont think it will make it any easier for her just because they didn't talk like they used to and things had changed ....he's still here. I'M DREADING IT, for her, for me, for my Mom (my Dad was friends with hers growing up and then our parents became friends....in fact I call her my cousin we are so close!), the thoughts of a funeral so soon, so close to my heart AGAIN.

OH MY GOD, just saw on FB this second an old school friends Dad died 1st of May and I've only just found out. I don't know anymore, I'm surrounded by it (I was only thinking this evening they say it happens in 3s). I'm dam sick of it all.

LOTS OF HUGS AND LOVE to you all, I can't write anymore,I want to sleep and never wake up

XOXOOXOXOX

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Hi Niamh,

I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could relate but since my dad and I had quite a different relationship... My dad sexually, physcially, emotionally, and verbally abused me for many years... At first when he died I was sad and than I felt this safe feeling all over me... I know that this sound really weird but I felt like i could start living again and there was no one around to hurt me anymore... This is why I have stopped my grief journey because I need to learn to forgive my dad before i can move on... Sorry again for your loss and all the pain you are going through... Shelley

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I am crying with you to read this..I have not been on this site for a while... I lost my dad in dec 2008 and find myself back here hurting so much right now. I still have my mom too and so relate to you, if I lost her that seems like the end...she is my best friend...I said selfishly all my life that I didn't want to ever deal with losing my parents..(not right..). they are supposed to go before us but when you have a great family it is sooooo hard.. i think about my dad every day, i would like to say it gets easier but when you are daddy's girl and he is gone it is just never the same..I try so hard to cherish all the wonderful memories and it does help at times..my mom is what hurts me the most...she had 48 wonderful years with the greatest partner and i wonder if she will ever be really ok..we have strong faith and the LORD is with us to get thru every day..I didn't feel this way until losing my dad. Please know they are looking over us every day and we will be with them aaagainagainsomeday..It

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I lost my father 2.5 years ago as well and still have my mom and little brother. It still hurts every day. Going through the grieving process these past years has really gotten me interested in looking at how grief and death stand in society. Right now I am studying journalism and for a final project I am writing up a story targeted toward teenage girls who have also lost a parent. I was wondering if anyone else lost a parent while in their middle to upper teens, or early twenties might be interested in talking to me for my project. I believe our voices are the only ones to dismiss some of the myths about grief and help others who have lost parents or teens who want to best support grieving friends. Please message me if you could help.

best wishes,

natalie21

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Niamh,

A quote that's always stuck with me was the Queen (here in the UK for those elsewhere!) saying "Grief if the price we pay for love" after 9/11. So simple, beautiful & all too true. It's one tough price, but one I wouldn't swap for the time I had with my Dad, although he'd frequently drive me crazy ;-)

In the last 5 years I've lost both my grandmothers and my aunt, whose life support my Mum & I had to switch off. Now (as you know Niamh) my Dad has gone too, and I'm also terrified of losing Mum now - all the family I was closest too apart from Mum have gone. All seems so very unfair.

One final thing for tonight, about when the doctor came to certify my Dad's death. He was a most amazing Doc, to the point but in the kindest good humoured way, and with so much compassion. When he came into Dad's room, and commented that he looked peaceful (which he did) - but that he "isn't there anymore, is he?" - which he wasn't. Sounds daft, and I'm not particularly religious (indeed right now I struggle with the idea at all) but there is something odd when someone goes - shortly after, and not immediately on death, something changes and the soul seems to go. Probably crazy, but I've seen it too often. I firmly hope one day I'll in someway get to be with those I love who have gone before me.

Take care, night.

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Hi Niamh,

I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could relate but since my dad and I had quite a different relationship... My dad sexually, physcially, emotionally, and verbally abused me for many years... At first when he died I was sad and than I felt this safe feeling all over me... I know that this sound really weird but I felt like i could start living again and there was no one around to hurt me anymore... This is why I have stopped my grief journey because I need to learn to forgive my dad before i can move on... Sorry again for your loss and all the pain you are going through... Shelley

hi Shelley, My heart goes out to you so much, everyone deserves a good loving Dad and I am so sorry that you didn't have that. I hope you will be able to forgive him...for you..... I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I hope therapy is helping and that you will be able to continue it. I admire you for even being able to share this with us, I hope so much the day comes where you reach the point of being able to forgive him.

big (((((HUGS))))) to you

niamh

xo

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Blue eyes, I am so sorry about your Dad. No I never wanted to deal with it either, my friends and I talked about it over the last couple of years and it was always my worst nightmare ever and now I'm living it. Like you my heart is also so broken for my Mom, I know I am all that is keeping her going and vice versa really to be honest. Do you feel your Dad around you ? I don't and it's something I struggle so much with, I just want to feel him, really know he's around me, faith is just not enough anymore for me, I need proof (doesn't everyone eh !!)

Natalie, so sorry about your Dad hun.Unfortunately I don't fall into the teen or 20s category so not sure if I can help you, I am 35. I don't think people have any idea at all about grief until it hits them. I know I didn't before this, I had some pre-conceived ideas which were so off the mark now that I look back.

Rory, yep I've heard that said before and it's so true. I wouldn't change or trade the love and relationship with my Dad for anything but now I feel I will suffer until the day I meet him again because it was all so great. Loulou told me a while back about something she had see/read on grief, that it is the opposite of love ......"when you love someone you send all this love and energy their way.When they die,all that love and energy get blocked inside you,because there is no where for it to go". I too hope and wait for the day I can be with him and hope we never ever have to let go again, it's about the only thing I genuinely look forward to.

hugs and love to all my dearest friends in grief

niamh

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