jct1976 Posted July 23, 2010 Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 hello, I came across this site just looking for people that are coping with the death of there partner and how they are dealing with it. I lost my fiance whom I had been with for 2 1/2 years in a car accident on 6-9-10. we just had a baby girl on 5-23-10 who was a month early. I had to move out of the house we were living in because everything I looked at reminded me of her. I think about her every minute of everyday and my stomach feels like when your riding a rollercoaster everytime i think of the accident and holding her hand and kissing her when she passed away in the hospital bed. dont really know what to expect, do or how to deal with it. she was 26 years old! why do these things happen to good people? I question religion everyday! why would god take a newborns mother away? thanks for letting me vent...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrcelloboy Posted July 23, 2010 Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Dear JCT, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 10 years, Kathy, to a bicycle accident almost four years ago. It still hurts, though life is much more bearable now. I'd say that I was in a bit of a depressed place for almost 3 years; just making myself survive. I've always been pretty much of an optimist, so I'm always confident that things will continue to get better. Kathy was a Registered Nurse and a very caring person. Some close friends believe that her soul was needed for a more important purpose. I tend to believe that things often "just happen", however Kathy had close calls with death twice before the accident that claimed her, and neither were due to carelessness, so maybe there is such a thing as "fate". Everyone grieves and deals with loss differently. I'd encourage you to alow yourself to experience your grief this first year rather than trying to escape it. I pushed it away myself at first, and it just postponed it. If you're open-minded, see if you can locate some support groups, maybe sponsored by the local Hospice organizations. I found thee groups very helpful. I wish you the best, and I hope you and your baby do well together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted July 24, 2010 Report Share Posted July 24, 2010 Hi JCT, I am so sorry for your loss, this is a great site of kind and understanding "like" people who are with you in your grief. This new life we live and it is not fair that we have to be here. I lost my husband at the age of 45 on May 16/10, we were together for 8 1/2 years his death was a tragic ending to a beautiful life and I'm still on the roller coaster of emotions, hoping for a day without sobs and just maybe tears. I know I hurt and feel physical pain every hour of everyday and still can't imagine life on my own. Just hang in, put one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself and your baby and know that others share your pain and are here to help you any way we can. Sincerely, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron B. Posted July 24, 2010 Report Share Posted July 24, 2010 I don't think you are venting, rather you are asking the right questions. In answer to your header, no I do not believe we ever stop hurting completely. I believe the hurt just recedes and becomes more bearable with time. Why do terrible things happen to good people? Intellectually and factually speaking, we all know the answer to that question; we are born mortal, and we all know we can die. As to how we handle the emotional impact of death, that is a vastly more complex question. This whole site is devoted to helping people answer that very question. In time I believe we learn how to handle our grief, and our emotions grow more wise. Eventually we learn to accept what has happened. Why would God take a newborn's mother away? I'm not so sure God made that decision. Keep questioning religion, especially if it helps you find answers! You do have your wife's legacy in your precious newborn daughter. May she live a prosperous and caring life! Welcome to this gathering of grieving souls; I am glad you found us. - Ron B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted July 24, 2010 Report Share Posted July 24, 2010 JCT: I can relate very much to your pain. Our daughter (first child) was only 4.5 months old when Scott died, 13 months ago. He was 41. We had tried for a long time to get pregnant, and when we finally did.... The circumstances were different - Scott was in treatment for alcohol addiction - the irony being that he died when he had finally started making headway with his addiction - boy, does that ever suck. Plus, I have guilt because of the intervention I organized, and the fear that I may have hastened his death, putting him in the a situation with many people at the centre as opposed to being more or less isolated, exposing his generally weak immune system to infection. We were both with him when he died (I had to make the decision to take him off life support - I would never wish this on anyone!!). How could God take him away from us, take Kailyn's daddy away?! I know what you are feeling. The first months were very difficult for me - the jealousy and resentment and emptiness I would feel when I saw other happy families (at least they looked happy) at the playground or walking down the street. And how am I going to be a mother and a father? Where is she going to get a male influence (luckily, we have lots of good friends and family, but it still isn't the same). But as time has gone on, I have found more joy than sorrow in watching her grow and learn and smile and cry; when I see some of his character traits becoming more obvious. Though there are still times when I look at her and sob (and other times, as well), she has been and is my reason to live. I hope you find this, too. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jct1976 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2010 thank you everyone for your kind words and for sharing your own personal experiences with tragedy. I am sorry for each of your losses. It really does help to know that I am not alone and to hear words of wisdom from people who are or have been through the same thing. My daughter is probably the only thing that has helped me keep my sanity and hold things together. I really cant imagine where I would be or doing if she wasnt here to keep me busy and a reason to live. Again, thank you everyone...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
