Panic! Need Comfort And Help!

[melina]

It's now 15 days since my husband died. In the evenings, like tonight, I get these horrible panic attacks. My stomach feels like it's being gouged out and I can't stop crying. I feel so alone and scared. I have to help my fourth and youngest teenage son through this year. But I don't know how I'm going to manage. My beloved husband was our rock, our anchor. He took care of us. That sounds old-fashioned, I know, but he was so strong, so good for us. I don't how to cope. I've tried reaching out to my family - mother, sister, brother - but they just say they can't cope with my pain. The grief counselor is good - but it only helps about an hour after I've talked to her. Then the pain returns.

Please everyone - just a pat on the shoulder - a cyber-hug, a comment that things will get better in time - all would be appreciated. Help!!

Melina

[Chrissie]

Melina,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish I could do something to make it all go away but I know that is impossible so I will tell you it gets better with time. I lost my husband Tim, almost seven months ago so I know that stabbing pain you are going through. I also see a grief counselor but have you thought about going to some groups? There are people there that understand and have great suggestions on how to survive during this journey of grief. Have you thought about keeping a journal? I write to Tim almost every night and that seems to help me. As I've learned, this is one of the hardest things you will do in your life. Grief is not something just goes away in a few months (like most people think it should) and it is very hard to work through. I think of Tim every second of the day and miss him so much and know I will always miss him. He was my soulmate & best friend. I will keep you in my prayers. Lots of Hugs!!!

Chris

[kayc]

Melina,

Anxiety attacks and depression are common with grief, just make sure you stay in close contact with your doctor about your needs. It helps to manage it rather than let it get out of control. Walking helps me relieve stress, taking care of myself makes me feel more in control (an important element since losing my husband made me feel I lost my control).

Hang in there and take a deep breath...don't look to your family to be there for you if they don't know how to be supportive...let others who are better at it do the job...but do let your family know tangible ways they can help you if you think of something. (Some people are better at fixing a leaky roof than they are lending a shoulder to cry on, we all have our strong points.)

I'm kind of going through something similar right now with having lost my fiance...I woke up at 3:00 am and could not go back to sleep, I should have just gotten up and gone on line instead of futilely trying to go back to sleep.

[nats]

Melina,

We all handle our loss in differant ways, but I have chosen to let God handle mine and guide me, I pray everyday several times per day and have conversations with God as well as my wife Ruth, I know many people give up on God when this happens as they are angry and let down, but now is the time we need God the most, our Lord never lets us down if we just ask and have faith....I am at 6 months since my wife joined God and I can honestly tell you it does get easier, acceptance, closure, and time ease the pain but we all have to find our own along the way....

you say " I have to help my fourth and youngest teenage son through this year. But I don't know how I'm going to manage". Well you need to focus on the positive strong, rock, anchor your husband was as motivation to continue, Ruth also was much of my strength as she was a fighter so I focus on remembering that and it helps.... I tell many people the same thing I can say for sure our Loved ones are not happy if they see us so hurt and sad and it makes them sad, I feel Ruth's sadness at times during my grief but at times when I fighting the battle and facing things head on I feel a soothing comfort from her...and your panic attacks can be handled wit meds just ensure you let your Dr. know what's going on, I had them so bad I didn't want to face the world and thought I was having a heart attack, I'm now on a mild anti-anxiety med and managing much better, I still have rough days but that's to be expected I've accepted that....we will all offer any advise/tips/hugs/ you'd like just ask all of us are on this journey together and this is a wonderful group here....so with these few things to think about just go day by day....

NATS

"Dear Lord, I pray you comfort Melina during this most rough time and somehow allow her to feel some comfort"

NATS/SW

[Ron B.]

Melina,

I may be able to help just a bit with your panic attacks.

My mother experienced several severe panic attacks daily in the months before she died. We had two methods of helping her cope with these attacks. The first was a medication called xanax. The xanax took about 1/2 hour to take effect. The other method was physical contact; I would rub my mother's back from the onset of the attack, until she calmed down, about 45 minutes. The combination of medication and back-rubs worked very well; it relieved her anxiety rather completely, but only until the next panic attack hit some hours later.

There are many other effective medications, besides xanax, to help with anxiety and panic. A physician could probably prescribe something that would give you some relief from persistent anxiety.

The back-rubs I gave my Mom were probably just as important in reducing her anxiety. Human touch can be healing; sometimes it's the only thing that can get through.

