My Two Soldiers Called Home!

[FLERIN]

Where do I begin? I'm still not sure. I am a young 28 year old woman who has lost so much so fast. My husband passed away

December 20, 2004 and my dad passed away December 25,2004, yes only five days apart. This story is still so very hard to swallow for most including myself but it so very hard for me everyday. I have started counseling twice a week and let me say it really does help. The hardest part of that was walking through the door to my counselor office for the very first time. I know I am not hte only person going through such a tragidy but let me say I feel so alone. I have a very large and loving family yet I still feel very alone because my husband and I were so insepartable.

How do I find myself now that my best friend, lover, soulmate is now gone from my life in an instant? I rely alot on prayer because I know that everything happens for a reason but this whole situation really makes me wonder things like what did I do so wrong to deserve this or why me?

Then there are other times I sit back and say you are being so very selfish because I miss them so much. Should I not be selfish? This was my husband and my dad! I truly admired both of them for so many reasons one being they both were marines and they both had the ability to make everything better even if life was crappy that day they always made it better. Most of all they both loved me no matter what I said or did. I loved them just the same and I will continue to love them everyday of my life. If any one has any suggestions or thoughts please feel free to send them my way. I've got my ears turned on!!!!!! Thanks for listening

Erin in Florida

[spela]

Erin,

I'm sorry for your loss. The boy that I love died on January 27th - of cancer. Two days after his 32nd birthday. He couldn't even celebrate his birthday. On that day he woke up in the middle of the night, in pain, he was screaming ... I don't know how I've survived so far. I think I still haven't accepted it. Deep inside I'm somehow still waiting for this nightmare to be over, I'm waiting for his phone call, a message from him, I'm waiting to see him again - and that I will know that what's happening is not real ... I'll be 27 this month ... Lat year I celebrated my birthday with him, we had a wonderful time, although he still was feeling weak, a few weeks after chemotherapy. I don't know how I'll manage ...

I was with him while he was dying, holding his hand - sometimes I still feel his hand in mine ... I don't know how I managed then to tell him, in his last hour in this life, that I let him go if he has to ... That was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had to do it, I couldn't bare the thought that he would leave feeling guilty for leaving ...

I'm so confused lately ... First, there was emptiness, now there are so many different, even opposite feelings, all of them at the same time. I'm feeling so alone ... though I do believe he's still with me and can see me and hear me and knows how I feel ... sometimes this feeling is so clear and I'm so sure that he's here ... sometimes I have doubts ... I don't go to counseling and don't take any medicine - I don't believe anything could help me, because I don't need medicine or counseling, I need HIM!

I wish I had your faith that everything happens for a reason. I can't find any reason for that. Why did he, the most wonderful person I have ever met, have to suffer so much?! Why did he have to die?!?! The only thing I was praying for in the last 3 years that he would get well. But he died, and my hopes died that day ... I don't talk to God anymore ... But I talk to him, I can feel his presence. I hope and believe he's happy now ... I am though grateful for the chance that I have met him. I've learned so much from him. I'm grateful for loving him. I will always love him.

Now ... I avoid most of the people. Though my friends and family would like to help, I know they can't - because they don't know how I feel. It's not them who have lost the person who they love most. Talking to people who're going through the same thing (also on this forum) helps somehow - at least I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. It's like, as my friend said (whose ex-boyfriend died on Christmas), you can't understand how come that the world didn't stop that day ... For me it's been 10 weeks 4 days, the time in which some people around me got new jobs, went on holidays, gave birth, the pope died ... but I feel like I don't belong to this world ... I don't care ...