closs86 Posted July 25, 2010 Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 Hi Jct, I am so sorry for your tragic loss, what a horrible thing to happen, I lost my husband on April 6 in 3 weeks to pancreatic cancer, also unexpected and a shock to all of us, I can't imagine what you are going through with a little newborn, do you have someone to help you? I don't know what to say, this is all so heartbreaking, I wish I knew why, but we don;t have the answers here, maybe someday we will get to understand why everything happened the way it did. God give you strength in your life and for your baby, I hope you find peace, Take care Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted July 25, 2010 Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 JCT, It's pretty much like everyone has said. It is the hardest job most of us have ever had and you have added to it a baby. I am assuming you have custody of her. There are times that the hurting is pushed to the back burner so to speak but then something happens and it all comes rushing back as if the whole stove was on fire. I had that happen yesterday when I was looking for something from when I was in high school and came across a card that Tom sent me before our wedding. He had signed it your future husband with an I Love You. I have had a hard time since keeping myself composed. I've had several "meltdowns" in the past 2 days. So I guess what I'm saying is the "sting" gets a little more bearable for me at times, but I wonder when the next thing will hit. We all go through this in our own way and I hope you will find some solice on this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jct1976 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 thank you, and yes I have custody and I have a wonderful family that are willing to do anything above and beyond to help me. I really dont want alot of help with her though because I am determined to raise her on my own because I feel like I need to be with her every moment and give her my everything. My mom usually wants to get her on saturday nights so she can take her to church on sundays which is a little me time but I really think about things alot when Im alone. I have never really been a church going person but I do believe in god and think one day i will go but when Im ready and not pushed into going. thanks again.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jct1976 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 Korina, I also along with nicoles mom and dad had to come to the decision to take her off life support. We were told there was nothing they could do and if by some miracle she made it that she wouldnt be the same peron that we once knew. That really weighs heavy on my mind, but we both had always said we did not want to live if something ever happened and we would be in a "coma-like state of mind" I have never told anyone that right before she died (I had been holding her hand and talking to her since they let us see her,) she squeezed my hand for just a millisecond because I knew they would just say it was muscles twitching. but i hope and pray everyday that was telling me we did the right thing. thank you korina for sharing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted July 26, 2010 Report Share Posted July 26, 2010 I am so glad you had others to share this decision with. Scott's sister and aunt were there with me, so I wasn't alone in making the decison, though ultimately, it was mine to make. It clinched it for me when the doctor said, "If we could save his body, and we can't, it might not be the the Scott you knew that wakes up." I know that would not have been his wish. When the medication was turned off, he died within about 30 seconds. It was so fast, but the only merciful thing in the whole ordeal, as I know there was no hope he could have come back. I am glad you can take comfort in the sign you received from Nicole. I did not have any such immediate sign, but have had other signs since that have brought me comfort (little things around the apartment, one particular dream, etc). Hang in there, and thank you for sharing. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted July 26, 2010 Report Share Posted July 26, 2010 JCT, I am feeling your sorrow and loss with you, know that you are not alone, my wife joined the Lord on 2/14/10 after a 9 month battle with Lung cancer, I know you feel there will never be tomorrow and the pain is unbearable at times, but as time passes the healing will begin just take things one day at a time.... you ask a very valid question why would God do this and take these people, well the answer that best comforts me is he needs good angels to help carry out the ulimate plan he has for all of us, I know how you feel missing everything about our loved ones, but if we stay focused on our happy times and the thought we will be reunited in heaven when it is our time helps me heal.....oh and that hand squeeze just enforces my thoughts as my Ruth's heart beat a few more times after stopping when I kissed her and told her to save me a place in heaven and how much I loved her, that was her way of telling me she heard me and I get signs from her everyday, and some days I truely feel her in the room with me....keep the happy times in your focus as no one or nothing can every take that from you....and remember our loved ones would want us to move forward.... I'm Praying for all the grieving spouses everywhere..... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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