Out Of Control Emotions

[niamh]

Does anyone every feel like emotions sometimes just get out of control ?

I've just had a really bad couple of days. Got really angry last night over something I needed my Dad to help me with coz I had no clue where to even start. But he's not here, so I shouted and shouted and just let it out. My Mom was there but she knew I wasn't shouting at her, then I just burst out crying coz it's all just the pain of wanting and needing my Daddy. Mom just told me after to make sure I never keep it inside when I get angry like that and I don't. I know how bad it would be to bottle it up, not that I could anyways even if I wanted to

I still feel mad today, things upset me a little in work but I just thought, I can cry later when I leave. Then I ended up snapping at my cousin ...maybe it was more like being very short with her, it was on email so the response I got was "I'll talk to you some other time". I apologised within seconds saying I didn't mean to snap, I'm just barely hanging on right now (meaning today,right now)....not even an acknowledgement of it so that makes me mad then aswell. Push me aside because I snapped..... lovely. I've already been pushed aside enough in work by certain people including a manager (all off site people thankfully) and that was exactly what triggered me earlier.

I don't mean or want to hurt anyone, I generally try to avoid people when I get like this because I don't want to lash out at someone. But if I am ever short with people I always apologise so they know it's not them, it's my anger and frustration missing my Dad ...the times it's happened with others, they always say no problem, they understand, of course I'll get mad etc etc.

I feel like I am hurting my cousin so much, I don't really see her anymore coz I just feel I can't talk to her. I feel my grief is makes her uncomfortable, the few times I have told her how sad etc I feel, she just kinda nods but says no more so I just shut myself off because it's too much of a one way thing. She lost her Mom 4yrs ago yet she never relates to me, maybe it's too hard for her I dunno. I find if I can't talk to someone about how I'm feeling for a few mins then I don't want the "normal" conversations with them (if I'm honest, maybe I feel "if you don't want to listen to me, I could not give a crap about you and your life so I don't want to know "). Do I sound like a selfish B**** ? aaaggghhhhh

Ugh, so I'm not looking for pity from anyone, this is me now, these things happen, I erupt and try my best not to take it out on anyone but once in a while I do but I am always aware of it and do always apologise.

thanks as always for listening,

Niamh

[STARKISS]

Hi Niamh, Just wanted to tell you that what you are going through is normal... I got angry last week and I got angry at everything including the tv for not having something for me to watch on it... My therapist asked me when I got angry what animal would I be and the first animal to come to mind was a t-rex of all things... She had me draw a picture of this t-rex and not to sound silly but drawing animals to put with how I felt really helped me understand my feelings... Shelley

[MartyT]

Slamming a mattress with a tennis racket works sometimes, too

[niamh]

thanks so much Shelley, yeah I guess it's part of the "new normal". When I read your msg about an animal, first thing that came into my head was the image of Simba from the Lion King roaring at the top of a mountain, that's what i feel like at times (and there's nowhere remotely near me to let out a scream like I need at times) . It's funny coz later on last night, it suddenly dawned on me that he had lost his Dad so I looked for a video of it on you tube as I couldn't remember the details. Turns out it was a scene where Simba is about to take over from his Dad and at the top of the mountain he hears his Dad from Heaven telling him "it's time" and then lets out a vicious roar....that definitely describes my need at times.

lol Marty, I've been known to break a racket or 2 during my days of playing tennis....not sure even a matress could protect it

[Momof4]

There have been many days I'm sooooo angry! Not that I would ever want anyone to lose a parent, but I'm angry because others still have their Mom! I have a friend who won't talk to her Mom because of some lil outting she had with her Mom! OMG........I must say I told her in a polite way, don't hold that grudge you just never no when her last day may be.....she still won't speak to her mom. I dealt with terrible anger on Mothers Day. I am a mother and my 4 children are amazing but I didn't want them to celebrate the day. I don't want them to feel the hurt I had to feel that day because of a holiday! They still made me breakfast and brought in their cards and I still smiled knowing they love me as much as I loved my Mom! I was very angry when my daughter got the flu and I wanted to call her to ask her a question on what to do. But instead I cried because I discovered I would never get to call her again. I got angry when the telephone rang and I said its Mom and my husband asked mine or yours......I WISH IT WERE MINE!!!! He felt bad, but I was still angry! I thought of my Mom this past Sunday when my son had a firecracker parachute blow up in his eye and we had him in the ER. The last time I was in in the ER was in December with my Mom! I almost go sick going into the ER. I'm angery with God for taking my Mom at Christmas Time. Not that any day would be easy but I spent Christmas in a hospital room praying God not to take her! I'm sure dealing with anger is the hardest part of coping with the death of a loved one. I've lost several people in my life but by far losing my Mom has been the worst experience in my life!

[loulou]

I get mad when I see old people.I know its silly,but I feel like,why did my dad have to die in his 40s,and so many others get to be old!My dad had a 1 year old son who needs him.My dad had so much more living to do.I see old grumpy people and think that my dad would have been so happy to live.He didn't want to die.He always said he will live to be 100.

[niamh]

surprise surprise I do the same thing loulou, I have become so conscious of noticing old men now everywhere I go and I think my heart skips a beat everytime, sometimes some of them resemble Dad (the not so old ones ) but when I see men who look like their late 70s, 80s I keep asking why, why didn't my Dad get to be that old. And I wonder if they have family or children and as awful as it sounds I think to myself if they dont have family or children or are not close to their kids like me and my Dad then it should be them NOT my Dad. I know that sounds pretty horrible, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it's just what I think when I see them.

hugs to you ....I think we share a brain somehow

niamh

[Imadaddysgirl2]

I think I am going 'mad'. I get angry, very angry, confused and forgetful. My perimenopausal state does not help either. I started kind of settling down about 6 months after Dad died and then my cat died. Right after that my stepmother wanted me to go through my Dad's things with her and it upset me so much. My stepmother and I have grown much closer, but the fact of the matter is that she and my father treated me like an unwanted visitor. My sister says she feels the same. I don't care how close a person is to their parents, it's such a challenge to go through the grieving after the parent dies. Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. I totally understand your out of control emotions, and I want them to end, as well. It feels better to be writing about this. Thanks for listening, Renee

[niamh]

hi Renee,

I must have missed your post the other day, sorry bout that ! I'm so sorry about your Dad,it's just so so horrible.

Aw I'm sorry about your cat too, you already had enough to deal with. I'm sorry you had to go through your Dad's things, it's so so painful.

I'm not sure I have any real advice, I just let myself feel what I feel, I try not to change it and literally just ride it out when some of those extra tough emotions come out. I try to avoid people as best I can when I get angry and mad, I just tell them i can't talk right now and will call later in the week. I find it easier for myself to be alone when it gets real bad because sometimes I can't even put into words what I feel, it feels confusing, so many emotions, at times conflicting all hitting me at the same time, it's brain overload,it is like a tidal wave and no choice but to go with the flow, I think the more I fight against it the harder it is.

Writing here has been a lifeline to me, to this day I can talk about the grief and all that but I still can't verbally talk about what I miss, how much I miss him, it's too hard. So I write LOTS, here and lots to my Dad aswell. I figure as long as I am not bottling things up then it doesn't matter whether I get it out on paper or verbally.

I do hope you keep sharing with us,

((hugs))) to you,

Niamh