Spela

[Nikki]

FLERIN

My name is Nikki, I lost the love of my life on Jan.13-he shot himself-yes I said it-it is still so hard to say/write/type/believe. I just wanted you to know I am very sorry for your loss, everyone is acting like this is something I have to get "over" I don't know how, I don't know if I ever will. My love and I were together for eight years(the last two were rocky) he moved to AZ where his parents lived because I could not live with his drinking anymore he moved back to FL -that is where we lived for 6 years together to get treatment-that did not work then he moved back to AZ, he had been there for about 3 months and asked me to visit him-I missed him so much I flew out there from Fl. things were wonderful again-he asked me to move out there so we could get a fresh start, I did, I was there for about 3 weeks and he started drinking heavy again-he was not abusive just very negative towards the world in general-when we first met he was so kind and loved life he always drank heavily but I figured that since he did not beat me or become mean when he drank like the man my mother was with for ten years. Joe was a happy, funny drunk. I thought I would just accept the fact that he drank and try to make the best of times and hoped he would come around again like he had in the past, that did not happen. He was drunk one day-there were people over our house he had just met that day they said he got up stood in the middle of the room spun his chamber in his pistol and put it to his head and shot himself, they left because they were scared and illegal mexicans, I found him in the middle of our living room floor when I got home from work that night, Ithought he was just passed out. The police said there was only one bullet in the gun and it was only fired once-He may of been playing russian roulette, I will never know. He was the sunshine of my life, dispite his drinking and low self-esteem he loved me and I loved him with all my soul-he was the sunshine of my life and now he is gone forever. I am sorry about your pain I know how you feel, I feel it everyday I wake up and throughout the day. I was going to counseling but the counselor kept pushing me to go to a survivors of suicide group and at that time I was not able to accept that, thats what is was-I kept thinking he was just drunk so drunk he did not know what he was diong-again I will never know, I do know I feel guilty, angry, sad and helpless these are issues that all of us feel but I need to explore other avenues and if going to a SOS meeting will help that is what I am going to do. I wish you luck and hope to talk to you soon. Sorry I don't have any advice, but just talking here helps me. some.

PS I live in Central Florida, its starting to get hot.

HI SPELA-HOW ARE YOU?

[spela]

Hi, Nikki

I'm so confused ... not able to write what I'm feeling or what I believe ... I don't think you can just "get over" as some people think. He is someone I love - I'm using present tense and will continue to do so! He'll always be with me, always be in my heart and part of my life.

I'm a different person now and people don't seem to understand that I can't listen to the jokes, don't go out for a coffee, don't answer the telephone and don't call them back ... People I work with are mentioning my birthday which is at the end of this month - we usually celebrate our birthdays, with some food and drink and presents ... I've decided to take that day off. I might even write an email to some people who would probably want to congratulate me and let them know that I would appreciate it if they don't do that ...

There are only a few people I would talk to ... I would just tell everybody else to leave me alone ...

[FLERIN]

Hi Spela,

Im sorry to hear of your loss. It's really hard to know what to say or do I know because there isnt anything anyone can do to make me feel better and as for not going out to the usual places you would nomarlly go I completely understand. I dont really talk to or go out to many places anymore. I just hate seeing everyone else so happy and knowing how miserable I feel. Is that wrong? As for your b-day coming up I also can feel on that mine was in March and let me say my husband used to make such a big deal about my day and this year it truly sucked and I didnt go anywhere except to my sisters. I'm sure everyone would understand not wanting to celebrate. Maybe for yourself that day try to go get a massage or pedicure or take a long walk I dont know if these things would work for you but they are relaxing to me. I hope your days start to get better soon! My ears are open if you need to talk.

Erin

[spela]

Hi Erin,

no, I don't think it's wrong that you hate seeing other people happy. I think it's normal ... Don't think about what they might think. You haver every right to grieve, and to feel what you feel. I'm thinking ... that those who won't understand aren't at all important to me ... I cry a lot. Usually I go to his grave in the morning, before I go to work. I stayed there for almost one hour today and cried ... I just couldn't leave, but I had to go to work. I would stay there for hours and hours and cry ...

thank you for writing here ...

Spela

[diron]

I don't know if we ever "get over" our loss. I have been told that it does get easier to accept with time. And the amount of time differs for each of us. Friends that have lost the love of their life have told me this. I will accept that on faith that someday the pain won't be quite so bad.

My beloved Ron (Marine for 11 years) died February 27, 2005 due to cancer. He was in my arms when he died. Knowing what was coming for some months prior, I thought I was better prepared. What a joke, I was not/am not prepared to deal with this loss.

