Weekend

[melina]

It's nearly a month since he's been gone. I'm sorry for posting again so soon. I am really bombarding people with stuff here - but I have no one else to talk to. This group has been my best friend and saving grace through this whole mess. My kids are great, but they're going back to school now and besides, I don't want to unload my misery upon them when they have their own grief to deal with and school to manage. I want them to live as normally as possible, find pleasure in life and do well in school.

I wish I had family I could talk to - but they don't understand why I haven't moved on by now. My brother just e-mailed me and told me to stop being so melodramatic. He says I should just find pleasure in a good book, a nice meal, a walk in the woods or some music. He said that after a long hectic life raising four sons, I should enjoy my time alone. This feels almost sadistic. They just don't get it. Enjoy my time alone??? And how can I possibly concentrate on a book? I have to force myself to walk in order to get some exercise, but I find no pleasure in food or music either.

Now it's the weekend. People are off doing weekend stuff with their husbands and families. My friends, all married with families, offer to have me come over, but I don't want to be with couples or happy families.I feel so utterly lonely. I used to look forward to weekends. Fridays were fantastic. Now it's just another miserable day alone.

Jeez I sound depressing, but it feels like this will never end. It's really a nightmare to end all nightmares. Maybe I'm still partly in shock. I can't believe this has happened. How could it happen to us? We were so normal.

Melina

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, Don't worry about what others carelessly say, if they haven't gone through this pain, they just don't have the ability to understand. Just try to be gentle with yourself, you've just lost a huge part of your life that you will never get "over", you'll simply get through this, you are also learning to build a new life on your own - something we have been forced to do - how could anyone be truly prepared for all of this? It's been 3 1/2 months, I still cry and sob everyday, I so just want my other Michael back. I don't understand why I have to go through this pain and I get angry at all the things he was/we were meant to do that are and never will be done... It does get a little easier with time, as you've heard from many. For now it is just one baby step at a time. Try to eat and take care of yourself. Take care, Debby

[Jennalee]

I'm amazed that anyone is implying you should move on after only a month. That's a pretty stupid suggestion! They'll never get it unless they go through it. I also understand how hard it is to enjoy your time alone. There is no joy in the days anymore is there? Try to remember there will be joy again, it's just going to be a while yet. I'm trying to remember that myself but it's not easy.

My suggestion is to go ahead and spend time with some of your friends who have asked you to come over. I know it's hard to be around the typical happy families, but we just have to get used to it cause they're everywhere. It can actually be very healing to get out of the house a bit. I actually spent the morning in a coffee shop, at the mall and a bookstore just to get out. I figure being around people is somewhat better than being alone in this big, echoing house. I have a feeling I'm going to get to know these kinds of places very well for a while.

[kayc]

Your brother probably wants to "fix" things for you, but he can't.

His suggestions are all sound, but unfortunately, unrealistic to the newly grieving person. And the idea that you find pleasure in being alone is ridiculous! Only someone who hasn't been there would suggest it.

When people say stuff like this, it's best to just chalk it up to meaning well and let it go.

Whatever you can do to divert your attention and take up some time is good...spend time with friends if you can. I don't have many friends any more, some moved away, and I'm so busy with my job/commute/chores, I have little time to make any. But I get out and spend time with the dogs, they are great company, and I try to be around people at least part of the time.

[Billw]

Kinda like offering someone a band aid after they have just cut off an arm, this is a very serious wound that will take a lot of work to repair and time to heal. People just do not know what to say or when to say it unfortunately. I am pretty sensitive to everyone and everything around me right now and some days it doesn't pay to say something stupid to me, you might not like the reply. I am trying to be patient with my family and friends as I'm sure some of them are trying the same with me but this is new ground that I've never walked on before and I'm having a hard time with it.

The long holiday weekends are a little rough for me. My wife and I traveled every chance we got and this would be one of those weekends that we would have loaded up and already been gone somewhere. There were those times too when we would just stay home and lounge by the pool for the weekend and relax. At the end of the day you go inside for the afternoon and fall asleep while watching a movie. That's the stuff I really miss these days. I lived a life second to none with my wife and wouldn't trade a minute of it, I have to keep those thoughts close and it does help but there just is no "moving on" or "getting over it" at this point. I get up and try to do what is in front of me today, some days it's a lot and some days it is next to nothing, the point is I keep going right now. I have no idea what is in store for me in the future, hell I thought I had it all figured out last year but much to my surprise there is a much different plan that was not made up by me. I have faith and things will change some day. I must remain teachable and grateful to receive the gifts that are in front of me, that has never failed me in the past. I hope you all have a great weekend and I will check in from time to time, as was said earlier you guys have carried me through the hard times over the last four months and I appreciate each and every one of you. Thanks for your kindness and God bless....................BW

[Korina]

Your brother probably just wants you to be happy, but as is not uncommon, he doesn't know what he is talking about. My back goes up whenever I hear the phrase 'get over it' (though I personally have not run into this). The phrase seems to imply our love was inconsequential when nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, I believe we learn to live with our loss, incorporate it into our identity, and to try and continue to live a meaningful life. Never ever ever will I 'get over' our life together or the loss.

Also, if someone appears to have dealt with their grief over the space of a month, undoubtedly this person has avoided dealing with his/her grief altogether. Although, we all have our own unique journeys with no set time frame (in fact, I believe the journey never really ends, because love doesn't end), it is a very difficult path and there are no shortcuts. I truly am not trying to be a downer, but I know that for me, realizing this up front helped me prepare for the journey.

Korina

[Queeniemary]

Long holiday weekends (or even just regular weekends) are very hard. I am trying to keep as busy as possible this weekend. To that end, I have decided to take "labor" day literally, and am trying to do some major house cleaning. Not moving very fast, but trying to take care of some things I have let slide. The major thing will be cleaning all the floors before the weekend is over. I treated myself to highlights, a manicure and pedicure yesterday, and then went with friends to a BBQ up on the mountain. The stars were amazing, with no town lights to mess up the sky, and we saw venus rising! It was better than I expected it to be, met new friends, and visited with old friends. Also plan to have my daughter and her family over to cook out tonight. Busy is my mantra.

Melina, you are still in shock, yes, the first three months, to me were the worst time in my life. I could not focus very well, and felt that my life was over also. I could not see life without Michael. I am not saying that "time" will heal you, but as time passes, it will get a little easier to bear, and one day you will actually have a reasonable day, and then you will know that you will be able to go on. We all move at a different pace, but I am just telling you how it was for me.

I am sorry your brother is so insensitive, I agree that he just wants to help, and really does not know how. I think he just wants you not to hurt. I am blessed with friends who are on the same journey that I am on, and other friends and family who are very supportive. Having said that, I also have to say, that none of them are here for me 24/7, and it would be unrealistic for me to expect that. I am having to find my own way, and deal with things on my own. There are good days and bad days, the bad still outnumber the good, but slowly I am moving forward. I will always miss Mike, and always wish that he were here with me, but I cannot turn back time. Oh, how I wish I could.

Praying for all of us in this club we did not choose to join, that we get through this weekend as best that we can.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Queeniemary]

Melina, by the way, don't every apologize for posting. If you need to post every hour, please do so. It helps so much to get the feelings out there, and the support here is great. Even when I don't post, reading the posts helps me. There are very understanding people here, and all are on the same journey. Rant, rave, do whatever helps you, no one will judge you here. We have all been there, and are there.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Thanks - you guys have been life-saving.

Melina