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Is There Any Hope At All!?


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I'm so sorry to be such a downer, but I keep reading these threads of people struggling so much even several months after their loss. I'm only 31 and lost my husband of two years (together a total of 5 years) in a motorcycle accident two weeks ago. I thought if I could just get through this next year or so I'd have a lot to live for. But I'm just not seeing it based on the posts I'm reading here. If none of us are going to get any better, then I really feel like I have absolutely no reason to go on. If you have a positive recovery story, please post it. I really need to hear the positive right now or I'm afraid I'll just drown in the sorrow we all have to face each day.

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Jennalee,

You asked for a message of hope - so I am here to personally deliver that message to each and every on who reads these words.

First - it is normal for you to feel a deep sense of loss and hopelessness after your mate/spouse has died. Moreover, it is normal for these feeling to be especially difficult during the first year. The time it will take you to BEGIN to recover will vary for each individual and the process of grieving will have many hills and valleys. Grief is a twisting spiral.

Second - Things will improve over time - but the time it will take to improve is unique to each person.

What I can tell you is that the process is slow and agonizing - but by passing through the grief process and dealing with your feelings will bare fruit. Anything worthwhile takes time.

Now for the story to help you.

In July 2005 I lost my partner - Jack. We had been together 27 years. He died of a BGB brain tumor and was dead within 10 months. I was his caregiver during that entire time period. He lost his sight entirely just 3 weeks into that 10 month illness.

After he died I thought I would die as well. Moreover, I really did not care if I lived or died. So - my therapy was found in my pen. I began writing. Then I wrote some more. I wrote letters to him. I wrote pomes. I wrote on this grief site. I wrote to all my email friends. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. You will find great therapy in writing. I would suggest each of you do the same - or - find something that will let you get the pain you are feeling out. This site is a great example of a helping hand. I also read over 70 books on grief during a few short years.

The poems I wrote eventually was transformed into a book about the loss of my partner Jack. I wrote it to help myself heal, however, I also wrote it so that there would be a living legacy to Jack that some day his grand daughters would be able to read and know about the man they used to call Papa Jack. I also wrote it to help others who have experienced the excruciating loss of a partner - a mate.

Each and every one of you can survive this terrible pain. You must know however that it is a long an arduous journey. It was not until the four year mark that I felt a shadow lift from my life. It is also important to know that the journey is a life time journey. Why would any of us want this journey to be anything less than a life time journey. Our love for our partners spanned many years. It is in remembering and keeping each of their spirits alive that will eventually allow you to live again. Eventually you will smile when you think of your loved one, whereas now it only makes you cry.

Anything worthwhile takes time. The grief process takes time. In a society based on immediate gratification it is sometimes difficult to slow down and remember that it is ok sometimes to take a journey in baby steps. Allow yourself to feel the pain. If it did not hurt so much that would mean your loved one meant nothing to you. Pain and sorrow at this point is normal and it is a good sign that it hurts so much - because you loved him (or her) so much.

My personal journey is not unusual. Like all of you I lost the person most dear to me. However, the manner in which I used this pain is different than a lot of people. I took my words - and three years of my life and I wrote a book about getting through this type of pain. I found hope when I wrote.

My web site and the link to my book appear at the end of this message. You can find comfort in what I have written. Each and every person who has read my book has told me that when they started to read it they could not put it down. You will cry - but you will also laugh. Even though it is the journey of one person (me) I believe it can help you, Jennalee, and anyone else who is reading these words. The web site can also help and comfort you - and give you hope.

You asked for Hope. Here it is. I have opened my soul and my heart in the book I wrote - "Finding My Banana Bread Man." Open the pages of my book. Open my web site. Continue your journey - There is hope along the way.

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Jennalee,

You like myself are new to this I'm only at 7 months but like Dusky said it will improve I like the wording, 2 weeks is a very short time, you need to take it slow and do not be hard on yourself, we need to use our mind to get thru this, God gave us a wonderful gift of our minds as they can help us overcome this rough time....I focus on positive energy as much as possible, doing things that make me happy, we have to learn to live with ourselves alone and that is a hard to do but we can if we set our mind to it and have faith along with focusing on the positive energy our relationships had and the happy memories we still have, I do this and have made great progress I still cry alot but thats normal and I have also found someone who has gone thru the same thing, we are forming a new friendship with a much needed understanding of our grieving...so I hope that gives you somewhat of a positive perspective from my world of grieving my wife....

May God Bless

NATS

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I want to thank both Dusky and Nats for responding. Both of you have given me hope for moving forward. I will most definitely be looking into your website, Dusky. I know my grief is so very fresh, and I know I have a long road ahead, but just seeing those who have been there before me and are doing okay now helps a lot. Thank you so much!!

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Jennalee:

There is hope. But as Dusty has emphasized, it is a long, hard journey. And having read your posts, I think you already understand that your feelings are going to be all over the place, and you have some ideas about how to fill the time and space. Please be kind to yourself, only do things when you are ready, and give yourself a chance to feel absolutely lousy - there really is no way around it.

For me, after 2 weeks, I was still in a bubble a numbness and pain all at the same time (not to mention sleeplessness). It has been a VERY difficult year, no different in that respect from anyone else. But is DOES get better. My pain is still there, but it does not dominate my every waking moment. I laugh at work, I laugh at home. I also sometimes still cry at work and definitely cry at home. Good friends call me and tell me stories about how they felt Scott helped them from above - that makes me very happy. In fact, I don't expect to ever be the same; but I don't want to be the same, because Scott is no longer with us - things are different. So I push on, trying to take strength from our former lives and this grief journey, and to learn to find purpose (though I think I will always ask him for advice blush.gif).

Korina

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Jennalee,

Two weeks is nothing to gauge anything by. This is a PROCESS, three steps forward, two steps backward, but overall moving in a progressive fashion. It is also INDIVIDUAL. None of us handle this the same and all have differing circumstances affecting us. After several years most of us have worked through our grief process enough that it's not such a struggle anymore and we've resigned ourselves to our new life that some call acceptance. Please try not to look at the whole picture, which is too much for you to digest right now and instead focus on right now and getting through TODAY, you will have enough to deal with with just that.

At two weeks most of us were probably still pretty immersed in despair.

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Good points from all. I'm personally not trying to be healed already at two weeks as that's just not even a remote possibility. I think I was just getting pretty discouraged that some people don't seem to be seeing much progress at all even after a year or two years. That doesn't seem very promising. No one is to blame for how they feel no matter what stage they're at, and if they need support, they should most definitely be posting. I guess I was just hoping there are some people who have recovered somewhat after a year or two years. I'm seeing that this is the case the more people post with their uplifting stories of survival.

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Jennalee,

You are so new to this club of hurting and sadness. There is definitely HOPE!.I'm near the 9 month mark and find that most of my days and nights are reasonably okay. I do have down time of course, my easiest recourse is either writing in my journal or talking to Lars.(his ashes are in the bed room)Once done, it feels like a weight has been lifted.

Dusty and Nats both said what most of us would say. It is a long, hard journey grieving for your lost love..but in time it gets better.

Hang in there, we are all here for you.

Hugs,

Lainey

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Also, a lot of those who have done well in their recovery are no longer here to post. Me, I keep managing to reafflict myself. :( But I can assure you that life in a year or in two years or five years will not look like life right now.

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