On one level I keep functioning. I go to my shop everyday, I help my daughter and grandson and they help me. But there is such a big hole in my heart and such a big vacumm every where I go. I do not go out with friends as much as we used to. On occasion I will go, I make myself go. I miss so much his smile, his touch, his laughter. I talk to him everyday and tell him things that happened during the day, but I miss so much his response.

I hope with time I do not cry as easily and as much. I have checked in to grief counceling. So far I have found two groups that meet when I cannot be there. I will find a group because I think time spent with others going through the same thing will help me.

I hope that each of us finds our way to live with our losses more comfortably than we are now.

[spela]

Does it really get easier to accept? I miss him more and more each day - though I don't know if and how it is possible to miss him even "more" ...

[FLERIN]

Spela,

I am totally with you on missing him more. I miss my husband it seems more than i've I have ever miss anything in the world. I just want to him here alive again in my life. Yes I do believe he is watching over me but it just isnt the same. There is no response when I talk to him and no hugs or kisses or just a simple good morning I Love You. I miss that so much. My husband and I always had an additional saying to I Love You we would say to each other " chicken butt" which meant to us I love U. Our daughter started it and now my daughter will say it to me and it just makes me cry for happiness and sadness. Sometimes its just the little things you know. I am so glad I found this site and all you wonderful people to talk to who actually know what its like to go through hell everyday.

Thanks for being here. I hope you have a ok day today. I try really hard not to say have a good day because its been 4 months since my Joe passed away and I still havent had a good day and wouldnt know one if it hit me!

Talk to you soon!

Erin

[spela]

Oh, I KNOW, Erin, it's sooo not the same! I'd give anything to see him again ... and often still expect that he would call and I would hear his laugh in response to my concerns ... so many little things I miss ... I talked to his sister yesterday, we spent a few hours crying, looking at some photographs, talking about him ... First I hesitated to go our with her, thinking that I don't want her to feel even worse - and she thought the same about going out with me, she said that it's maybe better if we don't do that, because we would end up crying all the time. We did - but it helped to both of us ... We can feel each other - at one moment, we were at the same time thinking of the same thing. That he's there with us, sitting on the back seat of my car, and laughing and saying: oh girls, I'm here, with you, just look again, how come that you don't see me and you're crying? I was thinking that and his sister said it out loud ... he laughed a lot, he had an incredible sense of humour, he was always so positive and his laugh was such that it made everybody laugh ... On every photograph he's smiling or laughing ...

Why didn't we know more? Why couldn't we know what could help him recover? Was chemotherapy helpful in any way? If we had tried something else (God knows what!), is there a chance that he would be ok now?

[Nikki]

Hello Everyone

I was just checking in to see how everyone is doing? April 13th was the three month mark of Joes death, I have been very low on energy and my thought process seems to be slipping back again to the day and the days prior to Jan 13th, if only their was something we could of done for our loved ones survival - we all would of- I am still struggling with the manner of his death and I miss him so much it hurts,physically hurts. I am a member of another forum on the web, I was chatting with a lady whose husband died in a similar way to Joes, her husband died 10 mos ago, she wrote something that really stuck with me-ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU ARE GOING TO WAKE UP WITH IT BEING YOUR LAST DAY AND BE VERY SORRY YOU DID NOT CHOOSE, FOR YOURSELF HAPPINESS. I understand the reasoning and like I said the statement seems to be in my mind sometimes I just don't know how to choose happiness, I don't know what makes me happy anymore, I guess I just have to keep looking and maybe-hopefully when I do find some I will be able to recognize it????

Hugs and peace to all

Nikki

[JellyT]

Hello Erin, Spela, and Niki

I am sorry for all of your losses. I know how life altering the death of a mate is.

