1 Year Ago Tomorrow

[Cheryl]

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husbands death. I have prayed long and hard for death to take me. I even figured a way out. That part has changed. I'm realizing that I don't want to fail, that I want to heal. It's a very big step. Tonight I am going to my support group and I prepared something to read to the group about my journey this past year. I thought I would share it on this forum since so many of us are trying to figure out what to do next. I have taken the words from several writings by fellow gievers and added my thoughts to make them my own.

The reality of my loss stomps around on all that I cling to, all that I had hoped for and all that made my life worthwhile and special. But I want to recover from that now. I have been going through all the painful aspects of my loss. I have submitted myself to the cruel reality of Mark's death. The fact that I have grieved so deeply proves that I am capable of powerful feelings. I will not give up on that part of myself, it is too valuable. Even though I will not have the same life I once had, I want to open myself to new possibilities.

Now I want to reconstruct a dream. I want to place my dream where agony resides. My dream will be as strong as the harshest reality- even stronger, because I am gaining determination and power as I make my way through the darkest wilderness.

I will trust that my burden will continue to dwindle. The days will pass and the heaviness will lighten. As I continue to delve into myself, going deeper into what I think and feel. I hope to emerge with the knowledge of what I need and want. Most of all I know that I want to reach a point where I can allow myself a joyful life.

I close with a deep love for my husband and respect for both love and life, Cheryl

[Nick]

Hi Cheryl,

It's great to hear such strength in your words! You should be very proud of yourself as I know your husband is with each day you take. Great words to live by and to inspire to one day. One day at a time keep the hope and faith for brighter days ahead. I will be having my husband's one year anniversary on September 1. I'm wishing you lots of love on this day coming up. You have the right attitude and with that comes change for the better!

[Billw]

Thanks Cheryl,

You really hit me between the eyes with that. "The fact that I have grieved so deeply proves that I am capable of powerful feelings." I also want to recover, I know there is life out there and I want to live it. Some days it is hard to hold the gratitude in my heart, but I know that is what keeps her close to me now. You have made a difference in my attitude this morning with what you shared, thanks again and take care.......BW

[melina]

It's inspiring to hear that healing is possible. Thank you for sharing this - it gives me hope, even though I'm in the thick of black grief now.

Melina

[kayc]

Cheryl,

Thinking of you today...you've hit a milestone, you've survived all of the "firsts without" and to me that was a huge feat! I hope it begins to get a little easier for you.

Kay

[Deb625]

Hi Cheryl, Your thoughts are inspirational and your strength to be admired. I'm sure I'll come back to this post again and again. Thank you for sharing. Deb

[Queeniemary]

Cheryl, that was just wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing.

Mary in Arkansas (Queeniemary)

[Cheryl]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. The actual day was much easier than the two weeks leading up to it. Today I feel renewed strength and complete exhaustion all at once!

This site has become my lifeline and your voices act like a mirror. thanks!

[Korina]

Very inspiring - thank you!!

I too, have often found that the lead up to certain days are harder than the day itself.

Take care,

Korina