It Just Gets Worse - Help!

[melina]

Just over three weeks since my soulmate died. I hoped that the pain would begin to ease up, but if anything it's gotten worse. I just sit and cry most of the day. Nothing makes sense. There is no meaning to anything. What's the point of getting up? What's the point of eating? I have to force myself to function for the sake of my youngest son still living at home. If not for him, I would probably just lay on the sofa all day. Or in bed. Life can never be normal again.

All the people that offered condolences have gone on with their lives. No one calls or e-mails any longer - apart from my mother telling me not to contact her anymore because my grief is bad for her blood pressure. I just feel so utterly alone and abandoned. I miss him so badly it physically aches. If this is what life is going to be from now on, I really can't handle living.

Melina

[Billw]

Hi Melina,

You are not alone. We are all here for you. I know it gets really bad at times but we have to keep moving. You are on the right track by opening up and getting online to post. There is comfort here even if it is very brief, it will get you through. We have to keep eating and get out of the house in order to feel better. This is just like any other injury to our bodies, grief effects every cell of our human make up. As much as I wanted to stay in bed and not do anything, I have had to force myself outside to exorcise, eat, and interact with people even when I don't want to. Counseling has made a huge difference in healing from this, I have gone every week for the last couple months and it has helped me to process some of the things going on around me. Staying close with my sons has also been a huge help, I have to remember that they have suffered a huge loss also and try to offer comfort to them as well. There are days when I really don't know if I can take another step forward and I just feel paralyzed, these are the days when I push myself to do what does not feel good at all, like reaching out to others and taking care of myself.

We will get through this Melina, please don't isolate, try to get outside and get some good nourishment, it will make a difference. I am glad to hear from you. God bless you. I will be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there.........BW

[Jennalee]

It does physically ache, doesn't it? My heart was just hurting today. I mean, physically hurting so very much. And I hear you on food. All food tastes like mud. Have you looked into joining a local bereavement group? I lost my husband one week ago today and I think I'm going to. I'm hoping to find some friends just as lonely as me.

[kayc]

Oh yes, Melina, we can relate. People (OTHER people) do go back to their lives, no one was impacted by his death quite the way you were. At first you throw yourself into the doing, planning the funeral/memorial, taking care of business that needs attended to, family/friends come to visit, but then they go home and you're left with this emptiness and don't know how you can stand it. It lingers on, year after year, for some it gets better, for others, we get more used to it and learn to live with it. It doesn't always stay in the level of intensity that you are now experiencing, it does get a little more palpable, but I won't kid you, life is not the same "after" as it was "before". You have a new family here that understands what you are going through and one of us is almost always here, listening. I do not know how I would have survived without this site. Just keep pouring your heart out, we hear you. And focus on whatever there is to live for, a child, a pet, whatever you have that helps motivate you in your existence. For me, it's my dog and right now he is terribly sick and I am scared for him. I was on vacation and away from him for four nights and I never have been away from him that long and I don't know if it's that or if he has something else going on, but if he's not better by Wed. I'm taking him to a vet. What I wouldn't give to have George going through all of the trials and joys of life (which lately have been heavier on the trials side) for with him, I could stand anything. I just have to remind myself, he is still here with me even when I can't see him or physically touch him. A love like ours could not be estranged even with death to come between us. Hold onto that thought.

Love,

Kay

[nats]

Melina,

Please trust me on this things will change, but our minds and physical state plays a big part, Bill is correct we have to eat, we also must rest as grieving takes alot of energy another reason to eat....we must focus on positive energy and remember the good things, and your son, that's the best reason I can think of to fight this and continue on....time.. people say you can not put a time on relief but in my opinion it's the 90 day or 3 month point that we start to rebuild our lives...I have been in group and individual grief support and that seems to be a topic that stands out...as far as family and friends they have not a clue, we can only forgive them and pray when there times comes to go thru this same grief we will be there for them....I also have been abandoned by all but my own sons and a friend who lost her husband and has guided me in many ways...so focus on You, no one else matters except your son at this point, doing this you will start to heal, and come here often we will all try and help you understnd this road we are on......m prayera are with you....

NATS

[melina]

Thanks for the support. This has become an important forum for me. I know I have to be here for my kids - it would be devastating to lose two parents. But it feels like life is over. Like most of me died with him, and the rest remains in a torture chamber.

If there is a hell - then this is it.

Melina

[kayc]

Yes Melina, this does indeed sometimes feel like Hell. But it is not unending as we might think.

I also have an inept mother. We don't get to pick them...I figure they are like "feelings", just something to contend with. How fortunate that for some people this is not so! We don't get to pick our mothers, but we can BE the mother someone else needs, and that can give your life purpose and meaning.

Melina, your husband is not completely gone, he is only out of reach. You may not hear him, but have you considered that just maybe he can hear you? There is so much we don't know about afterlife and other worlds, but I know George's spirit lives on and since he doesn't reside in that physical shell of a body that let him down, perhaps, just perhaps, his spirit is anywhere/everywhere, I do know this, he lives on inside of me, not just his memory, but HIM! I find consolation in knowing he is there, knowing there is that one person in the world that truly loves me and it is him. Knowing that if I listen real still and quiet sometimes I can find direction and encouragement and comfort from him. It took me a while to get to that point, but it came. When I was out of work a year after he died and no one would give me the time of day, I always seemed to make the "top three", but no job ensued from it, it was George that encouraged me to keep trying, and him who cheered me on and him that celebrated with me when I finally got a job. Does that sound crazy? I'm beyond caring if I sound crazy or not...this is a world that belongs to us grievers and the non-grievers can't possibly understand, they haven't been through it.

Life is in phases. Right now I am still able bodied and working. There will come a day when I will have to move from my home because this one will be too much for me to pay for or maintain. Right now I can still enjoy being here with my dog...there may come a day when I'm in a nursing home and my life will take on drastic changes. I see old people struggling with this all the time. I don't want to struggle, I want to accept. I don't want to be a burden to my kids, but I also know that it's common for kids to have to accept some degree of responsibility for their parents...it's the nature of things. What is my point? My point is, we have phases in life, and it's important to recognize that nothing stays the same, and as such, it's important for us to learn to accept those changes, even though we don't like them...and that's okay too, it's okay to NOT like them, but it does no good to fight against what we cannot change. I hated that my George died. I'd give anything to have him back for just a minute. To just hold him one more time. But that's not my option. My only option is to go on, knowing that someday I will get to be with him and someday I WILL feel him hold me again. It matters not to me whether we have physical or spiritual bodies, what matters to me is that we will be together and we will connect, we always have, always will.

[Korina]

I don't think Kay sounds crazy at all. I often feel that the good things that happen are a little pennies from heaven from Scott. Though I want so much to see him again, I don't know if I could handle saying goodbye all over again...

Korina