I am writing because I kept reading that all three of you had questions about whether the pain gets any better or if you can ever be happy again. I know that every person's grieving process is unique, but I can only speak from my experience. I lost my fiance Mike of almost 4 years about a year and a half ago, he was murdered. And the first year I had extreme trouble coping with it. But now I can honestly say that every day it gets easier. It was so hard to go about my everyday life because it revolved completely around him, but now I actually go out with friends and have a basically healthy normal life. I'm not saying the pain has went away completely, but it does not dominate my life on a daily basis. I hope that you guys can get some hope or comfort out of this. I understand that it may be hard to hear that in a year from now or however long it takes that the pain of losing your soulmate, lover, and best friend does start to fade, because I thought everybody was crazy and didn't know how I felt when they told me, but it really does. And then when you get to that point hopefully you will be able to think of him and be happy without being sad. I know that knowing he is there, but not physically, is not always enough, but eventually you will start to heal. In the meantime what helped me was being selfish, and no it's not wrong to be that way. Making time to comfort yourself is most definitely a plus. And try not to feel bad for thinking about him so much, if you don't let yourself get it out verbally or just mentally it will just stay there, and that is not always good:) I know it really helped to read your guys stories and I hope mine will help you too.

Sincerely,

Trish in Michigan

[diron]

Thank you JellyT. I needed to hear that. I have a friend whose husband died 10 years ago and she told me much the same thing. Part of me "knows" at some point the pain will not be so bad, part of me does not believe that. Part of me wants that point to hurry up and get here and part of me wants to hang on to the flannel shirt of Ron's that I sleep with every night and hang on to the deepest memories and in some ways hang on to the pain.

At some point I have to really accept that he is gone and is not coming back and move on with my life. But I am not at that point yet. I move through the days, doing the usual things and dealing with a lot of unusual things I have never had to do before. I do not like dealing with all this strange stuff, trying to untangle the finances, straigthen out the ins., figure out if I can keep the roof of our dream house over my head.

Some days when I get one knot untangled I am pleased with myself. Some days I don't seem to care.

I have to learn to cook for one, I can't keep eating frozen pizza and fruit turnovers forever. I used to be a good cook and Ron loved to eat, but the idea of cooking for just me does not please me. And I don't like leftovers so have to figure out how to cook smaller, but right now I don't want to because that feels like I am pulling away from the "we" that was.

I guess I want things back the way they were before and I miss that man so much. Makes me angry that I can't have what I want. I guess throwing a tantrum like my grandson used to won't work either.

[spela]

Erin,

just wondering how you are ...

Spela

[FLERIN]

Hi Spela,

Things are just ok right now. I've had a couple of stressful weeks.

My in-laws were in town for a week and a half and even though it was

really great to see them inside I was a really big wreck. I have had a

couple of dr's appointments to so I really havent had time personally for

myself and I am realizing how very important it is that I take time for

myself. Meeting all of you and others on this site really helps alot.

To just talk with others who without even knowing you but you still

know and understand what it is we are going through. You know? Also

listen to this its been alittle over 4 months since my Joe has been gone

and some people are just so ummm should I say mean "no" just no

compassionate I think thats the word. I had someone ask me the other day if I

was ready to date again "hell no" I am still in love with my husband.

How can I even remotely try to be with someone else I dont think so. I

just love my Joe so much. I know that years from now I may feel

differently but now is just not the time. I am still trying to deal with the

whole process of being alone. I was once very independent then I met

Joe and I became very co-dependent to now trying to be independent

again. This is such a hard road. But I have to do this for me and my

daughter. Life is so very precious we often forget this sometimes. I bet

though all of us on this site never will forget how very precious it is.

i find myself sad for everyone too! I hope all is well with you Spela

thank you for checking on me it truly means alot to know someone

outside my family and someone I can relate to cares. Thank you again.

Erin

[spela]

Hi Erin, it's good to hear from you. I still often have this feeling of disbelief. I still can't accept ... There's so muyh anger sometimes - which wasn't there before, I wasn't able to feel anger. I wrote yesterday under another topic of this forum, sometimes I would just scream and yell at somebody. I work in the media and since I had to write about the dying of the pope, I'm thinking that I should change my job when I'll be able to think about other things ... I used to like this job but when my editor - who's actually a good person - told me to do this, he didn't even seem to realize that by writing about it, I was going through HIS last hours again, when I was holding his hand, telling him I love him and still hoping he would open his eyes, look at me and eventually get out of bed!