My family then discovered that our mother's panic attacks were directly related to other heavy medication she was taking at the time, oxycontin. While heavily dosed on oxycontin, the panic attacks were regular and unstoppable. We then decided her panic attacks were worse than her physical pain, so we dropped the oxycontin medication, and an amazing thing happened. No more panic attacks. Problem solved.

You had mentioned, Melina, that you have been taking sedatives. I do no know whether taking these drugs makes you more liable to have panic attacks, but I suspect there may be a connection. While on oxycontin my Mother could not even read a book and the fog in her mind was thick. It was like oxycontin stole her soul. Once off of oxycontin she was back to reading entire books, and her strength of mind returned in full.

I've had my own experience with panic attacks too. After my Mother passed away, I used mild intoxicants to numb my pain. Then one day I had what I thought was a heart attack. I sprawled out on my bed for ten minutes with chest tightness and difficulty breathing. Days later my doctor told me it was a panic attack, and a series of tests to rule out a heart problem confirmed her diagnosis. After my own panic attack I immediately stopped using intoxicants, and I have not had a panic attack since.

So goes my personal belief; numbing our pain with drugs and intoxicants does nothing to help with anxiety. I much prefer to be stone cold sober when having any issue with anxiety.

I have also found a good source of information about panic attacks from the American Psychological Association. They write that panic attacks are quite treatable, and that being educated about their nature is part of the cure.

The American Psychological Association on panic attacks:

http://www.apa.org/topics/anxiety/panic-disorder.aspx#

With virtual hugs,

Ron B.

[Billw]

Hang on tight Melina, as the others said, take deep breaths and close your eyes. Try to go to a better time and place in your mind if possible. Know that your husband is still with you and you will be together again some day. We are all here for you, I am praying for you now and will keep you in my thoughts. It will get better as you move through all of this. Try to stay connected to the good times and memories in your mind. You are not alone, we are with you. Reaching out as you are doing will help you get through the rough spots. God bless....BW

[Korina]

Melina:

I wish I could say the pain will just go away, but I can't. The most helpful words I heard shortly after my husband died were that it was going to take a long time to feel better (from those that had been there). These words helped me prepare for a long haul. I have found that this forum, and talking to others including my grief therapist, have been methods of dealing with my grief, not making the sadness go away. I found that especially at the beginning, where you are now, I just had to talk about Scott to whoever would listen. It was one way for me to cope.

As others have said, take deep breaths and concentrate on getting through the day, doing what you have to for your kids. For me, caring for my daughter was hugely comforting. While your kids are older than my daughter, I hope that you also can find comfort through them, and visa versa.

Here's a HUGE cyber hug (((())))!!!!

Korina

[Deb625]

It's now 15 days since my husband died. In the evenings, like tonight, I get these horrible panic attacks. My stomach feels like it's being gouged out and I can't stop crying. I feel so alone and scared. I have to help my fourth and youngest teenage son through this year. But I don't know how I'm going to manage. My beloved husband was our rock, our anchor. He took care of us. That sounds old-fashioned, I know, but he was so strong, so good for us. I don't how to cope. I've tried reaching out to my family - mother, sister, brother - but they just say they can't cope with my pain. The grief counselor is good - but it only helps about an hour after I've talked to her. Then the pain returns.

Please everyone - just a pat on the shoulder - a cyber-hug, a comment that things will get better in time - all would be appreciated. Help!!

Melina

Hi Melina, All I can say is it is bloody hard, you will get through this, and it hurts. Let yourself grieve, and don't pretend (for others) "this" hasn't happened. This tragedy has occured and while you will get through it, it will take time and not just 15 days or 3 weeks or 3 months, there is no time measure. We are all same-same, but different. It's been 3 months for me and I truly had in my head (at the start of this journey) that I'd be better, I was kidding myself and my heart. I do hope that soon I will start to sleep again and feel "normal", I just know it isn't today and probably won't be tomorrow, I'm okay with that - though like everyone on this forum, I would give anything to have my life back before the love of my life went away... It however, isn't to be and I'm grateful for the people on this forum - they acknowledge for me all of these feelings of loss, anxiety, aloneness, fear, anger are "normal" in this new "grieving world" we live in... Be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb

[Maryo]

Hi Melina,

I know it is hard to believe but the pain does ease up. It has been 2 years for me. When I look back over the first year I was so thankful that I made it through all the hurt and pain. I do believe I am a stronger person. Yes I still miss my husband and I still cry alot but the tears are a lot less and I do feel better after a good cry.Don't try to rush through this grief journey it won't happen even if you try. One day at a time and sleep as often as you can.

Lots of love and support on this site that will help you get through the days and nights.

Take care.

Mary Lou