For Me Tis' Better To Have Never Loved.

[Suzanne R.]

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. I needed to vent, you don't have to reply. Thanks for reading my post.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Cheryl]

You sound angry and in pain. I get that. But to want to erase the memories of your life? I think a life without havig felt love would be far more painful than the hell we are in now. I hope we all find a new meaning and purpose. It would be so wonderful to be as happy as I was before. I refuse to give up. I think posting what you really feel is important and hearing our perspective on it may help you or at least validate that you are thinking about what life feels like right now. Praying that you find some comfort. Cheryl

[char]

Suzanne, I have never posted, but have read posts on this site. I can say I have read all of your posts and I totally get what you are saying. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. You are not alone. I will keep praying for you, myself and others.

[LarrysGirl]

Suzanne, I can feel how bad you are hurting. I've been going through the grief almost five years and when I say that, I still can't comprehend it. Sometimes I've posted in the past, the raw, honest, angry pain of not being understood and felt like I was handling my grief totally different than most. I guess everyone has to find there way of coping and thats why some widows, widowers don't always express or share these things, I don't know. I don't want anyone to look to me as an example of normal grieving because I have fought this grief, day by day, all this time and thats probably why I'm still in so much pain. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in how you feel. Deborah

[Deb625]

Hi Suzanne, I think you are writing what we all feel everyday when we have to open the front door to face a home alone, or when we go to sleep at night and there is no one to say good night to, to hold, or when we get dressed and there is no one to say you look great today. I know I want to be that "we" again, being on my own well it all sucks and the reality is I know I just try to keep one foot in front of the other, every morning hoping for a better day and for more hope for the future in this new life forced upon me... I lost my Michael 4 months ago, the way I feel now, 8 months is still early days... Try to be gentle with yourself, and hopefully memories of smiles and laughs will one day over-ride the hurt and pain in our hearts for now it is just not today. Take care, Deb

[kayc]

Not me, I would never want to erase a single moment of my life with George. To do so would be to reduce our relationship to nothingness, yet he was the best part of my life.

Recently, my fiance ended our engagement, breaking my heart. Would I wish that I had never loved him? No...I might feel that way in a moment of pain, but only temporarily, for actually, he so enriched my life by knowing him. I feel grateful that I have had times of love in my life, even with all the pain of loss it brings. Nothing is forever, life changes, goes through phases, stages, and the one thing that teaches me is that I have to appreciate and deeply value what is brought my way for the time that I have.

I think sometimes the pain of loss is so great and so overwhelming, it's hard to see straight...I know I have been there. Even now with this newest loss still so fresh in my heart, it is hard to bear. It takes time to heal, much time.

[Cheryl]

Suzanne, Tell us what you loved. Tell us what you miss. Tell us what you never want to forget. I am sure you have a picture to paint, as painful as it might be.

[Lindakay]

Honesty spoken for sure. You are in a dark time for now. My husband died 2 1/2 years ago and my intensity of joy seeing him was as strong after 33 years as it was in the beginning. He was chronically depressed at the end but still my love and other half. Although he said he was the dark and I was his light. My darkest moment is that I don't go to the doctor/don't care if I get cancer or whatever. Don't care how long I have in life/suffered my worst moment finding him gone from suicide. Nothing rocks my world after going through that. I won't do to my siblings and friends what he did to hasten it. A song will come on at work that meant something to us and I run for the back with tears coming on. I've remodelled and changed the look of my home. Half to upgrade and be able to sell later/half to make it look diffrent. I could almost see him walking around the corner if I hadn't made some changes. Stuck in a state he wanted to move to to start fresh in a place we used to vacation. My whole family and friends are in Fl. I'm in NC. I work and have made friends here but it was for him that I came. Vent anytime. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Linda Kay