I hate it when people say, that I should get on with my life, go out with friends instead of not answering my phone - what do THEY know? How can they tell me thing like: "I know how you feel, BUT ... " (telling my what I should do)? And I hate it when they some - no, most of them around me, colleagues from work who knew him - seem to forget! They don't mention his name, they ask me how I manage to lose my weight, what kind of diet I had and they wish they would lose some weight too. What do they expect me to say - thank you?! ?! Or something really mean, like, well, imagine your husband/girlfriend/... died - and you'll know what my "diet" is! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so bittered now, so angry, sorry you must have been reading this. It really is good to hear from you.

[FLERIN]

Hi Spela,

You know these people who ask these ridiculous things what the hell do they know right. I can relate to you when you say they ask oh what kind of diet are you on I lost 34 pounds since my husband has been gone and when they say oh you look great your losing weight I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. They have no clue the ins and outs that we go through everyday. We are on the widows weight loss plan. This is not a damn diet. Thats what I want to say to them. i just want them to see and feel for just five minutes what it feels like to go through what we continue to go through everyday and you know what most of them could not handle such a tramatic experience!!! Just because we have to put on a certain face in the morning doesnt mean thats how we feel internally and I am sure we are on the same level on this one right? I think I will right a book or somethig What to say to a grieving person kinda like the DO's & Don'ts" why not they have books for everything else right. I hope you day is going better today I will attempt at having a ok day I dont ask for good days because what the hell would that be? I dont remember. I just thank god for everyday that I am here with my daughter and for myself. Talk to soon .

Erin

[FLERIN]

Spela,

Sorry for some of the misspellings on the last entry. I was caught up and going a mile a minute.

Erin

[diron]

Erin how are you doing? And that's not one of those questions where the expected reply is "fine". We get too many of those every day.

Sounds pretty insensitive to me, for someone to ask if you are dating yet. I have a hard time understanding how people can expect us to just pack away all the memories, all the heartache, all the love, like last winters sweaters and start something/someone new while we are still coming to terms with this huge hole in our hearts.

"Widows weight loss plan" is good. Can I borrow that?

[spela]

Erin, I should say sorry for MY spelling mistakes - I noticed there are so many.

Next time someone asks me about my "diet", I might just give them my "advice" and say, oh, well, it's really not difficult to lose weight - someone you love must die and you'll be thin in a few weeks!

Diron, the dating question - yes, I'm dating, my "favourite" place is the graveyard, and, as I'm a modern woman, I don't wait for my date to bring me flowers, I bring them to him! You can borrow that, if you want ...

Take care!

[spela]

I read my last email again ... I'm afraid I'm turning into a mean, insensitive person, who doesn't care about anything anymore. I'm afraid he wouldn't even like me now ... Sorry to all!

[diron]

(((Spela)))

[spela]

thank you so much!

[diron]

Erin and Spela, I have been thinking about you two and hope things are going as well as they can be. Be gentle to yourselves.

[Charlie]

ERin & Spela, you said it all. I have had so many people say to me"You look great, you lost weight, how did you do it" !!! Well lose the love of your life for 46 years and believe me food and the thought of food makes you sick to your stomach. I too lost over 35 lbs and I am not OKAY. Why do people ask you how are you doing? You are grieveing and in lot of pain, thats how your doing. And dating, how could I ever think of dating, I was 15 years old when we met, married at 17 and had a wonderful life together, no one on this earth could ever take his place, no one would care about me and do anything to make my life better than my Charlie. When you meet and marry your soul mate it is forever, at least for me. LIke you said, you cannot pack away those memeories like an old sweater, they haunt you daily and you cry out to have them back. Still now after 7 months I cannot believe I will ever see his face, touch him or hear his voice again, I sometimes cry out his name in hopes he will answer, but the room is silent and I am so aware that I am alone now forever. Who will hold me when I am sad, who will comfort me when I am ill and who will be there when I am lying on my death bed, those thoughts are with me always.